Am I being oversensitive or is it her?!

[StealthPenguin]

Sorry, it's a MIL thread.

Well, I say MIL - it's a MIL, FIL and SIL thread.

DP and I currently live with his parents and sister. They are lovely, and I rarely have any problems with them. On the off-chance that I do, it's normally sorted out. But this has been grating on my nerves now for a few weeks, and I want to know if it's me being oversensitive or if it's a bit "hmm"?

In the interests of non-dripping, I have PND. My dose has recently been doubled because I was still having "cloudy" days, albeit fewer and further between.

I'm trying to teach my DS (6.5mo) that he needs to play on his own. If he is fussy or cries I'll leave him to it for a few minutes, and if he's not stopped I'll go over, give him his toys and he'll go back to playing on his own. Repeat ad infinitum.

But MIL, PIL and SIL constantly throw themselves all over him whenever he makes the tiniest whinge. And it drives me absolutely bonkers! I've explained why I want to leave him to play, but they seem to have ignored it, or believe that they are doing the right thing.

For the last few days though, there have been comments too. "Awww, poor DS! Nasty Mummy, leaving you to cry!", "Oh look, poor dear. All he wants is a hug, you don't have to be so mean!".

I understand that they are trying to help, but DP has noticed this as well! So I'm just at an absolute loss. It's their house - do I just put up with it and delay the "on-his-own" play until we have our own place? AIBU?!

Stealth, I am completely with you on the not interfering thing though. Ds went hrough a 'feed me' phase when he was abt 2, no mattter how much we told mil he was to feed himself, she would feed him. Made my blood boil

Thats true for everyone, we all have to run our houses, nobodjy sits and plays with a baby all day long quite apart from how boring that would be

Completely agree with toomuchkitchenroll

Stealth, you're ill and you have a young baby. Being hard on yourself is one of the classic symptoms of depression. You need to try to be kinder to yourself. Give yourself a break, allow yourself to get better.

I have to disagree with people saying that you shouldn't try to teach them to play alone. There is nothing worse than having a baby that you can't put down or leave alone without them screaming. My first was like this and it was hellish and continued well into her third year... I was very aware of this on my second and left her when she made grizzly sounds instead of jumping strait on her and picking her up. Even though second is much more independent at playing and will also let me go to the toilet alone sometimes they are both equally very cwtchy children. A few moments waiting for attention will not do them any harm.

I am saying this in a kind gentle voice.
Nature made babies with a built in ability to get their needs met, by crying. I never left my babies to cry in the daytime. At 6 months the baby may have teething discomfort. If you need a break to do something or other, that is one thing, and fine to leave the baby while you use the bathroom or something, but why should the poor baby be deprived of some attention? Babies who get their needs met are more secure later on, as far as I am concerned.

I just carried mine around with me a lot, I always had a baby on my hip, lap or breast. Is this desire to not pick up your baby perhaps something to do with your post natal depression?

Anyways, in answer to your question, most mothers would be irked if someone was saying they were mean and questioning their judgement.
Your in-laws are not being unreasonable in wanting to pick up the baby.

I think YABU. I don't think that you can really teach a baby to play by themselves be leaving them to cry. I think you teach a baby to play by themselves by playing with them or possibly by holding them as much as they want but by being a bit boring so that their toys look like the more exciting option. And if what they actually want is a cuddle rather than to play? Then you are just teaching them that you don't want to cuddle them. We never left DD to cry as I just thought "if you want human contact, who am I to deny you that?" At 17 months she plays really well by herself, but still if she wants a cuddle I mostly pick her up as what ever I am doing can wait. Given that you have lots of adults around you really don't need to leave your DD to cry.

Housework - I agree that there's no harm in leaving a baby grizzling if it can't be avoided but doing it deliberately is a bit pointless really. A small baby won't just stop grizzling - they can't think "Oh my manipulation hasn't worked, I'll just get on with it," they'll just keep on grizzling while the people ignoring them get more and more stressed. A baby grizzling is the same as a two year old asking politely for help with something - it's their only way of communicating their needs and ignoring won't do any good in the long run. Bad behaviour should be ignored, definitely, but a baby that young just isn't capable of bad behaviour.

Just read the new posts that had appeared as I wrote mine.
I sometimes did housework holding the baby if he wanted me. If you are talking about putting the baby down while you load the washing machine or making your bed, then you are not being unreasonable.

If you are ignoring baby for no reason other than you are "training" him, then that is unreasonable.
Still see no harm in someone else tending to him when you are busy though.

iscream - I'm happy to pick him up, especially now because I'm getting help for my PND and because DS has started raising his arms when I hold my hands out to him, and he's started giving me proper cuddles. If I had my way I'd hold him 24/7, but I have tidying, hoovering, washing up, ironing and cleaning to do, not to mention sterilizing bottles daily, checking to make sure we aren't running out of anything that DS needs and all manner of other things. Not to mention I'm shattered because DS has teething pain (but only in the night), so he's waking up 3-5 times a night when before he was sleeping through.

My mum was the one who warned me that if I showered DS with attention then it would just be a rod for my own back, so I do my best to give him a happy medium. I know his different cries and I respond accordingly, but it would be nice if someone in the house other than DP understood how difficult it is just getting up in the mornings.

It's probably my PND, but when they make a comment about my parenting, whether jokingly or seriously, it really cuts deep. I'm beginning to feel very paranoid and "under observation" all the time, and I'm starting to become terrified of doing something wrong in front of them in case they say something.

You are not making a rod for your own back. You are currently stressing yourself out by trying to avoid him. Babies that age require a lot of attention, it's just a fact of life. Getting housework done around them is hard, very hard. Could you sit your PILs down and explain that you might not be able to keep up with the housework as you're ill and DS needs a lot of attention? It does seems like you're doing an awful lot - does your DP do much? Do they realise you have PND?

I think there are two seperate issues here, which are why opinions are so split.

1. Should you be teaching your 6 month old to play independently?
   That's your call as a mum, as you can see from the responses there is no one right answer to that. I think it certainly doesn't hurt, and hopefully your DS will be benefiting from learning problem solving skills, no matter now tiny. It's better for him to figure out how to fix a problem himself. So it should go "I dropped my block, where is it, it's there, can I pick it up, yes I can" rather than "I dropped my block, Mum get it for me waaaaaaah" - I'm not suggesting you give him problems to solve like complex equations! :D Regardless, it's your call, you sound like a thoughtful mum who's considered how to parent so you know best here.

2. Are your inlaws being disrespectful
   Yes. They're being quite bullying actually. If they were swooping in and saying "Oh I can't bear to hear him cry" that's one thing, they're explaining why they're going against your rules and it's about them, not your rules IYSWIM. What they're doing is ignoring your rules, and telling you they think they're stupid in a really nasty bitchy way. If someone kept telling my DD I was mean and nasty because they didn't agree with my approach to parenting they would be getting a really good display of how mean and nasty I can be with grown adults :)

You're understandably fragile so if you don't feel you can stand up to them by yourself then get your DP in to help. But they need to be told that, no matter what they think of your rules, they can't disrespect you in this way by being rude about you to your son.

YANBU to be upset by the comments & interference. BUT YABU (a bit) by expecting a baby to learn to play by themselves in order to become more independent.

I had PND (which by the way made my inlaws question my decisions as a mother if they disagreed, perhaps what is happening to you?) & found the clingyness hard. However, I took the difficult decision to cuddle rather than leave (difficult with bad PND I mean). I took the view that by teaching dd she could rely on me, she would trust that & whinge less. I now have a decidedly unclingy child (a bit too bloody confident if you ask me!) who can play independently for AGES and come back to top up the cuddle tank every so often. It was easier on my sanity in the long & short term. I tried the leaving to whinge thing for a week or so, it was stressful & didn't work. At that age I just don't think it's going to work for MOST children.

Good luck, the cloud will lift, I promise.

Cailindana - I am not talking about leaving them for hours here, but in my experience a few moments is fine and yes sometimes mine would stop. I don't believe picking them up everytime they make a sound does them any good. and also good to leave them to work things out on their own a bit even when they get frustrated with something. And I have to say my "ignored" child is a lot more cheerful and less stressy than my other who is quite shy and less likely to leave my side even in familiar places. She is five now and I have to have all her friends round to play at mine because she will not go to anyone elses house to play without me even though she has known the mothers for a couple of years. She took longer to settle into playgroup and took her about 3 years of going to our toddler group (twice a week) for her to leave my lap and go and play.

stealth - DO NOT LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER.

Listen, it's really simple. Babies this young need and want to be with someone all the time, it's how they learn, it is the fount of all life.

When you have stuff you need/want to do, why not give him to PIL and ask them to mind him while you get on?

Then they know you're doing stuff(!)

You know the baby is happy and have some time off

The baby is happy with his gps.

FWIW, I couldn't be in the same house with an unhappy baby and not tend to it.

It will pass, but until then the baby needs peeps continuously. It's a very odd view, this leaving them to be "independent."

Housework - I agree that there's no need to go to a child every time they squeak. I think there's an obvious difference between a little grumble of frustration when they're annoyed about something they're playing with and a genuine grizzle because they're really not happy. My DS will often make pissed-off noises when he's playing but I don't intervene unless I know he actually needs my help. What I was talking about was deliberately ignoring a grizzly baby to "teach" them. It just won't work IMO. Babies just don't have thinking sophisticated enough to grizzle without really needing any attention. Even if they just grizzle for attention - what's wrong with that? I think it's fine for a young baby to want interaction with the people around them.

YANBU I know where you're coming from but to be fair to them I couldn't leave a crying baby either. Unfortunately I think living with your ILs or any other adults for that matter as it's very rare people agree on parenting methods. You need to find your feet as a parent and them being there will never really help this. It's there grandchild and they would have to be very strong willed to let you just get on with it although I'm not saying it's right what they are doing.

It's an almost impossible question with then only solution being for you to get your own place.

CailinDana - DP helps out where he can, but he works shifts. Mostly he'll happily look after the baby while I tidy up the house. He also is happy to play with DS and have "daddy time" while I have "down time" in the gym. Exercise is a massive help in making me feel better and happier in myself, so I go as often as I can (an hour here, 30 mins there).

They know I have PND, but for some reason they seem a bit "Oh, ok. But you're all better now, right?" as though my antidepressants are a plaster and it'll just get better in a matter of days. They don't seem to do it deliberately, but I get a kind of "well, you seem perfectly fine to me!" type attitude. They really are nice people, and I get along with them very well, but a small part of me feels like they think I'm milking it for attention or something...

They are being horrible to make those comments and I can totally understand why they're hurtful. Next time maybe say "That comment was quite hurtful. Did you intend it to be?"

However, I think your mum is completely wrong and I don't think you can teach a 6 month old to play on their own. It's a developmental thing that can't be rushed and also down to personality. Sure, at 6 months they can wait while you're doing something and don't need to be rushed to every second, but lots of hugs and cuddles and playing with them won't make the blindest bit of difference so if your ILs want to cuddle and hold him, let them. This baby bit is over in a flash, it really is.

There is NO behaviour, afaik, at 6 months.

TBH you should get your own place.

I think your ILs are being unreasonable making those comments, especially if they know you have PND, if they are uncomfortable leaving your ds to cry then they should let you know that and if they want to comfort/amuse him then that is fine - hopefully a help for you? Is it possible they just don't realise how insensitive they are being or do you think there are some underlying resentments starting to fester with you all living together?

Does your ds have a nap during the day? Can you try and do most of the chores you feel you need to do when he is napping? I would hoover when he is napping (get him used to noises) and ask your dp to sterilise the bottles. I would carry him around with you a bit whilst you are doing stuff, he is probably going to get more clingy over the next few months (vaguely remember my dc not wanting me to be out of their sight at about 8 months).

Do your ILs see you getting a bit better and think you should be doing more? Are they resentful?

I think living as you are you need to make compromises, it is difficult, I would also try and get out of the house, go to a baby group so you can get some space with your ds away from your family. If you can't face that, I know baby groups can be daunting, but you really can make good friends there too - then join some other groups, or just make sure you go for a long walk with your ds every day to get some space.

Being a parent is tough, we all feel paranoid and judged which is why we wouldn't live with anyone else!!
If you're living with ils I wonder how much you do do? It's not like you have a house to clean, is it?

I see. Well, it sounds to me like you are tired and being a new mom that is normal, living with in-laws, you are under pressure. You may be trying to be extra tidy, as you feel indebted to them for sharing their home with you.

One thing I learned was housework will wait. However, I understand the difference when it is not really your own home. You want to be sure you are not causing any inconvenience, mess etc, and show your respect for their home. In your own home you can let the housework wait until you feel up to dealing with it, in their you can't really do that. It would be hard on you.

I think under the circumstances, you are doing the best that you can.
Maybe you can, if you have your hands full, say to the family, "Would you mind keeping an eye on ds while I get this such and such done?"

You may feel more in control that way? And they will not feel stressed over the baby fussing.

I think if you realize he will not be spoiled, (sorry, I also think your mother was wrong about that) and accept their help, it may solve the dilemma.