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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

The controversial issue of lie ins....

77 replies

Ams25 · 29/01/2012 07:13

Here are the facts:
DH works full time, very hard. Leaves the house at half six, home at half six. Often brings home work in the evenings and weekends.
I am a SAHM. We have a toddler and a baby. Baby still wakes at least a couple of times a night, toddler occasionally. I do 99% of night wakings. I do 90% of the housework, including all the cooking and washing.
DH has a lie in on Saturdays, I have one on Sundays. However DH is always in a foul mood about getting up early with the kids, complaining about how tired he is, how he will have lots of work to do that day, how hard he works in the week etc. is it unreasonable to have one lie in a week? Does he have a right to be grumpy about it as long as he does it? Sometimes I am grumpy about getting up early with the kids, but only if I have had a bad night with the baby. I feel like DHs moods spoil Sundays.

OP posts:
Fo0ffyShmo0ffer · 29/01/2012 08:34

He clearly just wants it all ways then doesn't he. It's selfish. A lie in each is NOT too much to expect.

I have been informed this morning that the reason I am not entitled to a lie in is because I can go back to bed week day mornings after dd is at a Nursery. Not sure when I'm supposed to do housework while i'm lounging in bed or spending any time with DD when i'm doing the housework i ahould have done but he clearly had this figured out in his head. Just hadn't bothered telling me. Hmm

fishyonadishy · 29/01/2012 08:35

And the OP is getting up in the night a couple of times while the DH gets to sleep through. He is already getting more sleep than her!

diddl · 29/01/2012 08:35

What time does he get up in the morning & what time do you?

That aside, does he sleep through?

If he is getting a full nights´s sleep & you´re not then I think that that is also a consideration.

I generally had both lie ins as I was always up bfeeding in the night.

Cassettetapeandpencil · 29/01/2012 08:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ifrustrated · 29/01/2012 08:40

Sorry if it's already been suggested but I would "set up" a conversation with a friend either in front of him or over the phone when you praise praise praise him (then praise him some more) for being such a fantastic dad and husband for what he does for you at the weekend.

Also praise him in person whenever he does anything for you

Men are like toddlers in a lot of respects and are so easy to manipulate if they are getting positive attention Wink

My dh has always been great at doing his share but after covering positive praise at a course one day we all decided to try it on our dh's with pretty unbelievable results in some couples.

I also noticed once I started doing this to him he started paying me much more compliments

Note- I do mean this post fairly tongue in cheek even though I do think it works

CarrieInAnotherTWOBabiTWINS · 29/01/2012 08:41

Get him to start doing the night wakenings and feeds too. He's out of order getting in a mood about it too. The cheeky git

Piffpaffpoff · 29/01/2012 08:42

Full time Mon-Fri working DH and SAHM here. Our agreement is that it is one lie in each. However, this weekend DH got up yesterday so I had my lie in, and then he was up early today because he wanted to go cycling , leaving at 7.30 so I was up with the kids as usual. This 'no lie in for him' scenario happens about once every three weeks and so sometimes I let him have a lie in on the Saturday and I do both early mornings.

It's taken us a while to get to this point though of give and take though, when the kids were younger and up during the night the lie-ins were often the source of a lot of bad feeling especially when "D"H sometimes didnt get up til eleven but i think we're in a good place about it now. ( Although I often still have to wake him on 'my' day to point out the kids are awake and he should get up.)

OhdearNigel · 29/01/2012 08:51

my DH works really long hours (he is a police officer), a muddle of shifts, often works on his days off. He never resented me having a lie in when I was on mat leave as I did all the night wakings and the vast majority of early mornings.

YANBU but your DH is. I now work 30 hours a week at normal work, run a cake business from home which takes up about 7 hours a week and do casual shifts at a hotel. I am also vice president of my rotary club which means I have a lot of paperwork/meetings/events etc to deal with. All of that is still easier than looking after a small child full time

ifeelloved · 29/01/2012 08:54

I think you need to talk to your dh. It's not about putting your foot down an demanding that he does his share it's about communicating with him.

You see it do often, the resentment. How he gets to leave the house and leaves me here with all the housework and child care. And how she gets to play with our children a day and see her mum friends and no pressure to bring the money in.

Although I do think your dh us being an arse, I think you need to talk to him and discuss how to make things easier for both of you.

He needs to realise that although you might not directly be bringing money into the house, your work
Is just as valuable as his and so I'd your time.

PocPoc · 29/01/2012 09:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Archemedes · 29/01/2012 09:13

Arm yourself with a pitchfork PocPoc, and you OP not on !!!!

men like that make me sooooooo angry.

jubilee10 · 29/01/2012 09:14

I wonder if you could work it differently. My dh had both lie in's - still often does - and I would go back upstairs after lunch for a couple of hours to sleep read etc. when the older boys were babies he did two nights of child care as I worked 2 nights. The only sleep I got during the day was when the two boys had their nap. Could you afford a day or two mornings childcare for the older one, or both, so that you can have some downtime during the week? It does sound as if your dh works really hard and I'm sure he does feel tired.

fishyonadishy · 29/01/2012 09:18

Pocpoc, can't you just bring the children into the bedroom and get back into bed yourself while he sorts them out.

hermioneweasley · 29/01/2012 09:18

I have a similar work pattern to your DH and normally DW has both weekend lie ins, unless I'm up for a long stretch one fri or sat night with one of the kids, or she's going to be out all day sat or Sunday. My DW would not put up with that attitude and stripping for a second. On a weekend I help equally with tidying, laundry etc

emsyj · 29/01/2012 09:24

YANBU, but he won't understand how hard it is to be at home with children until/unless he experiences it - has he ever spent the whole day and night on his own with them? I think my DH's understanding changed hugely when I stopped bf and was able to leave DD with him for longer periods of time. He now fully accepts and acknowledges that it is much harder being with her than doing a day's work (and he too works long long hours, very often on the laptop all evening, has a long commute, travels around the country regularly etc...)

We did quite well with lie-in issues, as I did all the night wakings so I got most of the weekend lie-ins with DH asking for one when he felt he needed one (he is a naturally early bird and rarely wants to stay in bed beyond 7.30am, but if DD woke before 7am I would get up with her and wait for him to get up, then go back to bed myself). BUT the fecker now has a fucking horse so there are no lie-ins to be had in this house any more.

Sad Sad Sad

Except once every other month when the grandparents take DD and we both lie in until 8.30am.

grobagsforever · 29/01/2012 09:24

If op is doing all the night wakings and had a baby and toddler she should getboth lie ins. This man is getting full nights of sleep and she is getting none. Sad what a selfish man.

youarekidding · 29/01/2012 09:26

YANBU.

My X-DP and I both worked FT. Me M-S (7.15-4, and 8-4 (sat) and him 5 days a week (rotered) 8-4 or 2-10. I had to leave house at 6.45am to walk DS to nursery and get to work. In the end I just said DP should get up at 7 when I leave and take DS, but I would get DS up and ready. I also use to leave DS on the mornings he didn't work until 2pm.

WHY?.................... because he wouldn't allow me a lie in on the Sundays he was off or not working until 2pm as he worked FT too. Angry He conveniently forgot he got 4 lie ins a week.

I've been a LP since DS was 13 months old and although it meant no lie ins until he was 5ish it was better knowing it wasn't because my 'partner' was getting one.

And thats the point - parenting is a partnership - and as one things should be equally split but also compromise where needs be, so I agree do it wekend on weekend basis.

toptramp · 29/01/2012 09:28

oooo. I'd love to have a lie in. Envy I would ignore his winging and tell him to shut up.

McHappyPants2012 · 29/01/2012 09:34

everyone needs sleep.

my lir in is saturday and DH is sunday....sometimes we swap days if i want to do something on a saturday night or he wants to do something friday night.

McHappyPants2012 · 29/01/2012 09:36

could you get him a box of proplus and tell him if he is tired take some lol

www.amazon.co.uk/Pro-Plus-Caffeine-48-Tablets/dp/B000X458VY

fullofregrets · 29/01/2012 09:45

Yes you could be me.
I only have one child but he has been an awful sleeper. Awful. At two and a half he is still up three or four times a night. I have not had longer than three hours sleep in one go since he was born. Often less. Last night he was up at 12am, 2am (for over an hour), 4am and got up for good at 7am. He has dropped the daytime nap too so I am really struggling and feel shattered all the time.

Anyway DH also works very long hours and also travels a lot. I understand that he is tired but he has not given me one night off or one lie in since DS was born. I am extremely bitter about it. I was less cross when I could sleep in day but now I can't do that it really annoys me that DH us not up until gone 12pm at weekends.
So no, stick to your guns. YANBU. You need a break too.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 29/01/2012 09:48

OP we are in your situation, and I get both lie-ins. DH also cooks the dinner most Saturdays and does his share of other chores.

He also gets up in the night to the boys.

Asinine · 29/01/2012 10:05

What about telling him youre going to bed for a couple of hours in the afternoon while he makes the roast and watches the dcs? I prefer a lie down in the afternoon as it gives me second wind for evening.

iscream · 29/01/2012 10:29

If you are getting up after your lie in to dirty nappies everywhere, breakfast things still on table, he is only doing part of the job. That isn't how it is supposed to work. He is not treating you fairly, and not being a good sport. He happens to be the kids father, and should act more responsible, and not be such a sourpuss about it.

Maybe you should go away for a week-end, so you will be appreciated.

WilsonFrickett · 29/01/2012 10:42

I just ruined DH's lie in today. We've just moved and he has this 'thing' about locking all the doors and I couldn't get the front door for my gumtree lady arriving. Cue much shrieking like a fishwife. I do feel a bit bad about it now Blush

We've split the lie-ins ever since DS was tiny. Just how it is. YANBU