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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To phone the police re my son's father?

58 replies

Uselessfather · 05/02/2012 19:25

My 15 year old son hasn't seen his father regularly since he was 2 1/2. His father makes little effort and is and always has been very irresponsible. This weekend his father wanted DS to stay, so I agreed and DS flew from boarding school to see him, on the agreement DS would return to school tonight. Suprise suprise, DS was not on the flight and his father didn't let me know until 20 mins before the flight was due to land, so school had already sent a driver to collect DS.

DS's father says there were no trains to the airport today and that they aren't running. He didn't want to drive in the snow. He hasn't yet booked DS on a flight tomorrow and wouldn't commit as to when he might do so. He says he'll do it tomorrow, I'm not sure I believe this and I suspected before the weekend that DS would miss the flight back.

I am also concerned as DS's father has said they'll be sleeping on his boat (where he lives) tonight. Yet he says there is 6" of snow. I'm also concerned that DS's father has always been involved in the music/drink/drugs type of scene and I am now kicking myself that I let DS go there. I did it as I didn't feel I could or should stop DS seeing his Dad. I though maybe he'd grown up a bit, but by his behaviour on the phone I can see that hasnt happened.

I don't want to trouble the police unecessarily, but WIBU to see of they could visit to check that a) this boat is suitable to sleep on when it's so cold and b) make sure that DS's father knows he must be back at school at the earliest opportunity?

OP posts:

breatheslowly · 05/02/2012 19:56

Why would 6 inches of snow be a problem on a boat?

Heyyyho · 05/02/2012 19:58

I am sure it will be OK.

Pls ignore the more insensitive posts on here.

You can't get through to your son that must be really worrying. Before you involve the police is there really any way at all you can get in contact with him or his Father - relatives or something?

Original poster

Uselessfather · 05/02/2012 20:01

vicar he has no parental responsibility. He's unlikely to apply for any. I let DS go as he wanted to ( in his words he doesnt know when be'll get the chance again) and I felt I should accommodate that. It was against my better judgement.

I've now spoken to DS and he is fine, but they are not on his father's boat but his girlfriends flat but driving down rural roads later to get to the flat. DS says the boat is definitely warm enough and they have thermals etc.

I'm still concerned DS won't be returned to school tomorrow, but as he seems ok I have now calmed down a little. I do appreciate the snow, but I did suspect this would happen.

OP posts:

applepieinthesky · 05/02/2012 20:02

Why does she need to get in contact with his father? He is on a prearranged visit to him, he hasn't been able to travel back due to the snow and his father says he will book him a ticket tomorrow.

Shriekable · 05/02/2012 20:02

The police won't be interested unless you can give reason to think your son is in actual danger, they certainly won't tell the father to make sure DS gets back to school! It might be a lot more innocent than you think - transport IS being affected, perhaps his dad thought there might be a good chance flights would be cancelled, so he & DS have used it as a good excuse to enjoy a bit more time together? Can't imagine it would take much to persuade a 15 yr old to miss a bit of school! And he must have wanted to see his dad I presume? He probably isn't taking calls because he knows that you will be cross about his missing the flight. Are you upset because the father hasn't been there for your son over the years, but now that DS is getting older, he's showing more interest? Do you feel he's a bad influence because of his lifestyle choices?

scurryfunge · 05/02/2012 20:02

Glad he is ok.

AgentZigzag · 05/02/2012 20:04

I agree with the first bit of DeWes post, he's 15 not 5!

I'm sure he's completely able to get himself out of any tight spots if needs be, and boats can be a bit too warm if the truth be known.

cornishsue · 05/02/2012 20:05

I don't usually comment on posts, but surely most of the population has had to cancel their travel plans today. I think that not driving in the snow etc. and not prepared to re-book flights yet actually shows that your son's father is being very responsible (even if he hasn't been in the past).

ElusiveCamel · 05/02/2012 20:05

Sorry, but you send your child to boarding school so its not really like you care that much is it?
WTAF?

BluddyMoFo · 05/02/2012 20:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hugglymugly · 05/02/2012 20:11

Given your ex's track record, both in terms of contact with your son over the years and his lifestyle, and your son is not answering his phone, I think this is a matter of concern where it is relevant to call the police to ask them to check your son's safety.

Most police officers have experience of the complications involved in family issues, and would much rather prefer to check the safety of youngsters, even 15-year-olds, especially in these weather conditions.

Call the police, and rely on their experience/knowledge to help in this situation.

usualsuspect · 05/02/2012 20:15

I'm sure the police would offer to take extra duvets to the boat

cornishsue · 05/02/2012 20:15

Please don't worry about your son not getting to school tomorrow, I am sure that many of our children's schools will be closed for a few days in this weather.

edam · 05/02/2012 20:19

Glad you've got hold of your son. His father clearly hasn't done any growing up since the last time he bothered to see his son, by the sounds of things.

PattiMayor · 05/02/2012 20:23

Glad you've managed to speak to him :)

I wonder what your DS will feel about going there again? I suspect that might be the last time he visits if his dad can't get him back to school on time

squeakytoy · 05/02/2012 20:27

I wonder what your DS will feel about going there again? I suspect that might be the last time he visits if his dad can't get him back to school on time

I somehow suspect the exact opposite!

pictish · 05/02/2012 20:49

Squeaky

Original poster

Uselessfather · 05/02/2012 21:18

Squeaky I'm inclined to agree, DS is a typical 15 yr old!

shriekable I would love it for DS if his father did have more regular, reliable contact. Sadly, it's as sporadic as it's always been and always involves the least effort possible on his part. DS idolises him, which is completely understandable, he's 'cool Dad' and I'm dreary old Mum. I would be devastated if DS ended up like his father, but I suspect as he gets older he'll realise what he's really like.

Personally, I hate him. I was 18, him 32 when I got pregnant with DS. He tried to emotionally manipulate me to have a termination. He then made my life hell when I had severe PND. However, how I feel is nothing to do with DS and irrelevant here. I just want what is best for DS.

OP posts:

numbertaker · 05/02/2012 21:31

I think CONTROL is the issue. Yeah ring the police and have social services visiting.

pranma · 05/02/2012 21:37

Glad you have spoken to your son-at least you know he is safe and warm.
fabby that was what my mum would have said was ,"uncalled for".

asiatic · 05/02/2012 22:16

Uselessfather, good for you for finding the courage to let him go when you clearly didn't want to. It sounds like it'll all be viewed as a bit of an adventure by a 15 year old, but obviously horrible for you. I'm glad you have spoken to him. Ignore posters being horrible. This is a place where mums can communicate and help each other, but some inadequate people seem to use it just to vent their personal aggression from behind a veil of annonimity. Ignore! They probably have very unhappy lives

kelly2000 · 06/02/2012 02:30

fabby,
A fifteen year old going away to school is not exactly a sign of an uncaring parent. Would you say letting him go to a rubbish local school just becuase the mother cannot be without her fifteen year old son for a few days a week was fair? Sixteen year olds can marry, have children, live on their own, join the army etc, so a fifteen year old going away to school is not exactly a big deal.

If you do ever want to call the police about this you do nto have to call the mergency number, they will have a locla number you can call and just explain your worries to someone.

Original poster

Uselessfather · 06/02/2012 17:50

Thanks. We have our reasons for DS boarding for now, but I'm not rely interested in or bothered about Fabby's opinion anyway.

DS is now on a flight back to school. I hadn't heard anything by lunchtime dd the flights, so I rang his father. No answer. Then phone switched off. Tried ringing DS, no answer. (out of character for him) I rang the school to see if they knew anything and they weren't sure as main staff on lunch. School then rang me back to say DS was flying back tonight.

DS's father then answered his phone an hour later when I tried again and said I didn't need to know as they'd spoken to the school. When I asked why he had t thought to let me know he put the phone down. Typical!

Is it really that unreasonable to want to know if/when my son will be back at school or where he is?

OP posts:

ApocalypseCheeseToastie · 06/02/2012 18:24

Oh Fabby at times I love you and your pearls of insult wisdom.

And I now have an orange juice sprayed laptop screen you git !

benne81 · 06/02/2012 19:28

I know this issue has been sorted but I just wanted to say you are being extremely unreasonable to expect the police to get involved with this. My DH is a policeman and comes home with the most amazing stories of there time being wasted with this sort of rubbish and it makes my blood boil. They regularly get called now regarding fights in playgrounds between 10yr olds!! Checking whether a boat is too cold for a 15yr old!!! The problem is that police have to respond to this sort of crap and waste resorces because it's a possible child welfare issue and would be hung drawn and quartered if they wrote it off initially and then something happened - when did we start to rely of the police for parenting!! Sorry rant over.

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