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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to protect your property from other people's kids?

85 replies

crummymummee · 01/02/2012 21:30

I moved my buggy on the bus today so that another lady could put hers on the bus too. No thanks for that... hey ho. Her son got on as well (3ish?) and started to remove dd's favourite book from the back of buggy. Well, this is London and he was a little kid - I didn't know whether he might walk off with it - he might not even realise you don't do that. I didn't react but I did look a little alarmed, I admit - however, he saw me and just put it back (phew I thought, argument averted).
WELL! The comments between this mum and her friend! My daughter was WAY worse than her son - in fact she was touching their buggy, shock horror. AND she was probably 'diseased'. (Does anyone actually use the word 'diseased' anymore???) So eventually I asked if there was a problem - mostly because my daughter is starting to understand things and I didn't want her to think the kind of behaviour this mum was exhibiting was acceptable. We had a real corker of a row, ending with her telling me in very pious tones that I should never think my child was any better than anyone else's. (I certainly hadn't suggested any such thing).
Now, AIBU but I think I would have been well within my rights not just to have looked a little alarmed at her son's behaviour but actually to ask him to put the book back. In fact I think it would have been ok to add that you don't take other people's stuff without asking. And btw, that would in no way have suggested anything about where I ranked him next to my daughter in terms of who was 'better' (whatever that means?) Geeezzzz... is this the kind of rubbish I have to look forward to from other parents when she starts school?

OP posts:
OriginalJamie · 02/02/2012 18:20

It matters because such an OTT response may stem from racist views.

OP - I'm confused - what did your daughter do

FWIW - I would hope for thanks. I can see why you mention it. Retrospectively you see it as a sign of rudeness. However, not sure I'd show any reaction at all to a 3 year old taking a book, other than to get it back, gently at the end of the journey.

OldBagWantsNewBag · 02/02/2012 18:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WorraLiberty · 02/02/2012 19:09

Exactly!

No-one has mentioned the colour of anyone in this.

The OP says she comes from a 'very mixed background' and she hasn't mentioned anything about the race or colour of the woman she argued with.

Therefore, I have no idea why PushyDad should be accusing Birds of having a racist mind? Confused

And as for I don't doubt that if I was a young good looking white guy I would have probably got a giggle out of her. She would have probably texted her GF to tell her about this cute guy that almost bumped into her

What a load of bollocks PushyDad

Do you seriously think young girls don't fancy young good looking black guys?

Really?? Hmm

OriginalJamie · 02/02/2012 20:59

OldBag - the question was asked of the OP because it occurred to several of us, black and white, that that sort of extreme statement, about disease, is the sort of thing that a prejudiced person might say of another race.

The OP didn't give a very clear answer. Maybe she doesn't think it was relavant. I don't know. The OP isn't very clear.

I don't know why you'd dismiss it as a possibility. The only other reason I can think of for someone to say something so over the top is if the person saying it is metally ill.

OriginalJamie · 02/02/2012 21:00

mentally ill.

Busyoldfool · 02/02/2012 21:00

The racism thing is disturbing. pushy dad mentions his own colour and assumes the colour of others and accuses them of racism.

We don't know what colour/ race anyone was. We don't know what colour the posters are on here so it's utterly irrelevent! So the girl was racist because she didn't fancy you? That's sexist. You are assuming she was hetrosexual. That's not pc either. You were assuming that she couldn't possibly have been distracted or slightly alrmed by the police siren that distracted, (and therefore excused, you). If she'd been the same colour as you and not smiled/ giggled what possible reason could she have had?? ( Since there were no other possible reasons for the white girl doing it except racism!). You don't do any of us any favours whatever our colour.

OriginalJamie · 02/02/2012 21:03

Just because we don't know it doesn't make it irrelevant. Again, I don't know why you'd dismiss other peoples' eexperience of racism (in both differections) and assume it isn't anything to do with it.

OriginalJamie · 02/02/2012 21:04

terrible typing!

arghmyear · 02/02/2012 21:07

Nobody should allow their child to touch things belonging to a stranger. If your child does this, you tell them not to and you apologise.

OldBagWantsNewBag · 02/02/2012 21:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bejeezus · 02/02/2012 22:33

I am afraid that racism is a common explanation for;

a) people not thinking that any common courtesy was necessary
b) being repulsively insulting to/about children

WorraLiberty · 02/02/2012 22:40

Actually the 'diseased' insult is a very common one used normally by teenagers around here (London)

bejeezus · 02/02/2012 22:46

her comment about my child being diseased was followed up by "Yes, they carry diseases you know"

Who do you think the women meant by they?

Busyoldfool · 02/02/2012 23:48

Jamie, I am not dismissing others' experience of racism.

I am not assuming that racism had nothing to do with it. Neither am I assuming that class or age, ( old mum v teen mum??), or sexual orientation or prejudice against someone with eczema/ impetigo/ psoriasis /alopecia, or any other sort of prejudice had nothing to do with it. That is the point. We can turn it into a race war or a class war or any other war if we like, (and you are right these things do exist). But why try to see it and stir it up everywhere?

Do we really want our kids to see racism in every unpleasant comment? Or be accused of racism every time they don't fancy a bloke or give a "look" at someone on a bus?

Would it be racist if the woman who got on to the bus was black and the woman on the bus was white, (or the other way round)? Or if the woman on the bus was Chinese and the one getting on was Polish? Or they were both black,? Or both white? Or one was a white mother with a mixed race child and the other.....we could go on and on. Who is being racist here?

rinabean · 03/02/2012 02:59

Yeah everyone, if you ignore racism it goes away. OP if you hadn't got into an argument with some awful people on the bus, they wouldn't have traveled back in time to call your child diseased, refuse to discipline their child, and treat you with a total lack of courtesy. How could you be so foolish??

"Diseased" isn't a thing I've heard, is it a London thing? It's despicable, anyway. It's funny ("funny") how everyone intuitively realised that there was more to the story (and in typical AIBU style decided it was that the OP was a closet bitch), and when it's revealed that race was the missing piece to the puzzle everyone gets defensive. These people called a mixed-race child "diseased", how can you defend that and in the same damn breath say race isn't an issue? Even if OP did everything wrong and has a horrible child (which doesn't seem to be the case), it doesn't excuse racist abuse. Nothing does!

A handy hint: when you have to ask "who is being racist here?" after rattling off a list of irrelevant what-ifs, it's probably you.

SaraBellumHertz · 03/02/2012 04:22

Your title sort of sums up the absurdity of the situation: talk of protecting property in relation to a three year old looking at a book. All the while you are contentedly allowing your DD to fiddle with someone else's belongings. Really?

You were rude, she was rude. Neither of you behaved well.

"diseased" seems to be the insult du jour amongst teenagers around here.

SaraBellumHertz · 03/02/2012 04:28

Jeez no one is justifying racist abuse Hmm

The fact that the OP may have been the subject of racist abuse can in no way negate her prior unreasonableness.

OriginalJamie · 03/02/2012 05:07

I wasn't saying anyone was justifying racist abuse.

I was flagging it as a possibilty

And, yes, Busyoldfool - it would be racism if the OP was white. Why would you assume not?

OriginalJamie · 03/02/2012 05:13

I am starting to feel this discussing is on a highway to nowhere, bur Sara, if the "diseased" comment stems from racism, then I think that does trump to OP's unreasonableness.

bejeezus · 03/02/2012 06:06

But this wasn't an Exchange between teenagers

An adult, levelled that insult at a child

SaraBellumHertz · 03/02/2012 06:27

We actually have no idea how old/what race/which colour anyone in this sorry tale was.

Racism may 'trump' unreasonableness in so far as it is that then which becomes the significant issue in the post but it cannot justify retrospectively as rina seems to think.

SaraBellumHertz · 03/02/2012 06:30

Except of course the 3 year old.

I agree discussion seems to be on highway to no where thoug. Especially when OP appears reluctant to disclose details re race.

WorraLiberty · 03/02/2012 09:23

and when it's revealed that race was the missing piece to the puzzle everyone gets defensive. These people called a mixed-race child "diseased", how can you defend that and in the same damn breath say race isn't an issue?

It wasn't revealed as the missing piece...it was merely suggested.

The people on the bus may have had no idea that the OP and her child 'come from a very mixed background'.

I come from a mixed background, yet no-one here in London would know it as I'm white with a Cockney accent.

My DH is also white with a Cockney accent and yet his Mum is Spanish, his Dad was Scottish and his Grandfather was Norwegian.

It was PushyDad who brought skin colour into it and none of us know what anyone's colour is.

Busyoldfool · 04/02/2012 00:45

Agree with Worra and also with those who have said that this is going nowhere. Sorry to hear Jamie that you think the exchange is only racist if the woman who got on the bus was white and not if she was any other race/ colour/ nationality. Surely there are people in every group who can be unpleasant/ racist etc - not just the whites - and people who can be kind, generous etc too in every group.

I didn't assume it wasn't racist. As I said we don't know what colour the woman was or what the OP meant by mixed background.

I'd like to think that we could find oursleves next to each other on a bus/ park bench/ at a station, whatever, and actually get on quite well without calling each other racists. ( We might even be the same colour!! Smile ).

I'm off to bed now. Hope that you had a better day today OP!

Birdsgottafly · 04/02/2012 00:55

WTAF i have just returned to this thread.

Pushydad- my post was to the OP, nothing to do with yours. Btw i didn't realise that you could see through posters laptop screen's, however else would you know my racial background ,to accuse me of racism? I made a comment about life on buses in London seems very stressful, which i suppose comes loosely under an geographic heritage Hmm.

Mind you it makes a change from being caused a Marxist.

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