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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU... to choose crushing disappointment over crippling guilt

51 replies

kickinnapants · 29/01/2012 12:46

My work has organised a three day training conference in a couple of months, which sounds like it'll be really good, I am on a very short list of invitees and I so want to go.

But DH will be away just then, on a work trip abroad, so I would have to ask our part-time nanny if she'd do a 3 overnights with our DS who will be 11 months then. Which would be expensive but manageable. But the conference will be far away (5 hours by road) which to me seems too far, so I feel I have no choice but to decline the invitation. Cue crushing disappointment.

Am I being too PFB about this? Perhaps 3 nights far away but still in the same country is just not that big a deal... What would you do?

OP posts:
IUseTooMuchKitchenRoll · 29/01/2012 12:50

I wouldn't go personally, but I don't think you would be wrong to.

Why is it you that has to think about not going though? Your dh has as much responsibility as you do, and could stay home too.

sharenicely · 29/01/2012 12:51

No don't understand the problem, you trust your nanny to look after them during the day so what's the difference?
I understand you'll miss your ds but I wouldn't feel guilty as a one off.

Birdsgottafly · 29/01/2012 12:54

Depending on how many hours contact your nanny has with your DS and the age he was when she started,he will see her as a primary carer (as well as you), so if you are worried about 'damaging' him, he won't be.

It is totally upto you.

TuesdayNightClub · 29/01/2012 12:58

You will miss your DS but it sounds like a good opportunity. I would probably go if I were in your shoes, but it really depends what you are comfortable with.

If I were you I would go, and not feel guilty, therefore choosing neither disappointment nor guilt! Smile

overmydeadbody · 29/01/2012 13:01

If you make the decision to go, you musn't feel guilty about it.

If your DS knows the nanny well, and it is a one off, and it will improve your prospects by having the training, then go.

I assume your DP cannot get out of his work trip?

plainwhitet · 29/01/2012 13:01

I think you should go but how about missing one of the nights? the first is usually a bit of a muddle at these things so why not turn up very early on day 1 thereby leaving your baby for just two nights. Or miss the last night. Is that a possibility? Or could your husband cut off a night of his trip? But do go.

attheendoftheday · 29/01/2012 13:03

I wouldn't go, but I don't think you'd be wrong to go.

PosieParker · 29/01/2012 13:03

I wouldn't go.

Thumbwitch · 29/01/2012 13:04

Silly question but could you not take your nanny and the baby with you? If she's able to do the 3 nights of course.
That way you'd still see your DS in the evenings but have the nanny look after him during the day while you're at the conference.
Just an idea.

ninedragons · 29/01/2012 13:07

I was thinking the same as Thumbwitch.

overmydeadbody · 29/01/2012 13:12

I just thought that too Thumbwitch.

abbierhodes · 29/01/2012 13:13

I wouldn't have gone at that age. Tbh, I wouldn't go for three nights now(without DH being at home), and my eldest is 7. I just think it's too long to be without a parent.

However, I know many disagree with me, and you clearly want to go. Like someone else said, has the importance of your DH's trip been weighed against the importance of yours? Because it shouldn't be presumed that you'll be the one to miss out.

fedupofnamechanging · 29/01/2012 13:13

I like Thumbwitch's idea. Failing that, can your dh not rearrange his work trip. It's his baby too, so not your sole responsibility to come up with a solution.

TheSecondComing · 29/01/2012 13:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FizzyLaces · 29/01/2012 13:27

Great idea - take them with you. Problem solved! I suppose it will curtail your networking in the evening, but for me that would be a good thing as I would probably get drunk and make a twat of myself because I was missing home so much Grin

Ephiny · 29/01/2012 13:33

I agree with the point others have raised - does your DH feel guilty about going on his work trip, or has he considered trying to get out of it?

If you think your DS would be OK and happy enough being looked after by the nanny, I think you should go. It sounds like this is something you really want to do, and a good opportunity for you. No need to feel guilty.

randommoment · 29/01/2012 13:35

First of all, your DS will not miss you for three nights - although you will miss him and may not get the most out of the training as a result. At least he may miss you a bit but not enough to emotionally scar him for life etc! If you trust your nanny to care for him for hours and hours, and she's been part of your lives for a good long time, then you know that she will cope beautifully.
Would work cough to bring nanny and baby too?

ivykaty44 · 29/01/2012 13:37

I like Thumbwitch's idea

When we used to do block bookings rooms where 30 pounds per night for business against 120 pounds per night rack rate. So check out ways to get a good deal, your company may assist you with getting a good price for the room..

Haziedoll · 29/01/2012 13:40

Like a lot of the other posters, I wouldn't go but I think it's perfectly acceptable to go.

I don't think I would take nanny and baby, might be unsettling for baby and personally I would find it distracting, might also be a pain for your nanny entertaining a baby in a strange place.

Does the employment contract allow for overnight care, is your nanny likely to have an issue with this?

ivykaty44 · 29/01/2012 13:45

Haziedoll - I think you will find that there are 5-6 posters that wouldn't go out of around 20 posts

That's not a lot in my book - perhaps it is in yours?

neuroticmumof3 · 29/01/2012 13:54

I would go. I would also see if it's not possible for DH to change his plans, as someone else said why should it be only your responsibility to come up with a solution?

flyingspaghettimonster · 29/01/2012 13:57

I would consider 5-6 out of 20 'quite a lot' ... and make it 7 as I would never do it myself. Wouldn't say it is wrong or guilt-worthy though... I just wouldn't enjoy the trip so there wouldn't be a point.

SarahStratton · 29/01/2012 14:00

Make it 8, I wouldn't go either.

PomBearAtTheGatesOfDoom · 29/01/2012 14:02

Book a room for the nanny and DS at the same hotel or one nearby.

chickydoo · 29/01/2012 14:02

Do you have a close friend or family member who could stay in your house with your nanny while you are away? a second pair of hands, and someone you trust will give your child lots of love while you are away.