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Original poster

Are there any single Dads

79 replies

JugsyMalone · 04/02/2012 01:25

Not being rude - I genuinely have never met one.

OP posts:
Original poster
JugsyMalone · 04/02/2012 02:11

JustLaura - I dont think that residency arrangement happens that often.

It is more likely to be that the mother has the child about 90% of the time.

I did know a guy who had absolutely 50% of the time but he still paid maintenance despite the fact she earned about 4 times what he did.

That does NOT alter the fact that a lot of single mothers are left in the lurch.

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OldLadyKnowsNothing · 04/02/2012 02:15

Because, Laura, they are NRP. Angry

My DS2 is actually in this situation, except he probably does slightly more than 50% of the childcare while paying more CM than the CSA would order, and yes, he does the discipline and the sick nights too.

But she gets the Child Benefit (because she doesn't work, while he does) so she's the boss.

Birdsgottafly · 04/02/2012 02:18

He paid maintainance for his child, though, so it shouldn't matter what she earned.

Women being economacally dependant on men (because they were at home with children) and men needing to work long hours topay for a family, suited a agenda. It went nicely alongside low wages, it ensured the working class kept working,regardless of conditions.

Birdsgottafly · 04/02/2012 02:19

Old-why is she the boss because she gets child benefit?

Birdsgottafly · 04/02/2012 02:22

JustLaura- from a different POV it is a clever use of language to put down SAHM's, who happen to not be working. If all seperated dads were classed as LP's the media and Tory party couldn't wage war against them.

Original poster
JugsyMalone · 04/02/2012 02:23

OldLady - not all NRP's are great you know.

My ex-DH left me with his own daughter as well as our son and my own son. I raised all 3 of them.

He would only pay CM for the youngest and told me to put his DD in care.

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Birdsgottafly · 04/02/2012 02:27

My DH's ex said the same when he asked her how he could carry on working and might lose the family home, her reply was that there was a children's home up the road if that happened.

She walked out thinking the man that she was having an affair with was going to marry her. She only turned upto cause trouble or ask fo rmoney (he and then us had the children).

Original poster
JugsyMalone · 04/02/2012 02:29

BIRD - best thing I ever did - I now have a daughter that I adore.

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Original poster
JugsyMalone · 04/02/2012 02:31

BIRD - but he called my bluff, he knew me well enough to know that I would raise her anyway. He turns up to take DS2 our child on holidays, weekends, whatever and her and my own son catcall him.

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Birdsgottafly · 04/02/2012 02:34

Jugsy- my POV is that you have 'to live in your own head' and for how some people are towards their children, i don't see how they can. I am talking about those that walk away with little after thought for the child's wellbeing, not someone who struggles to cope.

I wouldn't want the relationship that some have,or rather don't have with their children, regardless of how hard/lonely/isolating it can be at times.

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 04/02/2012 02:36

Birds, in all honesty, fuck knows. I'm not going to say she's a bad mother, because mostly she's not. But she refuses to sort access out legally, so it's all by mutual agreement. Mostly this works, but every now and again (roughly every 6 weeks since they split, but the pattern isn't that clear, and depends on who she's been speaking to/shagging recently) she'll make an irrational/impossible demand, and when DS can't fulfill it (because he's working, his hours are irregular, zero hours minimum wage contract) her first response, every single time, is "You'll never see him again". Mostly she thaws within a day or two, though at one point she said if he went to a lawyer he'd never see his Ds again. The next time, it was, "See a lawyer, because you'll never see him again otherwise" so he saw a lawyer, and a letter was sent, and she's been Ok since.

But it was made very clear to my DS that if he went to court to have the 50/50 thing set down, he'd probably be reduced to "every other weekend, and one evening a week" and that is so much less than he has now he's not willing to risk it.

She gets the CB, so she is the RP, even though the dc spends more time with his dad than with his mum. So she gets to call the shots.

Not all NRP dads are deadbeats.

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 04/02/2012 02:37

Massive x post, will now catch up.

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 04/02/2012 02:42

Jugsy, aboslutely I know not all NRP are good. I'm aware of the 60% who don't pay CM, I used to work for a single-parent charity which offered respite.

But the 40% who do pay, do care, and not every RP is that fantastic either.

Birdsgottafly · 04/02/2012 02:43

Old- your DS should document how often he has him and is she is still difficult, when the child is over 8 the child's wishes will be taken into account and he will get more than was quoted, tbh,i think that may not be the right advice anyway.

There isn't always an answer because people do change and become this game player after a split. Your DS must just struggle to get enough work and enough time with his child. The only consalation is that they get to an age where they have control over visits to the NRP.

Original poster
JugsyMalone · 04/02/2012 02:45

BIRD - got 3 kids - 1 of them is a bonus kid and the other 2 I had the old fashioned way. I have ordered them (joking) to provide me with 2 gkids each and a villa in lanzagrotty.

Surely I deserve it by now!

It's been bloody hard, but I must say that the older kids have really tried to help to bring in money sometimes or to help run the home. They know it's been hard.

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OldLadyKnowsNothing · 04/02/2012 02:49

Birds, he's been keeping a diary since 1 January this year, when his ds was with him and she got so drunk and maudlin she punched walls and broke two fingers.

It's not always mummy=good, daddy = fuckwit.

Original poster
JugsyMalone · 04/02/2012 02:55

OldLady - I think the norm these days is every other w/e and Wednesdays. If your DS is getting more than than unofficially it might be best left unofficial. As for the CB - it is £15 pw, just put it out of your mind, I am sure sure spends £15 pw on the child anyway.

If she is shagging, is your DC shagging too? Who cares really?

Think of the end result you want which hopefully is a good relationship for your gkid's sake between you, your gkid, your gkid's mum and your son.

Bite the bullet, bake a cake and get your fat arse over there. I would, I would be terrified but I would be more scared of losing the gkid.

This isn't a time to pick your teeth over rights and wrongs.

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Birdsgottafly · 04/02/2012 02:58

Old i think i explained in my post my job roles and personal circumstances so i come into contact with all sorts of families and people.

Things will get better was the DS gets older.

I would always rather have the respect from the children and self respect rather than extra income, or time, even.

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 04/02/2012 03:07

Jugsy, I'm sorry, I've ranted/vented a bit here. Mostly it works, and I keep my neb out of it.

She needs the CB to keep her other "lone parent" benefits, I've no squabble with that because my dgs benefits. But I hate, hate , hate that she holds that threat over my Ds's relationship with the son he desperately loves, and parents well. And that the courts might well reduce it to "every other weekend and a Wednesday evening". And then he can be accused of disney-daddying... Sorry, getting too emotionally involved now.

I know there are thousands, maybe hundreds of thousands, of useless dads who fuck off and have no interest, who won't pay and so on.

But how would you feel if you were only allowed to see your kids "every other weekend and a Wednesday night"?

And my arse is not fat.

^ sad attempt at humour^

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 04/02/2012 03:12

Birds, yes, I get you. It's just that my Ds became a father very young, and every relationship he has in the future is going to be coloured by the fact that he is an involved father. He isn't, and probably never will be, RP to his son, but any long-term relationship means some form of step-motherhood for a gf.

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 04/02/2012 03:15

So, when I see "are there any single dads" and it seems to exclude my ds from that description, because he's not RP but does have his DS at least 50%... well do you see where I'm going?

Original poster
JugsyMalone · 04/02/2012 03:19

OldLady - get your thin arse over there and make nice. DS1's Gmum is a super best friend. I adore her and we are really good friends. We have had our squabbles, DS1 is 21 so it has been a long time but she introduces me as her daughter, not her ex-DIL. She views my other kids as her Gkids too. DS1's Dad hates it that she does but she doesnt give a fuck and she has been able to see her own Gkid whenever she wants.

Because she doesnt treat me like the enemy.

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TheresASpareChairOverThere · 04/02/2012 03:22

There are nearly 2million lone parent families, with 8% headed by men - according to the results of my googling anyway.

I should be asleep I think...

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 04/02/2012 03:33

Oh, Jugsy, I really don't treat or think of my dgs's mum as an enemy, I intoduced her to my family as my DIL! It's not about her and me, it's about how she acts towards my DS, and how that affects their son, my dgs. I thought we got on really well for years, and remain upset at the change in her behaviour, I don't know how to handle it and that's why I keep my neb out.

But, fukkit, I'm now a MIL and by definition, an interfering cunt.

Hope you don't have sons.

redexpat · 04/02/2012 07:57

I know of one. I know his mother. Her now ex DIL is mentally ill. It's all quite Sad