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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to question this woman at the nursery?

67 replies

CumberdickBendybatch · 31/01/2012 09:56

Just dropped DS off at preschool. As I opened a door a woman I'd not seen before tried to walk past me into the building. We've been asked not to let people in without asking them who they are (reasonable request, but not a particularly easy thing to do in reality!)

I asked her if she was there to pick-up her child, she gave me a filthy look and said "I'm here to see ". She was obviously really offended but I don't think I did anything out of order? (Did I??)

I said "No need to look at me like that, I'm not just going to let a random stranger into my kids nursery" and walked to my car. She stood in the doorway giving me daggers as I left.

No I wish I'd not let her in at all - I did see the manager as I was leaving, so no issue there. Tempted to query it when I pick up DS though.

OP posts:
MissPenteuth · 31/01/2012 10:01

YANBU. I can't understand why she'd be so offended if she was there with a genuine purpose, and surely anyone with common sense would realise that you were right to be cautious about letting a 'stranger' in.

P.S. I love your name! Makes me giggle everytime I see it.

MateyMooo · 31/01/2012 10:02

good on ya! i'd have pulled her up too.

Keep up the good work!

Original poster
CumberdickBendybatch · 31/01/2012 10:05

She was SO offended though, the look she gave me was horrible... I'm actually worried she thought I was being racist :(

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Original poster
CumberdickBendybatch · 31/01/2012 10:05

MissPenteuth - thanks! It makes me giggle too Grin

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startail · 31/01/2012 10:07

You can't win on this one, we all let people in and out at school as do the children. The security keeps Ofsted quiet, but drives the rest of us mad.

The worst one I've come across was the local children's ward. The door was out of sight of the nursers down a corridor and it could be ten minutes before anyone opened it.Of course people let each other in, or closed it so it didn't lock. Our children didn't like their parent vanishing for ages.
Why not a camera and a remote switch back to the nursers station.

Bloodymary · 31/01/2012 10:09

Good for you OP, and if this woman were to really think about, (I am presuming she has a child/children), then she would probably agree that you were correct in questioning her.

Original poster
CumberdickBendybatch · 31/01/2012 10:17

I have no idea if she has children - she was on her own, my main reason for questioning her. If I let someone in behind me I always recognise them/their car/the child.

Next time I won't let anybody in - if they're going to get pissed off anyway I may as well err on the side of caution Grin

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DeWe · 31/01/2012 10:33

I don't know, if you questioned her and she was coming in on dodgy grounds she probably had a reason like "seeing the manager" ready to hand. If you question then you should have been ready to take it up and check it was correct.

I've closed the door before into a secure complex and told them they'll have to buzz as I've no authority to let them in. (and then jumped into the car quickly before he could hit me)

TimothyClaypoleLover · 31/01/2012 10:37

OP, you did the right thing so don't give it a second thought. At my DD's nursery you are not supposed to let people you don't know in and I am more than happy with this, even though I wasn't let in once because a new member of staff didn't recognise me. Security should be paramount.

IUseTooMuchKitchenRoll · 31/01/2012 10:39

If she was a genuine visitor she wouldn't have minded.

At the nursery I used to work in, we got this quite a lot. The nursery is based in a village hall and so there were regularly people who wanted to come in to use the toilet, or get something out or their clubs store cupboard or whatever. They used to get mightily offended when we refused them access, but tough shit. Our duty is to safeguard the children, not to unlock the hall and wait for any passing villiagers who might want a wee.

Original poster
CumberdickBendybatch · 31/01/2012 10:42

DeWe - you're completely right, I do wish I hadn't let her in now.

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minimisschief · 31/01/2012 10:46

i used to walk out the door and shut it right behind me even when someone was stood outside the door waiting.

might have been a bit rude but i wasnt a member of staff so it wasn't up to me to let people in.

WorraLiberty · 31/01/2012 10:46

Exactly what DeWe said.

What's the point in that rule? I mean you did end up letting a stranger in.

I think a 'Don't let anyone in' rule would make more sense...so only staff deal with people entering.

Original poster
CumberdickBendybatch · 31/01/2012 10:48

I'd seen the manager in the back though Worra, so I was happy to leave her in the reception area rather than cause a ruckus (and the manager had seen her).

But.. she did walk straight past me - short of pushing her out there wouldn't have been much I could do.

If it happens again I will close the door behind me and be careful not to let anybody sidle past.

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lynniep · 31/01/2012 10:52

YANBU and these rules exist for an (obvious!) reason.
Whilst I find it uncomfortable, I never let anyone I dont know into the nursery. If they are loitering about the main gate, I ask them who they've come to see and let them know I'll go in and find someone to come and get them. I close the gate behind me as well. If they have an ounce of common sense they'll understand why its necessary.

fedupofnamechanging · 31/01/2012 11:13

YANBU. I would not be comfortable letting a complete stranger into the building where my children were. Security exists for a reason. In our school you have to be buzzed in by the secretary and can't get into the school unless it's via her office.

canuck43 · 31/01/2012 11:21

In our granddaughters nursery in MEXICO, all parents have a swipe card for entry, a notice in reception tells you dont come without the card you wont get your child. Visitors are buzzed in via the intercom in reception.

Original poster
CumberdickBendybatch · 31/01/2012 11:37

Right, so consensus is that IANBU for confronting her, but IABU for letting her in at all.

I'm going to speak to the manager when I get there and maybe clarify the situation. I'm also wondering if this woman was there for an interview Confused and am nosy Wink

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MrsWuh · 31/01/2012 22:19

Blimey, I'm amazed at the answers here. It wouldn't even occur to me to try to stop someone entering my son's school just because I didn't recognise them - what a totally bizarre and misplaced bossy, interfering attitude! Shock There are hundreds of potential reasons for that lady to be there. If someone referred to me as a "random stranger" and implied that I was up to no good, I'd certainly be staring daggers at them - bl**dy cheek!!! And then you even want to question the manager about it later? What the heck does it have to do with you? Who on Earth do you think you are?

It's down to the nursery / pre-school staff to police their premises and keep the children in their care safe. If you don't trust them to do that on your behalf, maybe you should think about sending your children elsewhere?

fedupofnamechanging · 31/01/2012 22:25

You don't give up parental responsibility the moment your kids cross the threshold of school/nursery. I think it is absolutely the parents business to double check on strangers entering the premises. It's up to everyone to help keep the kids safe.

StealthPolarBear · 31/01/2012 22:29

Mrswuh, one of the ways they tend to do that is by requesting that parents don't let people in behind them. It's fairly common.

TastesLikePanda · 31/01/2012 22:29

I visit a lot of nurseries on a proffesional basis and all of them have signs up telling you not to let anyone into the building with you and that staff are the only people who can authorise access. This is difficult at times, and I have actually ended up hovering down the road so as not to look like i'm following someone in, and I always wait to get buzzed in by a staff member.

I think, Mrswuh, that you have slightly over-reacted there...

lifesalongsong · 31/01/2012 22:38

It is very uncomfortable to challenge someone in this situation but I think you did the right thing OP and any good nursery manager should be very pleased that you were vigilant.

When I went to nursery and a playgroup the parents were regularly reminded not to let people they didn't know into the building. I've also worked in offices were we were asked to make sure strangers didn't try to follow us into the buildings through doors with combination locks.

aldiwhore · 31/01/2012 22:42

Much as I loathe a jobsworth, when it comes to children, that's the hat you have to wear.

We've got spangly new gates at our pre-school, its like prison, so much I expected vinegar tits to search me on entry. There's a buzzer and two gates.. all very lovely for the kids who like to climb the fencing and ring the bell (10000 times) and even though a stranger is unlikely to get past gate 2, no one will let someone they don't recongnise through.

Its all very pleasant and most parents and guardians have grasped that its not personal.. you still get the odd one, you got it Cumberdickbendybatch YWNBU at all.

In an Nursery/Preschool you also have the added armour to your argument that you don't know all the parents and couldn't possibly!

I would have a word with a senior staff member JUST so she can reiterate the message that's its not just about your child's security but the mardy woman's too!

Original poster
CumberdickBendybatch · 31/01/2012 22:48

"Blimey, I'm amazed at the answers here. It wouldn't even occur to me to try to stop someone entering my son's school just because I didn't recognise them - what a totally bizarre and misplaced bossy, interfering attitude!"

First of all, it's a PRE-school, not a school, so security is understandably tighter.
Secondly of all they've ASKED us to challenge people who try and 'tailgate' into the building, and to not let them in if we don't recognise them.

The manager told me today that (aside from the obvious issues with strangers roaming around a nursery/preschools) he dreads the day that a parent lets in someone else and it turns out to be the Ofsted inspector as it could cause very serious issues for them.

Turns out that it was a parent that used to have a child at the nursery - but she didn't have an appointment and she shouldn't have been in the building. I was very much in the wrong letting her in. I will not be holding the door for anybody that I don't know in future.

Now, "It's down to the nursery / pre-school staff to police their premises and keep the children in their care safe. If you don't trust them to do that on your behalf, maybe you should think about sending your children elsewhere?"

No. It's down to everybody who comes into contact with the children. What if the door had been left open and a child wandered out and someone like you deemed it the job of the teachers and didn't do anything about it?

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