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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have told DD2 to tell her friend what she has done and apologise.

27 replies

MrsSchadenfreude · 02/02/2012 07:18

DD2 had a huge falling out with her friend yesterday, so she came home and reported her as being underage for an art website they both use. This backfired on her a bit, as the web moderator said that they had had a look at both DD's and her friend's posts and as they were both clearly classmates, they were banning them both. The mod said that if they were both over 13, all they needed to do was email proof in the form of a copy of a passport or birth certificate and they would get their accounts back. He also banned DD1 (who is over 13) as her and DD2's email accounts are linked.

I've told DD2 that I am appalled and disappointed in her behaviour, and that she has to tell her friend what she has done. I know her friend is going to be really upset as she loved this site and used it more than DD2. DD2 has been crying, saying she didn't know why she did it, and that her friend is going to hate her. I have said that she needs to learn to live with the consequences of her actions, especially if she does something as nasty and vindictive as this. DD2's friend was on the website with the permission of her parents, who monitored her use of the site (as did I with DD2). Both girls are 10/11 and in final year of primary. The situation is complicated slightly, in that DD2's friend was a "paid up" member of the site, and her parents will now have forfeited this month's subscription. DD2 is a "free" user, so doesn't have the extra points and benefits that being a paid member brings.

DD2 has gone to school in tears, and I think is genuinely sorry, but I think she needs to apologise in person to her friend.

OP posts:
CuntWorm · 02/02/2012 07:20

As they are at secondary school are they not old enough to sort it themselves?

Original poster
MrsSchadenfreude · 02/02/2012 07:22

They're at primary...

OP posts:
quirrelquarrel · 02/02/2012 07:25

Of course YANBU- it would have to happen in any case, since the friend will find out- what would she do, just sympathise and not own up/apologise?

It's a real pity. Maybe your DD could offer to refund the parents for the rest of the subscription?

ObiWan · 02/02/2012 07:29

I think you've done the right thing.

Your daughter would tie herself in knots if she tried to provide any other explanation for both girls having been banned from the site.

Learning the consequences of such spiteful behaviour now will hopefully keep her from repeating the performance when she gets to secondary school, where falling outs and friendships become more intense.

Her friends parents might appreciate you speaking to them though, if you know them well enough. The site meant enough to them that they were willing to pay for a subscription.

Original poster
MrsSchadenfreude · 02/02/2012 07:32

Yes, I was going to email the Mum.
She's not usually like this - I don't know what came over her.

OP posts:
ObiWan · 02/02/2012 07:41

The last year of primary school is full of wierd stresses and changing dynamics.

Better to make a mistake like this now, than during year 7 in a new school where people would remember it for ages Grin

cheekyseamonkey · 02/02/2012 07:49

YANBU but agree with your view that you need to intervene a bit too. I'd also make DD2 pay the forfeited fees. Although it would be interesting to know what their falling out was about & who started that..getting sidetracked, sorry, clearly a little vindictive myself!

I think your approach is very sensible & a lesson she'll learn.

JustHecate · 02/02/2012 07:52

So her mum paid for her to be a member of a site that she was not actually supposed to be a member of?

Is she going to expect you/your daughter to refund this money?

But yes, it is a very important lesson you are teaching your daughter and one that, while painful now, has the potential to be one of those Made Me A Better Person moments. iyswim.

She did something really really spiteful - and now she is going to have to deal with the consequences. That is SUCH a better thing that trying to wriggle her out of it.

She's far less likely to be so spiteful again than someone whose parents covered for her in order to spare her the consequences of her actions!

IUseTooMuchKitchenRoll · 02/02/2012 07:52

If your dd was in year 7, I would tell you to not make her tell. Primary might be a bit different as there can be more parent and teacher involvement. Young girls can be horrible to each other, and this is the sort of thing that could follow her Round for a long time. I think you need to think carefully about making her tell. I know you are right that she should tell, morally of course it would be the right thing to do. But the consequences may not be in proportion to the mistake. It could well lead to your dd being victimised and even bullied if the other girl tells other people and gets them on side and feeling sorry for her. Only you will know how the other girl is likely to react so you are best placed to make the descison, but I would be reluctant to rely on the the fact that your dd owned up will get her any credit here. They are not adults that will admire the courage it took, they are pre teen girls

Your dd clearly regrets what she has done. I would want to make sure she is not punished unnecessarily.

ithaka · 02/02/2012 08:03

I completely disagree with Kitchenroll. I would make her do the correct and moral thing - it will stand her in better stead than being told she doesn't have to do the right thing in case of negative consequences - that is completely the wrong message and encourages cowardly sneakiness.

If there is subsequent bullying (and this is an 'if' at this stage, it may not happen) then that can be dealt with and addressed with your support.

squeakytoy · 02/02/2012 08:40

This sort of thing highlights part of the reasons why children should not be allowed so much freedom on the internet.

aldiwhore · 02/02/2012 09:09

I think she should pay the month's subscription too... she needs a hug too, but only once she's done the right thing.

I'm not sure she should do it in school, and maybe both girls would benefit from having a parent present to calm the conversation on both sides. It could turn into a slanging match without someone to keep boundaries in place.

specialgun · 02/02/2012 09:12

I agree with squeakytoy. I shows to me that your DD is not mature enough to go on this website and perhaps you should not have allowed it in the first place.

Amaretti · 02/02/2012 09:24

I disagree with kitchenroll too.

She needs to do the right thing, as the OP as told her to do. She needs to pay the lost month's subscription too. Presumably the classmates' parents will open a new account in one of their own names for their DD to use. When she has apologised, of course she then needs a hug and to be reassured that everyone does the wrong thing sometimes and what matters is what we do about it to try to make up for it - trying to sweep things under the carpet is weak and dishonourable.

albertswearingen · 02/02/2012 09:26

You're right she needs to face up to the consequences of her actions and she will feel better than trying to hide the whole thing from her friend. I agree with aldiwhore that it's better to do it outside of school hours. I think you need to tell this girls's parents and explain what happened and offer to refund the subscription cost. Then you need to take your dd round to apologise to her friend. Hopefully the amount of tears will smooth out the falling out. Maybe she could buy her friend a small present to make it better- if she can afford it.

Amaretti · 02/02/2012 09:28

I had a chat with my kids a weak or so ago along this lines actually, about the captain who sank his ship (the Concordia something) by going too close to shore. Fewer people would have died if he had sounded the alert immediately rather than waiting forty minutes and then saying "No no it's all fine" when the coastguard rang him to check.

Amaretti · 02/02/2012 09:32

weak week wtf??

PopcornBiscuit · 02/02/2012 09:35

You could phone up the moderator of the website, apologise and explain what has happened.

IUseTooMuchKitchenRoll · 02/02/2012 10:33

I knew people would disagree with me on this, and I'm not saying she definatly shouldn't tell. I'm just saying that it might not be in the OPs dd's best interests to tell if the group of girls she is friends with if they are likely to handle it badly. I have vivid memories of things simelar to this happening when i was at school, and it really would be social suicide.

Of course it would be best for the dd to tell in an ideal world. She would then face the appropriate consequences and would be forgiven then it could be forgotten. But that won't always happen. I wouldn't want the dd to feel guilty and have to keep a secret either, but I am sure that if someone did this at my (particularly bitchy all girls) school, they would be isolated for at least the next month.

OP needs to think about what sort of family she is dealing with here. Are they likely to encourage their dd to be forgiving and help her to see that OPs dd did a brave thing by telling, or are they likely to tell their daughter how out of order her friend was for 'grassing'? Are they likely to accept that they took a risk by paying for their dd to have an account on a site that she is not old enough for, or are they likely to accept no responsibility at all and show how annoyed they are that their money was wasted?

Doing the right thing can be very hard sometimes, and justice can be very unfair.

MeltedChocolate · 02/02/2012 10:52

Wow, good on you for having the guts to enforce this and your DD if she goes through with it. It will do her good in the long run but she may be up for a bit of slagging and picking on atm

YANBU

olgaga · 02/02/2012 12:11

I agree with squeaky DD is 10, in year 6, and apparently half her class are on FB and elsewhere. Kids are going on "dates" (which to be fair, seems to involve meeting at the local newsagent and buying sweets!) but then they'll dump each other in the playground, soap opera tears and tantrums follow - it's completely absurd.

Then they all go home and continue the tears, tantrums and OMGs in the evening online. DD has been told she "obviously doesn't have much of a life if she's not on FB". I'm mightily relieved that what she's seen and heard so far has put her right off any involvement.

I just can't understand why the parents allow it.

The art website sounds fairly innocuous but tbh any site which allows kids to "socialise" online outside school hours gives unnecessary scope for disagreement and trouble.

Original poster
MrsSchadenfreude · 02/02/2012 18:20

Thanks everyone - just a quick update. It ended well. Smile DD2 went into school and told her friend what she had done, and cried. She said her friend gave her a hug and said it didn't matter - they were still friends. She also said that her parents had cancelled her subscription to the art website last month as they thought she was spending too much time on it (phew!).

She said to me when she came in tonight that it was a really horrible thing to do, and she wouldn't do it again. We had a bit of a chat about not doing things hastily when someone upsets you, as they can backfire on you. I'm sure she has learned her lesson now.

FWIW, I don't think she has too much internet freedom. She doesn't have FB, and I monitor her web used quite closely, although obviously I can't be there all the time. It was only her and this one friend who used this art website - no-one else from her school, apart from DD1 - guess I have to email the website now and sort out her account!

OP posts:
Amaretti · 02/02/2012 19:05

Aw - that ended as well as it could have one, didn't it. I think your DD will be stronger and more self aware because of it, which will stand her in such good stead for secondary school.

Busyoldfool · 02/02/2012 20:37

Well done - a tricky situation and good to know that foing the right thing worked out.

Busyoldfool · 02/02/2012 20:37

oops foing doing