Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Am I being oversensitive or is it her?!

64 replies

StealthPenguin · 06/02/2012 09:41

Sorry, it's a MIL thread.

Well, I say MIL - it's a MIL, FIL and SIL thread.

DP and I currently live with his parents and sister. They are lovely, and I rarely have any problems with them. On the off-chance that I do, it's normally sorted out. But this has been grating on my nerves now for a few weeks, and I want to know if it's me being oversensitive or if it's a bit "hmm"?

In the interests of non-dripping, I have PND. My dose has recently been doubled because I was still having "cloudy" days, albeit fewer and further between.

I'm trying to teach my DS (6.5mo) that he needs to play on his own. If he is fussy or cries I'll leave him to it for a few minutes, and if he's not stopped I'll go over, give him his toys and he'll go back to playing on his own. Repeat ad infinitum.

But MIL, PIL and SIL constantly throw themselves all over him whenever he makes the tiniest whinge. And it drives me absolutely bonkers! I've explained why I want to leave him to play, but they seem to have ignored it, or believe that they are doing the right thing.

For the last few days though, there have been comments too. "Awww, poor DS! Nasty Mummy, leaving you to cry!", "Oh look, poor dear. All he wants is a hug, you don't have to be so mean!".

I understand that they are trying to help, but DP has noticed this as well! So I'm just at an absolute loss. It's their house - do I just put up with it and delay the "on-his-own" play until we have our own place? AIBU?!

OP posts:

AteAWholePacketOfBiccys · 06/02/2012 09:43

YANBU.

Flisspaps · 06/02/2012 09:43

YANBU.

Your DH needs to step in and say something - you have tried and have been ignored and they are his family. They are undermining you and that cannot be good for your recovery.

It might be their house, but he's your son and therefore what you say wrt him goes.

WorraLiberty · 06/02/2012 09:45

YANBU

I feel for you though because living with family when you have a baby, often means a house full of clucking mother hens who all know best.

TheParanoidAndroid · 06/02/2012 09:46

Well, he is only 6months old, he either will play happily alone or not, you can't teach him to at that age.
Get your own place.

JustHecate · 06/02/2012 09:47

Are you able to just be direct? "It hurts me when you say things like that to me. I am not mean. I am doing what I feel is right for MY child. Please support me."

Or if not, ask your husband to do it.

These things don't go away if you ignore them. The behaviours just continue. So you have to decide whether you want to say nothing and just accept it because you really don't want the conflict, or whether the conflict is worth it because you really can't stand feeling the way you're feeling about it.

How long until you have your own place? If there's any way to really hurry that along, it would be best. Having your own home really is the answer.

SilentBoob · 06/02/2012 09:48

Yeah YABU. Sorry about the PND. Sounds tough, and I hope you are feeling much better soon.

aldiwhore · 06/02/2012 09:48

Your child your choice.

However I'm from the school of baby cuddle and mollycoddle, I now have two boys who are very happy to mooch around on their own, who are independant, happy, confident and certainly not 'spoiled'.

So YANBU to wish to parent your own way.

YABU to expect everyone to do it your way when you're sharing a house with them and their greatest crime is a cuddle.

YANBU to expect to be spoken to with respect. They should not be calling you names.

I don't really understand the need for a baby surrounded by so many people to be taught to play alone. If he's alone fine, if you need a break fine, but to say he can't play with the hoards of people in your house, its strikes me as odd.

If he were in Nursery, he wouldn't be expected to be ignored.

I feel for you, but I think YABU.

WorraLiberty · 06/02/2012 09:48

You can start teaching them from that age Paranoid...they soon learn that whinging = attention.

As for 'get your own place'...I know nothing of the OP's situation but I'm guessing it's not that easy.

StealthPolarBear · 06/02/2012 09:51

I'm sorry but I do agree with them that you're not going to be able to teach him to pay on his own at 6m, and if there are people round willing to cuddle him, let them. However, yaNbu in expecting what you and your dh say about your ds to stand. They can make suggestions, give advice but should not overrule you.

CailinDana · 06/02/2012 09:51

Hmmm I think you might be making hard work for yourself by trying to "teach" a 6 month old. He'll whinge if he's not happy, and tending to him won't teach him any bad habits, not at this age. I can totally understand where you're coming from but I think as you're living with others you'll have to accept that you can't control everything. The comments they make are way off - they're bound to make you feel worse - but if I were you I think I'd try to be grateful for the attention they give DS and try to look upon it as them trying to help you rather than undermine you.

HouseworkProcrastinator · 06/02/2012 09:52

Ooo. Certainly not. I have had mother in law say things like that about me to my children. It really gets on my nerves.
Luckily I don't have to see her every day...
Maybe something sarcastic when they do it next like " nasty mean nanny spoiling you, that's not going to help you become independent is it?"

CailinDana · 06/02/2012 09:53

Worra - at 6 months he's unlikely to be very mobile, so understandably he will rely very heavily on adults to help him. Him requiring attention is very normal at that age IMO. It's different if it's a 2 year old who's tantrumming.

IUseTooMuchKitchenRoll · 06/02/2012 09:54

I feel for you having to live with the in laws. That has got to be hard. But I think YABU about teaching a six month old to play on his own.

Babies do not need to learn to play on their own and forcing them to is not going to teach them to play on their own. Babies are quite simple, if there's something they don't like, they whimper.

I would be glad of someone to talk to the baby and interact with him when you are busy. Babies need that to develop far more than they need to learn to play on their own.

TheParanoidAndroid · 06/02/2012 09:54

IMO babies at 6months know that crying=attention...which is exactly how it should be, given they are still so tiny.

and yes, if you are old enough to have a husband and baby, you should find a way to have your own place, or suck up the comments from the people who are kind enough to put you up.

Scholes34 · 06/02/2012 09:55

I remember when DC2 was about a similar age. Worried I was "spoling him", I was moaning to the doctor at the baby clinic that he just wanted to be picked up and held all the time. His response was "well pick him up and hold him then". Great advice, actually, and at the age of 13 he's the most wonderful affectionate boy still.

welliesandpyjamas · 06/02/2012 09:56

YABU he's too little, don't upset and confuse him. He'll learn naturally to play alone when he's older. They shouldn't call you nasty if you are sensitive to it (although it's hard to know whether it's jokey from your post) but they love him too and it'd be heartbreaking to see his upset and confusion at being left by his favourite person in the world.

Original poster

StealthPenguin · 06/02/2012 09:56

HAH! Unlikely to be mobile...

Tell that to MIL's glass cabinet. He's crawling and can pull himself up onto his knees. Mostly I put him in the middle of the floor, but if he's having a very active day then I'll put him in his inflatable ball pit or his play pen.

Opinion seems to be very split, so I'm not really sure what I should do :(

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 06/02/2012 09:57

Just to put it back into perspective....

If he is fussy or cries I'll leave him to it for a few minutes, and if he's not stopped I'll go over, give him his toys and he'll go back to playing on his own

It's only a few minutes.

If a baby is 'jumped on' the second it starts fussing, it's likely to become needy imo.

If the OP lived alone, I'm sure the baby would have to put up with fussing for a few minutes until Mum came over.

ChasTittyBeltUp · 06/02/2012 09:59

I do think that YABU about leaving a 6 month old to "play" as they can't...not really...but YANBU about your mean inlaws who sound silly.

Leaving him alone when he is hard to settle and you are stressed is fine sometimes but you can't teach a baby to look after it's own needs.

CailinDana · 06/02/2012 10:00

Perhaps have a chat with them and tell them that their comments hurt you. I think you'd be perfectly right to do that. But please rest assured that attention at that age will not spoil him. The world is a confusing frustrating place for a baby, especially one who is mobile at such a young age, and he needs to you help him out. He's not whinging to be a pain, or to get attention for nothing, he's far too young to understand that level of manipulation. He's just whinging because he's a tiny being in a big world and he has very little control over his surroundings.

It sounds like you PILs are very willing to step in and help you look after him. Why not let them? With PND you're going to need rest and time to get back on your feet so every ounce of help is valuable.

welliesandpyjamas · 06/02/2012 10:01

Maybe just look at things in a more positive light. If you need to get things done and your are lucky enough to liev with loving family members who want to spend time fussing your ds...ask them if they'd like to sit down and play with him or take him for a walk, giving you half an hour to do what you need to do. He's a lucky little boy to be surrounded by so much love all day every day.

MamaChoo · 06/02/2012 10:03

This baby is very lucky. He lives with lots of adults who are happy to give him attention. Why not take advantage of that? He doesn't need to learn to play on his own at such a young age. You don't need to rush to him either, as Grandma can step in. Grandma gets lots of cuddles. Seems to be win:win:win to me so don't look for problems where there really aren't any.

brass · 06/02/2012 10:03

Normally I would say YANBU but he is only 6 months old!

Plenty of time for him to learn to play by himself later but at this age it is ok to be attended to by loving family members. It can only add to his sense of security.

The thing they need to stop doing is all the passive aggressive comments about mummy being mean etc. That should never be ok.

Try and chill out about it, there are other battles to be had with irritating family but this is not one of them.

Original poster

StealthPenguin · 06/02/2012 10:04

They help a lot, because it's their first grandchild and they love having him around, but it's just difficult sometimes. I have things to get done in order to keep the house tidy, but that means I can't always play with DS, so I feel awful and neglectful. But if I just play with DS and I don't do any housework then I feel awful for not "earning my keep". Just wish I could find a balance!

But on the whole I think I better just suck it up and get on with it :)

OP posts:

IUseTooMuchKitchenRoll · 06/02/2012 10:04

I disagree that a baby who is 'jumped on' is likely to become needy.

Small children are more likely to become needy if their needs are not met, because they have to try harder to get those needs met. A child whose needs are met is given the self esteem to know that if they need something, someone who cares for them will attend to them. That can only be a good thing. They need that security and knowledge to be able to develop independence, they have to know their needs will be met if they move away from their security and then need to come back to it.

If they are 'scared' that if they move away from their security that it won't be there when they come back, then they are less likely to try to move away, and neediness is created.

Think of the toddler you see that are confident to go off and explore, and those that cling to their mothers the whole time. Some of it is nature, but I think some of it is nurture too.

Flip

1 2 3