The controversial issue of lie ins....

[Ams25]

Here are the facts:
DH works full time, very hard. Leaves the house at half six, home at half six. Often brings home work in the evenings and weekends.
I am a SAHM. We have a toddler and a baby. Baby still wakes at least a couple of times a night, toddler occasionally. I do 99% of night wakings. I do 90% of the housework, including all the cooking and washing.
DH has a lie in on Saturdays, I have one on Sundays. However DH is always in a foul mood about getting up early with the kids, complaining about how tired he is, how he will have lots of work to do that day, how hard he works in the week etc. is it unreasonable to have one lie in a week? Does he have a right to be grumpy about it as long as he does it? Sometimes I am grumpy about getting up early with the kids, but only if I have had a bad night with the baby. I feel like DHs moods spoil Sundays.

YANBU, we too have a morning each to do with what we choose at weekends (dh cycles, I sleep) and it goes without saying that it is done with good grace and for equal and generous amounts if time "make the most if it - don't hurry back/don't rush up". Having children means your down time IS squeezed so he'll need to choose, "hangover lie in" OR "catch up sleep lie in", he can't have both.

We have a four year old and a 2 year old and we're just getting to the point that they'll get up and potter with their toys for an hour or so, so it will get better in regard to mornings, I can remember that stage and I hated having to get up immediately as the baby cried, it is better when you can suggest sleepily that they might want to get the brio out and then go back to sleep for an hour.

How about no lie-ins? Having your own down-time is fair enough but why spend it in bed?

He can't be that tired if he has the energy for frequent nights out!

How often do you go out at night?

Lie ins are the #1 source of arguments and resentment in this house!

It is a truth universally acknowledged that both parents believe they are the one who works the hardest / is the most tired / carries more of the load / hasn't had a proper lie in for weeks.

I am still seething over this morning's argument. It was MrP's turn so I left him alone in bed while I entertained both kids, did two loads of washing, made a batch of chocolate chip cookies with DD, cooked sausages and scrambled eggs which I took to him in bed on a tray at 9 am with a cup of tea. 45 minutes later I asked him for some help and he said I had spoiled his only lie in.

Tbh, in your position Id offer to get up and let him have the lie - on the proviso that you get a full nights sleep the night before. Say that you're happy to let him have both lie ins if you have one (or even both) nights of broken sleep. It wouldn't be fair if he had the full nights sleep and then the lie ins! I bet even if he took the offer, he wouldn't keep it for long

Nights of unbroken sleep!

Lie ins are simple - one gets a Saturday, the other gets the Sunday. That's how it works here. It's simple, it's fair and it WORKS!

Your dh is being a cock to make such a fuss about not getting a Sunday as well! Who does he think he is?

All I can recommend is that you don't give in to his manipulative punishing-you-by-being-in-a-shit-mood behaviour whatsoever! That is disgraceful, bullying and self important to the max. He has got some fucking audacity and sense of self importance to think that he gets two lie ins at the weekend while you don't get any!

Seriously, behaviour like that is totally indicative of how he views things. He thinks he is more important than you. He isn't. He can fuck right off.

My dh is sahd, I work ft. we have a lie in each at the weekends.

He did get a big shock when he gave up paid work, then he found out just how hard it is with a toddler all day!

I love lie ins and sleep as long as I can on my day, he isn't so bothered and often gets up not long after me on 'his' day. :( but its still his down time till late morning, so as far as I am concerned, he should get the morning off to faff on tinternet if he wants.

2days, 2 lie ins, one each imho

YANBU

your dh is a nob

hth

Well...

Could you determine the same for my family too please?

I work full time, DH is SAHD. I also have an evening job, and have to spend a significant amount of evening/weekend time doing work for my main job (am a teacher).

I get up at 6, feed the baby, go to work. Get home at 5ish, feed the baby, do some work, go out to 2nd job, get home, eat, do some work, go to bed, do any night wakings (we have a baby and a toddler).

DH does most of the housework (but we do have a cleaner) and all the cooking.

He gets up when the children wake - usually 8.30am. Both nap at the same time in the afternoon, so he has 1 1/2 - 2 hours to himself.

I am shattered all the time, and although we have a lie-in each, I do resent his a little. When I was SAHM and he worked f/t, we shared, however I did the nights then (BFing). So, it's not that I don't want him to have a lie-in, more that I am so inconceivably tired ALL the time that I need more sleep, whereas he admits to getting enough sleep every night and therefore doesn't need it as much.

AIBU?

Urrrm Shagobite - so you work FT doing 2 jobs AND the night feeds. Can you OH not be the one to work in the evening or him do the night feed either express/bottle?

OP - one day each. 2 young children including night wakings is a full time job so you both deserve a lie-in. Tell him to stop being such a miserable fucker and ruining everyone's weekend or you'll go out ALONE for the day and be home for sunday roast, kids bathed & house cleaned and then he can see how easy your life really is

shagobite, in the school hoildays catch up with sleep.

I think it is entirely fair that you take a lie-in each at the weekend. I don't think you can underestimate the toll that broken nights take upon you; your husband does work long hours, but is getting presumably a full night's sleep most days. You are just as entitled to that one little luxury a week.

Just keep in mind the wondrous fact that, one day, in the not too distant future, your children won't need you to get up with them (or will happily sleep until midday of a weekend) - and you can snuggle together in bed as long as you please

That's the plan.

Still doesn't help right now. And as he does get at least 2 hours more than me every day...

Of course YANBU. He clearly thinks he is more important than you. Please don't give up your lie-in. Parity is important.

YANBU
What a tosser!
He clearly thinks he is entitled to a lie but resents you having one and therefore is doing as much as he can in a passive/aggressive way to ruin it for you.
I would have it out with him by asking calmly if he resented me having a lie in because his behaviour would indicate this.
Do not give up your lie in !

he is entitled to a lie in

1. 12 hours out the house including commute is not a long day, work in the evenings and weekends will add to this, but I don't believe being home at 6:30pm when you left at 6:30am is late.

2. If someone needs to sacrifice their lie in so he can work, it should be him.

3. On the night he gets a lie in, he gets up in the night to the DCs, if not then he should do the other night.

4. you're married to a cock, if he's giving you a lie in, then he shouldn't get in a strop about it. Is that the only time in the week when he's in sole charge of hte DCs? Perhaps he should be spending more alone time with them so it's not such a shock to him each week.

oh and 5)he should discuss how much weekend work he needs to do with you on a Friday night so you can plan when he's going to give up family time to do it, rather than spring it on you on a Sunday. That way, you could take the DCs to do something you've planned in advance to give him some peace and quiet.

YADNBU!

We take turns at having a lie in here. I am on ml and dp works. This weekend, because dd is teething and is waking a lot during the night and will only be settled by me, I have had both lie ins.

Normally we try to split weekend nights and lie ins, so dp does Friday night wakings and has Saturday lie in, I do Saturday night wakings and have Sunday lie in.

I think your dp should also split childcare and housework that takes place outside working hours (accepting that some of his working hours might be working from home) 50:50. I would find anything less disrespectful. I find it easiest to ensure he have equal downtime.

Shagobite you DP gets a lie in EVERYDAY. Eight thirty is a lie in to most parents. Jeeezzz. What a lazy arse. Has he always been this lazy?

DH works FT (similar hours to your DH). I am SAHM to 3 kids age 2, 4 and 6 - one at school, one at nursery in the mornings, one at home with me.

DH usually gets both weekend lie ins. This is because I am a morning person and I do seem to need less sleep than him. However, he always offers me one and is grateful when I refuse. My point is that there is no right or wrong answer here. Different systems can work well in different households. The important thing is that you respect each other, work as a partnership, play to your strengths and appreciate each other's contribution.

OP, YANBU to find your DH's behaviour childish and you should not let him bully you into giving up your lie in and resenting him. However, is there any room to compromise? If the lie in is really that important to him, would you mind sometimes getting up both mornings if he can offer you extra help in return (eg responsibility for some of the night wakings, more help with the housework, a nap after lunch, some me-time while he takes both DCs to the park - whatever works for you!)

Hope you find a better balance.

He gets full nights sleep and you don't. I think you should get both the lie ins. Your just catchilng up on sleep whereas its extra for him

As a single parent you don't get any sort of lie in regardless of how many hours worked/housework done/sleepless nights. What you do get is the option of suiting yourself if you do get an opportunity for downtime, which prevents this sort of resentment.
I agree that maybe you could stay up with children till 9.00 am or something and then he would get sole charge and have to take them all out so you can have a lazy morning or go back to bed.
Do make sure you know you want him to do something. The whole weekend is not free time for either of you and he needs to remember that.

DH and I argue about sleep because I get annoyed at him making snide comments about me yawning. I shouldn't yawn apparently as I have had so much more sleep than him.

For example Saturday night I eventually got to bed at 11pm DD woke at 2am, I got back to bed at 5:30 the DD woke for the day at 6:40. DH didn't come to bed until 1:30am but slept right through without interruption until 10:30 am. However I shouldn't be yawning because I had had so much more sleep than him as I went to bed first. .