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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

The controversial issue of lie ins....

77 replies

Ams25 · 29/01/2012 07:13

Here are the facts:
DH works full time, very hard. Leaves the house at half six, home at half six. Often brings home work in the evenings and weekends.
I am a SAHM. We have a toddler and a baby. Baby still wakes at least a couple of times a night, toddler occasionally. I do 99% of night wakings. I do 90% of the housework, including all the cooking and washing.
DH has a lie in on Saturdays, I have one on Sundays. However DH is always in a foul mood about getting up early with the kids, complaining about how tired he is, how he will have lots of work to do that day, how hard he works in the week etc. is it unreasonable to have one lie in a week? Does he have a right to be grumpy about it as long as he does it? Sometimes I am grumpy about getting up early with the kids, but only if I have had a bad night with the baby. I feel like DHs moods spoil Sundays.

OP posts:

Hecubasdaughter · 29/01/2012 07:17

He is BU you need to sleep sometime and I suspect you are getting less sleep. You work hard too.

BillyBollyBandy · 29/01/2012 07:18

Based on the first part of your post, we could be the same person!

You are not being unreasonable having turns for a lie in, that's what we do. Otherwise you would never get a break.

If he keeps complaining tell him you've been thinking and it would be fairer for the 2 of you to split everything at the weekend including children and housework. Which incidentally you should anyway, but that isn't how it happens in our house either at the moment.

And then give him a list of everything you do and ask him to pick his half. Perhaps he has forgotten just how hard you work.

Flyingoutofcontrol · 29/01/2012 07:19

Ask him for a job swap.

He takes time off, say a week, and does "your job" and you have to do something else - volunteer or something.

But in my view YANBU - as I'm guessing that it's a) not that long and b) you'd not have it if DC were sick, going out etc.

tribpot · 29/01/2012 07:20

I don't think it's controversial, although my frame of reference is rather different by virtue of the fact that my DH suffers from chronic pain and fatigue.

You both deserve a lie-in, and you both deserve to enjoy that lie-in and not be made to feel guilty about having it. He should be pleased he's getting an early march on the day if he has a lot of work to do!

LovesBeingWearingSkinnyJeans · 29/01/2012 07:23

Swap tge days you have a lie-in. He's getting up on Sunday thinking about work tge next day bla bla bla, so if he has a lie in on Sunday it might help.

do not give up your lie in

LovesBeingWearingSkinnyJeans · 29/01/2012 07:24

I would have given a more in-depth reply but I'm having a lie in a and dh just delivered my cup of tea

Original poster

Ams25 · 29/01/2012 07:27

The funny thing is we are in the same line of work, so before I had children I did do his job, so I know it is hard! However, it is not as hard or as tiring as looking after two children!

Billy... Smirking at the very idea of things being split equally housework wise at the weekend. So wouldn't happen!

I am fed up because I feel like I am going to end up getting up with them on Sundays just to avoid his bad mood. I already know I will go down to a complete mess, dirty nappies everywhere, breakfast littering the table, etc etc...

OP posts:

Original poster

Ams25 · 29/01/2012 07:28

Skinny jeans he chose Saturday...says he needs a lie in after the working week... Also, he quite often goes out on a Friday night....

OP posts:

whostolemyname · 29/01/2012 07:29

I think this sort of thing should be decided on a weekend by weekend basis. Some weekends you might feel fine and actually perfectly ok to get up, other weekends he might feel find and ok to get up. Sometimes you might feel awful and really need that lie in. The times you both feel awful, actually getting up together and working as a team might be the best thing for all the family and maybe one of you can have a 'siesta' later in the day.

KingofHighVis · 29/01/2012 07:35

I work full time dp is currently on ml. She gets sat & sun lie ins. Tell him to go to bed earlier.

Hecubasdaughter · 29/01/2012 07:41

My DH wants to know why I'm tired because DD woke at 2 then half 6. He keeps pointing out that that is 4.5 hours. He conveniently forgets that she didn't go back down until half 5 .

twange · 29/01/2012 07:42

Oh I do feel so sorry for you both.. you are both working soooooo hard. Has he taken on too much work.. surely he should not have to be doing work in evenings or on a sunday?? Maybe there is a need to sit back and take stock of the whole situation. If he can back off a little with his work, and be able to have his quality time and give you your much needed lie-in happily, that would be such a better solution, even if it means perhaps a bit less money.

Just a word of comfort... when mine got to school age.. we came to an arrangement where on a weekend, they would come down, have tv on quietly, allowed to help themselve to biscuits for breakfast.. and BOTH of us had a lovely lie-in on Saturday and Sunday.. and the kids thought it was fantastic!! Sorry that's a few years away.. but silver linings and all that lol!

iamusuallybeingunreasonable · 29/01/2012 07:48

What is it with men, yanbu, none of us are!

My dh works some weekends, when he does I don't get a lie in; need the car so have to get up to drive him in. On these weekends I have the kids on my own, I also work and am out the house mon-fri 7 til 7. Dh gets Mon and Fri off on these weekends and makes sure he lounges big time!

We have an agreement that he will do breakfasts to give me a bit of a rest, but he lies there until I have to nag him as kids are crawling all over me hungry... by which point I'm well and truly awake and annoyed, its not alot to ask, but I just think blokes have this sense of entitlement where lie ins are concerned, bugs the hell out of me!

fishyonadishy · 29/01/2012 07:53

Don't let him bully you into giving up your lie in with his bad mood.

I would ignore, ignore, ignore him if he's being petulant and childish about it.

You both work hard, you both need a rest. Presumably it wasn't your decision alone to have your DC so why on earth would it be your responsibility alone to get up with them at the weekend?

FWIW - DH and I split our weekend lie ins - he's upstairs having a lie in as I type. If he behaved the way your DH does he would get a bollocking very, very short shrift from me. I simply would not tolerate it.

fuzzpig · 29/01/2012 07:54

You said he goes out on Friday nights - fair enough but I hope you get to do the same on another day?

mousymouseprice · 29/01/2012 07:55

yanbu.
I have a lie in on saturdays, dh on sundays.
this was also the arrangement during ml.
do you have a spare room or friends nearby so that you can go there once the dc are in bed to get a proper nights sleep?

MrsSleepy · 29/01/2012 07:59

Me and DH both work FT, I work more hours than him and don't get home till gone 7 and I get up on a weekend with the kids at 6 so I can spend as much time as possible with them.

He see's them alot more in the week as he is home at 3, he does offer to get up on a weekend but our youngest DS still wakes up in the night and he does the nights so I like him to have lie in.

When I was a SAHM he used to do the mornings and I'd have a lay in.

nomoreheels · 29/01/2012 08:08

I would tell him to drop the attitude on Sunday mornings. It is pretty hard to relax when you know the other person is in a foul mood and will greet you with stony silence. He should also ensure you don't come downstairs to a complete mess either - it isn't that hard to do. Sounds like he's sulking & doing the bare minimum when really, he needs to get on with it & remember that he got his lie-in the day before.

I haven't had any sort of lie in since DD was born 8 months ago... she wakes 1-2 times after 11 pm & wakes at 5/6 am. But after around 4 months DP started doing the earlier wakings even though he works from home, because I said I couldn't carry on alone at night anymore. I do 80% of her care otherwise, and keep the house ticking along as well as studying & part time work when I have some. It is very, very tiring!

Agree that you could occasionally swap round just to break things up, eg you go out on Friday night instead.

Also, could you go stay with a friend on your "night off" so you could have a proper rest & not worry about your lie-in? He would really just have to get on with it as you won't be there to take over.

Maybe he is really stressed out by his job - does he enjoy it? If you wanted to return to work perhaps you could look at both working part time in your field & getting some childcare so there's a better work/home/time balance?

MidnightinMoscow · 29/01/2012 08:08

I agree that it's worth deciding at the weekend.

Sometimes I am in a get up and go mood, and it makes my life easier to be up early like today..lunch prep'ed, bread made etc.

twange Working from home in the evenings and weekends is pretty much standard these days, DH does this a lot of the time. I can only really access email via my blackberry from home, so I tend to do my 'extra' hours in work, which equates to leaving home early and arriving back late.

I think many households are living like this, and it is hard for everyone.

LovesBeingWearingSkinnyJeans · 29/01/2012 08:11

Skinny jeans he chose Saturday...says he needs a lie in after the working week... Also, he quite often goes out on a Friday night....

Ther you go then his problem is that Saturday is hangover day and Sunday is his weekend

tribpot · 29/01/2012 08:13

Logically if he's going to be grumpy about getting up anyway, he might as well get up on hangover day and then he can better enjoy his lie-in on Sunday!

HoneyandHaycorns · 29/01/2012 08:19

We both get a lie on Saturdays and Sundays. We just put dd to bed later and she wakes up later.

I know it doesn't work for everyone as some little monsters children wake up at their regular time regardless, and grouchy due to the lack of sleep. But it works for us! :)

Archemedes · 29/01/2012 08:27

So, he doesn't get up with them during the week or Friday night , or Saturday night and apparently Sunday's too much like hard work?

Oh, and he has a night out every week to top it off,

he's really taking the piss I'm sorry my DP would hit the kerb faster than a lightweight on a hen do if he ever did this.

thetasigmamum · 29/01/2012 08:32

YABU. If he is getting up at 5:30 (maybe earlier) every day AND bringing home work for the evenings and weekends he needs some rest. I don't blame him for being grumpy. However he is taking the piss doing only 10% of the housework. He should do much more of that and childcare at the weekends. But he needs time to sleep, I know you do too but I also know that you will get those downtime opportunities during the day, not just at the weekend but during the week too. And he won't. He is also taking the piss about going out on the lash on a Friday night. So while YABU about the sleep thing (he needs to be ale to function during the week, he won't be able to get away with being tired or having porridgeforbrains on a Monday morning) YANBU about the housework and HE is BU about going out on Friday nights.

fishyonadishy · 29/01/2012 08:33

How on earth does she get downtime with a toddler and a baby thetasi? I had two under two and the oldest didn't nap. No down time. None.

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