Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mother in law dilemma!!

95 replies

CPtart · 04/02/2012 20:35

My soon to be 7 year old DS is due to go away for a one night sleepover with his beaver group in a few weeks. It is his first time, lots of his friends are going and he is really looking forward to it.
MIL however turns 70 at the same time, and has unwittingly planned an informal family/friends get together for the same date, meaning effectively he will have to miss one or the other. (She is also having a smaller more intimate family meal a week earlier to which we are of course all going.)
DS wants to go on beaver camp. MIL says he "should" go to the birthday get together instead, reason being...get this...some old next door neighbours of theirs from 20 years ago would love to meet him! I have another DS and he will be coming with us.
I understand she will be slightly disappointed not to have all her grandchildren together to show off, but would she be so selfish as to "expect" (and I think thats what bugs me) him to forego his trip. There are almost 40 other people going, surely she could be happy with that??
What to do? I am adamant his pre-planned sleepover should stand.

OP posts:
Portofino · 04/02/2012 23:35

dd has Brownie camp in March. It is HER birthday on the Sunday, She would go spare if I suggested she didn't go. It is a BIG THING and she is really looking forward to it. Your MIL (an adult) needs to suck it up.

SydSaid · 04/02/2012 23:39

Another vote for sleepover. If MIL was so keen to have you all there, she could have checked the dates before finalising plans. Your son is busy that night, so he can't go.

TBH, I wouldn't make him late for his camp. What will she be like if you leave early? I suspect a bit of emotional blackmail might be on the cards. Easiest if he just doesn't go, and the rest of you do.

2rebecca · 04/02/2012 23:50

If the family party is a week earlier I'd go to that. I would have him leaving with the other beavers and wouldn't let him miss any of it. She will have loads of people there and should be generous enough not to begrudge him his trip. If the day of his beaver trip is her actual birthday maybe take him round in the morning if it's convenient, but if it's just a random day she has chosen then it doesn't matter if he isn't there as he'll be there for the family celebration.

Wearyworker · 05/02/2012 00:03

Sleepover :)

Letchladee · 05/02/2012 00:12

I agree that your son should go to the sleepover, so long as that was arranged first.

(like the other posters before me..) If you're important enough that you have to be there, then she should check that you are all available first. Surely that is just common decency?

To book an event, not check that you can go first, and then to moan when you can't is, well, just plain selfish and rude imho. Its very self important to say the least.

I'd stick to your guns. If its so important for your son to be there - can she change the date?

Maryz · 05/02/2012 00:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BabyDubsEverywhere · 05/02/2012 00:18

Id find something for your other DS to do too, a 70th party with 40 adults sound boring as hell...

Grin
ravenAK · 05/02/2012 00:54

Well, I can see she'd be disappointed at not showing him off to her mates - but really, she wants him to miss a sleepover in order to be patted on the head?

Can you get him to record a video message? Get him to put on something MIL will think smart & video a clip of him wishing grandma Happy Birthday - get him to sing HBD or recite a poem if he's the confident type - & make a big to-do about 'ds's video message for grandma'.

Ds did a couple of these when late FIL couldn't have visitors (chemo). FIL was so chuffed with them that we've carried on doing the occasional one with all 3 dc for step-MIL, & I know she likes playing them to her friends (who are probably heartily sick of the sight of three kids they don't know showing off for grandma...Grin).

myBOYSareBONKERS · 05/02/2012 07:59

Beaver camp is such a fantastic experience. My ds LOVES his (in cubs now!!) and he was so proud to get his first "overnight" badge to put on his jumper.

Someone asked what you would do if it was your own mother? Well if it was either my mum or my MIL neither of them would expect my boys to miss something like this - and I would refuse to let them also.

Dont take him late as that does cause issues for the pack leaders and he wont know the rules and plans for the day.

exoticfruits · 05/02/2012 08:08

If it was either my mother or MIL both would want him to go to the Beaver thing. As an ex Beaver leader I would say don't take him late.

People have plenty of advance warning that they have big birthdays coming up! They need to discuss it first with close family members-not wait until near the time-and then expect everyone to drop previous arrangements.

They can easily go ahead with party and do something with him later. I don't think it will be spoilt because one DC is missing.

seeker · 05/02/2012 08:16

As it's a pre arranged Beaver camp, he should go to the camp.

Ad an aside, I found this comment puzzling

"My Ds will be away at Cub camp this year for my brithday. I'm gutted, but he can celebrate my birthday at another time." Gutted- really?

exoticfruits · 05/02/2012 08:32

Parents do put a lot of emotional guilt on DCs! It is nice to have all the family to celebrate a birthday but 'gutted' is OTT.

OddBoots · 05/02/2012 09:00

He should go to the sleepover as planned.

Maybe he could record a video birthday message that could be played at the party so the neighbours could see him?

OddBoots · 05/02/2012 09:02

Sorry, ravenAK, I didn't see your post (or more likely skimmed it and my brain stole your idea as my own, sorry).

2rebecca · 05/02/2012 09:06

I can't think of any neighbour's kid or grandkid that I would be desperate to see and wanting to miss a camp sleepover so I could see them. WTF happens to women when they get old? It is scary.

RuleBritannia · 05/02/2012 09:13

2rebecca

Being a MiL or grandparents does not make one 'old'. Show some respect.

MrsMangoBiscuit · 05/02/2012 09:14

If it's such a big deal to your MiL that all family should be there, then she should have checked the date before "booking" it. I'd go with something along the lines of "Oh it's such a shame, I wish we'd known the date sooner."

OddBoots, birthday message is a fantastic idea! :)

MrsMangoBiscuit · 05/02/2012 09:16

RuleBritannia, being a MiL or a Grandparent doesn't make someone old, but I'd hardly call 70 young.

AThingInYourLife · 05/02/2012 09:16

God no, don't take him late.

Your MIL is being a nightmare.

Stick up for your son.

oldgrandmama · 05/02/2012 09:19

Gosh, I'm a mother in law, grandmama and I'm 70 (just!) Your son should definitely go on the Beaver adventure - loads more fun and adventure for him than a family party. If your mother in law can't see this, well, I think you just have to pull rank and be firm with her that the little lad is a Beaver that day and not a grandson in attendance.

googietheegg · 05/02/2012 09:19

I think people can make a big about a certain aspect of their party/wedding day or whatever before the actual event, but when the day comes they've forgotten how important that particular detail is anyway.

So I think your mil may be thinking it's a bit deal to have ds their and is preemptively 'embarrassed' that he's not going to be there, so is putting pressure on you. But come the day of the party there'll so much else to think of she won't really notice one GC is not there (sorryBlush)

So if you change your plans now so he goes to the party instead of the sleepover, yes she'll be happy now, but on the day it won't be noticed and your ds will just be pissed off he missed an important and exciting event that his pals will be talking about for ever.

troisgarcons · 05/02/2012 09:21

Family comes before friends.

This is an important birthday and as pointed out there will be other sleep overs.

Or you could ask your son what he wasnts to do ...Go to Nannys special birthday meal or go to a sleep over.

He might decide nanny is more important. Or he might not.

However I think your DH has the call on this - its his mother.

generic rant< TBH I do get a bit pissed off with parents who let their child rule the roost. Sometimes children have to do what their parents want. A novel idea I know.

2rebecca · 05/02/2012 09:21

Respect? Why? I don't know these people. Also wanting a young relative to be fussed over by friends and wanting to fuss over a friend's young relative is an old woman thing. I agree being an "old woman" also has a state of mind element to it and some woman become like this in their 50s, but the OP did say her MIL was 70. Men don't usually get like this, I can't imagine my dad being desperate for any of his friends to fuss over his grandkids, not that he doesn't love them and enjoy seeing them himself.

MrsMangoBiscuit · 05/02/2012 09:26

trois, I agree that children should not rule the roost, but I also don't think grandparents should. The OPs family are all attending the family celebration, so he will not be missing her entire birthday. The camp was booked before the party was, and the OP had already told her son he can go. If the big party was the only celebration, then I would probably be falling on the other side of the fence, but as it's not, I think the MiL is being unreasonable to expect other people to drop their plans without at least checking with them first.

2rebecca · 05/02/2012 09:27

But this is an "informal get together". The intimate family meal is a week before and he will attend that. To me this is seeing granny who he sees regularly and will see the week before v going on an annual camp with friends for the first time.
I agree I'd give him the choice, but as his parent I'd expect him to choose the latter and wouldn't see it as him ruling the roost as him going to camp doesn't stop everyone else going to grannies. Dragging kids along as cutesy accessories when they'd rather do something else seems selfish of the adults.