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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be really annoyed about wedding invite

83 replies

SooticaTheWitchesCat · 03/02/2012 17:57

My cousin is getting married this year and I know they have said no children, which is up to them but when I received the invitation it was sent to my parents and just had my mum, dad and myself on it, no mention of my husband.

Now I know my cousin's partner doesn't know my husband, I have only met her once, but I really can find no excuse for not asking. My cousin certainly knows who he is!

I am so annoyed!

I can understand the no children, although it isn't something I could do but not to get an invite for my husband has just made me fume. I haven't even told him as I know he would be upset.

So AIBU to be so annoyed? I am not even going to reply, my parents can send the reply as they got the invite.

OP posts:
Original poster
SooticaTheWitchesCat · 03/02/2012 19:07

You are right MosEisley, if they had done that I wouldn't have been annoyed about it.

OP posts:
LikeAnAdventCandleButNotQuite · 03/02/2012 19:08

She is well within her rights to invite who she likes. At my wedding, I had a 'no small talk' rule for the daytime. Everyone who was invited were people I am close to. This meant there were partners of some very important people who did not get a daytime invite (did get a nighttime one though).
Why should you have what is to most the most important and expensive day of your life and have to worry about not knowing X,Y or Z.
No-one batted an eye lid (to me anyways).

IMO it is NU of them to not invite your partner.
They are BU to not send you your own invite.

GrahamTribe · 03/02/2012 19:10

Yes LoveInAColdClimate, my friend attended and she still speaks to us now, several years on! Had she not wanted to that would have been her choice, no big deal, but who came to my wedding was definitely mine! (And DHs of course).

LikeAnAdventCandleButNotQuite · 03/02/2012 19:10

Graham good on you. I didn't invite my aunt's OH to the daytime as he is a twunt. He came to the night time and royally screwed it up. I have told my aunt that if I were to do it all again, he wouldn't have a night time invite.

LoveInAColdClimate · 03/02/2012 19:13

She sounds like a nice friend, Graham. Does she know you can't bear her DH? My loyalty would always to be to DH and I wouldn't go to a wedding if I knew he'd been excluded because the bride didn't like him, but maybe that's easy for me to say because everyone always likes him!

mrsravelstein · 03/02/2012 19:18

agree, loveinacoldclimate, if one of my friends couldn't stand dh and therefore didn't invite him, i think it would make it very tricky to continue being friends

OhCobblers · 03/02/2012 19:19

Actually I think that the problem here is the way that the invitation was given. If they had sent a separate invitation to you (alone) at your house, and handwritten a note saying 'we're very sorry but due to limited numbers we can't invite DH, but we would love you to be there', it would be more understandable
I completely agree with this.

Its the way its been handled that is unreasonable. I think they must have known that which is why your name is on the same invite as your parents (which was a ridiculous thing to do IMO). Or a simple phone call to you explaining should have sufficed.

I was invited to a wedding years ago and i had just started going out with my boyfriend (now DH). My friend explained that they were really stuck on venue numbers (couldn't book a bigger venue due to lack of them and money) and were not inviting a few boyfriends/husbands as they just didn't have space (admittedly i wasn't family but i don't think that makes a difference). However, they were courteous enough to explain this and as a result i don't think anyone minded - i know i didn't. I think thats perhaps where your cousin has gone wrong.

However, no reason not to go and have a great time with your family Smile

Laquitar · 03/02/2012 19:20

We have started some wonderful friendships with cousins and their partners/dh/dw after meeting them at weddings.

I find it very odd.

I would rather cut cost on flowers etc and invite everybody.

Nanny0gg · 03/02/2012 19:25

You do not add adults to their parents' invitations when they no longer live at 'home'. It is a bizarre thing to do. It's as though the OP has no husband or children.
An individual invite to the OP would have been better.

GrahamTribe · 03/02/2012 19:27

LoveInAColdClimate, yes, my friend knows I can't stand her DH. He's the only one of my friends' husbands and partners that I really don't like and she knows the reasons for it (essentially his morals and mine are poles apart), so she accepts it as a genuine dislike on my part rather than a spiteful bit of bitchiness and I don't know, maybe that helps?

CupOfBrownJoy · 03/02/2012 20:08

oh, just don't go.

Weddings are crap anyway

KatieMiddleton · 03/02/2012 20:17

Whatever the rights and wrongs your stroppy attitude and getting your parents to ring other people and cause a fuss when you're not going any way is just petty.

I also think if you don't know the couple (yes BOTH of them) then you don't merit and invite any way. But I have a rule to only invite people I like to celebrations.

MrsCampbellBlack · 03/02/2012 20:20

Golly - you hardly ever see them. The bride to be doesn't know your husband - you are a 'duty' invite.

Don't go but don't let your mum phone and make a fuss.

OK they weren't correct about etiquette but seriously - its just not worth the bother.

ahhhhhpushit · 03/02/2012 20:23

I had that. We had dinner with an engaged couple a couple of weeks before receiving their wedding invite, a big two day do requiring two nights away. Only DH invited. I was enraged! I had paid for their dinner!!!!!!!! I wrote back saying DH wont be attending. Rude rude rude.

MrsCampbellBlack · 03/02/2012 20:26

If you both know them it is rude I agree.

But if one of you doesn't and they're tight for numbers - well I do understand them perhaps preferring to have an actual friend there instead.

But as I said - I suspect it was a duty invite and they assume the OP won't attend.

Original poster
SooticaTheWitchesCat · 03/02/2012 20:40

I don't think it was a duty invite as we always all go to family weddings, we don't have a big family.

My cousin was talking to me about the wedding last time I saw him and from they way he was speaking it seemed like he wanted me to go.

OP posts:
YouOldSlag · 03/02/2012 22:05

It's rude to invite half a couple to save money. If your wedding is too expensive then invite neither or have a cheaper wedding. I just find it really rude.

Exceptions would be: work colleagues, or partners you hadn't been with very long (my cousin has a new GF every time I see him).

Weddings have gone really mad if they are now so exclusive that only half a couple can be invited. I hope this doesn't become a trend because I think it loses the focus that weddings are also about two families coming together and maybe the start of a new family too in the future.

To invite someone to celebrate your marriage whilst not recognising theirs kind of misses the point a bit.

nalubeadsgirl · 03/02/2012 23:53

What's the problem? She probably figured you know your mum and dad, so it's not like you're going solo and don't know anybody. She doesn't know your partner. He doesn't know her, so he's hardly likely to be bothered he's not been invited.

I don't understand why everyone's getting so uptight about it! It's an invite FOR YOU to a do. If you don't want to go, then don't. But don't make a big deal out of it. You are an individual, so is your partner. She's invited you! Why not have a fun night out without your partner?! (or is that not allowed!) :D

lurkinginthebackground · 04/02/2012 00:09

I think they should have just invited your mum and dad. They can't really invite half of a married couple though.
You say you invited all the cousins to yours but really that isn't the same if you are getting married abroard is it? The sheer expense alone ensures that a lot of guests simply will decline the invite. then the hassel of flying etc etc.

Both myself and bil were not invited to pils 50th wedding "dinner."
I have been married for 20 years to their son and bil married 18years to their daughter. None of the grandchildren were invited. In the end nobody went and they spent it alone.

Don't stress over it.

catgirl1976 · 04/02/2012 09:41

That is terribly rude
YANBU

Catsmamma · 04/02/2012 09:49

oh i wouldn't go...if they are already economising on stamps and invites, it'll be a shit buffet.

and no need at all for you to rsvp, your parents will have to do that as you are on their invite.

higamoushogamous · 04/02/2012 09:56

I don't think it is rude at all - though perhaps they should have explained why. I'm from a largish extended family and I quite often get invited to things without DH and children. DH doesn't mind, he has better things to do than make small talk with people he doesn't know well. As my brother and I get on best with different parts of the family quite often I get an invite and he doesn't and vice versa. No problem.

shesparkles · 04/02/2012 10:06

I was very much in agreement with the majority about the rudeness of not inviting your dh until I remembered a friend's wedding...

They were seriously tight for money, and way before invitations went out, she spoke to me and a mutual friend, telling us she'd love to have us there, but really couldn't stretch to partners, and would we mind partnering each other. It wasn't an issue for either of us and we were looking forward to a girly day out.
The way she dealt with it was so much better than your invitation-which is poor etiquette in the extreme-especially adding you to your parents' invitation. I don't think I'd make any issue of it, but just decline quietly but make sure anyone you speak to knows about it

With my friend's wedding, when the invitation came, it included dh and the children-I was really disappointed as my other pal and I had planned a bit of a "Thelma and Louise" type dayGrin

sayithowitis · 04/02/2012 10:18

I just find it odd that a celebration of two people 'joining together', becoming a 'legal' couple etc, should exclude one half of another couple!

I get that if you were someone who had a different partner every few weeks, they would rather not invite an unknown +1, but to exclude your husband? I can't imagine doing that.

The only other thing that comes to mind, is that maybe the Bride 2B parents didn't have a separate address for you and mistakenly added you to your parent's invite, rather than doing a separate one for you and DH and sending it care of your parents? A long shot I know, but maybe a possibility ( though would have thought they could have called cousins parents to find out)?

aquafunf · 04/02/2012 10:25

Sorry, maybe your op is wrong.

BUT- YOU HAVE ONLY MET YOUR COUSIN ONCE?

seriously? and you are miffed? you are hardly close. really and seriously chill out. Politely decline, send a card with your parents wishing them well signed by all of you.

You are unlikely to ever meet again, other than at a funeral.