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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To still feel upset and annoyed about this

60 replies

lucky4 · 01/02/2012 08:11

3 years on? DD was born 5 weeks early so we ended up in hospital for 2 weeks.She was on a feeding tube and during the night I had to bring her down to the nursery every 3 hours to be fed by midwife..there was also another mum in there alot of the time who was always moaning about lack of sleep,breastfeeding etc and she was often very upset and would bawl her eyes out so we often had a little chat..anyway this night midwife sent me back to my room saying she would bring dd back when she had been fed so away I went..after about 45 minutes theres no sign of dd being brought back so I went down to nursery to find dd cot empty,this woman and midwife were in room and asked midwife where dd was..this woman pipes up shes here(in her arms!!!!)and tells me she was crying so I picked her up..I dont know what was wrong with me I just stood there and midwife told me to go get a cup of tea and come back..as I was leaving room heard midwife telling her to put my dd back in cot..turns out she hadnt been fed either!!! midwife was all sheepish with me after and cant to this day believe I didnt react and go mental..how dare they?what was wrong with me?cant believe how I accepted it and to this day I think of it all the time and get very angry and upset with myself..HOW DARE SOMEONE ELSE PICK UP MY BABY.....another incident in there has also bothered me for not reacting..the lady who comes round to give you fresh jugs of water passed it to me one day directly over dd head..gives me the shivers and wish I had gone mad at her at how stupid She was..feel I let my dd down

OP posts:
StrandedBear · 01/02/2012 08:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ssd · 01/02/2012 08:20

first you haven't let your dd down, you sound lovely and caring and normal

something happened with me when I had ds, I had an epidural and still had numbness in legs when midwife came into my room the following morning after midnight birth, ds was crying and midwife picked him up and said "oh you have a dirty nappy couldn't your mum be bothered to change you", I was shocked and tried to jump out of bed to change him but my legs wouldn't work and dh tried to help me out of bed, but midwife said to him," leave her, she has to learn how to get out of bed!! Shock

I wanted to belt her, but lay there open mouthed and said nothing!!

op, you are not alone, but as long as you and the baby are ok, let it go

thing, like you

loopsylou · 01/02/2012 08:21

I think it's actually against the rules to let another woman hold your baby so early on. That time in a child's life is crucial for bonding, they can get very upset if someone they've connected with leaves, hence the midwifes attempt to stay as detatched as possible. However from a humanity view, the woman is very upset atm, probably needed it. You have a choice, either report the midwife or don't. Depends how strongly you feel... :L

Callisto · 01/02/2012 08:21

Jesus, you need to let this one go. It was three years ago fgs. Do you really have so little to occupy you that you're still angry and upset now?

ssd · 01/02/2012 08:21

thing, like you is a typo!!

KittyFane · 01/02/2012 08:22

Stranger picking new born baby up Hmm
Jug of water over head Hmm

Don't waste time worrying about it now though. What's prompted this thread 3 years on?

JustHecate · 01/02/2012 08:25

Yes. You are indeed being unreasonable.
Three years later? The time to speak to the midwife was then, but it wasn't even that big a deal.

And a water jug?

And you think about it all the time?

If this is genuine, then I suggest you go to your gp and ask for some help because this is not normal.

I say 'if this is genuine' because we are in the middle of an 'invasion' by some silly little boys atm. It is making people think oh yeah? about a lot of posts.

KittyFane · 01/02/2012 08:26

ssd - op, you are not alone, but as long as you and the baby are ok, let it go
DC is not a baby. This happened 3 years ago.

SaraBellumHertz · 01/02/2012 08:31

What on earth has happened to trigger this reaction 3 years later?

Neither of those incidents should be giving you any trouble 3 days after the event never mind now.

seeker · 01/02/2012 08:35

Op- if this is still upsetting you after so long then it is possible that you might be suffering from depression- I think you should talk to your doctor about it. It's not "normal" - whatever that means- to be still so upset about such minor issues 3 years later. Seek help- you will feel better if you do.

JustHecate · 01/02/2012 08:35

If this is genuine, then I suggest you go to your gp and ask for some help because this is not normal. *

*and could indicate depression

BobblyGussets · 01/02/2012 08:36

OP, I am sorry you are still stressed and upset and I totally understand. When I was reading your post, it stirred feelings in me surrounding DSs birth 8 years ago. It was not the same as you experience, but it was traumatic. I remember taking DS for his hearing check at the hospital where I had him six weeks after the birth and hearing someone in labour. I started crying on hearing that, so I feel your pain.

Birth (yours sounds as if it might have been traumatic) stirs all sorts of funny feelings and at the time your hormones would have been all over the place. It would have been stressful to have a prem baby and the midwives should have been more sensitive than they were.

You might have some form of post traumatic stress so do talk to a nice GP. Don't, however, bother with folks who will tell you "as long as you and DC are alright..". You are not feeling alright and you do need to talk it through.

A big hug from me to you.

Whatmeworry · 01/02/2012 08:37

if this is the biggest problem you have had in 3 years with that baby, then count your blessings. Let it go.

AtYourCervix · 01/02/2012 08:39

LoupsyLou You are talking utter bollocks (unless that was ironic?).

  1. your baby cried so someone comforted it.
  2. a water jug was passed.
  3. 3 years later you are still worried about these things.

I suspect that it might be linked to a very upsetting, traumatic time that you maybe need to work through. - Look into whether there is a birth after thoughts service atthe hospital where you had your baby.

PotteringAlong · 01/02/2012 08:41

I passed my husband a glass of squash over the head of my baby yesterday...

I think you need to talk to someone in real life

Latsia · 01/02/2012 08:41

Was DD your first? I ask because I do think there is something about your first time in the postnatal ward that makes you feel incredibly vulnerable. You want mothering and reassurance in the whole new world of having a baby and sometimes - if you're unlucky - what you get is brusqueness or even unprofessional behaviour. You've suddenly got the weight of responsibility on your shoulders and you're not sure how to fulfil it.

I can understand why it would upset you to find a random woman holding your baby. I would be exactly the same. And I do think many many women leave hospital the first time around wishing that they had been a bit more vocal or forthright in their views. I guess that incident meant you were hyper sensitive to any potential dangers (or otherwise) hence the jug incident sticking in your mind.

You didn't fail your DD. No harm came to her. What happened was more about you and the bonding process and getting used to the idea of being a mum. What really matters as far as your DD is concerned is what you are doing now. And I guess that means looking at whether anything is going on now that has triggered your memory of back then, as another poster said.

Original poster
lucky4 · 01/02/2012 08:45

It bothers me to have let it go,it is never acceptable to pick up a strangers baby
upsets me to have accepted the situation at the time,am not that type of person who would normally...it hasnt taken over my life!that would be impossible with work and kids!

OP posts:
KittyFane · 01/02/2012 08:50

Then kick yourself for not speaking up at the time, then let it go.

Latsia · 01/02/2012 08:51

I do get that. I also think you'll find a lot of women have left the postnatal ward with at least one event which they wish they had spoken up about. There is something about that time that just means people often lose the ability to be assertive. I don't think that's just you.

SiamoNellaMerda · 01/02/2012 08:51

So what long term and lasting damage has been done to your child?

seeker · 01/02/2012 08:53

Ah, you see, I am the sort of person who might well pick up q crying baby- would you rather she was left uncomforted? The other mother thought shewas doing a nice thing- you said you qnd she had been chatting so she probably didn't think she was picking up a stranger's baby- she probably though she was picking up a new friend's baby.

SaraBellumHertz · 01/02/2012 08:57

Of course it is acceptable to pick up a strangers baby.

Especially if they are distressed and the mother is not there.

If for some reason any of my DC were distressed in my absence I would be horrified if they were ignored by an adult who was present. I would want them to be comforted Confused

ChasTittyBeltUp · 01/02/2012 08:58

You will have to let it go...I totally understand the remembering little things like that. I have my own collection. Often when a birth is traumatic...and an early one is...we get these scars...which consist of memories from tha time.

You have to let them go now. And people...stop telling OP she's being silly....I guess some of you had perfect births and had no mental strain at all eh? Hmm

ChasTittyBeltUp · 01/02/2012 09:00

Sarah I know what you are saying but a hospitals first duty of care is to the baby and Mother and that includes not allowing anyone unconnected to have acccess. They are not allowed to let a baby get picked up by someone else...the midwife should have done it. So maybe save your horror for the midwife rather than the OP?

Latsia · 01/02/2012 09:01

I would expect a midwife to pick up my baby if they were distressed and I couldn't be there, not another patient or a visitor.

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