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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that I don't have a problem with authority, I just think that all adults are basically equal.

79 replies

thementalist · 02/02/2012 19:37

It has been suggested that I have an issue with authority, so was just wanting to gauge opinions.

I feel that as an adult, I am equal to other adults, I know that some people have better jobs than me, get paid more than me, or vice verse, but fundamentally we are all just adults at the end of the day.

Recently at a meeting at DD's school with the head teacher and assistant head, I (politely) corrected something the head teacher said, and she said that she hoped my dd didn't have the same issues with authority as I did...

Also I took part in some research a few years ago and I was asked to take part in a follow up study as they had "never met anyone so off the scale", it was kind of centred around authority too.

I'm quite a pleasant person, I take instructions from my director, but would question him if I felt something was wrong etc. Is this normal? Am I a crazed deviant? Do i maybe not get the concept of authority, or authority figures??

OP posts:
Acinonyx · 02/02/2012 19:40

I'm not good with authority myself. But you must spill on the example with the Head Teacher in order to judge your deviancy properly.... go on...Smile

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/02/2012 19:41

Depends what you mean by 'wrong'. If you are correcting their grammar YABU, if it is an important point about work, your child or similar YANBU. However, don't move to Canada. I did and I know have an issue with authority. No one speaks their mind. If you do, you are unpleasant. Cue me being constantly unpleasant.

southeastastra · 02/02/2012 19:43

i'd feel really patrionised if someone said that to me! though i also wonder what you said

larks35 · 02/02/2012 19:44

From what you say in your OP YANBU, would be interested to know in what way you corrected the HT at your DD's school though as that might give a little more insight. I'm a teacher in a Secondary school and whilst having my authority undermined by precocious brats intellegent young students is annoying and can disrupt my lessons, I often find myself admiring their balls self-confidence (I never let that be known though).

pranma · 02/02/2012 19:46

Although all people are fundamentally equal you have to accept that in some areas some are better informed etc.As an example,if your doctor suggested you take x,y or z you wouldn't say actually you should have prescribed a,b or c.If there was an emergency and someone was 'in authority' co ordinating a rescue or evacuation and you argued that there was a better way then you could theoretically increase the problems for everyone.If you were observing an operation and told the surgeon he was doing it wrong,or you insisted on talking when you had been asked to be quiet then you would be in the wrong.If you correct the head teacher in her school it had better be justified and not petty.YABU I think.

Earlybird · 02/02/2012 19:47

Seems a very random thing to be accused of (or accuse yourself of). Is it possible that you simply don't treat people with respect?

Annpan88 · 02/02/2012 19:47

YANBU. And the head teacher has no authority over you and I would be annoyed at her suggesting she did.

RevoltingPeasant · 02/02/2012 19:48

I think I have a problem with authority too, but then my parents raised me that way Grin

It really depends. I think I am the intellectual equal of most people I meet, but there's a time and a place and also, you know, social skills.

Gwan, what was the example?

snowmummy · 02/02/2012 19:54

I'm also interested to know how the exchange with the HT went. Can't really comment otherwise.

Quenelle · 02/02/2012 19:56

I'm quite a meek person but I can't see that you have a problem with authority from the examples you have given.

Your DD's head teacher has no authority over you. She had a bloody cheek saying that. You have an equal partnership with the school.

And you should politely question your Director if you think they are wrong and you take your job seriously.

Seriously, I can't get over what the HT said. Sounds like SHE has a problem with her authority being questioned.

Quenelle · 02/02/2012 19:56

I'm quite a meek person but I can't see that you have a problem with authority from the examples you have given.

Your DD's head teacher has no authority over you. She had a bloody cheek saying that. You have an equal partnership with the school.

And you should politely question your Director if you think they are wrong and you take your job seriously.

Seriously, I can't get over what the HT said. Sounds like SHE has a problem with her authority being questioned.

TheresASpareChairOverThere · 02/02/2012 19:59

It sounds to me like the head has a problem with an authority complex! I also have been described as having a problem with authority. I do. I have a problem with people who think because they have x job title or y income or z background then I should give a toss about it.

I care about people's achievements and how they treat me and I respect people who earn my respect.

When I was at school I told one of my teachers I would call him sir once he had been knighted. He never asked me to call him that again, he settled for plain old Mr. Thingy. Ha!

Auntiestablishment · 02/02/2012 20:01

I think some people expect that if A gives an instruction to jump and A is senior to them, the correct response is "how high?".
People like me want to know why A is asking them to jump, will not tolerate a "because I say so" type of response, but if there is a good reason for the jumping will exert themselves to jump as high as they can. We will not jump if there is not a good reason to.

This is normal to me but quite uncommon. It's a personality thing I think.

If more people questioned stupid instructions from the people above then the world would be a better place IMHO.

PomBearAtTheGatesOfDoom · 02/02/2012 20:03

It's not so much that you are being unreasonable, it's that we live in a society, and have to get along with each other/follow certain day to day protocols to allow us to co-exist more or less peacefully. The extreme end of all of us are equal adults so I don't owe anyone any automatic respect/deference/anything at all is anarchy - why should someone do what a police officer tells them? Why should I not tell the person in front of me in the queue to get the fuck out of my way? Why should I not tell the teacher to leave my baby the fuck alone it's not his fault he told her to piss off and didn't do his homework that's how I raise him and what the fuck does she think she's going to do about it? If everyone in the world was a good and decent person with innate manners and a sense of justice and fair play, then we could all be equal and it would be lovely, but we aren't.
Not that you should be a doormat, but politeness, manners, and a certain amount of respect for a persons position are necessary to allow society to function. The Head Teacher didn't just arrive first in the office and bag the big chair this morning, she worked and trained and is qualified to be there and well, you aren't. You could be an emeritus professor and a Nobel Laureate and a millionnaire who won an Oscar this year and you would still owe her the respect due her position as Head.
I'd have laughed inside and made a mental note that the HT got something wrong, but wouldn't have pointed it out to her, just come home and wittered on to DH about it.
There's also the fact that you are now "that parent" and your child the child of "that mother" and is, no matter how unfairly, marked for their entire career in that school, and if you think that means nothing or won't matter, then you are fooling yourself. Even for teeny little things like who plays who in the Nativity or who sings the solo in the choir, or who gets the best reports when the files go out to the senior schools, it matters. This is the real world, not some ideal utopia where all people are equal and none are more equal than others.

Susiewho · 02/02/2012 20:03

Why does the Head suggest she is an authority over you? Did you correct her on a professional point?

hiddenhome · 02/02/2012 20:04

I have a huge issue with authority and people are sometimes a bit taken aback by my forthrightness.

I agree that all humans are equal and nobody has the automatic right to exert their will onto someone else - unless it's a parent/child relationship or in the armed forces Smile

neuroticmumof3 · 02/02/2012 20:04

Please tell us what you corrected HT over? My curiosity is well and truly piqued. I think YANBU but it's hard to guage atm.

BeeWi · 02/02/2012 20:05

Depends what the correction you made was. Expand?

Original poster
thementalist · 02/02/2012 20:06

With the head teacher it was in regards to an issue dd was having at school and she said something that was incorrect in the sequence of events and i corrected her, I was polite, but when she replied back, I did ask her to point out who was in authority to me in the room as I only saw other equal adults, which was maybe a bit arsey, but i thought her comment was too. Later on in the conversation she blamed the problem on dd coming from a "broken home" so I think she was then just trying to get her own back! Grin

I would never correct someone on their grammar, or anything like that, and i honestly do have respect for people, i just really see everyone as equal. Although I take pranma's example, I wouldn't ever do anything like that, and understand that some people have specialist skills or whatever that I don't have and will be more knowledgeable in some areas than me.

It's not really something I dwell on, just I was speaking to the head teacher again today and it reminded me.

OP posts:
TheresASpareChairOverThere · 02/02/2012 20:07

If more people questioned stupid instructions from the people above then the world would be a better place IMHO

Agree wholeheartedly with this. I hate people who go along with everything for an easy ride. I go along with loads of things because it is the right thing to do, it is what needs to be done, but sometimes, sometimes, I stick my neck out.

MitchieInge · 02/02/2012 20:09

that is bizarre, the head thinking she has authority over parents

just, really weird?

TheresASpareChairOverThere · 02/02/2012 20:10

I expect lots of them think it but they are too astute to say it!

Busyoldfool · 02/02/2012 20:11

I have been told that as well - a long time ago though now - I have found a way of avoiding those situations.

I agree though that nothing works if everyone thinks that they have equal rights / power/authority in every situation. (I used to work for an airline!). And agree with There's a Spare Chair about earning respect.

Authority cannot be assumed, it has to be allowed. I give the teacher authority over my DCs while they are school and the doctor authority over my treatment. I can withdraw that permission but in some cases that also means withdrawing from the situation.

(I do agree we are all equal as adults though and I would respect everyone and expect to be respected). The head teacher has to have authority in her school otherwise it would impossible to run, but not authority over you or your child outside school. What was the issue?

Busyoldfool · 02/02/2012 20:12

Sorry - X-Posts -

LeQueen · 02/02/2012 20:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.