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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think if you SAH and your DP works and earns X, you do not therefore earn X yourself

789 replies

catgirl1976 · 04/02/2012 09:53

I do not want to start a SAH / WAH bunfight and this is inspired by another thread but......

A thread recently was asking people if they earnt over £40k and I was surprised to see a number of posters saying they were SAHM / SAHD but their partner earnt XX, so therefore they did too.

Now, I am not commenting on the value of the work a stay at home partner does - the value is huge and it is a tough, worthwhile thing to do.

But you do not earn. (Even if you should etc etc).

I work. My DH stays at home. If I heard DH saying "oh catgirl earns xxx so I earn xxx too" I would be really peed off and think - "no, no dude - you don't."

We don't have separate money - what's mine is his and vice versa, and I am happy with our arrangement. It is hos money as much as mine, but I earn it. He didn't spend 20 hours negotiating a deal or whatever - that was me.

It has never even occured to me before, but I was just surprised that people felt if DP earned an amount, they earned it too and would actually say, well yes I earn over £40k as DH is a GP or whatever.

It almost felt like some people were saying they were somehow personally doing better than others because they had "married better" which seemed really Hmm

AIBU?

OP posts:
rhondajean · 06/02/2012 00:02

Look we are talking about people who make a decision they can afford to stay at home are we not.

I would never assume everyone has savings.

There has been times we have not, certainly.

Can you please make up,your mind what your argument is. Minest is that grown women - or men - should have a grip on their finances, where possible have planned for the unexpected, and do not need someone el to give them permission to buy things.

LineRunner · 06/02/2012 00:02

Quattro, I just felt blind panic when ExH walked out. I had to give up one of two p-t positions just to manage. My family live quite far away and ExH's family were hopeless. I think they all expected me to pack in all work and live humbly on benefits, seeking handouts from them all. I was terrified by living on state benefits - hats off to those who manage to do this and bring up their DCs.

I have to say, I was saved by tax credits. I will always thank Gordon Brown for inventing them - they really were a lifeline for me and my kids. It's awful that they are being cut.

The kids are able to be independent now after school - although see the NSPCC crap advice (I have been on that thread a bit!) which would suggest I could be neglectful.

DCs don't become less needful, though - older kids just have more complex problems they need their parent(s) for!

rhonda - One day, one sweet day, I will use my PhD again. I promise myself that.

Quattrocento · 06/02/2012 00:08

Linerunner, that's a brilliant example of a woman coping because she had to but also because she could. Hats off to you.

Honey, I'm delighted to find someone who also hates parks, even when sunny. I thought I was the only non-park-worshipper on MN. Or on this thread, anyway, where parks are nectar and ambrosia. Apparently.

sozzledchops · 06/02/2012 00:12

Am I the only one that loves the park, fucking weirdo that i am obviously.

fedupofnamechanging · 06/02/2012 00:14

I fucking hate the park. And singing 'wheels on the bus'. I still go, because the dc like it, but mostly I get dh to do it at the weekend, as he has a greater tolerance for it than I do. I would rather teach stroppy year 9 than go to the park, and that's saying something Grin.

I'm not sure it's true that sahps had a sahp themselves. My mum had periods of working and periods at home when I was a child. If I'm honest, I preferred it when she was home. I (briefly) had a horrible cm when I was a kid and perhaps this has coloured my view and affected how I made my own child care decisions.

Just wanted to add that I do not ask permission before I spend money. If I was married to the kind of man who expected that, we would not be married for very long and I would not have trusted him enough to be a sahm.

rhondajean · 06/02/2012 00:14

You just know there will be people going

I'm a name changing regular, poo spores, Pom bears, parks.... As of tomorrow!

rhondajean · 06/02/2012 00:17
Quattrocento · 06/02/2012 00:19

Hang on hang on hang on ...

I have discovered what it is that differentiates sahps from wohps. You look at this thread. Just look at it. All the wohps hate parks with a passion. All the sahps love parks and would prefer not to work so they can spend more time there. THAT'S THE DIFFERENCE.

I'm jolly glad that we live in a world where parks are freely available for those that need them, and avoidable for those that don't.

fedupofnamechanging · 06/02/2012 00:21

Except Quattro, that I am a sahm and I hate the park

Quattrocento · 06/02/2012 00:22

Oh bugger

fedupofnamechanging · 06/02/2012 00:22

Sorry

LineRunner · 06/02/2012 00:22

Does anyone remember the Parcs thread?

HoneyandHaycorns · 06/02/2012 00:24

But they aren't avoidable, are they quattro? I still get dragged along despite having high-powered job. :(

And anyway, isn't karma a SAHM? And hasn't she therefore just fucked up your theory?

HoneyandHaycorns · 06/02/2012 00:24

X post!

LineRunner · 06/02/2012 00:25

My new and improved theory is:

Are you a 'park' or a 'parc'?

HoneyandHaycorns · 06/02/2012 00:29

I wish someone would do one of those very useful research projects that they publish from time to time to show that parks are actually very damaging to children. And that singing "wheels on the bus" repeatedly will actually cause your dc to fall behind several levels in his/her reading. Life would be so much more pleasant.

Quattrocento · 06/02/2012 00:30

Elaborate, Linerunner. This is how scientific advances are made. One person puts forward a theory. Tis then exploded as spurious (by Karma). Another person finds a new and better theory that actually fits the facts. I still think there's something there.

Parks are avoidable, I think. A bit of ingenuity ('the ducks have all died') should work. Harder when you live next door to one, though

rhondajean · 06/02/2012 00:32

Was he parks thread the centre parcs bumsex one?

LineRunner · 06/02/2012 00:35

Yes, rhonda. Help, help me, rhonda. Smile

Do you go up the park? = SAHM

Do you take it up the parc? = WOHM.

No, wait, it's the other way round ... Quattro, help ... oh fuck.

SecretMinceRinser · 06/02/2012 00:35

Rhonda I can't be arsed to explain myself again. If me and dh would prefer to consult each other before making big purchases with our family money then we will. If you don't then don't.
Personally I find it odd when committed couples keep their finances separate and lend each other money if they run out. I also can'r see how it would work if one partner earned more than the other - do you both just do what they lower paid partner can afford or does the higher earning partner make a big gesture of paying all the time?

LineRunner · 06/02/2012 00:35

(Catgirl, I'm so sorry about your lovely thread.) (I'll make it up to you.)

LineRunner · 06/02/2012 00:38

Secretmince, I'm really sorry, I must seem so flippant around you. Like I said before, lots of lifestyles are tenable.

But I've had a hot toddy.

rhondajean · 06/02/2012 00:38

I currently earn three times what DH does. Previously he has earned four times what I did. Secret, go figure.

No one suggested you don't consult. Ffs please try to realise what the discussions is about.

And on that note, despite the riveting conversation, and the Super Bowl being on, I had better get to bed.

Some of us have to work in the morning!

HoneyandHaycorns · 06/02/2012 00:38

I'm liking the line about the ducks being dead! Grin

Shame dd has a clear view of the park from her bedroom window.

rhondajean · 06/02/2012 00:39

(yes sorry cat girl, but thanks for letting me have so much fun. It's been a ball!)