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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

or are they? sweets drama.

79 replies

duracell12 · 04/02/2012 12:13

Today I promised ds he could have sweets as he has not had a ny for weeks, has a new brace so I said to take it out[thats fine], andd save half for tomorrow. They are jelly worms from M&S.
I had asked him yesterday what he wanted, and gone to the shop after work specially as he has been v gd about his brace and in general.
I said put them in a bowl and save other half.. he did this, put remaining on side and dh and dd[18] went over and ate them.. ds saw and said "they're mine"[I had been about toget him to offer round from the bowl] and they both shouted"Don't be so spoilt, mum you are making him totally spoilt, spoilt brat[dh]
He tried to get sweet out of dd hand she laughed and ate it ,shouting and he burst into tears and hit her on her side not hard. They went balistic.
So, obv he should have offered, he shouldn't have hit but they were out of order and it wasn't nice ot fair.
Dh said"they were mine, anyway, I paid for them from the money from account so I can have them, you have to share everything out!"
I realise it is only sweets, but this extends with my dh to other things and i don't think he has boundaries of who has what, and I think dh and dd are ganging up against me. dd also had a rant about what a totally crapmother I am and how ds will never have any friends, etc, etc, in fron t of ds crying now about the shouting and being nasty.

OP posts:
lifechanger · 05/02/2012 08:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

my2centsis · 05/02/2012 08:50

YANBU I feel sorry for your DS especially as you say this was his reward for good behavior :( you don't sound like a crap mum at all and am very [shocked] your dd would say this to you. As for dh he's acting like a child.

fuzzpig · 05/02/2012 09:05

He sounds like a full time Disney Dad.

You need to think carefully about your actions now though - otherwise you will forever be known and treated as the one who flipped out over a sweet.

imaginethat · 05/02/2012 09:28

No yanbu, they are. Infact I agree with BluddyMo that it was very mean. He is just a young boy and they are adults. Totally unneccessary to upset him and also undermining you and generally causing problems.

Sounds like this is how things are generally which must be very hard to live with.

Why is your 18yo calling you a crap mum? That is outrageous.

imaginethat · 05/02/2012 09:34

Sorry, missed some of your updates, I get the picture more now.

Horrible for you & ds. You do sound very fed up. Do you have any good support?

SuePurblybilt · 05/02/2012 09:35

If you both work, how is he justifying the 'my money, my house' nonsense (not suggesting that he would be justified if you were SAHM, just that he might think he was).
They both sound awful tbh and I feel sorry for your little boy.

Bloodymary · 05/02/2012 10:16

YANBU, god I do not know who is worse, your DD or DH.
Awful behaviour from both of them.

Your poor DS Sad

iscream · 05/02/2012 10:31

I am shocked to read this. Have they never heard that only jerks "steal candy from babies"?
Your husband and daughter are very rude and disrespectful. Your husband saying the candy was actually his, and your daughter speaking so meanly about and too her little brother?
He should not have hot her, but why should he the eight year old child have to be the one with good behavior?
How did the family come to be this way?

They are bullies.

iscream · 05/02/2012 10:32

*to, not too.

*hit not hot

SydSaid · 05/02/2012 10:38

This issue is much deeper than sweets.

First thing I'd do - take DS out and buy him a bumper bag of sweets.

Second thing I'd do - leave, and take your son with you, or get 'D' H to leave.

You are better than this.

SydSaid · 05/02/2012 10:39

Sorry, that was harsh. That is what I would do, I wouldn't put up with being treated like that. I really shouldn't have said that though, as your life is not mine, and only you can decide whats best for you.

Thumbwitch · 05/02/2012 10:40

Jeez. I started off thinking YWNBU anyway - really winds me up when I've given DS half of something (e.g. a Kinder egg) and DH thinks he can just help himself to the other half just because he fancies it - DS is only 4, FFS, these things matter to him!

And then I read the rest and now I feel so so sad for you and your DS. Mostly you. Your DH sounds really quite unpleasant and he's allowing your DD to treat you in the same way? What a bastard. Sounds like he's trying to isolate you within the family and will start on your DS soon as well, trying to get him "on his side" rather than yours :(.

So - the house is in joint names? Or his? what would happen if you filed for divorce? Because I'd seriously be thinking about it, tbh.

ChippingInLovesEasterEggs · 05/02/2012 10:43

The pair of them are nasty.

DH would be out. DD would be told to sort her shit out or move out as well, mouthy little mare.

BlueFergie · 05/02/2012 11:26

This has made me so sad for you poor little DS. Being bullied like this by his own father and sister. Your DH is a nasty shit and your daughters behaviour is atrocious. You need to stick up for him and yourself. Do not let her undermine his self confidence like this. Is DD been made apologise to DS? Poor little.mite.

pictish · 05/02/2012 11:34

Pair of bullies.

I will not lay quite so much blame at your daughter's feet - she is young, and if she has grown up seeing her mother diminished and disrespected, even in small ways, it is not entirely surprising that her attitude should be so bad. She's still an arrogant bisom though.

I see your dh as the problem here - he sounds very domineering and self satisfied.

Original poster
duracell12 · 05/02/2012 16:45

I have just got back from a trip and meal with my in laws.
we have brought my eldest ds back with me.
My young ds has been quiet, not really himself but I think ok.
My feeling is I know this is "just who dh is" but that is not someone I want to be with. I asked my sil how she thought dh treats me in public and she said a bit off but he was just like that... we only had a minute or two on our own.
I know he does practical stuff around the house but I don't want any more unhappiness for me and ds[ and bad example.. tho of course he will still see dh if we split but at least I will get some time on my own with ds instaed of dh trying to monopolise him all the time.]

OP posts:
Original poster
duracell12 · 05/02/2012 17:30

we both work but i stayed at home with dc for a few years during which time he paid for everything.. tho i did everything and contributed in other ways such as renovating house and sales etc.I been back at work f/t 3 years.
house in both names.

OP posts:
Original poster
duracell12 · 05/02/2012 19:17

the trip was pre arranged special occasion.i had to be civil in the car but have not spoken since home.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 05/02/2012 19:54

This is not about DD. She is being a bitch because her father is allowing/encouraging it. I was a horrible teen and awful to my DM but my father never condoned this and I grew out of it. She needs boundaries and he is being a seriously shitty father not providing these. He cares more about control and manipulation than either of these children. Sorry Sad

Original poster
duracell12 · 05/02/2012 20:34

our boiler has conked out, ds and i are sitting in bed reading and .. eating sweets x

OP posts:
ChitChatFlyingby · 05/02/2012 20:53

she said to me"I hope u get ur act together soon mum before the teenage years, you are a crap parent.

If she says something like that again reply "Clearly I must have been a crap mum given how gobby and rude YOU'VE turned out!"

mantlepiece · 05/02/2012 20:55

this is not about any of the children. you and your DH seem to be having relationship issues and you are both using the children as weapons. that really needs to stop.
It may be that your DH has got you so you don't know which way is up.

You really need to step back and see the bigger picture, stop focusing on individual incidents and deal with the real issue.
Your children must be very confused by the adult behaviour in the house so I think you should leave your DD's behaviour to one side for the moment, your DH is operating a divide and rule.
Not her fault.
Do you want out of the relationship? Does he? Or can you start to be a couple and parents again?

Original poster
duracell12 · 05/02/2012 21:15

i think that is slightly unfair.
i want out of the relationship..
i suppose i think imbetween the incidents like the one yesterday, that things are reasonably ok and i don.t quite have the justification to make him leave on grounds of unreasonable behaviour.
then something like this happens and i see he has no respect for me or maybe anyone, and i think his behaviour is making homelife intolerable. and he doesn't apologise or acknowledge a problem at all.
i am not using the children, i am just trying to make things fairer.
I have posted to see what u think because I don't love him anymore, I wanted perspective on whether I am being a bit intolerant, and this is actually fairly normal behaviour.. after all, dd is siding with him, so maybe i am the one who has got it wrong.

OP posts:
Original poster
duracell12 · 05/02/2012 21:17

and the relationship issues are basically that i disagree with how he behaves, albeit intermittently, and for ruining everything.

OP posts:
JugsMcGee · 05/02/2012 21:31

I don't mean this to sound like I'm having a go. But is there any chance you are quite precious with DS? Could DH and DD have "formed an alliance" in the face of you favouring DS over everyone else?

I'm not condoning their behaviour and certainly not the way they've spoken to you. But just wondering if DS is a bit of a golden child and they've been shut out?