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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that I don't have a problem with authority, I just think that all adults are basically equal.

79 replies

thementalist · 02/02/2012 19:37

It has been suggested that I have an issue with authority, so was just wanting to gauge opinions.

I feel that as an adult, I am equal to other adults, I know that some people have better jobs than me, get paid more than me, or vice verse, but fundamentally we are all just adults at the end of the day.

Recently at a meeting at DD's school with the head teacher and assistant head, I (politely) corrected something the head teacher said, and she said that she hoped my dd didn't have the same issues with authority as I did...

Also I took part in some research a few years ago and I was asked to take part in a follow up study as they had "never met anyone so off the scale", it was kind of centred around authority too.

I'm quite a pleasant person, I take instructions from my director, but would question him if I felt something was wrong etc. Is this normal? Am I a crazed deviant? Do i maybe not get the concept of authority, or authority figures??

OP posts:
beachyhead · 02/02/2012 20:14

Also, I think it is reasonable to recognise that some institutions are more hung up on authority and position than others. I come from a financial services background where people are respected for their skill and experience. I went to talk to a headhunter about working as a bursar in a school. I was told quite clearly by the headhunter that 'Beachy, you can never work in Education, because what you don't understand is that when the Head says they are right, they just are'....it's just the way it works and its not the way I work... It's fine, I try my best to bite my tongue at parents evening Smile

Original poster
thementalist · 02/02/2012 20:16

Crossed with lots of posts. I think a few of you are of a similar way of thinking as me, particularly with the jump/how high example.

While I don't claim to know how to run a school, or be a head teacher I still feel that this doesn't mean I have to pretend i don't hear inaccuracies in regards to DD. Similarly, I don't think I could be the director of my department (yet Wink) i also think I can question etc. Luckily (?) i have a great boss, who seems to think I am a good employee, so it all works out well!

OP posts:
BackforGood · 02/02/2012 20:17

As someone said further up, it's about social skills, or the 'manner' in which you do things. Obviously, if it was relevant to whatever it was you were discussing, then it is only right and proper that the facts are correct, but there are ways and then there are other ways of saying things, and that's key to this. Obviously I have no idea if you have issues with authority or not, but the fact it seems to come up in your life in a few examples, might begin to suggest an element of truth ... ?

GrahamTribe · 02/02/2012 20:17

The head said what? Shock Damn right you have a problem.

Her!

There's nothing wrong with your attitude to authority AFAIAC, it's just that your daughter's unfortunate enough to have an asswipe for a headmistress.

BackforGood · 02/02/2012 20:18

This thread is moving fast - I started to post many posts ago - will go back and read now.

DamselInDisarray · 02/02/2012 20:19

I really don't agree that the HT has 'authority' over parents in the school. S/he may have authority over the pupils in the school, but that doesn't extend to their parents. Good practice says that (head)teachers should see themselves as working in partnership with parents and families; they're not in charge of them. Similarly, I don't see my doctor as having authority over me. I view them as providing a particular kind of expert advice that I can use to make decisions about my life.

Original poster
thementalist · 02/02/2012 20:22

Apart from that one situation with the head I have never felt the need to tell anyone else that I think I am an equal to them, I'm not a weirdo that goes around saying it to everyone I meet! Grin

I also understand that in some situations there has to be some degree of authority or similar, or else chaos and anarchy would break out.

It just got me thinking really.

OP posts:
Besom · 02/02/2012 20:22

Because you sound quite calm about being spoken to like that suggests to me that you do not have an issue with her "authority" at all, and that you see the fact that she is a patronising cowbag as her problem.

snowmummy · 02/02/2012 20:24

If you have a problem with authority OP then so do I. Having said that, my DH often says I don't like being told what to do and he's probably right about that. If that's a problem with authority then so be it.

TheresASpareChairOverThere · 02/02/2012 20:25

Agree about ways to do it, as a teen I was very confrontational. Now I am less blunt/bolshy. But that doesn't mean I don't state my views, I just choose what really matters and I don't verbally jump on people.

I am trying to teach my kids to think for themselves and question adults. That can be done politely or impolitely I think, but questioning is not in itself rude.

potoftea · 02/02/2012 20:25

I think all adults are equal to me in their private lives, but when in a job, I feel some of them do have "authority" over me. Whether it's the law enforcers, or a boss, or even someone who has a role that is above me in a given situation. Even on something as simple as a voluntary committee, I would think the chairperson has authority over me during the meeting, but not once it's over.

And yes I would feel the head teacher has more authority than me in the school, and then I outrank her in my home, if she comes here. By that I mean in her role as head, but if I met her outside of school, we are equal.
But I haven't met a head teacher who would be as rude as the one you had to deal with, thankfully.

ShesAStar · 02/02/2012 20:25

Surely she doesn't think she has authority over you? She has authority over the children, not the parents.

I agree entirely with you, we are all adults, we are all equal.

DamselInDisarray · 02/02/2012 20:26

Beachy: you don't have to bite your tongue at parents' evening. Attending a meeting about your child (where you are attending to provide your expertise as the child's parent) is in no way the same as working in a school. You don't have to defer to whatever the (H)T says, especially not when they are just wrong. The point is to work together to produce the best outcome for the child. Sometimes that means that you have to challenge them.

Of course, many head teachers (and teachers for that matter) really don't like this. That is their problem and they need to get over it.

OP: I'd've pulled her up on the judgemental (and unhelpful) 'broken home' comment too. She's bound by basic social rules to treat you with courtesy.

5inthebed · 02/02/2012 20:29

YANBU

When I first started my old job some years ago, during my first monthly meeting my team leader told me that I was far too "equal" with management and should stop treating them as my "equal" an start treating them as someone who is above me Hmm. This was all probably because I actually said good morning to them, rather than scurry off in their shadows.

ChasTittyBeltUp · 02/02/2012 20:29

I have been told the same OP. I think though that it is about respect. I see myself as my DDs Head's equal BUT I respect her knowledge and the fact that she runs a big school.

I don't...and she's clever...kind...and older than me...so there's every chance that she SHOULD have bit more authority than me.

mrsjay · 02/02/2012 20:32

Oh are you related to my husband {grin][ he doesnt do authority and will challenge managers at work he can go ott sometimes , yes all adults are equal but imo not all positions are equal and its a matter of respect not meaning that i roll over but i do consider somebody who may have a bit of authority over me , my boss seniors etc , I think maybe the headteacher was taken aback she is expected to be respected iyswim,

Spero · 02/02/2012 20:36

If you mean that all adults (and children presumably) deserve equal amounts of respect in day to day interactions, I completely agree. But otherwise we are NOT all equal. A head Teacher is likey to know more about running a school than you. I wouldn't start arguing with a fireman or a paramedic about best way to rescue someone from a fire or a crashed car.

People generally find it quite hard to be challenged and I bet you sound a lot more bolshy to them than you think.

Sometimes it is good, even necessary to challenge people but we are clearly not all equally knowledgeable and experienced in everything.

DamselInDisarray · 02/02/2012 20:36

I wouldn't respect a HT who make snidely remarks about my marital status. As the police billboards round here says: 'respect: it's a two-way street'.

Original poster
thementalist · 02/02/2012 20:43

Snowmummy my DP also thinks i don't like being told what to do, and that I'm a bit stubborn, but I'm not sure that's connected! Wink

5 in the bed, that's shocking, why would you not say good morning!?

I was very taken aback at the "broken home" comment as up until I mentioned xp and I weren't together she had no idea as we had attended all meetings/parents night/concerts everything together, so I did feel it was just said out of spite.

Very true about teachers working in partnership with parents. Authority over the children, but not the parents.

OP posts:
Original poster
thementalist · 02/02/2012 20:46

i wouldn't ever dream of telling anyone how to do their job, just the same way i would be a bit Hmm if someone tried to tell me how to do mine. But is that not more to do with people having different skill sets, knowledge and experience in certain areas, rather than authority?

OP posts:
PeppaIsBack · 02/02/2012 21:03

Humm, I think that when it comes to HT, there are times when it is necessary to 'correct' them and stand up up to them because what they say isn't always right or acceptable.
However, my experience is that they might like it. Perhaps because they very much used to be in autority of either the pupils or the teachers.

Having being in a similar place, I have corrected the HT too and it did end up as a verbal 'fight' as her way to defend herself was to attack and be aggressive. And I would do it again. Nothing to do with not respecting autority.

TimeWasting · 02/02/2012 21:05

Pranma, I've had to correct doctors on several occasions. I try not to look like I'm correcting them though, but on at least 3 occasions I've had the wrong or inadequate medicine prescribed and had to ask for something else. They are well-trained, intelligent adults, and are human and fallible.

mrsjay · 02/02/2012 21:06

thementalist my husband winds people up and he isnt a nasty person he just challenges things and some people dont like that , His mother was all for people knowing their place and I think he rebelled , you know its maybe just in your personallity . do you challenge people a lot ?

fascicle · 02/02/2012 21:13

I agree with you mentalist, and think there's nothing wrong in what you did. The head teacher's comments sound very inappropriate. I had similar thoughts about authority this week, after encountering a district judge at a small claims hearing. I certainly couldn't entertain addressing him as 'sir' (the correct form of address, apparently). His manner was utterly supercilious, and it was a great effort not to give him a piece of my mind about his cocksuckingly disdainful attitude. I let my inner voice out afterwards instead.

Auntiestablishment · 02/02/2012 21:24

I got introduced to Myers Briggs a couple of years ago.
INTJ may ring some bells, mentalist - it certainly made a lot of sense to me.