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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to still send dd1 to the cm even though i'm on mat leave

60 replies

MarmiteMagic · 31/01/2012 16:20

Dd1 is 2 and has been going to a cm since I returned to work last january. The cm is brilliant with her and after hearing various horror stories of childcare I'm very anxious not to lose her so DP and I decided to keep sending dd1 3 days a week whilst I'm on mat leave with dd2.

Dd1 loves the cm, she's always happy to go (in fact she barely gives me a backwards glance) and she gets on really well with the other mindees. I make sure on the days it's just me and the girls that we do something fun (even if it's just making a den out of the dining table and a sheet) and at the weekends DP is here with us too. We spend loads of time together as a family and actively doing stuff with dd1 (rather than just passively looking after her). So why does everyone look at me like I've got two heads when I say we still use our cm? Surely its the same as having a nanny?

The only other alternatives are to a) pay a retainer or b) keep fingers crossed that she's still got places when I go back to work for dds 1 and 2

So what do you think? AIBU?

OP posts:

QueenPodling · 31/01/2012 16:24

Oh definitely, YANBU. It's hard enough having a newborn without a 2 yo too. If you can afford it, and your DC is happy there, I really don't see why not.

SmethwickBelle · 31/01/2012 16:24

If you can afford it, its not remotely unreasonable.

I sent DS1 to nursery two days a week all the way through mat leave with DS2. It was great to have a bit of space as two under 3 is an assault at times and meant I could do some baby groups and activities just with my new baby (DS1 was 2/3 so not in school at that point), it meant DS1 burned off loads of energy with his nursery mates.

On days they were both at home I made sure I did something with DS1 when DS2 napped - whatever he chose so he had some one on one time too.

Tanith · 31/01/2012 16:26

YANBU, you are being sensible and considering the needs of your child.

The less changes for your DS the better at the moment. His new baby brother or sister is going to come as a big surprise as it is: much better to keep up continuity of care and keep his little world as settled as you can.
It also gives you a break for a rest.

All my mums, without exception, have continued to send their kids to me during maternity leave for the same reasons.

Congratulations, by the way :)

Original poster

MarmiteMagic · 31/01/2012 16:28

Thank you for making me feel more normal!
We've got no family nearby to help out so our cm has been a godsend

OP posts:

cairnterrier · 31/01/2012 16:29

Marmitemagic I've just gone through the same dilemma. I've cut back my hours with the CM but will still be sending DS for 2 mornings every week (was 2 long days but they are just too long for him). I figure that he gets to see and play with his friends, I'll get some downtime with the new baby and a bit of a rest and hopefully be a bit more fun Mummy when DS comes back.

I also thought that it might help if things changed as little as possible when the new baby comes.

Ghoulwithadragontattoo · 31/01/2012 16:29

YANBU - I sent my DD to nursery (2 mornings and a day) when my DS was born. It kept her used to being at nursery and having fun with her friends while I bonded with the new baby. It's not like she'll never be at home.

RitaMorgan · 31/01/2012 16:31

Personally I would drop her off later and pick her up earlier if you can, but otherwise see no problem. It makes no difference to your DD if you are at work or at home.

WorraLiberty · 31/01/2012 16:32

YANBU

You have to think of your child first and you're certainly doing that by ensuring she keeps her place with the CM and her routine.

Keeping her at home for your own benefit (or anyone else's) really wouldn't do her any good at all by the sound of it.

lynniep · 31/01/2012 16:32

what the others said. We have no family near either so no help there.
I had to cut down DS1s hours to two half days a week, but the nursery knew that I'd ramp up again once he hit 3 and the funding kicked in, and then again when I started work. It was such a relief to just cope with the one for a bit! It keeps some form of consistency for them, they get to see their friends, and the new baby gets some attention.

wannaBe · 31/01/2012 16:32

I think it's odd.

Why wouldn't you want your dd at home with you if you are off work? For a couple of weeks I could sort of see it but you're going to be off for six/nine months aren't you? Why would you want to lose that time being with both your dc? It's the only chance you'll get.

IMO the whole "Oh she loves it/we do spend time with her the other days" is just a justification. How does your dd1 feel about you being at home with her sister and her being excluded like that?

My sister used to send her youngest to nursery during the school holidays while the eldest was off school, to the extent the eldest had to pretend he was going to school so the youngest didn't know he was at home and I thought that was odd as well.

Poledra · 31/01/2012 16:34

I sent DD1 3 days a week during mat leave with DD2, then again with DD3 (though DD1 started school then too). It was great - she got to go and play with her friends and I got an opportunity to spend some time with the baby and (hopefully!) catch up on some sleep! Agree with Tanith that it kept her 'routine' and also made a space for her where the baby wasn't in the way. My CM made sure that the older child(ren) got plenty of attention when they were with her too. And of course, it meant that I didn't lose their places with such a fabulous CM! All 3 of my DDs have been with her now, in DD1's case for 7 years. She is a treasure

eaglewings · 31/01/2012 16:34

Nothing wrong with it at all

You had time with her on her wn before you went back to wrk, you are now having time with your newborn in the same way. Treasure it!

StripeyScarf · 31/01/2012 16:36

tbh i would rather pack it in and give up than let someone else take care of my child when i am perfectly able to. I would hate every single second

but thats just me

StripeyScarf · 31/01/2012 16:37

How does your dd1 feel about you being at home with her sister and her being excluded like that?

good point

Original poster

MarmiteMagic · 31/01/2012 16:42

Stripey and wannabe - although I see your point from my point of view I see it as quality rather than quantity. I feel like when she is here I make more of an effort and all the mundane stuff gets done when she's not around. I'm not suggesting full time mums are boring, just that feel I would be boring as a full time mum iyswim.

OP posts:

Original poster

MarmiteMagic · 31/01/2012 16:44

i don't think she sees it as being excluded and if I thought for a second she did I wouldn't do it. She gets to go somewhere, she doesn't see it as being excluded from me and dd1 - at the moment anyhow.

OP posts:

porcamiseria · 31/01/2012 16:45

Its odd, as if its an older child that goes to nursey noone would say a word, but I for some reason a 2 year old with CM does seem a bit odd. so yanbu, BUT i can see that people would wonder why.....3 full days IS quite alot, esp if she is in a home as opposed to social environment, sorry you did ask!!!!

PatriciaHolm · 31/01/2012 16:47

I did the same. Well, I continued sending DD (then 18 months up to 2.5) to nursery for a couple of days a week when on ML with younger DS. Worked well for all concerned!

AmazingBouncingFerret · 31/01/2012 16:52

I take it you're going back to work? Good childcare is a fucking Godsend, keep sending your eldest so you don't lose the place.

I did exactly that, hasnt done my DS any harm, he had been going to his childminder since he was 4 months old, he certainly didnt see it as being excluded.

Original poster

MarmiteMagic · 31/01/2012 16:52

But it is social - there are five other mindees at various times. And I do pick her up earlier than when I was at work so I can do her dinner.

OP posts:

theterribletwos · 31/01/2012 16:52

I've kept ds1 at nursery 3 days a week now I'm on mat leave again. Its partly because I want him to keep his routine that he'll have to return to anyway. But partly because I know I would struggle with a tiny baby and a rampaging toddler 5 days a week at home alone. It's rubbish but I find it quite hard to cope as a mum at times so it really helps to reduce my anxiety levels. DS can do all the messy stuff that I just don't have the space or energy to do at home. Also I considered that ds2 deserved some 1:1 days with me, just like ds1 had.

If you can afford it, do it and don't feel bad about it at all.

ShhhhhGoBackToSleep · 31/01/2012 17:07

I've been thinking about this as DC2 is due when DC1 will be 2.4. I was going to drop him down from 3 days to 2 but if I take him out I will have no guarantee of a place when I go back to work after the mat leave. I think I will be a much better mum to DC1 if I have those 2 days to get a bit more sleep and get jobs done, not to mention spend a bit of time with DC2. The days I have them both DC2 will then have to take more of a back seat while I do things DC1 would prefer, and at the weekends we can do more 1 on 1 stuff.

Nursery is fab and they get to do loads of messy creative things that I realistically just won't have the energy for after being up in the night with a newborn. They get outdoor play for 2 hours everyday, and he will get the level of attention he is used to.

The people I have mentioned it to at work have been horrified, however they all have family who have their children when they are at work, and who will have them for a few hours at the weekend and overnight, not to mention partners who work 9-5 (or less in teaching! Yes, yes, I know they have loads of work to do when they get home yadda yadda yadda) whereas DH will be out min 8-8 everyday plus do more work at home, and we have no one to help out. This makes all the difference I think.

Original poster

MarmiteMagic · 31/01/2012 17:09

Cm has also become such a part of all our lives it would feel a bit odd if she wasn't around anymore. I can't imagine leaving dd2 with anyone else when I go back to work.

When I was PG with dd2 cm had me put PJ's and bath stuff in dd1's bag so that if I went into labour late afternoon she could bath DD and put her in her jammies so she was all ready for my parents when they came to get her (they live two hours away). And she had no problem keeping DD until whenever they could get there. When I go to collect DD it regularly takes 20 mins or so because we're having a good chat, nearly all about DD. It doesn't seem like just a job to her, she really cares. Losing that scares me.

OP posts:

Original poster

MarmiteMagic · 31/01/2012 17:13

Totally agree shhhh - dd2 does seem to get sidelined when dd1 is around. Not intentionally obv, but dd1 is just so much noisier and in your face!

And when would she get one on one mummy time? In the middle of the night doesn't exactly count!

OP posts:

whackamole · 31/01/2012 17:19

I send both my boys to nursery and I am on mat leave. I don't feel remotely guilty about it.

I had to pay a fortune in deposits etc when they started, I am not prepared to do that again in a few months when I go back to work. Plus, they enjoy nursery and it gives me the chance to a) have some time with the baby and b) have some time by myself!

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