To not let my mum into our home again

[BirthdayBump2012]

Sorry for the bad spelling, grammer and how long this my turn out to be.

Had Dd 2 a three weeks ago and had to stay in hospital for most of the past two weeks as my c-section went a bit wrong. My mum has been helping take care of two Dcs while I was in. Dh dropped Ds off at mums at 1 and she picked up Dd from school while Dh came to the hospital and helped out and took care of Dd2 and me. He'd then go and pick up the Dcs at 4:30 ish.
We both came home a week ago and we have thanked my mum for her help and Dh got her some flowers to say thanks. She called the next day, not to ask how anyone was but to tell us how much of an incovenience it was that she looked after Dcs for so long and she's missed so much social time because of it. I said I was very sorry and she hung up.
The next day she rang again with the same results. The day after her and my dad came round they sat in the living room. I am still in silly amounts of pain when I move so I am kindof stuck there on the sofa as Dh runs around. (Something I feel awful about but it can't be helped and Dh wouldn't let me anyway)
They sat for ages and just gave yes or no answers. Ds tried to play with them but they wouldn't even look at him so he got really upset. I got annoyed and asked them to at least talk to thier only grandson. My dad got up and played with Ds and my mum gave him 'the look'. Dh gave my mum some tea and set out biscuits because she wouldn't talk at all. She didn't move she just sat there.
Dh took Ds next door for a play date. As soon as he was gone my mum went on a massive rant at me which got really personal and insulting. My dad just sat, and said nothing. Dh came back to find my mum yelling the place down about how horrid and un-feeling I was and a lazy mother and so forth. Dh said they should leave and after 4 attempts they left, and Dh was stuck with me while I cried all over him.

Dh doesn't think we should let them into our home again until my mum says sorry. My sil came round this morning and when we told her what happened she told us how horrid we were not letting her in again. Dh is still holding strong, but I am really not sure what to do.
Perspective would be nice please. :)

Your mum is toxic. YANBU. It'll hurt, but you have to stand up for yourself in this.

You need to get on the Stately Homes thread on here and another one that is about not putting up with mean things our parents say and not letting it get to us in 2012.

The perspective is that if this was any other person, you would NEVER allow these people anywhere near you again, would you. Apply these rules to them, TELL them why you are not going to have them in your home.

You have a good DH there by the sounds of it, trust in him. let him help you distance yourself from these people.

She probably doesn't feel appreciated and taken for granted going by her response. It may not be just this once, it may have been a few times now, and this was the straw that broke the camel's back.

Your husband is right, unless there is a massive difference of opinion on their side and a whole different story, but from what you have posted, they sound poisonous and nasty. I wouldnt let them back in, even if they did apologise.

Has she got a history of this sort of behaviour? Tbh it sounds like she has no idea how ill and helpless you have been and has decided you have somehow taken advantage of your situation.

I think she has behaved very badly and should apologise, but she clearly feels she has been asked to do too much and iiwy I would try and find out why - if you want the relationship with your DM to be rescued.

Your SIL should butt out.

Did she visit you in hospital even for an hour?

Your DH and DCs come first, sorry but for your DM to behave in such a manner at this time is despicable, even if she believed she had reasons she should have bit her tongue til you felt better. My DBro was very aggressive/unpleasant when I had DS and my DH banned him which i'm thankful for TBH but my family think i'm unreasonable. Enjoy your time with your family and if she wants to be part of that then an apology is mandatory.

Oh dear, how bloody awful. I agree with your husband, who sounds ACE, and think it's great you've got someone who takes such good care of you and sticks up for you.

I don't know what your mum's problem is- even if she's never experienced a CS personally, surely she should be vaguely aware that they take some recovering from? She must realise hospitals don't keep anyone in for 2 weeks for fun?

She shouldn't have offered to look after the kids if it was such a hardship. So sorry this has happened to you when you should be enjoying your lovely family.

From what you have posted, you are most definitely NBU. Does she have previous form for this kind of behaviour? It's a huge red flag that your parents waited until your dh was out of the house before ranting at their vulnerable daughter. I'm with your dh on this.

Your SIL needs to get a grip and mind her own business.

lashingsofbingeinghere- Yes she does have a bit of a history but nothing this bad before. We didn't ask her too take them our neighbour said she take the Dcs. But just before I went in she called said she really wanted to do it. She told us that she would take them for longer and in the mornings as well but we said we thought that was too much.

HoudiniHissy- I shall look for those threds now.
Thank you all who replyed I shall take everything on board.

Er...Houdini, do you really think you can say all that after this one incident? Seriously? With no back history, you are happy to say the OP's mother is toxic and she should never be allowed near the OP again? Is that how you go about dealing with everyone who ever has an off-day with you?

Wow. Just wow. It must be great for all your relationship problems to be solved that simply and that quickly.

can I just clarify - for two weeks your mum had two children to look after from 1 to 4.30 a day whilst you were in hospital. That doesn't sound too awful to me.

I think a mother should want to do this, but not all mums are like this (not mine anyway).

Could be there were some issues with her and DH, which possibly went right over his head.

Sound like a cooling off period is needed before a decision needs to be made, and IMO I would agree with DH about her behaviour. You don't need this agro just after giving birth and a C -section and your hormones will be all over the place making you feel more emotional.

Let them be a while - if they want to see the children - they'll have to make some overtures to you - if they're nice, perhaps you can be nice. But your DH probably needs some time to get over this.

She never visited me in hospital, she said she was too busy in the morning and night and she had the Dcs in the afternoon but I was expecting that because she has never visited me while I've been in hospital.

She had a c-section with me and Db so she does know how it feels

FetchezLaVache -Dh is very happy with himself at being called ACE

Your mum is toxic.

oh for gods sake, stop quoting psychobabble from books and websites

nah, on the other hand lets all shove people into pigeonholes and labels and treat them en masse eh

Oh FFS, this screaming and shouting at a OP with fresh CS wound, not phoning up and moaning like that, not once but at least TWICE and then IN PERSON and repeatedly refusing to leave.

Too Ffing right that person would not darken my door for a VERY long time, if NEVER tbh.

This is not a woman having a bad day, this is WAY more than that. she is being positively vicious to her own daughter, disrespectful and verbally abusive. It is a campaign designed to hurt her own daughter, for what reason, who knows. It's immaterial.

NO-ONE has the right to behave like this with ANYONE.

The way i see it, until that woman learns to treat her own daughter with some respect in her own home, to show some compassion for her, and listen to her own son in law, then why have her over?

It IS simple. LIFE is SIMPLE. No-one should have to deal with this.

So seeing as I am only ONE of MANY voices saying the same thing, how come stripey and hilly are picking MY name out? Why am I being singled out? My comments were to the OP, she is free to do whatever resonates with her, or not.

As someone said recently Blood may be thicker than Water, it merely takes longer to clear up.

Personally I'd not let anyone in my home that ignored my children when they were trying to interact with them. Family or not.

And Id certainly not let someone in my home who abused me whilst I was recovering from a major operation.

I would not let her back in until she apologises and sees how mean she has been.

She is your mother if you cannot rely on her when times are rough, when needs must who can you rely on? Seriously.

She should have relished the time with her grandchildren, and been there for you when you came home from hospital, not treated you like shit.

I'd suggest she concentrates on her suffering social life for a while, and when she sees a window that she might like to fit you into, get her to call and see if it's inconvenient with you.

Cannot believe that a mother would behave like this.

Congrats on your little one, and hope you feel better soon.

I don't know your mum and what your back story is. Obviously you don't have to put up with this, especially in your own home and probably everyone needs cooling off till you decide how you want to deal with this.

However looking aft young children for hours every day can take it's toll, not everyone copes well or is really fit enough. My MIL had my kids a lot during a family crisis and shortly after she took a major breakdown she never really recovered from. Only you know how she has been in the past and if this is par for the course or sort of out of character.

the way shes treated you, at a time like this, is imo, abusive.

very very telling that she waited till your dh was out before she stared abusing you too...

yanbu to not let her back in until she realises what shes done, the cowbag

As far as I'm concerned, it doesn't matter what the back story is- anyone behaving in this way in my home, when I am recovering from a hospital stay, would be turfed out and told that huge apologies were expected before I would even consider letting them through my front door again. And that, imo, would be me being extremely nice- my gut reaction would be to keep them out for some considerable time.

As it is, this is your mother- who should be more sympathetic to you right now. Sure, if she felt she had been badly treated/ taken for granted, she might bring it up at a later date in a conversation- but to throw a tantrum like this? Nasty.

Keep them out until she can behave herself. And tick tick V G to your DH.

Oh dear, you obviously weren't grateful enough...sounds like she wouldn't do this in front of your DH ideally - so perhaps she realises on some level, that she is in the wrong
I would ask your DH to call her (he needs to take this off your shoulders at the moment, you have too much going on and don't need this to worry about) and just make it very clear (calmly) that her behaviour is unacceptable. Reiterate that you are very grateful for her support so far, but you / he will not tolerate his wife being spoken to / upset in that way.

Sounds horrible, poor you. Definitely not what you and your family need.

Leave it a while, and give yourself time to recover from the C-section. You can decide what to do about these issues later but for now you need to look after yourself.

I would never do this to either of my daughters because I love them. I am sure you wouldn't either.

She is a shit, walk away and keep your immediate family. I feel for you xxx.

I agree with Fabby.

So in fact the fact you had a c-section and had to stay in hospital, and are now still unwell was turned about so she was the put upon victim. She sounds like she is jealous and attention seeking, and this temper tantrum is all about making sure she is the centre of drama and attention. Do not feed it, if she calls and rants just put the 'phone away from your ear and ignore her, she wants an arguement so she can feed off the drama and then accuse you of being horrible. The less you say and do the less she can claim you are horrible, she will just rant and humilate herself by imagining wrongs.

She sounds just like my mother OP. Toxic. There is a small thread in chat about evil mothers, might be worth a look.