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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be really annoyed about wedding invite

83 replies

SooticaTheWitchesCat · 03/02/2012 17:57

My cousin is getting married this year and I know they have said no children, which is up to them but when I received the invitation it was sent to my parents and just had my mum, dad and myself on it, no mention of my husband.

Now I know my cousin's partner doesn't know my husband, I have only met her once, but I really can find no excuse for not asking. My cousin certainly knows who he is!

I am so annoyed!

I can understand the no children, although it isn't something I could do but not to get an invite for my husband has just made me fume. I haven't even told him as I know he would be upset.

So AIBU to be so annoyed? I am not even going to reply, my parents can send the reply as they got the invite.

OP posts:

fatlazymummy · 03/02/2012 18:28

lilo, I also come from a not very well off family. I would never have dreamt of not inviting husbands/wives/partners. They also become part of the family unit, as I became part of my OH's family. It's just basic good manners, and if you can't afford to invite family members then choose somewhere cheaper.

lilolilmanchester · 03/02/2012 18:31

ok, get what you're saying. So maybe, really, it would have been better if they'd just invited your parents and not you at all, if they couldn't afford to invite your partner (and the other partners of all the other not-so-close people they wanted there.) So on reflection, YANBU but perhaps for different reasons

RuleBritannia · 03/02/2012 18:34

Does your cousin know that you are married?

fatlazymummy · 03/02/2012 18:35

I think inlaws should be treated as full family members. It would be different if you were inviting a group from work, especially if it was just to the evening part.

SlinkingOutsideInFrocks · 03/02/2012 18:38

I met people for the first time on my wedding day - friends if DH, my cousin's girlfriend (now wife).

Unbelievably rude to only invite one half of a couple, especially a married couple.

YANBU.

Thetokengirl · 03/02/2012 18:40

I've had cousin's weddings where I wasn't invited ( and I didn't invite them to mine).. That's absolutely fine. However, only inviting half a married couple is very odd! Say thanks but no thanks. I wouldn't get too upset though, as I don't think it'll be the social event of the year

TidyDancer · 03/02/2012 18:42

I think YABU, but I do understand why it bothers you. The thing is though, when money is tight, I believe the overriding concern should be having people there that you know and love. Having someone there that the couple have barely met simply by virtue of their marriage to someone within the family could be denying a place to someone who is closer to the couple.

That said, I wouldn't be happy about it in your shoes, and I would probably politely explain so on the RSVP.

Original poster

SooticaTheWitchesCat · 03/02/2012 18:43

The invite was from my cousin's girlfriends parent, neither myslef or my parenst ahve met them and we have only met the girlfriend once at a barbeque.

My cousin does know my husband but we don't see them very often.

I invited all my cousins and their partners to my wedding, although they didn't come as we married abroad. My cousin who is getting married wasn't with his girlfriend back then.

My uncle and aunt know my husband well.

My mum has said she is going to phone her brother as she thinks it is well off too. I am not going to go to the wedding now anyway, it jsut seems too much hassle, which I can do without to be honest.

OP posts:

SauvignonBlanche · 03/02/2012 18:46

YANBU, very off.

GrahamTribe · 03/02/2012 18:49

Why the fuss? You have been invited to your cousin's wedding. And? Or are you and your husband joined at the hip?

Go on, go, be a little unconventional. Heaven knows, you might even discover that you enjoy yourself.

grumpypants · 03/02/2012 18:52

God how precious you are being. Really? You are joined at the hip? Its an offer - do u want to come to my wedding? Say no. Don't moan about a couple you barely know who have included you with your parents. Nobody is going to make you go - I'm sure you and your dh will value everry second of the time you would have been apart for.

slowginny · 03/02/2012 18:52

YANBU but it's a wedding, a time for celebration, please don't spoil it for her by kicking off. Just ask her what the deal is. Maybe she figured that hubbie would be looking after the kids?

grumpypants · 03/02/2012 18:52

Ha ha cross post!

Xmasbaby11 · 03/02/2012 18:54

Don't go! It's rude to not invite partners.

delurked · 03/02/2012 18:57

I might find it a little strange to be included on my parents' invitation, but in the situation you have described I don't think I would be offended if I was invited and my DH wasn't. I have been invited to weddings without my DH and vice-versa - always where one of us knows one or both of the couple well and the other doesn't (e.g. old uni friends who now live at the opposite end of the country). If you look at it from the couple's point of view, if they are limited for numbers then inviting your DH may well mean that someone who is closer to them would not be able to come.

It would have been nice of them to maybe call and explain why they couldn't invite your DH, but I think YABU to expect him to automatically receive an invite.

As the invitation was addressed to your parents then if you do not wish to attend YWNBU to ask them to decline politely on your behalf.

Original poster

SooticaTheWitchesCat · 03/02/2012 18:58

No, we are not joined at the hip in fact we very rarely go out anywhere on our won as my husband works every weekend so it would have been nice for us to go to the wedding together.

And I don't barely know them, I have only met his girlfriend once but I have grown up with my cousin, we just don't live near anymore.

I certainly wont be "kicking off" either, I just shan't go.

OP posts:

RuleBritannia · 03/02/2012 18:58

Xmasbaby11

Yes, it's unmannerly not to invite partners/husbands/wives. My DH and I were invited to his DN's wedding and accepted. My BiL didn't want me there so withdrew my invitation. My DH had a difficult decision to make ......... so he didn't go.

GrahamTribe · 03/02/2012 18:58

What's so rude about it Xmasbaby11? Sure, it goes against etiquette standards but I don't see it as rude. Telling the OP that she is not attractive enough to be in the wedding photos would be rude but inviting just her and not her husband is merely unconventional.

ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged · 03/02/2012 18:59

YANBU, however if you asked my DP he would think you were mad and say YABU. We sat down to do our guest list the other night & he was genuinely shocked when I started adding our cousins' partners.

MarquiseOfMelburnia · 03/02/2012 19:01

Hmmm, I don't think I would make a phone call to "query" a wedding invitation - that may be ruder imo and what's it really going to solve?

It's obviously been sent that way for a reason. Either go along, bite your tongue and try and enjoy the day or make an excuse and don't go.

YANBU for thinking it unusual but YABU to waste energy getting het up about it.

LoveInAColdClimate · 03/02/2012 19:01

You just can't not invite guests' partners, especially not married guests. And really, really weird to put an adult on their parents' invitation.

mrsravelstein · 03/02/2012 19:03

YANBU, it's totally weird and i've never heard anything like it even with my extremely weird family and some fairly weird friends. i would assume that the cousin just doesn't want you to go, or why wouldn't you get a separate invite, in which case just rsvp saying sorry can't make it. but then again, i don't go to weddings where i only get an evening invite as i think that's a bizarre thing to do as well.

MosEisley · 03/02/2012 19:04

Actually I think that the problem here is the way that the invitation was given. If they had sent a separate invitation to you (alone) at your house, and handwritten a note saying 'we're very sorry but due to limited numbers we can't invite DH, but we would love you to be there', it would be more understandable.

GrahamTribe · 03/02/2012 19:04

You can, LoveInAColdClimate. I did. I can't abide the husband of one close friend so I just didn't invite him. Why on earth should I have someone I can't tolerate there on my "big day"? Though I agree that it's weird to put an adult upon their parents' invitation.

LoveInAColdClimate · 03/02/2012 19:06

Wow, Graham, I actually quite admire you for having the nerve to do that! I cannot stand the husband of one of my friends, and he was just as much of a PITA on the day as I expected, but I could never have not invited him as it would have caused such an awful rift. Did your friend attend/ever speak to you again?

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