Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

She wants to bring her own food to the dinner I am cooking?!?!?!

92 replies

MumofAurelia · 29/01/2012 18:17

ffs!
To set the scene, I cook, a lot, some of it for profit, cooking dinner parties for people. I have never, ever had a complaint and have lots of repeat business. I especially love cooking for my friends, we all chip in, they challenge me to make something tricky, it is something we have done for about 20 years as it saves us lots of money on restaurant bills.

One friend, who is turning 40, has asked me to cook a Thai meal for our group of friends, we have been good friends since 11, holidayed together, are godparents for each others kids, executors for each others parents wills etc etc. Siblings rather than mates really and it is a lovely thing.
One of the group has a much older girlfriend, she never, ever comes out if any of the ones who have kids is there (her own, totally understandable self protection reasons)
But she says that she is coming to this meal, which tbh would be nice as she is really good fun and my friend loves her dearly. I am going to cook for 12, there are 3 meat, 3 fish, 3 vegetarian dishes plus rice on the menu which has been published to everyone to make sure the favourites are on there. One of the reasons for selecting Thai is that it is something we all like, the veg dishes selected are ones she orders when out.
But I now have a message, via someone else in the group that she will bring her own food, so I don't have to make a special effort for her. Apart from not eating meat or fish she has no allergies we know about.

AIBU to be insulted? AIBUto think she should eat what I cook? AIBU to bother with the silly cow at all as she probably won't turn up anyway? AIBU to think she is just fucking rude?!?!?!

OP posts:

Sausagedog27 · 29/01/2012 18:31

It could be the money thing - esp as it said that you do things for 'profit' perhaps she just doesn't have the money at the moment but still wants to meet up with everyone so this is her compromise?

Sometimes I resent having to pay for stuff that I'm not too bothered about, and would rather spend my money elsewhere?

ItWasABoojum · 29/01/2012 18:31

Rude, yes, but probably not intentionally so. She could well be trying to be nice and not put you out - if she's shy and a bit socially awkward she may not have worded it very well, or something may have been lost when the message was passed on, but either way I think you should speak to her before flying off the handle.

fuzzypeach1750 · 29/01/2012 18:32

I must be being really thick tonight as I don't understand why everyone is having a go at the OP?

BIWI · 29/01/2012 18:32

You need to find out why before you decide if she's being rude.

She could be on a diet. Thai food uses a lot of sugar, and as well as the rice/noodles it's a really tricky cuisine if you're trying to low carb, for example.

Spidermama · 29/01/2012 18:33

It's her shit not yours. Relax. She's the one we should all feel sorry for not you.
If that's what she needs to happen then let it be. No skin off your arse. One less to cook for.

IUseTooMuchKitchenRoll · 29/01/2012 18:33

There are issues surrounding food that are not about allergies or vegetarianism you know.

Original poster

MumofAurelia · 29/01/2012 18:33

Ok, more detail
The veggie dishes chosen are ones she eats when out
No, she is not on a special diet, not one that the man she lives with knows about (yeah, I know, that may not mean anything)
About me? Well I am cooking, I was asked to cook this menu especially for my friend who has gone to great lengths to make sure that there is something that everyone likes.
No, everyone is not chipping in on this one, the birthday boy is picking up the tab as the host of the party.

No, she did not volunteer to bring a snack, she will bring 'her meal'.

Reading your comments, I do see I could do with relaxing on this one a little lol!

OP posts:

mercibucket · 29/01/2012 18:34

Maybe she has mental health issues

LydiaWickham · 29/01/2012 18:34

Can you call her, tell her that you are making the veggie dishes anyway, it could be she thinks you're going to a lot of trouble just for her. Or you could ask what she's planning on bringing and see if it "fits" with what you're making, one less dish to worry about.

Or could it be that you always 'monopolise' the cooking and it might be nice to let someone else take a turn?

BIWI · 29/01/2012 18:34

I went out last week and one of our friends didn't eat or drink anything, as she is following The Lipotrim diet (all meals substituted with shakes).

It was just nice to have her there, and to enjoy her company.

JerichoStarQuilt · 29/01/2012 18:38

Don't jump in and judge her on the basis of a message from someone else - especially one that says it's because she doesn't want you to go to trouble.

I would assume that she is genuinely concerned her dietary requirements are a pain and is worried about you feeling you have to accommodate them. I wouldn't assume anything else unless I'd spoken to her personally.

The other point - please don't take this as a criticism, because I am sure you are an excellent cook, but it is still possible she doesn't really like what you cook. Why not send her a friendly email, say you've got a message via someone else and want to check what's going on?

WMDinthekitchen · 29/01/2012 18:39

Just ask her if she is allergic or intolerant to anything. You know her, just ask. Or, make it light hearted - 'I hope you don't think I'm, trying to poison you?' It doesn't seem like a huge deal to me but it has obviously upset you.

OriginalJamie · 29/01/2012 18:39

I think people who love cooking do get quite emotional about it, understandably. One of my DC was v fussy, much much better now. But I know a certain relative found it v difficult to understand, and saw it as a personal insult.

Not that we know if this is an issue here

Maybe she's a "nutter"

marriedinwhite · 29/01/2012 18:39

You have said that she doesn't often go out yet on this occasion she is going out. I think there are things going on with this lady, possibly mental health/self esteem issues that you know nothing about. It is odd, but it also sounds as though she is making a huge effort to join in for this occasion and for her friend. I think you should all welcome her and accept her for exactly herself with her faults and foibles as well as her friendship and makeher feel very very welcome and support her so that she might feel able to join in other occasions too. Please don't scare her off for trying so hard.

OriginalJamie · 29/01/2012 18:40

Also, if you really like her, and she's nice, I think even more reason to NOT assume it's intentional rudeness

MrsSchadenfreude · 29/01/2012 18:41

Rude.

I did a gluten free birthday party for DD1 once when she was little as one of her friends was coeliac, and I wanted him to be able to eat everything and enjoy the party. I told the Mum I was doing this, and she still brought his own food anyway, as she "didn't trust me to get it right." I told her what I was making beforehand, the flour I was using, the sausages were being specially made - I took advice from next door, whose DD was also coeliac - she knew this, and still brought her own food. I felt as if I had gone to a lot of effort and expense for nothing.

but do what fuzzypeach says, I think that's a good way forward.

rookiemater · 29/01/2012 18:42

Yup sounds like she is on a special diet.
I wouldn't email her or enquire further, she has said what she wants to do, you aren't the host of the party so no further action is required.

If she is a person that you genuinely like, don't see why it should be an issue.

GinSlinger · 29/01/2012 18:42

I think she's being rude in not speaking to you or the host directly.

birdsofshoreandsea · 29/01/2012 18:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NoOnesGoingToEatYourEyes · 29/01/2012 18:45

I think it does sound a bit odd at best and quite rude at worst.

How does the friend whose party it is feel? He's picking up the bill and decided on the menu and you have sorted out dishes you know she would order in a restaurant.

Who was the someone else who told you she was bringing her own food? Did she ask them to tell you what she was doing?

I would continue as you are, because from your first post I thought you were just preparing a selection of dishes for everyone to help themselves from. She can then bring or not bring whatever she likes and she will be the one who appears odd if people wonder why she bothered.

If she's dismissing your food without even tasting it then you have nothing to be offended about. I can understand why you felt annoyed about it but she has nothing to base this behaviour on so I'd just accept that it's her own issue and concentrate on having a good time regardless. I'm sure you'll get lots of compliments from everyone else at the meal and perhaps that will make her wonder what she's missing.

SiamoNellaMerda · 29/01/2012 18:46

It all sounds perfectly ghastly. Why don't you all just go out for a meal? Thai is not something that can be cooked at home the way it is in a restaurant and if you really are any kind of cook you will know that. All it will be is home cooked Thai - not the same thing at all. Maybe she knows this and doesn't fancy it.

VillaEphrussi · 29/01/2012 18:47

I'm sure it's not a criticism of your cooking, OP. I have done what this woman has done before actually. I'm vegetarian and have a bit of food-phobia/ old-ED which is particularly difficult when I'm eating something cooked by somebody else. It can be excruciatingly embarrassing when I'm confronted by a meal lovingly cooked for me, but if you have this kind of reflex it's impossible to suppress. If I bring my own meal I feel so much more relaxed and able to enjoy the evening. This might or might not be her issue. It's totally not your fault... but also not your problem!

Bestb411pm · 29/01/2012 18:47

I think you need to speak to her directly.

It could be anything from a phobia, to wanting to contribute, to an allergy and variations of everything in between, surely as a friend you can tactfully get to the bottom of why she's bringing her own food and perhaps even gently help her not drop a massive social clanger and have people whispering behind her back about her oddness.

MerylStrop · 29/01/2012 18:47

it's not your party, you're not hosting....so not your prerogative to get insulted

it sounds to me like she has some issues, that she struggles to enjoy socialising...maybe this is the dealbreaker on her being able to go...leave it, be kind.

CrispLeCrisp · 29/01/2012 18:48

My mil does this as she's vegetarian and thinks she is trying to be helpful. I just say to her it's no problem and we will cater for that. So far she's never pushed it.

I think she is probably trying to not be an imposition, so agree with speaking to her, saying you love doing lots of different thinks and are looking forward to trying out some new veggie dishes. If she still insists I would let her just carry on.

I think you sound lovely btw and don't quite understand the level of vitriol on this thread

Flip

1 2 3 4

Swipe left for the next trending thread