to how you respond to parenting "advice"?

[DozyNosy]

On a scale ranging from diplomatic to a firm MYOB to outright bitchy bluntness, how do you respond to unwanted parenting advice? I haven't even given birth yet and it's incessant. If it's a well meant one off, then maybe just nod and smile but what if it's frequent interfering, and sometimes quite frankly ridiculous.

Just a few examples;
"Do midwives still do house inspections?" looking around my clean and tidy living room like this
"Leave the baby to nap in the garden, just pop in a hot water bottle in winter, if she fusses then you won't have to listen"
"Breast milk isn't enough for newborns they'll get thirsty"
"If you don't wean before 6 months they'll be malnourished"
"Holding a baby too much, slings, feeding on demand and having them sleep in your room at first spoils a baby, it's keeping them too close"

I know that often it's a matter of opinion, and people just want to help. I'll happily listen to family and friends, books, heath care professionals and of course MN. I don't want to be told what to do, I'm already starting to feel judged and insulted. I want to workout what is best for me and DD taking bits from here and there, nothing is set in stone for me, but I want my choices respected.

I always seem to think of good things to say when it's to late. I need some stock go to responses for various people. And for one repeat offender, naming no names , maybe something I can say that will stop her for once an for all without insulting her and destroying any relationship between me, her and DP. DP will not say anything to her, he hates confrontation. Do I just have to bite my tonge, nod and smile? I can only see things getting worse from here.

Disclaimer: This was not intended to be a MIL bashing thread. As much as she gets on my tits, I don't have a bad relationship with her she is not exactly a toxic MIL. I do need to know how to deal with this in general not just with her.

Say something like 'that's a good idea' and change the subject.

Make sure you are confident in what you do so that the topic is not always about parenting choices (which gets boring and tedious anyway ).

I used to smile, nod and ignore.

My midwife told me there are only a few people I should listen to and that's my Mum, my MIL, my GP and my best friend. She said even then, I should never feel obliged to take advice just because I'd been given it.

It's held me in good stead over the years and I have 3 healthy boys to show for it

'Everyone does it differently, im sure we'll be fine'

this works with everything, that way its not critical of their way either.

and before accepting and implementing advice look at how its worked with their own children, it can be enlightening and hilarious!

Smile and nod. some of it you might find useful and other bits not. Most people are only trying to help so no point in getting stressed about it.

I would be tempted to say 'oh you think so? We're actually going to be doing that aren't we (DP)?'

sorry thread title should have read "to ask how..."

Worra you always seem to have sound advice.
Ragwort and PregolaLola good ideas, very tactful.

I know I don't have to listen, maybe I'm just been a bit over sensitive, DD is due tomorrow.

Fuck OFF! is a good go-to response and it invites no discussion around the subject

I do? I advised myself earlier to give up drinking but then I thought, 'wait don't listen to her...she's drunk'

Best of luck with the birth, you'll soon be cuddling your little bundle and not giving a rat's arse about what anyone else advises you anyway!

worra

Thank you I can't wait.
And YY you do. Have my share of Worra, under the pretence that you would be helping me out. See you are ever so helpful.

The things I do for people....

pmsl @worra! :o

personally - unwarranted and unsolicited advice (re: my pregnancy weight, my feeding choices, the state of my house, should I eat any sort of cheese, was I being precious if I decided not to go pot-holing, and the fact that my- life will never be the same again - go figure.) advice made me want to rip off their heads and poo down their neck.

But even with pregancy and postnatal hormones I somehow remained tactful.

Some of it was useful, and I took it on board thankfully - I found it really helpful! All sorts of stuff!

Sometimes though - certain people just had their own agenda specifically to make my teeth itch/grip my shit. I perfected an enthusiastic nod "Thats really interesting! Thanks for that!" whilst resolving to strike them off my Christmas card list...

It didn't last long! Once the boys were thriving, and I felt more confident, I could nod enthusiastically without my arsehole going into spasm..

Aaah! they are 14 & 8 now - so I rarely get unsolicited advice :o I think they look hardy and well adjusted enough... :o

Nod and smile. Nod and smile.

I find it useful to pay attention to people's kids when they are giving advice.

The people with the feral kids are always the ones offering unsolicited advice, I can only assume that misery loves company.

When I have sought advice it has always been from people whose kids are nice.

Nod and smile is definitely the way to go. I found that the people who really had sensible advice to give never forced their opinions on you. It was the people who had the most bizarre suggestions that banged on and on. My former MIL and her sisters would come up with some truly batshit barmy instructions advice based on their experiences in the 1940s/50s of which the most ludicrous was:

"Aren't you training him yet? You should start lifting him now or he'll never be out of nappies" - this of five week old ds1.

"Why isn't he out in the garden in his pram? Just brush the snow off, it won't hurt him" - of newborn ds2 in deepest midwinter after deep snowfall.

But there were, and are, helpful people out there. However, they never force information on you.

What is the obsession of my MiL with putting the pram outside in the bleeding garden? She's always banging on about it, and the study this week about vitamin D deficiency in babies being due to their lack of sunlight has added grist to her mill. To DH's credit, he pointed out loudly that since I'm formula feeding her DGS (another bone of contention) he's getting all the vitamins he needs

Actually there's a bit of advice right there - make sure your DH backs you up always and especially with your MiL!

Enjoy your newborn and seriously go with the flow - they don't come with a manual and yours will be different to everyone else's.

Pandemoniaa I thought it was just my loopy MIL that has a thing about putting babies out in the garden no mater what time of year it was.

Guess I'll get practising my "that's a good idea" smile.

Gosh, I've never bothered with being remotely tactful. My baby isn't even here yet, but my belly seems to act like an ad saying 'advice sought' - I was peacefully sitting on a wall by the sea this afternoon, mnding my own business, when a total stranger approached me and after a brief exchange about the weather started telling me about how to do breast massage so I wouldn't get mastitis, and how not to neglect my partner during the first few months. I asked whether she had aural hallucinations, as she appeared to be under the impression I had asked for her input on these issues.

"aural hallucinations"!!!! Good one!

A baby is an advice magnet. I settled for saying that there were as many ways of bringing up babies as there are babies and that we had decided on xyz. If people were repetitive/ insistent then I'd say that I had listened but decided on a different approach for us and would they please respect that.

Good luck, hope your dd arrives soon and nothing much else will matter.

Depends on my mood.

If I'm feeling evil, then things like "oh. Don't you think my home is clean?" (in really worried tone) cos watching them try to backtrack is fun.

Or a very bored sounding "really"

Or the tactful "thanks for your opinion"

Or the kind "really? "

or the more passive aggressive "Thanks for your input, I'll certainly consider it when making my decisions."

or the week before my period "When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you." / "What the hell is THAT supposed to mean?" / "Why are you telling me this?"

OP there is no hope, you think it will stop with advice for you about the baby, wait 'til the baby is here! Then you will get advice on your own boobs (such as HardCheese) and I have had "are your breasts sore, why don't you try blah", random presents bits of shit and yes still the "leave it at the bottom of the garden", "feed it baby rice with the top cut off the teat so it fits through".

I heard one the other day where PIL was trying to feed Sweet Chili Sauce to a baby born in October

Actually there was nothing wrong with my boobs (just the fact it was said by MIL, in front of FIL) At least FIL wanted to die told her to get in the car.

I remember someone else saying to me that the reason the babies liked it outside in the garden wrapped up "in the old days", is because in reality the Parents could not actually here the baby crying because it was at the end of the garden (hence why they thought it liked it). I love this theory/suspect it's true and will be repeating it.

You will definitely get people commenting on your feeding method. In reality they are all basically out of date (my Gran has not fed a baby for over 50 years, things have changed!). This is the easiest area to tell them YOUR OPINION/CHOSEN METHOD I have found.

OP I wish you hope, your will need it. Try your breathing through it

I wish you luck I mean

Just relax-don't worry about it before the baby and over think it!

The best advice on here is smile and nod. My MIL is very sweet, but she had some strange advice. I just smiled and nodded. In the end it became a virtue to her as in 'exotic knows her own mind'-and I never had to have a cross word or any discussion to achieve this!
It is only advice and you don't have to take it.

The huge mistake that people make is thinking they have to justify, have the last word, make the person see it their way, be right etc.
There is absolutely no need for any of it. Nod, smile and ignore. They can't have a discussion unless you engage and give them a way in. If they are very persistent just add 'we are all different' and change the subject. Sound like a broken record if you have to-but don't get tempted out of the smile, nod, bland comment.

It makes me shudder & brings it all back. Especially the baby in garden thing; it was January & snowing! I nodded & smiled, a lot. Unfortunately it carried on, as she knew I was placating her (MIL By the way, so worra isn't always right, although she is mainly, drunk or not!) so I got a bit firmer & said I'd rather use my own instinct & pointed out that advice had changed due research over the last 35 years!

My mum otoh was great.

Importantly, don't do anything you feel uncomfortable with!

If it was XP's mum I just did the opposite.