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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Mother in law dilemma!!

95 replies

CPtart · 04/02/2012 20:35

My soon to be 7 year old DS is due to go away for a one night sleepover with his beaver group in a few weeks. It is his first time, lots of his friends are going and he is really looking forward to it.
MIL however turns 70 at the same time, and has unwittingly planned an informal family/friends get together for the same date, meaning effectively he will have to miss one or the other. (She is also having a smaller more intimate family meal a week earlier to which we are of course all going.)
DS wants to go on beaver camp. MIL says he "should" go to the birthday get together instead, reason being...get this...some old next door neighbours of theirs from 20 years ago would love to meet him! I have another DS and he will be coming with us.
I understand she will be slightly disappointed not to have all her grandchildren together to show off, but would she be so selfish as to "expect" (and I think thats what bugs me) him to forego his trip. There are almost 40 other people going, surely she could be happy with that??
What to do? I am adamant his pre-planned sleepover should stand.

OP posts:

SuePurblybilt · 05/02/2012 09:27

Marysaid should we be calling you Akela or Brown Owl or summit?

I think sleepover fwiw.

AThingInYourLife · 05/02/2012 09:27

Allowing your children to make plans and not allowing crazy unreasonable old biddies to override those plans because they have no manners is not allowing children to "rule the roost".

It's giving children the respect they deserve and not allowing them to be treated as insignificant, and their plans trivial, just because they are young.

"Family comes before friends" - what, so any arrangement with friends has to be immediately cancelled if family arrange something last minute?

seeker · 05/02/2012 09:29

It's not just a random sleepover. It's a pre arranged Beaver camp. Not the same thing thing at all all. If it was just a sleepover, then of course one of grandma's two birthday celebrations takes priority. But it itn't.

And please let's!s not get into this "old people are crap" thing. It's one of the ways that mumsnet consistently makes itself look bad, and it's a real shame.

ShowOfHands · 05/02/2012 09:39

Showing a 7yo boy on one occasion that his pre-planned and much anticipated sleepover- a big first for him, something he and his friends have been looking forward to together- is something his parents recognise the importance of is not letting a child rule the roost. Unless I missed the bit where the op also mentioned the 7yo makes all plans in the family, decides what they eat and where they go and is never, ever asked to do anything he doesn't want to.

ItWasABoojum · 05/02/2012 09:47

I still remember having to miss a friend's birthday party for my uncle's 30th when I was about 7. In that case, the family party was arranged first, and I did have a great time - but I remember school the next day, where everyone was talking about the party, and all my friends had little heart-shaped notebooks from their party bags and I didn't. These things matter to little children - and to expect your DS to actually change his plans and miss out on a good time with his pals is really U of his grandma.

MULLYPEEP · 05/02/2012 09:56

I live in a family where there a lot of this mismatched expectation and obligational type stuff goes on. I'd say sleepover. I can def see why the birthday celebrations are a big deal but for me it's only a pity he can't make it. Given he is already attending the earlier do and his camp was booked first I think to make him go is just giving into emotional blackmail and not very respectful for anyone.

SydSaid · 05/02/2012 10:03

Trois - yes, family DOES come before friends. Which is why her SON should be able to do the pre-booked gig. HE comes first, before MIL's neighbours.

Op states quite clearly that her DS wants to go to the camp. op has also stated that they will be going to the family meal that was pre-arranged. This is a secondary celebration that should not take priority.

exoticfruits · 05/02/2012 10:08

People seem to leave planning so late and then expect everyone to jump! My mother had a big birthday in January. Ages ago she said she didn't want everyone travelling. We are doing it in April-we all worked out a date. Obviously it now comes first-it has been there since October. It would be different if people suddenly decided in March-other things would been the calendar. As it is my DS1 might not make it due to work commitments-he said so at the time of planning.

Maryz · 05/02/2012 10:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FlightRisk · 05/02/2012 10:14

Beaver camp. What 7yo wants to got to a party with a bunch of fogies?

Really MIL can like it or lump it if it was me, it would be the same if it was my family. I've been to lots of get togethers without DS because he's had other arrangements (scouts, with his dads family etc), people miss him but they've never insisted he should be there.

fuzzpig · 05/02/2012 10:18

Sleepover. And on time. Don't make him late - as someone mentioned earlier there may be a bit of "oh don't leave yet, just have another cake" AND by being late to the sleepover it'll be inconvenient for the Beavers and your DS will miss out on the in jokes etc.

It's not letting him rule the roost FFS. It is honouring a prior commitment.

FWIW my parents were always so scared of saying no to people that I was always lowest priority. Not just to grandparents but to family friends who kicked up a fuss.

GnomeDePlume · 05/02/2012 10:39

Agree with Maryz it should be one or the other. Dont arrive late to Beaver camp as they will have activities at the start to get everyone settled, in the mood. If your DS arrives late he will miss all of this which might affect his enjoyment.

I would guess that MiL wants DS there to make up the set 'all my grandchildren are here' rather than them mattering to the event as individuals.

If this were a funeral then that would take precedence of course but as it is an informal party and one of two events then Beavers takes precedence.

Original poster

CPtart · 05/02/2012 16:27

All your comments are fascinating - maybe I should show MIL!! Didn't realise it would generate such a hot bed of opinion.

OP posts:

ilovesooty · 05/02/2012 17:35

It's not letting him rule the roost FFS. It is honouring a prior commitment

ilovesooty · 05/02/2012 17:36

Exactly.

exoticfruits · 05/02/2012 18:15

I was a bit amazed that a prior commitment becomes 'ruling the roost'.

From the Beaver leader's point of view it is a bit irritating if they are giving up their valuable free time to arrange things and then at the last minute DCs start saying 'I can't go now -I'm off to a birthday party'.

DartsAgain · 05/02/2012 18:41

Another vote for the sleeover, and on time. Especially as the OP's DS will be attending the family dinner. It's not like he'll be missing the only celebration, is it?

My MIL and DM would have checked in advance to ensure things like this were not clashing.

IUseTooMuchKitchenRoll · 05/02/2012 18:46

I agree that your ds should be on time for the camp. It would be just as unfair to make him miss out on the beginning of it when everyone is excited and finding their way as it would be to make him miss it.

Heleninahandcart · 05/02/2012 18:54

Sleeover, on time and nothing less. MIL will have to respect that.

pointythings · 05/02/2012 19:28

Sleepover, and on time - prior commitments first and all that. Tough luck on MIL.

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