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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to feel a little upset that ds's friends mom may of said this

64 replies

tevion · 31/01/2012 22:35

Ds is an only dc and I do make an effort to have friends over after school weekends etc.
Ds is not very outgoing and tends to only take to certain people so I therefore tend to concentrate on inviting those children over that he likes.
I usually invite people over once a week in turn I tend to alternate between three of them.
The one lad has just started coming over recently so I have started to invite him each week sometimes every other week.
I realise that I am in danger of looking desperate for playmates for ds but he doesn,t have friends to hang out with in the neirghbourhood.
I have just invited this one lad for a sleepover I text his mom but no reply.
I mentioned to ds that I had not recieved a reply from his mates mom about the sleepover and he said that on speaking to his mate that the mate had said his mom had said it was becoming too frequent at every week and that he needs to spend time with his other friends.
Well I am thinking does once a week hurt really and how mean.
I feel I shouldn,t ask again.
Please what do you think.

OP posts:

CailinDana · 31/01/2012 22:37

I think you're a bit bonkers frankly. The child clearly has other friends and wants to see them, there's nothing wrong with that.

BabsJansen · 31/01/2012 22:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

squeakytoy · 31/01/2012 22:41

YABU.

I do not see the need for frequent sleepovers anyway.

How old is your son?

cornsix · 31/01/2012 22:41

playdates can be hard work for some parents depending on their home set up. Try not to be upset with the other mum.

FelicityWits · 31/01/2012 22:42

I can understand why you're upset BUT my DS 'went off' a friend he saw every week (they got tired of each other, it became more of a trial iyswim), and with hindsight I think if they'd seen each other less often it would've been more exciting when they did iyswim.

Don't write them off completely, just give it a little while. I completely get where you're coming from, DD was an only for ages and I did similar (and got similarly upset). Now I have DS1 who is bizarrely popular I can see both sides of the coin.

ZacharyQuack · 31/01/2012 22:42

Perhaps the child has some afterschool activities that means he only has limited time each week available for playdates? Perhaps he has more than one friend?

The other mother should have replied to you, though maybe you could ring instead of texting, but you shouldn't be upset if the mate is not as available as you would like.

hiddenhome · 31/01/2012 22:43

Please don't overdo it with this lad. I had a woman latch onto me when ds1 was a toddler. She was determined that we would get together all the time and it drove me mad. I ended up by dumping her because I can't stand being stiflied like that.

Just relax and back off a little bit. You'll scare people away by being like this. The other lad does have other friends and another life. The mother won't have meant to hurt you, but she just wants her son to have some variety.

LynetteScavo · 31/01/2012 22:48

So you are thinking of going from asking him over every week, to not asking him again?

Why not just ask again in a month or so?

aldiwhore · 31/01/2012 22:50

Text request = fail

Every other week = commitment

I think you do need to mix it up. Children in my experience get on better with children they wouldn't choose when on a playdate rather than at school so to limit your son to three isn't really fair on him. (Although I accept this is your sons suggestion).

Every week or every week is A LOT. Sleepovers are somethingt that, although I don't see anything wrong with, make me feel a bit "well I am NOT reciprocating THAT!" so would decline..., there's not usually a NEED. (If a mate was stuck, I'd do it in a flash I simply don't file that activity under 'fun')

Your son doesn't sound desperate, but I'm sorry, you do a little... its too much!

MilkNoSugarAndAShotofWhisky · 31/01/2012 22:52

Even "once a week" can be a PITA! having to change routine etc, so yes, it can be a "big deal!

Maybe your DS is more keen on this mate then the mate is on him?

And it's not mean......!!

EverybodysSnowyEyed · 31/01/2012 22:58

DS has a playdate a week and the boys involved number 4 or 5. Playdates are either here or there.

However, I have a younger child and picking DS up can be tough as I need to give her dinner etc etc. So it isn't very easy for me to have to pick DS up once a week from someone elses place.

Also, I work 3 days so they tend to be hectic and on the other 2 I quite like having DS to myself!!

Also agree that it is good to invite a broader range of boys

smithereenies · 31/01/2012 22:58

does once a week hurt really and how mean

this sounds like it is totally from your perspective - its not really the other mother's fault or responsibility that your child doesn't have many friends. What is so mean about encouraging her son to have a wider circle of friends? Maybe you could learn sthing from her!

ballstoit · 31/01/2012 23:01

YABU.

My DS (6) is the eldest of my 3 DC. If he was going to a play date at one friends house once a week, I would feel I needed to reciprocate at least once a fortnight. I would also have to put up with DD1 (4) moaning that DS was not at home to play with/why couldn't she go to her friends/why couldn't she have her friend over.

And once a week I would have to try to keep DD2 (2) awake in the car or pushchair while I went to pick DS up from said friends house, as I would feel I was taking the piss if friend's parents always had to bring him home. And usually I would fail, so would have her awake til midnight and then whiney the next day because she'd not had enough sleep.

Does this help you to see that once a week would be too much for me, but nothing to do with your DS?

fedupofnamechanging · 31/01/2012 23:02

I wouldn't like my dc to be at someone else's house once a week. It would mean that I couldn't do anything else on that evening. I do think it is a bit much tbh.

scarletforya · 31/01/2012 23:03

Once a week is a LOT.

You should back off a little bit as you are being too clingy and demanding.

Miette · 31/01/2012 23:12

How old is your son? I think a lot of people don't want to rush into sleepovers as obviously they are longer than normal "playdates" may have had enough after a few hours and wish they could go home. Do you only invite kids to your home, oe do they invite back too? We usually have friends over every month or two, but they invite my dds back each time. That is with very good friends they have known a long time. I think with preschoolers every week is fine as you need to fill the time if you are at home with them, but with school kids there is less time as they have clubs, homework, other actvities etc to fit around school, so once a week is maybe too much. So I don;'t think the mum was being rude or offensive. Maybe wait to be invited back and join clubs as a way for your son to make friends instead. Is there an after school club?

FelicityWits · 31/01/2012 23:14

OP, how old is your DS? Because that can make a big difference. There's a point where playdates are more about the parent/s, and when they are more about the children.

FelicityWits · 31/01/2012 23:15

DD (10), NEVER has playdates, she finds school a bit stressful anyway and has lots of activities etc and just needs to unwind - we sometimes (rarely), have friends over on weekends if we're doing something in particular.

DS1 (5), would have his whole class over every day if he could, but I'd have a breakdown!

Original poster

tevion · 01/02/2012 00:19

ds is 10.
Its nice to see that some you are understanding of my predicament.
Ds is an only quite shy and I have always done my best to try and give him peer company.
I do however appreciate alot of what you are saying but do think some of you are been quite nasty about this.
I don,t under any circumstances expect the playdate to be reciprocated and I always pick up her ds from the school and always drop him back off I do not expect her to run around when I have given the invite.
I would be delighted if somebody was inviting ds around every week.
But then again I realise alot of people already have a ready set of play mates in the form of siblings so don,t feel the need.
It can be quite lsolating at times being the parent of an only.

OP posts:

GoingForGoalWeight · 01/02/2012 00:27

Special occasions for sleepovers. Inbetween ask in the school holidays and don't expect your son to be asked. Is there a youthclub you can get to on a weekend? Football etc? I understand you might be hurt but wait for your son to be asked also. Knowing his friend comes every week as you arrange might make it easier for your son not to try mixing socially, a bit more. Good luck and i'm sorry you feel like this, i get it.

ThePinkPussycat · 01/02/2012 00:29

Although you may not expect it to be reciprocated, the other mum might feel obligated anyway, I'm afraid. Does it have to be a sleep over/play date? In my young day a friend would come to tea, stay an hour perhaps, and then go home. This meant minimum disruption to each family.

Ghoulwithadragontattoo · 01/02/2012 00:31

Honestly - I think I would invite a wider range of boys around so that you are not putting so much pressure on one / a few relationship(s). You son doesn't have any siblings and only a few friends. I can totally understand that you want him to have more social time with other children. BUT it isn't fair on the other boy / his mum for it to be so frequent. Perhaps you could encourage your son to do other activities. Either something like Cubs / Scouts or a sports club as a regular commitment or encourage him to go swimming or bowling with a small group of friends. I met a lot of friends from out of school activities and at least you know you have one thing in common :)

Thumbwitch · 01/02/2012 00:33

YABU to want to never invite him again - that's a silly over-reaction and doesn't hurt anyone apart from your DS and possibly the friend.

Cut the invitations down to once every few weeks, instead of once a week. Mix it up a bit more so that no one friend is over more than once a month and then you shouldn't have the problem again.

BluddyMoFo · 01/02/2012 00:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

iceandsliceplease · 01/02/2012 00:35

Have you thought about getting your DS involved with Scouts? DS (7) goes to Beavers once a week, loves it and has made a lot of new friends as a result. Before he started he didn't know anyone in his group, but now he has a lot of new friends and the pride in his face when he came home with his first badge last week [crying with pride].

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