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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU... to choose crushing disappointment over crippling guilt

51 replies

kickinnapants · 29/01/2012 12:46

My work has organised a three day training conference in a couple of months, which sounds like it'll be really good, I am on a very short list of invitees and I so want to go.

But DH will be away just then, on a work trip abroad, so I would have to ask our part-time nanny if she'd do a 3 overnights with our DS who will be 11 months then. Which would be expensive but manageable. But the conference will be far away (5 hours by road) which to me seems too far, so I feel I have no choice but to decline the invitation. Cue crushing disappointment.

Am I being too PFB about this? Perhaps 3 nights far away but still in the same country is just not that big a deal... What would you do?

OP posts:

TheSecondComing · 29/01/2012 14:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

campergirls · 29/01/2012 14:15

The self-righteous counting how many are among their number is not the most attractive aspect of this thread, is it? But given that flyingspaghettimonster considers a small minority 'quite a lot', probably no need to take it too seriously.

StrandedBear · 29/01/2012 14:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Haziedoll · 29/01/2012 14:21

What Ivykaty? I don't know you are getting at.

Just because I wouldn't go, I'm not saying that she shouldn't go.

I don't think it matters if 2000 people reply stating that they wouldn't go, it's up to the OP.

Haziedoll · 29/01/2012 14:22

Was supposed to say "what you are getting at" obviously.

foreverondiet · 29/01/2012 14:28

Hard one, depends on how much you trust the nanny. I'd probably only do it (assuming DH was away) if my DC could stay with a grandparent or aunt/uncle (assuming they were close) at night.

That all being said, if it was really important to go, I trusted the nanny, my DC was well bonded with the nanny, there was no one else around for the overnights etc etc then yes sounds fine.

And yes, taking the nanny with might be a good option, although downsides with this - ie what would they do all day far away from toys, friends, groups.

FlightRisk · 29/01/2012 14:31

I went away for a hen do for 2 nights when DS was a baby.

Go, if you trust your nanny will cope, go. Being a parent doesn't mean punishing yourself.

motherinferior · 29/01/2012 14:38

I'd go. Sounds like it would be great for your career, at a time when work is at a premium. But then I'm madly unmaternal anyway.

Heswall · 29/01/2012 14:39

Lucky you if you have a choice, we get two weeks notice and if you don't go and pass related exams on the day you are suspended.

Thumbwitch · 29/01/2012 14:47

If they're all going to drive there, then some of the child's toys and paraphernalia could be brought with; and the nanny could (presumably) borrow the car and drive to places of interest near the conference. I doubt it's in the middle of nowhere (although it is possible of course).

At 10mo we took DS to Australia - he loved the adventure! admittedly we stayed with him the whole time but still - if he knows his nanny and is happy in her company then it's still and adventure :)

MrsSchadenfreude · 29/01/2012 14:56

Of those of you who say they wouldn't go, how many have careers?

I'd go. You might not get the opportunity again. I had a job that involved a lot of travel when the DDs were small - I was away probably on average one or two nights a week. It didn't damage them - they were at home with their Dad or the nanny.

JuliaScurr · 29/01/2012 14:57

Bet your dh isn't doing this
This is why men get to 'the top' and women don't
I don't mean this in a snide way, I'd feel the same as op

Labootin · 29/01/2012 15:02

Agree Julia your dh clearly is n't having the same dilemma and neither should you.

Think long term... Your ds will be oblivious and you get a 3 night piss up ahem conference

travailtotravel · 29/01/2012 15:06

I must be the only one who thinks its totally inappropriate to take a nanny and a baby on a professional trip.

Think of this the other way around - what is the reaction when you ask your DH to take the baby with him on his trip?

IF the agenda for the conference has free evenings then its possible to consider it I guess, but only after discussing the situation with your company. Often you will either be expected to "network", entertain clients or even do group work for presentations during the evenings. How will you participate fully with your baby there at breaks/mealtimes as well? How will your cow-orkers react, also consider if they have similar issues to negotiate?

The other thing is what are DS and nanny going to DO? There will be nothing familiar about this place, and for three days could be just plain unsettling. I am all for adventure but if you are looking after DS all day, that's a different thing.

I would be going, without having to make a choice about guilt or disappointment. Your career and prospects with this company might depend on it and therefore your ability to contribute to the household so this is as much DH's issue as yours.

Good luck and let us know what you decide.

Kayano · 29/01/2012 15:08

I would go. Don't be a pfb martyr

MrsSchadenfreude · 29/01/2012 15:08

And what Travail says.

Ephiny · 29/01/2012 15:10

I wouldn't take the nanny/baby either. It's not as though he's going to see you much during the day anyway, and would probably be in bed by the time you've finished for the day.

And would think he'd actually be happier and more settled at home, in familiar surroundings. You'd need to think whether you were doing it for him, or for you!

Ephiny · 29/01/2012 15:11

(sorry OP, I know if wasn't you who suggested taking the baby along - just commenting on the suggestion in general :))

Original poster

kickinnapants · 29/01/2012 15:13

Wow, thanks all for the kind helpful replies, I wasn't expecting such a response!

Heswell that sounds very prescriptive from your work.

To answer some of the questions - no DH can't really get out of his work trip. I wouldn't ask him to, mostly because his work pays all our bills and my part-time work pays for the (shared) nanny and not much else. At the moment I view my job as partly an indulgence (4 mornings a week for me away from domesticity) and partly time invested in my future career. So although there's nothing wrong with DH's fathering skills and responsibility as a parent, I wouldn't ask him to mess his work about for this. Also his work trip is a much looked-forward-to exotic foreign tour.

And to those asking "what's the problem" I guess it's just the thought of being 5 hours away in the event of a crisis. And perhaps I am predisposed to a certain level of crippling guilt. DS loves his nanny, I trust her, and I'm sure she'd appreciate the extra cash.

I can't really ask the nanny to come with us as we share her with another family, it's a reasonably flexible arrangement but possibly not quite that flexible.

And my parents and PIL all live a couple of timezones away, there is one elderly aunt here in UK I can call on but it would be a huge inconvenience for her involving travel, dogsitters etc.

Seriously thanks for all the answers, I guess there is a spectrum of views from "now way would I go" to "I'd have no problem" and perhaps I am somewhere inbetween and can give it more thought.

OP posts:

WilsonFrickett · 29/01/2012 15:19

If there's really no-one nearby that can be a sort of emergency contact, then no I wouldn't. 5 hours is too far away, for me. And I did travel a lot for work when DS was that age, but DH and I were never both away at once, and my DM was 30 minutes away if there was a real emergency. I just wouldn't be comfortable with a nanny having that level of responsibility. (Although I know there's really no difference to the responsibility they have in a normal day, it just feels different to me).

JsOtherHalf · 29/01/2012 15:26

I am with the suggestion that perhaps you could travel to it for day or two? If you travelled after 6pm or so you could be there for 11pm. Good night's sleep, then spend the next day (or two) doing what needs doing?

kotuku · 29/01/2012 15:28

If your DS has a close and loving relationship your nanny, he will be fine emotionally for that length of time. Do you feel you could trust her in an emergency? If you are contactable by phone and 5 hours away I would consider going.

Original poster

kickinnapants · 29/01/2012 15:36

Wilso, yes, exactly, that is what I'm worried about. I'm not really concerned re DS's emotional state because I know he's happy with her, and would be fine as long as everything went normally. It's the what-if scenarios that would stop me from going.

And Js I'm imagining days involving 10 hours of coursework and 10 hours of driving and thinking maybe no.

OP posts:

Ghoulwithadragontattoo · 29/01/2012 15:38

I think I'd do it for the sake of improving my career. I think I'd also ask my employer if the nanny's extra fees would be covered as expenses of attending the course.

Original poster

kickinnapants · 29/01/2012 15:39

MrsS and any others who have had to do this, maybe this is for another thread, but was there ever a crisis while both you and DC's dad were away?

OP posts:

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