to have stopped her going to a party, because she didn't want to go swimming

[flibbertywidget]

Mother guilt has risen.

on saturday morning, my nearly 5yr old decided she didn't want to go to her swimming lessons. These are the ones she begged me to sign her up for ages ago. she came out with too tired, too cold, too something and pointblank refused to go.

I tried to explain economics and that I am NOT MADE OF MONEY! - it fell on deaf ears..

so she then whinged on about wanting to go to a party, that was on 1 hour later. Having insisted she was too tired and just wanted to watch TV instead of swim.

So I said no in anger and told her if she couldn't do something she had commited to doing (and previously wanted) then she couldn't go to something else.. I was trying to teach her consequences.. but not sure if I was too harsh?

She did go out yesterday to a planned playdate (so i wasn't totally horrid!)

but I am feeling everso guilty and horrid and snipey..

We did have a chat about it later and she seemed to accept it, reasonably. She also got a party bag from the same party.

hmmmmm

wouldn't have been arguing with a 4 or 5 yr old re going to swimming or not - they'd have been going. Also wouldn't have stopped party - what about person whose party it was - seems a bit mean to use their celebration as your punishment

It's freezing, haven't any of you got gym membership and miss going on certain days when you just feel like curling up with some hot chocolate...
Bonkers. Also missing a party is a punishment for the child and mother who has paid for your child to be present at the party.

Silly on all levels and no lesson learned. Just made her hate you really.

So its fine to waste the party hosts money as long as its not your own being wasted.

Parents gossip, if they think you RSVP to say you're going and then dont turn up the lack of invites will soon be noticed.

The weather was freezing, most people would have stayed home rather than gone swimming given the choice.

As Heyyyho says, I didn't go to my expensive gym today cos I didn't feel like it. I could only get my dogs out for a couple of short walks today as they don't like the cold. Giving a reluctant 4 year old grief about a missed swimming lesson is a bit daft. Pick your battles with your children wisely.

I agree with the others about the birthday child.

Plus, i rather lose a paid seesion than having a child who might hate swimming after this.

Depends where she lived, up in central belt Scotland it wasn't that bad over the weekend

Sorry I haven't managed to respond to you all, work got in the way of a perfectly good mumsnet afternoon.

• Yes I texted & called the parents of the child whose party it was, there were 50 other children attending, not sure that 1 child missing makes that much of a difference, given the numbers. Clearly, if she was one of 5 children I wouldn't have "let the other child down", but given she was one of 50, I made my decision. It certainly hasn't bothered me when it's happened to us, due to illness etc. And this is the first time we haven't been present at a party. We accommodate them all.

• our swimming pool is 30 degrees in the water, it is like a lovely warm bath, the changing rooms are like a sauna - so actually the best place on a cold day is swimming and she loves it and loves going, except that one day. (We went there for a free swim yday - she definitely doesn't hate it)

BTW - she also went to ballet yday, in snow.

I am keen to understand though, how you "force or make" a 4-5 yr old go swimming? I would literally have to put her in the car in her pyjama's kicking and screaming and to me that would've been a worse option. So rather than ending up in a complete screaming fit.. I decided to let her understand the consequences of her decision and action..

Anyway - I am over my guilt, DD has accepted it and moved on, I have too. She seems to have understood her decision. Time will tell whether i have done lasting damage ;-)

Its done now dont be too hard on yourself about it , tbh i wouldve probably done the same i dont think 4 is too young to learn about responsibility she wasnt ill so she shouldve gone to her lesson and then to the party ,

posted too soon maybe her little strop has taught her she cant get her own way all the time fibbery i dont think she will be scarred for life because she got a telling off and missed her party

Harsh. THough personally think swimming lessons an utter waste of time DD went for a year when she was 3/4 to no avail. WHen she was 5 DH and I taught her to swim over 3 days on our holiday so regret the pointless lessons.

What about the birthday child I would feel really bad bailing at the last minute unless it was for a really good reason this isn't one.

Of course you won't have done lasting damage, there's no need to be facetious

You did indeed let her understand teh consequence of her decision and action, but you did so after the event rather than warning her beforehand of the consequences and explaining reasoning that a 4yo can't be expected to do. But no, you expected her to, then punished her for it. Not very clever that.

But to answer your Q of how to get her there: I'd have said, if you don't go swimming because you're too tired, then you will be too tired to go to the party and will be staying in all of today. But if you go swimming, you can go to the party.

And personally, I teach my children that if we accepted an invite, we attend unless properly ill. I also try and give consequences that don't have any affect on other people. Sometimes it doesn't matter how many other children there are, it's the one who's missing that the birthday child most cares about.

I don't think it was fair to the child whose party it was or their parents. Not going because of illness is one thing and can't be helped.
It really doesn't matter if there are 50 children there or not, your dd was included in the list and should have been taken, children do notice and the parents would have spent some money on party bags/food.
Fair enough if you had said "You will not be going to the next party if you don't go swimming", I would not be impressed if someone cancelled with your excuse, but I've noticed many people really don't care about other children's birthday parties.

Ah well if I told my 4yo he had to go then we would, well, go. He might be upset / do a bit of crying but there would be no issue about having to force him into the car kicking and screaming in his pyjamas.

Just goes to show that you have to trust your own parenting because only you know your child and how they will respond. Good lesson in not letting self-doubt get to you as it seems like you've done the right thing for your child and she has hopefully now learnt consequences.

I'm oviously scary stroppy mummy because if I told my kids when age 4 "we are going somewhere" they knew we were going somewhere and resistence was futile. I presume you take this approach with school so why is swimming any different? If they compained they were tired then it would be "well if you are too tired for swimming now you will be too tired for the party in an hour", then you phone and cancel the party as your child is unwell as mine would be unwell if they decided they were too tired for a party.

Yes, I would be in the put them in the car screaming in their pyjamas camp. You only need to do it the once . Four is too young to be negotiated with IMO.

yabu to post about it on MN and hold yourself up to such a roasting. Life is definitely too short for that.