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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want my husband to dance with me

57 replies

joshandjamie · 29/01/2012 08:38

I know I am being unreasonable. But I can't help it. I love dancing. I don't get to do it often but when the opportunity arises, there's nothing I love more than hitting the dance floor. And I would love to be able to do that with my husband. But he can't stand it. At. All.

It's not that he can't dance, he is a very good dancer. And in fact, he really enjoys scottish country dancing on the rare occasions we get to do that. And he did dance with me for the first dance at our wedding, which was amazing - we spent weeks practising in our flat - those weeks of practising are some of my sweetest memories. On extremely rare occasions when he has been VERY drunk, he has finally felt uninhibited enough to dance - and I love those moments. I get to swirl around the dance floor with my handsome husband.

But your regular boogie - he just won't do it. And it breaks my heart.

Last night we ended up having a falling out as we had the chance to dance and I asked him to and he refused. And then he said he was sick of being made to feel guilty about not wanting to dance when he hates doing it. I really don't mean to make him feel guilty about it but I just so wish he would.

Sigh

OP posts:

dreamingbohemian · 29/01/2012 10:14

Why not dance at home?

You said it was fun practicing for your wedding so presumably he wouldn't mind that?

DH and I always have music on at home and will sometimes just start dancing when something nice comes on.

You say it's just about the dancing and nothing else, but if it really is to the level of breaking your heart then that's clearly not the case.

It sounds like you think dancing with your DH is a really romantic thing to do, and so when he says no it's not just saying no to dancing but to a chance for a romantic, intimate moment with you, which feels very rejecting.

Is he romantic in other ways? Do you feel you have enough romance in your relationship?

mayorquimby · 29/01/2012 11:33

I'm with your husband. especially with regads to this line "And then he said he was sick of being made to feel guilty about not wanting to dance when he hates doing it."
Now I like dancing, but if he hates it then presumably every time a situation arises where you might dance he knows your going to ask him before you do. So he's already feeling like the bad guy before you've even asked because he's going to say no, then you ask knowing he hates it and will say no, then you get disappointed. That would piss me off no end in his situation.

Laquitar · 29/01/2012 12:26

dreaming's suggestion sounds good to me, does he dance at home?
It is a bit strange because you said he can dance. Is he body conscious perhaps? Or just shy?

YANBU it would upset me too.

BabyDubsEverywhere · 29/01/2012 12:52

Out of interest, what kind of dancing are you talking about?

attheendoftheday · 29/01/2012 12:56

I can see why it would be upsetting. Could you dance with someone else, like a friend, or borrow a friend's partner for the purpose?

Irishchic · 29/01/2012 13:01

YANBU Op. I feel your pain. It is not just english men either, Irish men are worse! My dh is a classic example of this. He will steadfastly refuse all requests from me to dance, but finally when he has had 5 or 6 pints, he suddenly thinks he's Michael Flatley and starts dancing very badly which me and we both end up looking like tits.

Almost all irish men i know are the same, bar a very few rare guys that will be up on the dance floor with their women, and i also notice that men in the older generation are more likely to dance with their women that our generation.

I wish it were different. I adore dancing, and when you dance with a man that can actually dance it is thrilling.

I think some of the other posters on here have jumped down your throat a bit on this one, not sure why, but its undeserved.

TuesdayNightClub · 29/01/2012 13:03

My DH is the same, and when he dances he is either 1) very drunk or 2) making a special effort because he knows I like it and is a bit drunk. When it is no 2 my heart melts a little. I get where you are coming from OP.

TalkinPeace2 · 29/01/2012 13:04

DH does not dance.
Before children when we used to go out for the evening to see bands he would sit and chat and I would get up and dance, usually with a specific old friend. Various eyebrows were raised when we messed about a bit but he, DH and I were all happy with the arrangement for many, many years.
Get a 'safe' dancing partner.

Birdsgottafly · 29/01/2012 13:08

I hate dancing and your situation is mine in reverse. I am dreading an upcoming wedding because i know that once he is tipsyit is going to become an issue. YABU, not only are you aking him to do something that he hates, but in public as well.

No-one should try to bully a partner into doing something that they feel uncomfortable doing or guilty about not doing.

Punchthosecalories · 29/01/2012 13:11

I get why you're upset. It's amazing to dance with your husband working as a team spending time with each other, it's romantic and gentlemanly IMO. Yes I get it's not famine or war, but you've every right to be able to feel sad that you dont get to dance with him especially when he seemed to enjoy dancing with you in preparation of marrying you. I get it because I'm in the same position except my husband refused to do the first dance at all. I used to go dancing two three times a week but now since getting married and having babies I dont do any at all (apart from a few lonely dances with just the babies when no one is looking). I feel sadness too. My husband only doesn't like it because he has never learnt and says he wouldn't like to because he'll "make a fool out of himself". Well that's something i just have to live with, we spend enough time apart in the week due to work and I really dont want to spend any more time apart (and extra expense) for me to go dancing alone dancing with strangers. Maybe one day my son will grow up and dance with me.
On the "nagging" as one person put it, well that just takes all the goodness out of going in the first place doesn't it?
Are there any things that you do for him that makes him feel cherished?

JennyPiccolo · 29/01/2012 13:20

Can you not just go dancing with your mates? It would be nice to dance with your husband but you'll just need to suck it up if he doesn't like it.

Ephiny · 29/01/2012 13:20

I don't think you can expect your partner to share absolutely every hobby or interest you happen to have, and it seems a bit extreme to be heartbroken that he doesn't.

I don't like dancing either, and I would start to get annoyed if someone kept pestering me to do it, knowing that it isn't something I enjoy. In fact, that would make me less likely to give it a try.

Original poster

joshandjamie · 29/01/2012 14:56

Irishchic, Tuesdaynightclub and punchthosecalories - so glad you understand where I'm coming from. And as for the kind of dancing I'm talking about - I would never expect him to stand there and dance on his own. I'm talking about where we dance in each others arms, doing a fairly basic kind of shuffle together. It is romantic and I guess it hurts a bit as it feels like rejection even though I know it's just not something he enjoys doing. He isn't body conscious.

We can dance at home - although we don't seem to ever do that. Guess we're either doing chores or being with the kids. That's why when we get a chance to go out and dance, I relish the chance of being able to be close and dance together.

I can live with it. It's not a deal breaker. I just wish it could be different.

OP posts:

Sudaname · 29/01/2012 15:12

I am an old tart just get up with any of my non dancing DHs mates that are handy at the time.

exoticfruits · 29/01/2012 15:18

I would go to Zumba-it is great fun and classes everywhere.

If not there are others-learn to tap dance, belly dance, line dance, morris dance-there are lots of opportunities where you can go by yourself.

Laquitar · 29/01/2012 15:51

Tbh i don't view dancing as any other hobby like a poster said earlier. It is different, it connects the couple, it is social. I'm not saying that it is top life skill but it is nice to be able to dance naturally and not to dread parties.

I might be flamed for this but thats why i like children at parties and weddings and on the dance floor. If you socialise and dance from young age then it comes natural.

something2say · 29/01/2012 16:12

I too like dancing. No man atm but hopefully one will come along who will like it. Once I went to a salsa club where they had the lights on in this back room and loads of really good people were doing it. Amazing to watch. So when one of the instructors came to get me to dance and all my fiends pushed me on the dancefloor I had to go! Very embarrassed at first, dancing with such \ good dancer, and at one time he swung me right round then then pushed me backwards over his arm, and I felt my hair swing before he pulled me back up. One of the most erotic moments of my life.

Totally get where you're coming from. An easy opportunity for sensuality and closeness, the sort that knits a couple imo.

dreamingbohemian · 29/01/2012 16:29

In that case, I think the best thing you can do is really try to persuade yourself that his not dancing is nothing personal, it's not rejecting you, it's just not something he likes. If you can take some of the emotion out of it, it should hurt less.

Are there other things he does that are really romantic? Can you get those lovely feelings in another way?

I see what you mean about dancing at home but I think it's important for couples to make that kind of time. Maybe it's corny but DH and I definitely do date nights after DS is in bed, we make a nice meal, light some candles and, yes, put on some music and at some point usually have a nice dance.

Would you be up for something like that?

Either way you should find some way to make your peace with it, because I can't imagine you want to be bothered about this for the next 50 years.

saintmerryweather · 29/01/2012 18:01

I've been learning ballroom and latin for about 6 months now, and although I'm currently single, I couldn't be with a man who didn't want to dance with me. I can't dance with any sort of grace or rythm when it comes to dancing like you do in a club or out with your mates but I love the closeness you get when you're waltzing with a man and he's leading you - to me, its really romantic. So, no, YANBU.

Would he consider coming with you to ballroom lessons so he can learn to dance "properly"? I was at my xmas party this year, just twitching in the corner, too shy to get out and dance till they started playing a song I could jive to, then I just got out and did the few steps I knew because it was safe and I knew I looked ok doing it!

sheeplikessleep · 29/01/2012 19:02

I get where you're coming from.
I also love dancing, DH hates it. He has to be rip roaring drunk to dance and then to be honest, he can hardly stand up straight anyway.
But, I am quite happy dancing with anyone, as long as I get to go up on the dancefloor at some point! But then I hate slow dancing, so I don't feel like we lack the 'connection', I just like dancing to everything else, from soul to indie, disco to pop. It is a shame, but that's all for me. I also find DH isn't quite as much 'fun' as dancing with my mates, probably because he doesn't enjoy it as much. If he loved dancing, it would be nice, but it isn't that great as he isn't keen, iyswim?

CupOfBrownJoy · 29/01/2012 19:09

I feel your pain. DP also doesn't dance at all, and I find this especially odd because he's a musician!

But he just won't, and we're not having a first dance at our wedding next summer because of it.

I just dance on my own though whenever we go out or with DP's slimy friend with the wandering hands

ASByatt · 29/01/2012 19:14

I hate dancing, really really hate, loathe and detest it with passion!

I would be gutted to think that my DH interpreted this in any way as a rejection of him.

Irishchic · 29/01/2012 20:56

Look, i could understand it if a man or a woman hates to get up and dance (solo) but in a circle, where everyone is doing their own thing to quick music and it can feel a bit like performing in front of a crowd sort of thing, i can understand someone hating that aspect of being on show.

But to take someone you love and hold them close and move to a nice song (in our case "Brown Eyed Girl" by Van Morrison - dh will ALWAYS dance to that) then i think it is a lovely thing to do with your partner. It does not require any particular skill, and you dont mind if your partner maybe steps on your toes a bit 'cos at least they are making the effort to dance with you, its not like you have to put on some "Strictly come Dancing" type performance.

It really does connect and bond you. When my dh dances with me, i cant wait to get him home and rip his clothes off!

jasperJohns · 29/01/2012 21:03

I think it's a bit of a shame, although I have one of those men that won't bloody stop dancing.

Blokes are quite often, atrocious dancers though, so maybe the OPs partner just feels too self conscious.

elinorbellowed · 29/01/2012 21:07

DP doesn't dance. He did tell me this on our second or third date so I was perfectly forwarned. I wanted him more than I wanted to dance. I used to dance a lot with my first love and sometimes I still do dance with him at festivals and gigs. I used to dance a lot at university and I miss that, but when I've been to clubs and stuff in recent years it's all a bit rubbish and I would rather be curled up on the sofa with DP. If he ever gets on the dance floor at a wedding or gig I know it's time to take him home.

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