Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mother in law dilemma!!

95 replies

CPtart · 04/02/2012 20:35

My soon to be 7 year old DS is due to go away for a one night sleepover with his beaver group in a few weeks. It is his first time, lots of his friends are going and he is really looking forward to it.
MIL however turns 70 at the same time, and has unwittingly planned an informal family/friends get together for the same date, meaning effectively he will have to miss one or the other. (She is also having a smaller more intimate family meal a week earlier to which we are of course all going.)
DS wants to go on beaver camp. MIL says he "should" go to the birthday get together instead, reason being...get this...some old next door neighbours of theirs from 20 years ago would love to meet him! I have another DS and he will be coming with us.
I understand she will be slightly disappointed not to have all her grandchildren together to show off, but would she be so selfish as to "expect" (and I think thats what bugs me) him to forego his trip. There are almost 40 other people going, surely she could be happy with that??
What to do? I am adamant his pre-planned sleepover should stand.

OP posts:
AThingInYourLife · 04/02/2012 20:55

"Your ds has his own life and he deserves to live it."

Precisely

ChippingInLovesEasterEggs · 04/02/2012 20:55

Sleepover.

If it was that important to have everyone there, she should have checked the date first. She has caused this, not you or your DS, she's the one that has to miss out. Tough.

He will be at the family party for her - it's just tough she can't show him off to neighbours from 20 years ago.

LoveHandles88 · 04/02/2012 20:56

Definitely sleepover if it was already planned. ESPECIALLY if there's another celebration meal that your ds is attending.
Bproud (I understand your question was for niknak but you irked me) if my mother expected my dc to attend 2 celebratory dinners for the same event in in week she'd be told no, especially if they already had plans. But to be fair, she wouldn't expect the whole family to attend 2 dos, and would not be offended or peeved if we didn't attend both. She cares more about her grandchild than herself.

LoveHandles88 · 04/02/2012 20:57

Bproud
OP'S DS IS ALREADY ATTENDING ONE DO TO CELEBRATE THE 70TH BIRTHDAY.

Maryz · 04/02/2012 20:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ilovesooty · 04/02/2012 20:59

Why should it take precedence if it wasn't booked first and the GM didn't bother checking the date for family availability?

exoticfruits · 04/02/2012 21:00

The sleepover-it was there first. He can do something nice for her to celebrate and see her close to it.

AThingInYourLife · 04/02/2012 21:00

Actually the ridiculous selfishness of wanting a child to miss out on really fun plans so you can force him to go to a party so he can meet some olds his Granny knew 2 decades ago :o

It's laughable.

Rhinestone · 04/02/2012 21:01

Another vote for the sleepover. It's an important milestone for him and it sounds like that was arranged first.

And really, how much time are these next door neighbours going to spend with him? 5 minutes tops?!

Bproud · 04/02/2012 21:02

Lovehandles88 why are you shouting at me?

DoMeDon · 04/02/2012 21:05

She thinks he should do one thing - you think he should do another. Noone's being particularly U - just a case of different opinions and priorities. You, DS and his father should decide what is right for your famil (which includes MIL in my book)

If sleepover is a big deal - not my area- then I'd go with that. 70th party is important to MIL by sounds of it though and she deserves due consideration, even if you stick with sleepover.

The comments about 'right to a life' and 'DC not an accessory' are really making me chortle. He's 7 and it's talk of party v sleepover Grin

travailtotravel · 04/02/2012 21:05

Oh, no dilemma in my book. DS goes to Beavers, pitch to MIL as being marvellous timing as you and your DH can have a lovely relaxing time with her and not have to worry about DS with all the grown ups and then MIL can have some extra special time with MIL later. Win for you, win for DS (littley's often find family parties a bit tedious!) and you'll just have to invite her over or something later.

RuleBritannia · 04/02/2012 21:05

Your DS cannot go to this Beaver camp again. There will be another opportunity to meet your MiL's former neighbours. Why should the former neighbours come before your DS?

parakeet · 04/02/2012 21:06

In large families with complex social lives, nothing happens unless it's on the family's calendar/diary. MIL is the one being selfish, expecting plans to be changed around her needs. Does she want to be the matriach?

NellieForbush · 04/02/2012 21:07

MIL shouldn't just assume everyone is free that day. She's old enough to know better.

Fuzzywuzzywozabear · 04/02/2012 21:10

My parents came from another country to visit - it was a last minute decision. 2 of my ds's were already booked into cub & scout camp - they went camping - OP YANBU sleepover was booked first, let him go

glenthebattleostrich · 04/02/2012 21:10

Definately sleepover, if it was booked first.

ChaoticAngel · 04/02/2012 21:11

Your DS is already going to the family meal which is more important than the informal event. Sleepover wins especially if it's a once in a lifetime event.

Aniseeda · 04/02/2012 21:12

I'd let him go on the sleepover. I doubt the old neighbours will be that interested beyond a quick pat on the head and a brief mention of how much he looks like his Dad at that age anyway!

duckdodgers · 04/02/2012 21:16

I think a 7 year old would obviously prefer the sleepover.

And if you can honestly say hand on heart that you would still send him to the sleepover if it was your DM rather than MIL than sleepover it is. Ive just seen too many people here disregard the feelings of their MIL in favour of their own parents.

Eglu · 04/02/2012 21:16

Sleepover. I would like to think that neither my Mother or MIL would be selfish enough to espect my DS to forgo something like a camp for them.

My Ds will be away at Cub camp this year for my brithday. I'm gutted, but he can celebrate my birthday at another time.

Original poster
CPtart · 04/02/2012 21:19

Thank you for all your replies. It seems I am not being unreasonable. MIL has some very funny ideas about family tbh but thats another story. I'm sure these old friends and neighbours understandably have no real desire to meet my DS and it would be frustrating to mess up his sleepover just for the sake of polite 10 minute smalltalk. Ridiculous. I don't want to fall out woth GP however, so maybe we could cut it short at the gathering and hot foot it to beaver camp a couple of hours late. He WILL be getting his sleepover.

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 04/02/2012 21:23

How sad your MIL wasn't disappointed your DS was missing it because she wanted to spend time with him.

The only birthdays important to a 7 YO is their own Grin

And that's the way it should be.

WottingerAndWottingerAreDead · 04/02/2012 21:30

I'd say sleepover unless, if you ask if it was your own Mum's 70th, whether you'd be tempted to change plans and all go to her party? If so then you'd have to ask self why one rule for one Gran and one for the other (said as someone who's been in that position and had to ask myself the same question..)

niknakpaddywhack · 04/02/2012 23:30

Sorry Bproud only just come back to this. Please tell me where I told the OP treat the MIL like a child? I said to play it down, don't go on about it, it's a done deal. Why should, as many, many others have said but you choose to name me, the child be disappointed when both MIL and child can be satisfied, even if not entirely to the MIL's wishes?

Swipe left for the next trending thread