to feel a little upset that ds's friends mom may of said this

[tevion]

Ds is an only dc and I do make an effort to have friends over after school weekends etc.
Ds is not very outgoing and tends to only take to certain people so I therefore tend to concentrate on inviting those children over that he likes.
I usually invite people over once a week in turn I tend to alternate between three of them.
The one lad has just started coming over recently so I have started to invite him each week sometimes every other week.
I realise that I am in danger of looking desperate for playmates for ds but he doesn,t have friends to hang out with in the neirghbourhood.
I have just invited this one lad for a sleepover I text his mom but no reply.
I mentioned to ds that I had not recieved a reply from his mates mom about the sleepover and he said that on speaking to his mate that the mate had said his mom had said it was becoming too frequent at every week and that he needs to spend time with his other friends.
Well I am thinking does once a week hurt really and how mean.
I feel I shouldn,t ask again.
Please what do you think.

OP, my dd is an only child so I do have some sympathy - playdates are important. My dd is very sociable and loves to be around other people. But I'm afraid I would find it way too much if she was going to the same friend's house every week.

My dd does a lot of activities and generally only has one weekday available for playdates. There are around 7 friends who she likes to play with regularly. Visiting one of those friends on a weekly basis would mean that she was unable to fit in time with the other six - as her mum, I wouldn't want to encourage this. She would also miss out on having some evenings free with nothing to do, which I also consider to be important. So I'm afraid I would discourage such regular playdates if this question were to arise.

Also, regardless of whether you expect the other mum to reciprocate sometimes, they may feel obliged to do so anyway - I know I would.

I admire you for putting in so much effort so that your ds can experience playing with other children. I live in another country so my children are isolated in a similar way, although I have two of them, because they have no family here.

I do have children over to play quite often and in the holidays I will have their friends over for the whole day if their parents are working, for the benefit of my dc

However I do think once a week is a lot. Even if you are doing all the picking up and dropping off the child is still out of the house instead of doing his homework or laying the table or whatever he does.

I would try and expand your sons social circle from other places such as cubs or similar.

Sleep overs are the 'in thing' at the moment - though I really cant understand why.

Once a week for a ""play dates"" (and who the hell invented such a nauseous phrase??) is quite enough. TBH, if you work it right you get about 6 kids in your house one evening and by the time all the reciprocal inviations have been repaid you get 6 weeks clear, not to mention 6 weeks of an afternoons P&Q.

Don't pay too much attention to those who think having siblings is some form of ready entertainment - the reality is they fight like cat and dog and cant stand the sight of each other.

PS whoever used ""play mate"" - sounds like something from Hugh Heffners Bunny Mansion.

Sorry but at 10 you shouldn't be organisng all his social life for him. He should also be doing more activities outside the home. I would suggest Cubs and some kind of sport (eg. swimming lessons).
They do see quite a lot of kids at school anyway, they don't need to also see them all the time outside the home. I also like to see my own kids sometimes.
Does your son ever get invited elsewhere?

YABU to say she is mean.

It is not mean to want your child to have time available for more than one friend and do so me activities.

I think you sound like you are a lovely mother and trying to make sure your son has friends, which is natural.

But from the other mother's perspective, weekly may be too frequent. My children are younger, but I know I would feel odd about one of them spending a night a week away from home. Imagine if your DS was spending a night a week with someone else's family. To me, sleepovers would be an occasional thing, not regular.

As others have said, maybe just invite less frequently, and perhaps a more convenient time - just an afternoon's play or something like that?

Best thing is to have a word with the mum. The message may have got rather garbled coming via two 10year old children! Say something along the lines of 'Oh, hope you're not feeling under pressure with all our invites. her-name-child is such a lovely boy and he and DS always seem to have fun. Would it be easier for you if it was just an afternoon instead of overnight, or just every few weeks.' It's not such a big issue really, just need to get both your expectations in line.

And - if you want your son to learn how to manage friendships, you need to show him a relaxed, easy way of handling minor situations like this. They crop up all the time.

I think it's very hard if kids don't have friends in their neighbourhood and you need to do all the arranging. It is the reason I live on an estate rather than the lovely old house I have been admiring for yrs ...sob!

Maybe you should let your ds take the lead in who comes round when.

In a year or so your son will be organising his own social life, he'll decide with his friends who he wants to see and when. I certainly wasn't arranging 'play dates' when my eldest was ten (last year.)

I also think that clubs etc after school are far better than regular playdates once the children reach juniors. DS1 is 8, and rarely has playdates now - only on occasional Saturday afternoons.

But, he meets friends almost every day. In particular, he plays a lot of tennis and football, so has regular friends he meets at the clubs.

I had friends who did weekly playdates when the children were in infants, and it was too much for them. One friend of mine was possibly in a similar position to your friend - she felt very awkward because she wanted to cancel the arrangement, as it was becoming too stifling for her daughter, but didn't know how to without offending the other mother. The other mother did take offence in the end, which was awkward all round.

You sound lovely OP and I understand totally why you are helping your DS by inviting friends round. It has to be done when they don't have friends locally. Try not to be offended, encourage DS to invite others for a while.

Hi OP

I really understand the only-DC thing and how isolating it can be for a child to not have ready-made playmates. I currently have only one child. I have another on the way but the age gap is a large one so play-dates will remain an important part of my DS's life.

However I do agree with others who say that although your son is shy, you do need to encourage him to cultivate a slightly wider group of friends - either in his class or through out of school activities.

I know you are not expecting other mums to reciprocate the playdates you organise at the same rate but some parents do feel strongly that play-dates shouldn't be one-sided and so do feel the pressure to reciprocate which can be challenging for parents with 2 or more children or just very busy onlies.

Try not to be offended by this mum. Like the others say - give it a month and then invite the boy round again. If your son likes this boy then it is important to maintain friendship. Good luck.

I am an only so I know how he feels but I think you should try and get him involved in a group. Scouts would be perfect, great at installing confidence. I would not want my dc to go to the same friends house each week. Two nights after school we already have activities, do hw on the other two which leaves fri for playdates... And if that was the same child every week it's very limiting socially.

To be honest I would think we wouldn't have the same child over more than once possibly twice a term.

tevion - I sympathise with you. My dc always asked to have friends round, and I always said yes. Once a week too much? Blimey. My kids have them round most days. If the other child is busy, fine. Ask someone else. Kids love to have friends to play with, good for you.

I do feel for you, but at 10 you should be encouraging him to get out and make new friends - Cubs/Scouts is a great idea.

Dd1 gets invited to a friends house quite a bit and I can't reciprocate as I have 3 children a husband who works nights and I work at weekends so its a bit of a logistical nightmare. Although I know friends mum doesn't give it a second thought, I do and can feel a bit crap sometimes.

Agree with others, once a week is a lot, but the mum should have replied.

I have a 10 year old who is popular and I would be turning down a weekly invitation for playdates/sleepovers.

I'm sorry but I think a weekly sleepover is too intense and I know from experience that intense friendships can go badly wrong. I'd keep things more casual- sleepovers every 4-6 weeks (at half term and school holidays?) is plenty.

As someone else suggested, I'd try and meet new people by joining new teams and groups. You probably won't see those friends as often and a once a week deal won't seem so desperate if it's tied into the group eg. having someone round before the activity and taking both boys there.

Do your neighbours have children?
Do you live in an area where your son can go out to see his friends?

It's tough at this time of year as it gets dark so early but it might be a fun way to spend half term?

Firstly - don't worry...
Although you may feel like you need to provide your son with friends to compensate for not having brothers or sisters, it really doesn't work like that... I was a quiet only child - and its not necessarily a bad thing.
At 10 years old he's old enough to have views about what he would like. If it is that he wants to have more friends then work out with him what friendship means and how it can't be forced by just putting kids together.
The other suggestions about some kind of activity I think are good - could be cubs/scouts, sports, dancing, music, reading club(?) rather than a non specific play date as they will help him develop more.
Also don't underestimate the power of doing things with him yourself - I didn't have brothers or sisters to play with, instead I had my mum and dad for playtime.
From my dad I learnt lots about driving and cars (knew my highway code for years before driving test!) and building meccano sets, and from my mum it was cooking and crafts as well as the usual silly running around, hide and seek, make believe play games. Never felt I missed out, and I haven't turned out as some social misfit, even if I am quiet/shy/introverted sometimes...

Look, DD isn't of an age yet but I wouldn't really want her spending a night a week away from home. As such, if she were to be away overnight I wouldn't really want it being to the same person, as in that case in order to see other friends as well she would need to be out a couple of nights a week, which I really wouldn't want. Does that make sense? It isn't her responsibility to provide friends for your son.

How old is he? Perhaps he should be allowed to sort this sort of thing himself?

I feel for you as I also have a 10 year old DS who is an only child and he is always wanting to invite friends around, I have to remind him that lots of his friends have brothers and sisters, local family etc and can't always come and play with him.

I make sure DS joins lots of organised clubs and activities (fortunately he likes doing this) to keep him busy and occupied but it can get a bit lonely at weekends when he is just hanging around with his parents .

I can speak as someone who became overwhelmed with playdate requests for my DS's and DD's in the past. It became at least weekly, sometimes twice or more times a week. It really bugged me the constant 'mithering'! Once a month is more my idea as otherwise DH and I don't get to spend much time with them and we have alot on after school. Plus there is the obligation to do it back, collect them etc etc! I would hold back and do it every couple of weeks and see if that goes down better. Some people just aren't into them so frequent.

Ime children who see one particular friend that often can become a bit like siblings-niggling at each other. I've found even with a best friend that not too often is better.

I would feel a sleep over once a week was too much unless it was for a couldn't be helped reason. If it's always with the same person then it's worse.

I agree with others who have suggested after school clubs like cubs etc where your DS can meet up with his friends. Sometimes the obligation to return the invite can be off-putting, especially if you are expecting his friends to come every week. You don't mention whether your DS's friend has siblings, or if the mom works etc - she might have a complicated life that makes it difficult to organise stuff. Rude of her not to reply at all though.

'I don,t under any circumstances expect the playdate to be reciprocated and I always pick up her ds from the school and always drop him back off I do not expect her to run around when I have given the invite.'

That is very good of you but does she know this? In any case she may FEEL obligated.

'I would be delighted if somebody was inviting ds around every week.'

But just because you would, doesn't mean others would, unfortunately and that seems the problem here. I am sure she does appreciate the invite but it just seems too much/too different to what she does/feels is right. There will be other mums who are more enthusiastic about regular playdates so maybe widen your circle-there are probably mums who would love weekly playdates amongst the class or from the boys (or girls) at cubs/other after school clubs.

'But then again I realise alot of people already have a ready set of play mates in the form of siblings so don,t feel the need.'

This is true in my case and I am lucky there (however some friends say their kids never play together and argue all the time) but they still do see friends and have friends round too but it is more occasional. Siblings can feel excluded/play up etc. and ,with 5 already, it can be chaos.

'It can be quite lsolating at times being the parent of an only.'

I do feel for you here but think maybe joining clubs etc would be better? That way you have a regular way of him meeting friends without all the awkwardness. My DD's best friend is an only and her mum invites DD alot more than I invite hers but it isn't overwhelming; perhaps once or twice a month and she alternates my DD with 3 or 4 other friends over the month so that she has different ones each week. I did feel awkward that she did it far more but the mum reassured me that she didn't expect it at all and knew it was harder for me etc.

Perhaps you could have a word saying sorry if it got abit much (maybe say your son asked the friend who told him) but your son really likes him coming to play and you understand it was abit much for her and are happy to do it abit less? Comprimise could be the key. Good luck!