Having one child is not harder than having more?

[morebabiesmorework]

Friend recently decided to tell me why having one child was harder than me having 4. Friends child has no special needs/not a single parent/ child same age as my youngest.

AIBU to think she is talking crap?

I've got three and I have to say the 2 year old is very hard work on his own at the moment. He's hard work when his siblings are around but there are times when I feel a relief that he has someone else to play with..... I have made the comment to my husband that sometimes it felt easier with the first two being close together at some stages but then I remind myself of some of the hard moments where they got up to stuff and encourage each other to do all the things I didn't want them to do....

Hmmmm well when my dtwin boys were 6 months and sil's dd was also 6 months old dsil had the audacity to say "well of cause having 1 baby is a lot more labour intensive than having 2".

After having lived like a zombie for 6 months I have no idea how I restrained myself from saying "how the f*k did you work that one out" whilst doing some serious damage with my masseeeeeeeve nappy bag.

She is talking crap so yanbu.

OrmIrian Wed 01-Feb-12 12:42:46
I do wonder if parents of one child put themselves under pressure to be perfect though?

Nope!

To be honest I can see it from both points of view. There is 4 years between my 2 children.

I found it a lot harder to cope when my eldest was a newborn. To go from having none to 1 was a nightmare for me. I was unprepared for the utter tiredness of having broken nights sleep.

I was also terrified I was doing everything wrong. Did I make the feeds right? Is she feeding enough?sleeping enough? Breathing properly?

Worried when she was eating solids that she was not having enough. She has always been slim and long with a small appetite.

And bathing was scary! What if I dropped her? etc

Used to take her to the doctors at sign of illness even just a cold as was terrified I would get it wrong and it would be serious.

I spent a lot of one on one time with her. We would do lots of baking, arts and crafts, playing with her toys.

She was at preschool 3 hours a day when my youngest was born so used to do all my shopping/cleaning in that time so when she was home all attention was on her.

Days out were easy as just catered for her needs.

Routine was easier though she was older when I needed to get her into one as did not really have anywhere we had to be at a certain time until she went to preschool.

Youngest came along. I was a lot more calmer. Did not panic the same over feeding, steralising, bathing, eating etc.

As we had her older sister the little one just had to slot in with our routine.

Found it OK to do preschool runs. She spent a lot more time in sleepsuits rather than outfits like her older sister did as it was easier.

Days out are harder as we have to try and cater for a nearly 6 year old and a 20 month old. Especially difficult now the youngest is walking as she wants to go places to have a run around.

I do not spend the same amount of time with my eldest as toddler is always around so that is tough. But also youngest does not get the same amount of time and attention like my eldest did. She is very content to play on her own most times while I get housework done etc.

So to be honest for me there have been harder/easier things from both angles.

I do agree you are more confident and relaxed when 2nd, 3rd, 4th etc comes along. You tend to just do what needs doing instead of getting a bit obsessed with it all.

My SIL used to tell me she couldn't imagine just having one child as her four play with each other and keep each other busy. I think this was a dig, as she thought we weren't going to have any more children.

I used to say pointedly "well, I like spending time with DS"

erm and how would she know?

"Friend recently decided to tell me why having one child was harder than me having 4. Friends child has no special needs/not a single parent/ child same age as my youngest."

I think it depends on circumstances and health. I found having one child when ds was baby hard because I was so tired and ill with depression. It wasn't having one child that made life hard, it was being so ill.

With dd I have found two year a breeze. I worried less and I am was confident in myself. I was physically and mentally healthy.

I would love a third, but I don't see dh agreeing to it.

I have to say that I find having two easier than when I have one on her own. As singles they are just so needy, whereas together they don't really want me in their games (which is fine by me !). They have a small age gap though. Now I'm pregnant with no. 3 I am wondering whether it will be a bit of a shock to have to be the 'entertainment' because they wont want to do the same things. Trying to convince DH to go for no. 4 immediately so I wont have to find out, but I don't think it's going to happen!

Depends on so many things.

However, I'm 36w pregnant, have a 2.5yo DD and am actively begging to borrow other kids for a while - I find it a lot easier having 2.5yo niece and 2.5yo DD in the house and looking after both singlehandedly than just looking after DD. In five hours I actually managed to cook a decent lunch, cook an evening meal, clean the kitchen, wash the floor, do several loads of washing... the girls followed and 'helped' occasionally but neither of them held onto my leg or my sleeve, or badgered me to do jigsaws, play trains, etc. I ended up with time to play with them as well, and was much less tired at the end of the day than normal. DD didn't ask to be picked up once, took herself to the loo, etc.

I suspect that having a 2.5yo DD and a newborn is going to be much, much harder than having just DD though. DD's going to want all the attention she's always demanded and the baby's going to need me too. I may have to borrow my niece again.

FWIW, SIL has new baby as well as DD and has asked to borrow my DD for the same reason - the two cousins entertain each other so well it makes life much easier. For her, three is definitely easier than just her own two.

So - YANBU in principle but it depends what you're comparing, plus the ages and personalities of the kids involved.

Multiple children don't always play together-I have 3 ranging from
Ages 12-1, it's HARD, very hard. They fight and argue but rarely play together. But I'd never judge people with more or less children as everyone's circumstances are completely different, behaviour and ages of children are a huge factor.

I have four under 7 and it's much easier than having just the one...in some ways. I think with just the one child some parents are a little overly focused. With 4 you are a lot more laid back negligent because you are always so pushed for time!

It's not harder, just different, with different challenges and different blessings.

Just like someone with 4 or 5 children just has different challenges and blessings.

I have one child. Sometimes it is easier, sometimes harder and probably most of the time just different.

I think of course several children is heavy on the sleep deprivation, laundry, mess, organisation, more expensive to take places etc.

But I do find having 3 children (close in age, compatible in interests) quite emotionally relaxing in some ways. If one is struggling with something it's reassuring to see the others being OK with that thing, so often a particular child's current problem becomes less worrying when you can see that it's not all down to your parenting, and their siblings don't have the same issues.

And I do like not having to play boring kid games endlessly, my dc will play together very well most of the time and that can be freeing.

Impossible for someone with only one child to say whether or not it is harder than having four as they have never experienced more than one. YANBU except perhaps in that you didn't ask her why she thought this!

Overall, the more children you have, the harder for various reasons. Of course, it will vary with the sexes, age gaps, personalities, etc and I take the point made about single children but generally, more is harder for sure.

Parenting 3 with help from your own parents/PILs/siblings etc, and a wide circle of your and DC friends (and possibly a SAH parent) is quite different to parenting 1 child with poss special needs, 2 fulltime stressful jobs, one of which involves working overseas periodically, living 160 miles away from practical family support. Amounts of money once bills are paid, amounts of physical and mental support, amounts of time to get things done, distances in commutes to work/school/shops etc, amount of interaction the DC's need - all of these can vary drastically and can fall on the plus or minus side of the argument - regardless of numbers of kids.

Personally, we only have 1, and it can feel as hard or harder than some others we see around us. But there are decisions we've taken which impact on it, decisions which others have taken impacting on them, and overall - lots of things balance out in the end.

morebabies - I've no idea what it's like in other households before bedtime - it's 'full-on' in my house with one because she gets (and needs) constant attention from 3.35 til 9pm. And that's why I love it when she has a friend round occasionally and someone else is with her. Maybe others have children that play together or are able to manage themselves?

I have had more than one at once (fostering) and the siblings also were able to be together and entertain themselves a lot.

I can only really say what it's like for me with the one I have now - which is 5 plus hours attention a day.

I think it depends on the ages , mine are 2 ,9 and 17 , so its like having 3 only children iyswim , they dont play with each , although the 17 yr old can be bribed to watch the 2 yr old at times

I think the more you have the harder it is and the less time there is for yourself. I wouldn't change the number of kids I have though.

Your OP seems to want people to feel sorry for you. What do you want people to say? "You poor thing, it must be awful having four children"? Your chioce presumably.

Bollocks, IMO. Two children is harder than one, three harder than two. Multiplied nappy changes, baths, clothes, stress etc. It was hard with one child but I couldn't have imagined it would be harder with more until I had more. It's definitely harder financially, whether you're well off or breadline.

Every family and every parent's experience is different so I would never generalise about someone else's set up. I have one child who is 3 and I find family life and parenting very easy compared to some of my friends with more than one but that is largely because DD plays fantastically on her own and is not a demanding child. I get alot of time to do my own thing and have my own headspace.

I think its harder when they are babies to have more than one, but in some ways easier when they are over about 3.

Single children really do demand a lot of parental attention.
I don't think I am "overly focused" on ds-I have a lot of other things in my life, and am probably not giving him enough attention actually, but when relatives kids/friends are here it is just easier because he has someone to play with, other than me.
If I have to play lightning McQueen one more time...

I grew up in a house full of kids, and I rarely saw my parents!

I guess your friend is focussing on the sole element of distraction in numbers i.e. your four children (allegedly) play with one another, leaving you free to float about leading a life of idle recreation that she, with only one child, can only dream about. Obviously, you know parenting four children tends to incorporate a little more than that so yes, she is talking out of her arse. I don't doubt she finds diverting and entertaining one rather full on. She is effectively that lone child's on-tap playmate, which must get pretty dull. However, it's a walk in the sodding park compared to the care, nurture and maintenance of four children however well you happen to be playing it (on an aside OP, four children: I salute you!).

I used to when people would, with a very serious face, share their view that a singleton/two children of different ages was "harder than twins". As parent of said screaming newborn/screaming three month old/screaming and trashing 12 month old/screaming rampaging two year old twins I took great exception to this. I was in The Abyss of Doomed Sleeplessness with my giant pram and they were not. Frankly, they were talking bollocks.

It's only as hard as you know and one person can find one child a struggle whereas another can find three pretty straightforward (I now have three; after twins it's a goddamn breeze!). However, four children knocks one child into a cocked hat even if you're parenting the Von Trapps and she's dealing with a monster. I don't care if yours play well together and her's whines for attention all the time. Parenting is about so much more than this and the demands are proportional. With four you have more on your plate. The fact that she doesn't see this is to do with her experience of being a parent and not yours.

Yeah alright Ariel.