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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

" I don't think a lot of men like independant women"- is this bullshit?

62 replies

toptramp · 05/02/2012 22:17

Just reading an article in the news review about Michelle Mone the entrepeneur behind Ultimo and she blames her divorce on her success and independance. She goes on to say she wishes she was a house wife and that is she was then she would still be married.
hmmm; I think I'd rather be a rich successful divorce than a penniless divorce. Is this giving out the wrong message?

It has struck a chord with me as I am fairly independant and ambitious yet I would love to find a dp. It is possible to find men who love independant and succesful women aren't there? I am not out to diss housewives btw.

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 05/02/2012 22:20

One of my ex's gripes was that I didn't need him. I did, emotionally, but didn't in other ways and he wasn't happy about that, so he went off and slept with loads of needy women.

ISayHolmes · 05/02/2012 22:21

I'd bet what she meant to say or actually did say was distorted by the author of the review to make it sound more controversial and interesting /cynical. Perhaps what she meant was that her ex husband felt insecure over her success and that contributed to their split.

poinsetta · 05/02/2012 22:23

I know loads of independent, ambitious, happily married women. I wish I was one of them! Some men don't like them, others do. I am sure there is more to their divorce than that as she wasn't a demure unambitious woman until suddenly finding a vocation and turning into a demon worker. I think she went back to work day after giving birth to each of her children, that was a choice not forced on her.

Original poster

toptramp · 05/02/2012 22:23

What I don't get is that men hate it generally when women are too needy too. The right guy will like the right type of women I guess. I think hes should have celebrated her success. I think the marriage just ran it's course.

OP posts:

AndiMac · 05/02/2012 22:23

Bullshit to that being the reason for her divorce. Simple bullshit.

I was running a successful business when I met my husband. Part of the reason he was attracted to me was that I didn't "need" him.

sportsfanatic · 05/02/2012 22:24

Course it is. In any case men who are so wussy they can't deal with an independent and successful woman are not worth finding.

I did, emotionally, but didn't in other ways and he wasn't happy about that, so he went off and slept with loads of needy women.

Well, I suppose that's as good an excuse as any for a bloke that fancies shagging around.

squeakytoy · 05/02/2012 22:25

"The cracks began to show when Michael objected to his wife posing in her underwear for the £40million brand two years ago after famously shedding six stone."

"She revealed it was 'the first time I'd ever gone against my husband'."

This woman has embraced the celebrity lifestyle, has appeared on countless "celeb reality" shows, and loves the attention she gets..

OnlyANinja · 05/02/2012 22:25

If her husband could only be happy with someone who needed him (and as Blether says, more than just emotionally) then she's better off out of it.

I don't know who if it's "a lot" of men but it's certainly some-very-crap-men.

Some women are like this too, but their need to be needed tends to express itself differently.

tardisjumper · 05/02/2012 22:25

IMO if you settle with the wrong man this can happen.

I had a serious of disasterous relationships in my early 20s with men who couldn't stand the fact that I was intelligent (often more so than them). Friends who had successful relationships hid their intellect.

TBH ime its not so much to do with success as ability. I now have lovely DP who thinks the best thing in the world would be for me to go and earn loads of money from my ability.

Original poster

toptramp · 05/02/2012 22:26

I read on and apparently one of the factors is that she lost loads of wieght and got photograped in her own lingery as an advertising campiagn. She was suddenly getting lots of male attention. Apparently he hated it as he's "traditional" or rather controlling and insecure. She "went against him" apparently. Gosh- I am so cynical!

OP posts:

LisaD1 · 05/02/2012 22:27

That's such a sweeping statement. I'm sure SOME men don't like independant women and some will.

I am a strong minded, independant woman and am very happilly married. My DH is quieter than me but equally independant, when we need each other we are there for one another but we are not generally what I would describe as needy.

Original poster

toptramp · 05/02/2012 22:28

I couldn't be a housewife unless I met a bloke with a decent income anyway and one of the reasons why I wouldn't risk it is because I've been shat on by too many blokes so I would always work to cover my back. My loss in some ways but still.

OP posts:

LadyWord · 05/02/2012 22:28

I've certainly had one partner who (despite being an avowedly lefty feminist type) had a real problem with it - he wanted me to earn less than him, and have a less prestigious job. I did anyway, but he felt threatened because I was "catching him up". He even wished I was physically shorter than I was.

So I think there are men like that - but it's not all men. I wouldn't change anything about myself because I'd rather not be with that kind of man anyway. DP is fine about it (though on one level, I think he reassures himself that he's cleverer than me - bless!) and if I couldn't have a man like that, I'd rather be single.

Original poster

toptramp · 05/02/2012 22:28

I don't think a women who is a housewife is any less independant in some ways if that's what she wants.

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attheendoftheday · 05/02/2012 22:29

Some men might feel that way about independant, successful women, but I wouldn't care to be in a relationship with someone who did. Many men would be happy for their partner's success.

ENormaSnob · 05/02/2012 22:29

I have always been very independent and ambitious.

Never been short of offers

attheendoftheday · 05/02/2012 22:30

Oh, and I hate 'traditional' being used as a euphemism for 'sexist'.

Original poster

toptramp · 05/02/2012 22:31

The right man would be pleased for her success. IMO she did a very clever thing wearing her own undies for an ad campaign and he sounds a bit odd and uptight giving her a hard time for it; but that's just me.

OP posts:

Original poster

toptramp · 05/02/2012 22:33

She used the word traditional herself. Mabe when she moves on she'll see the light. I guess she outgrew him. I just feel a bit sad that in these hard economic times there is an article about a women who regrets her success because she lost a guy over it. I guess it is easy to think like this when one is heart broken.

OP posts:

kelly2000 · 05/02/2012 22:35

why would anyone want to be with a person who did not like the fact you were financially independent. I am with my DH because I love him, not because I have no other choice as I am dependent on him financially. The thing is in a good relationship you do need each other because you love each other and make each other happy, but that needs to be felt equally by each partner.

FeedZombieEatSmartie · 05/02/2012 22:37

I went through a 'dry spell' with men a few years ago and if I had a moan about it to male or female friends it was always the same comment - 'you come across as confident, intellectual and independent when socialising, thats most peoples first impression.'

All because I was friendly and talkative. I promised myself I wouldn't act a certain way just to attract men. I met DP and it was, as he says, my first impression that got his attention. But he has also said that I'm actually more shy than I come across in front of people. Something I hadn't noticed until he said about it.

It can ring true for some men but who wants a man that prefers their women to be the way they want them to be as opposes to being themselves?

lubeybooby · 05/02/2012 22:38

In my experience

The ones who want independent women in my experience are horrible and selfish, and have no concept of family money in a marriage, happy for a lower earning or SAHM female to scrimp and save while they fuck off on skiing holidays with 'the boys' and buy every gadget going. They also look down on low earners, SAHM's and those on benefits.

The ones who are not selfish or financially abusive who do actually understand family dynamics and the job of a SAHM, want the woman to depend on them and need them just a bit too much

The ones who are somewhere in between - well I've never met one yet.

I'm sure they are out there but I just haven't met one.

I am financially independent but I take poor attitudes to SAHMs and selfishness as a big red flag. Ditto the controlling 'chain her to the kitchen sink' type.

TheSmallClanger · 05/02/2012 22:44

I bet the writer of this piece has missed some bits out. There's the "not being needed" bit, then it jumps to the losing weight and flashing her body (sorry for poor terminology) bit, as if they were connected.
I've known a few women who have lost lots of weight and had a huge confidence surge as a result, which their boyfriends haven't been able to cope with. I don't know why that happens either, as confidence is supposedly a turn-on.

There are some annoying needy men in this world who need the illusion of being needed to function. They are best left alone. DH and I have had many discussions about this, especially when he was ill and was unable to work for an extended period. He was getting a bit anxious, but the only way I could explain it was that no, in material terms, I didn't need him, but didn't that mean that the reason I was sticking by him was something very genuine between us?

Whatmeworry · 06/02/2012 07:41

I suspect its more that she became more interested in the business than the relationship.

There are men who like independent women, and men who don't. Ditto with women.

tribpot · 06/02/2012 07:49

If the opposite of independent is dependent ... do some men (and some women) like dependent partners? To me it seems in this discussion the opposite of independent is obedient .

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