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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want my husband to dance with me

57 replies

joshandjamie · 29/01/2012 08:38

I know I am being unreasonable. But I can't help it. I love dancing. I don't get to do it often but when the opportunity arises, there's nothing I love more than hitting the dance floor. And I would love to be able to do that with my husband. But he can't stand it. At. All.

It's not that he can't dance, he is a very good dancer. And in fact, he really enjoys scottish country dancing on the rare occasions we get to do that. And he did dance with me for the first dance at our wedding, which was amazing - we spent weeks practising in our flat - those weeks of practising are some of my sweetest memories. On extremely rare occasions when he has been VERY drunk, he has finally felt uninhibited enough to dance - and I love those moments. I get to swirl around the dance floor with my handsome husband.

But your regular boogie - he just won't do it. And it breaks my heart.

Last night we ended up having a falling out as we had the chance to dance and I asked him to and he refused. And then he said he was sick of being made to feel guilty about not wanting to dance when he hates doing it. I really don't mean to make him feel guilty about it but I just so wish he would.

Sigh

OP posts:

MrsDmitriTippensKrushnic · 29/01/2012 08:52

I've been with DH 25 years and in that time he's danced with me once (at his sisters wedding when he was very drunk) It's sad yes, but he hates it so I don't push it and in return he doesn't nag push me to do things I'm uncomfortable with.

Why are you making such a big thing out of this? I don't mean that in a nasty way, it's just that it seems as if it's something you can't help but poke at even if it's making your DH unhappy. It must mean something more than just dancing, if you can figure out what maybe you can find a way of fulfilling it that your DH will be happy to do.

On the other hand, if it really is just wanting to dance - leave him alone. He doesn't want to do it, and it's unfair to make him feel bad over it. It's not going to make you feel good if he gives in and does it just to stop you pushing, is it?

Original poster

joshandjamie · 29/01/2012 08:56

I don't think it's something I keep pushing or making a big thing out of. Mainly because we get to dance so rarely, but I guess every time one of those rare moments do arise, I ask him if he'd like to dance and he always says no. And I think he then knows that I am disappointed so then feels guilty about it. I'm not actively trying to make him feel guilty.

And it is genuinely just about dancing. Nothing deeper than that.

OP posts:

INeverFinishAnythi · 29/01/2012 08:57

It breaks your heart? Really? Seriously? Seek help.

He sounds like a really nice guy, from how you've described him. And you sound nagging and whiny. Sorry, but you do. It would be nice if he liked to dance, but he doesn't. End of. Build a bridge and get over it!

didldidi · 29/01/2012 08:58

Stop asking - you know he doesn't like it. You're just setting yourself up for a disappointment.

SiamoNellaMerda · 29/01/2012 08:58

You know he hates it. He knows he hates it. Some people just don't like dancing. It may be time for you to accept that he will never like it and stop bloody on at him about it. He does not like it.

Xanadudoo · 29/01/2012 08:59

I do find it weird that so many British men dont dance. But this is the way he his, and you will just have to accept it. It isnt THAT big a deal.

SiamoNellaMerda · 29/01/2012 08:59

Actually - thinking about it - are you for real? If I had a grip to spare I'd pass one over - you do most definitely need one.

Kladdkaka · 29/01/2012 09:02

Want to swap? Mine is on the dance floor in a flash the moment the music starts, no alcohol required. His dancing reduces people to tears ... of laughter. He makes other people's dad dancing look good. He tall and skinny and it all legs and arms going everywhere, regardless of the music.

Original poster

joshandjamie · 29/01/2012 09:02

wow - lots of vitriol. I did say that I knew I was being unreasonable. I do get it. I'm not that pathetic that its completely destroying my life. I just wish we could dance together. Is it wrong to want to dance with my husband?

OP posts:

countessbabycham · 29/01/2012 09:04

Shit - and there's me praying that my DH won't get up and dance (think Madness) if ever we go out........

countessbabycham · 29/01/2012 09:06

josh is it just that he's shy about it?

SiamoNellaMerda · 29/01/2012 09:08

It is wrong not to respect the fact that he does not like dancing and does not want to do it.

MrsDmitriTippensKrushnic · 29/01/2012 09:10

I'm sure he's got a million and one good points that make up for the lack of dancing

I just think that this is one minor flaw in the grand scheme of things and maybe not worth falling out over, and if it's got to that point where you are maybe you should step back from it and not ask. I know people can say that if he loved you then he would do it anyway, but you can also say that if you loved him you wouldn't ask. It's a horribly circular argument and no one wins it.

You're not being unreasonable to want to dance with him though, or to feel a bit sad that he won't but I think if it ends up with both of you being unhappy you just have to let it go.

QuickLookBusy · 29/01/2012 09:17

I can understand where he is coming from. I hate dancing in public, I really don't know why I just do. So we have a dance in the house instead. Put the music on load and just get on with it.

Would dh give that a try?

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 29/01/2012 09:19

It's not wrong to wish it, but it is wrong to keep pestering, he probably dreads going to any function where dancing might be required. My DH detests it too, but I'm not bothered, I just go and dance with other people and leave him to it.

We didn't have a first dance at our wedding, in fact there was no dancing, which was an agreed decision because he hates it so much and I would have felt far too self conscious dancing on our own in front of an audience. I think you are just going to have to live with this one, sorry.

Goolash · 29/01/2012 09:25

You know he hates dancing so stop asking. If its got to the point where he says you're making him feel guilty then you really need to stop. He's more likely to dance if it's never me mentioned!

I hate dancing and hate it when someone asks more than once, it becomes a bigger and bigger deal and it looks like I'm digging my heals in. I actively enjoy NOT dancing. You're bringing me out in a cold sweat remembering weddings and office parties and being told to "enjoy yourself" and "have fun". It makes me feel like a right miserable cow.

Chandon · 29/01/2012 09:25

my dh is exactly as yours.

only that he did not even dance on our wedding, there was no "first dance".

I have long given up pestering him, and it doesn't break my heart, it's a pity that's all.

I mainly boogie around on my own or with mates, in the style of 90s clubber . Me, I have no inhibitions, but I accept it as one of DH's English quirks (it is an English thing, isn't it?).

Chandon · 29/01/2012 09:26

...the same way he accepts my loud laugh (in public!), he used to shhh shhh me

diddl · 29/01/2012 09:32

Oh I love dancing-with my mates when I´ve had too many.

Remember 4 Wedding when the John Hannah character describes Simon Callow´s character´s dancing?

Well, he could be talking about me

My husband & I only do slow dances together.

OP-put some music on & relive your dance practices!

squeakytoy · 29/01/2012 09:38

Is he not dancing because he doesnt want to, or because he feels he cant and would look stupid?

My mum actually threatened to divorce my dad if he wouldnt dance with her.

And she was serious too!

Well, she was fed up of him never taking her out, and when they were "courting" they used to go ballroom dancing. Roll on 25 years of marriage later and he spent the nights in his shed doing whatever men do in their sheds... and she was stuck in front of the telly. She was bored, and told him he either took her dancing again, or she would find someone else who would.

So off they fox-trotted.

Within a year my dad decided he liked it and started taking lessons to train up to be a teacher..

Ten more years down the line, he was a fully qualified dance teacher in Latin and Ballroom dancing, and they were going out five nights a week.... with my Mum moaning that she just wanted a night in as her feet ached..

a classic case of "be careful what you wish for"

My real point here is though... would he be up for going for proper dance lessons perhaps, so that he is more confident, and you both enjoy it then. If he likes doing the scottish dancing, then he isnt totally against dancing, but perhaps just lacks the confidence in himself to do much more.

ModreB · 29/01/2012 09:54

YABU. He is not stopping you from dancing, just prefers not to participate himself.

How would you feel if the situation was reversed. Say, you went out to a party, and your DH nagged you all night to sit down and not dance. You wouldn't like it would you. So stop nagging asking him to dance. It's not fair.

exoticfruits · 29/01/2012 10:00

You just have to accept that he doesn't like it and stop spoiling public occasions.I sympathise but that is the way it is.

GypsyMoth · 29/01/2012 10:06

squeaky!!!!

That's exactly what happened to my parents!! Mum dragged dad down the village hall to ballroom lessons ( 30 years ago) and they started doing medal exams, then competing ( won the Blackpool title) then turned professional and started teaching, first on cruise ships then at holiday resorts abroad before settling down here with their own dance school!

Were you dragged round all the comps at the weekend too? My brother made a killing photographing the dancers as they danced, and then selling the pics on! Oh, happy days..... And dad is v friendly with Brendan cole these days. And mum ( she died few years back) knew Lilia and few other strictly stars from their early days.

Dad is early 70's now, still teaching and still taking Coach loads of oldies to hotels for dance festivals. I grew up in a whirlwind of waltzing

Whatmeworry · 29/01/2012 10:12

Dance with the sexiest blokes around, one smooth hand on your bum and he will be right up there :o

GiserableMitt · 29/01/2012 10:13

I hate dancing. Hate, hate, hate it. And I can't do it.

DH enjoys dancing. I refuse, he dances with someone else. We're all happy.

However...I would like to slow dance with DH. He's a furrin farmer type and their dances seem to involve fancy footwork rather than just the clingy circles-on-the-spot type of dance I remember from the 80s disco end of a night out.
We sort of attempted it once at home and ended up stomping on each others feet.

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