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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To phone the police re my son's father?

58 replies

Uselessfather · 05/02/2012 19:25

My 15 year old son hasn't seen his father regularly since he was 2 1/2. His father makes little effort and is and always has been very irresponsible. This weekend his father wanted DS to stay, so I agreed and DS flew from boarding school to see him, on the agreement DS would return to school tonight. Suprise suprise, DS was not on the flight and his father didn't let me know until 20 mins before the flight was due to land, so school had already sent a driver to collect DS.

DS's father says there were no trains to the airport today and that they aren't running. He didn't want to drive in the snow. He hasn't yet booked DS on a flight tomorrow and wouldn't commit as to when he might do so. He says he'll do it tomorrow, I'm not sure I believe this and I suspected before the weekend that DS would miss the flight back.

I am also concerned as DS's father has said they'll be sleeping on his boat (where he lives) tonight. Yet he says there is 6" of snow. I'm also concerned that DS's father has always been involved in the music/drink/drugs type of scene and I am now kicking myself that I let DS go there. I did it as I didn't feel I could or should stop DS seeing his Dad. I though maybe he'd grown up a bit, but by his behaviour on the phone I can see that hasnt happened.

I don't want to trouble the police unecessarily, but WIBU to see of they could visit to check that a) this boat is suitable to sleep on when it's so cold and b) make sure that DS's father knows he must be back at school at the earliest opportunity?

OP posts:
asiatic · 05/02/2012 19:29

Have you spoken to your son? How does he feel. It maybe was the responsible thing NOT to try and travel this morning .Iy may be the boat is warm and cosy. peak to your son first, bare in mind his father may be listening, so try some yes/no answers.

pranma · 05/02/2012 19:29

I think that,in the circumstances you would be justified in asking the police if they are able to check. You could also get them to confirm the situation with snow/roads etc.

scurryfunge · 05/02/2012 19:30

Unless you have good reason to believe your son is at immediate risk of significant harm then the police will not get involved.

applepieinthesky · 05/02/2012 19:34

YABU. He is with his father and doesn't sound like he is at immediate risk of harm.

asiatic · 05/02/2012 19:36

Have a look at some ofthe other threads in AIBU about people worried about travel today and tomorrow, and talking about people getting stuck their cars for 10+ hours, or over night.

WorraLiberty · 05/02/2012 19:38

Oh dear God yes because the police don't have enough to do already

If your 15yr old was cold I'm sure you'd be the first to know about it.

As for the flights, well ring the airport and check if they were cancelled...not the bloody police!

scummymummy · 05/02/2012 19:39

Agree with asiatic. Is there a way to talk to your son? On the face of it the decision not to drive/train it in the snow sounds reasonable and if he lives on the boat fulltime it will probably be heated and habitable. I think I would leave it unless you are sure that your son will be very distressed/unsafe. I do understand that it must be hard to trust your ex given his previous crapness and that it's v annoying he hasn't stuck to his word (yet again, by the sound of it) but tbh I think calling the police out would be excessive unless you have serious concerns for your son's safety.

Original poster
Uselessfather · 05/02/2012 19:40

I appreciate that he is with his father, but we are talking about a man who has seen DS less than a dozen times in the last 12 1/2 years and has been extremely irresponsible in the past. He wouldn't even tell me where DS was staying tonight at first and I am now seriously questioning my judgement in letting DS go there in the first place.

OP posts:
PattiMayor · 05/02/2012 19:40

I don't know where they are but where I am, the snow is dreadful. It took me 5 hours today to do a journey that normally takes under two.

Given that he's DS's father, I can't see that the police would go and see him unless you've got something concrete

FabbyChic · 05/02/2012 19:41

The OP herself can check the weather conditions where her son is by using the internet. Sorry, but you send your child to boarding school so its not really like you care that much is it?

Original poster
Uselessfather · 05/02/2012 19:42

The flight wasn't cancelled, neither are the trains.

My son isn't answering his phone to me or my Mum. I don't know why.

OP posts:
scurryfunge · 05/02/2012 19:43

You don't need to know though where he is staying. You have to trust his judgement if you have no evidence of him being in danger.

hobnobsaremyfavourite · 05/02/2012 19:43
pictish · 05/02/2012 19:44

The police won't take you on I'm afraid.

Your son is old enough to contact you if anything was wrong.

scurryfunge · 05/02/2012 19:44

Don't be mean fabby- irrelevant comment.

DeWe · 05/02/2012 19:45

Sounds like great fun for your ds. he can tell his friends about being snowed up and sleeping on the boat.

It sound basically like you're annoyed with his father and want to get at him in a petty way.

MamaMaiasaura · 05/02/2012 19:45
Biscuit
ThatVikRinA22 · 05/02/2012 19:45

if he is safe and well then police wont interfere unless you think your son is at risk - i presume there is no formal arrangement in place for access rights?

you will both have parental responsibility - it would be a civil matter rather than a police one.

why did you let your son go if you dont even know where he is sleeping?
im not sure that i would have let him go without knowing where he is, or having a proper routine in place set by the courts. I think you need to see a solicitor to get something put in place that allows access without this kind of thing happening.

TheParanoidAndroid · 05/02/2012 19:46

Um, no, the police won't go and check his boat to see if its a suitable place for a 15 year old to sleep, or pass on your messages. What a bizarre idea. Hmm Try calling your son.

lisad123 · 05/02/2012 19:47

Ring your ex back as tell him you need to talk to ds. Do not call the police. We are talking about a 15 year old not a 4 year old. I certainly wouldn't have risked the snow today either.

ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged · 05/02/2012 19:48

Whereabouts in the country are they OP? We can tell you what the weather's like. Do you trust ex to send DS back? Could you book flights yourself & send him the details?

applepieinthesky · 05/02/2012 19:49

Those were exactly my thoughts DeWe - she's just trying to get back at the father.

Grow up woman!

ModreB · 05/02/2012 19:49

Fabby what business is it of yours where the OP's son is schooled, and not relevant to the question asked.

sharenicely · 05/02/2012 19:51

I don't think you have any real understanding of what a police officers role is. Ask if they'll drop you a pint of milk off on the way back.

gordyslovesheep · 05/02/2012 19:53

totally agree with DeWe and whoever asked you why you let him sleep their last night if it's so unsuitable

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