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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to how you respond to parenting "advice"?

57 replies

DozyNosy · 29/01/2012 23:31

On a scale ranging from diplomatic to a firm MYOB to outright bitchy bluntness, how do you respond to unwanted parenting advice? I haven't even given birth yet and it's incessant. If it's a well meant one off, then maybe just nod and smile but what if it's frequent interfering, and sometimes quite frankly ridiculous.

Just a few examples;
"Do midwives still do house inspections?" looking around my clean and tidy living room like this
"Leave the baby to nap in the garden, just pop in a hot water bottle in winter, if she fusses then you won't have to listen"
"Breast milk isn't enough for newborns they'll get thirsty"
"If you don't wean before 6 months they'll be malnourished"
"Holding a baby too much, slings, feeding on demand and having them sleep in your room at first spoils a baby, it's keeping them too close"

I know that often it's a matter of opinion, and people just want to help. I'll happily listen to family and friends, books, heath care professionals and of course MN. I don't want to be told what to do, I'm already starting to feel judged and insulted. I want to workout what is best for me and DD taking bits from here and there, nothing is set in stone for me, but I want my choices respected.

I always seem to think of good things to say when it's to late. I need some stock go to responses for various people. And for one repeat offender, naming no names , maybe something I can say that will stop her for once an for all without insulting her and destroying any relationship between me, her and DP. DP will not say anything to her, he hates confrontation. Do I just have to bite my tonge, nod and smile? I can only see things getting worse from here.

Disclaimer: This was not intended to be a MIL bashing thread. As much as she gets on my tits, I don't have a bad relationship with her she is not exactly a toxic MIL. I do need to know how to deal with this in general not just with her.

OP posts:

lisianthus · 30/01/2012 07:43

"if my home isn't clean enough for you, the vacuum cleaner is over there". Use those bolshy pregnancy hormones to help you be a bit more direct with the more annoying and rude advice givers. Otherwise, nod, smile and do the "we all do things differently, don't we?" thing.

As an aside, I've recently come to the realisation that pregnancy hormones are nature's way of helping the more timid of us tell unsolicited advice givers to push off.

TroublesomeEx · 30/01/2012 10:51

If something was presented as an absolute then I just said "Really? I'll look into that then" if I had no idea of what to say in response. They can't argue with that can they? I haven't dismissed it, I haven't accepted it, I've just said I'll look into a bit more because I'm not taking them at face value.

If people ever said "You know, I always found that .... really worked when .... was happening" I'd try it. Because sometimes other people's advice and experience is worth listening to. If it worked, I adopted it, if it didn't the next time I saw them I'd say "Oh I tried.... and it didn't work, but then I tried .... and it did".

Don't worry about feeling judged. That feeling comes with the blue line and doesn't ever leave! All you can do is recognise that what other people say doesn't matter and then get on with what you think is best!

Xmasbaby11 · 30/01/2012 10:58

Just say thanks, you appreciate their opinion. If they persist, explain the opposite viewpoint with supporting evidence. Don't argue, just say, it's interesting there's always an opposite opinion.

Some advice IS useful and there's no reason to think that modern parenting methods are necessarily the best. I listen to all opinions, but don't follow them all.

TroublesomeEx · 30/01/2012 11:00

Was what I was trying to say! But not quite so succinctly!!

aquashiv · 30/01/2012 13:16

bejeezus brilliant its all you need.
Never give advice in real life, unless you are being paid/asked to do so.
You will have know it alls who know nothing giving you titbits for the rest of your life am afraid.

Ambi · 30/01/2012 13:37

I never listen to advice, baby or other. People do think they're being helpful, not patronising. Try to ignore, easier said than done I know. I'm a stubborn cow and will never be told what to do, so smile as the advice-giver is blissfully unaware it's fallen on deaf ears and is wasting their breath. I refused all anti natal classes for this reason. I found all I needed to know from MN

Original poster

DozyNosy · 30/01/2012 13:52

Well thanks everyone, now that is some great and welcome advice, I've got plenty of go to answers now. I know that plenty of advice will be good advice, some of if being experienced rather than out dated, I really will take it on board. But some things like sleeping and feeding guidelines change for very good reason, but I guess if you don't have a young DC then you'r not going to be up to date with the latest research. It's just that the people that "know their way is best" and think that that's the only way things should be done tend to be the ones that are most persistent with their advice. I guess that's just life though.

Whoever (sorry can't find you now) said feeling judged starts when you get a blue line, that is so true and I know it'll carry on for some time to come till DD is an adult and maybe beyond.

MIL has already asked to have DD to stay overnight, which I know is well meant. However this will definitely not be happening for quite a while no matter what she says. I'm very conscious not to try and teach her to suck eggs as it were as, as obviously she managed to bring up DP. But hopefully MIL will eventually listen to at least some of what I say, after all DD is mine not hers.

I know it's a bit off subject but what is the MN consensus on others looking after your DC. "My DC so what I say goes" or "your house so your rules"?

I really am over thinking this aren't I, sorry I'm feeling really on edge at the moment and ridiculously hormonal.

OP posts:

MamaLazarou · 30/01/2012 13:52

I just say, 'Thank you for your input' and then just carry on. It is curt but not rude.

cuteboots · 30/01/2012 13:57

The comments I find the hardest to take are from my sister in law. Her parenting skills left alot to be desired so when she hands out advice to me Im always polite but cant help but think she could have used some of her own tips!

RealitySickOfSick · 30/01/2012 14:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CheshireDing · 30/01/2012 14:19

Personally for me it would be "my DC, my rules", end of.

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 30/01/2012 14:22

I just say "thank you for your input" and then change the subject. I usually refuse to get into any discussions with the person about it or to give any explanations about why I do things the way I do.

Or, turn it round to being a compliment. With the midwife house inspection comment you could say "I know, I'm really pleased I'm keeping on top of the housework, it's a doddle really"

bejeezus · 30/01/2012 14:27

Depends what you are talking about specifically as to whether 'my house my rules' or 'my dc my rules'

Do you mean regarding behaviour? If so I would advise putting on a dvds and relaxing on the sofa for now, and revisiting that in a year or so x

TroublesomeEx · 30/01/2012 14:27

My DCs, my rules.

If it's a friend doing me a favour, I'd be a bit more flexible. And was very flexible with our CM because she was fab. I didn't really care what she did, I trusted her completely.

bejeezus · 30/01/2012 14:33

If they are at someone else's house and that person has stricter behaviour rules, then it is house rules. Or for different tea-time etiquette then house rules. Or for example friend has taken my dc out for day trip then what friend says goes. Can't expect people to welcome your dcs if they don't do as they are asked. Obviously you have to trust the adults judgement

LikeAnAdventCandleButNotQuite · 30/01/2012 14:34

What I find the absolute worst is once the baby's here, and people give you parenting advice via the baby, eg

"Ooooh, look at that eye, mummy should be putting nice cooled boil,ed water on that every morning shouldn't she now, yes"

Argh!!!!!!

If I ask, then your advice will be listened to, considered and may even tried out. If I dont ask, your advice will fall on deaf ears.

Im on holiday next week with family including one particularly vocal uncle who hasn't had kids yet deems everything I do unsuitable. Every time he says 'have you tried' or 'you shouldnt be doing that' I am simply going to plonk the baby on him and ask him to show me what he would like to do to get her to stop crying. God help him. And my DD.

Idontknowhowtohelpher · 30/01/2012 14:35

When my son was born 25 years ago my health visitor told me to respond to unwanted comments by saying "oh, but that isn't ds's routine". There was so much respect for his (non existant) routine that it shut practically eveyone up

EdithWeston · 30/01/2012 14:36

Listen, and respond politely (or smile and nod).

Even mad old bats sometimes have interesting/useful nuggets, if not now then perhaps later and you never know what's round the corner...

bachsingingmum · 30/01/2012 14:40

Smile, nod, ignore.
I had to do that with the district midwife with my 1st. She told me not to use baby oil (I wasn't going to anyway) because "it leaches their vitamins. Use olive oil instead".
My DM (retired midwife) struggled to retain her composure while whispering "we'd better get some oregano to rub in".
LOL - we did when she'd left!

HuggyPomBear · 30/01/2012 14:46

Its great when you have the baby and he/she reacts to the advice for you! Last night, DD was up late a she'd stayed awake on a drive home. so capitalising on this, we popped into the shops with DD in her pjs and sleeping bag and got some essentials otherwise it would have been no breakfast this morning. It was about 2030. A woman in the queue behind me started 'advising' me that it was too late to have my baby up and did I not care about her sleep. DD turned to look at her and the wheezing 60 a day old hag lady said 'awww' and tried to engage DD. DD just gave her a really contemptuous stare and turned back to me and tucked her head into my neck . I didn't have to say anything!!

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 30/01/2012 14:56

Huggypombear I would have told that woman to fuck the fuck off. How bloody rude of her!

HuggyPomBear · 30/01/2012 15:07

Hex

Original poster

DozyNosy · 30/01/2012 15:49

HuggyPomBear Sorry, I must apologise for my "D"GMIL (it really does sound like her), she really is a nasty old hag, 10 times worse that any MIL. Just ignore her, nobody (not even) MIL listen to her stupendously ridiculous ideas.

Hex

bejeezus Mon re "My DC, what I say say goes" or "your house, your rules" I don't really mean behaviour or the households routine, that's a long way off, and agree that a lot of that is down to whoever is looking after her. But more my DD's feeding, sleeping, unattended pets and smoking around DC etc. If it's things that could actually cause harm to DD then surely it is "what I say goes, no negotiations". I have feeling these will be recurring issues and if so I'm not keen on leaving my DD alone with them, even if that does seem very PFB to some people.

OP posts:

bejeezus · 30/01/2012 16:24

Yes, definitely, they should respect how you are raising your dc. Particularly smoking and pets as examples. My parents didn't stick to my sleeping'routine' when they had dd1. I accept this because they had her every week for a night whilst I worked and so it had to work for them. Also I use the ter 'roiutine' loosely!

My parents also introduced sweets before I wanted them to but I let it go, it want harm dc, they spend a lot of time with them. I think it is important to choose your battles.

I would be unwavering regarding smoking and unsupervised dogs

DartsAgain · 30/01/2012 16:58

I only offer advice when asked for it. And I offer just one piece of general advice, again only if asked. Which is that you get given loads of advice from many people, just use what works and ignore the rest. Cos each child and mum is different and we don't all respond the same way to things.

If asked for specific stuff, I simply relate what worked for me and the DCs, again each DC was different. If it works for the person who asked, great, if not, there are other options available . I've never given advice as a definite "you must do this".

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