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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let my mum into our home again

53 replies

BirthdayBump2012 · 28/01/2012 18:37

Sorry for the bad spelling, grammer and how long this my turn out to be.

Had Dd 2 a three weeks ago and had to stay in hospital for most of the past two weeks as my c-section went a bit wrong. My mum has been helping take care of two Dcs while I was in. Dh dropped Ds off at mums at 1 and she picked up Dd from school while Dh came to the hospital and helped out and took care of Dd2 and me. He'd then go and pick up the Dcs at 4:30 ish.
We both came home a week ago and we have thanked my mum for her help and Dh got her some flowers to say thanks. She called the next day, not to ask how anyone was but to tell us how much of an incovenience it was that she looked after Dcs for so long and she's missed so much social time because of it. I said I was very sorry and she hung up.
The next day she rang again with the same results. The day after her and my dad came round they sat in the living room. I am still in silly amounts of pain when I move so I am kindof stuck there on the sofa as Dh runs around. (Something I feel awful about but it can't be helped and Dh wouldn't let me anyway)
They sat for ages and just gave yes or no answers. Ds tried to play with them but they wouldn't even look at him so he got really upset. I got annoyed and asked them to at least talk to thier only grandson. My dad got up and played with Ds and my mum gave him 'the look'. Dh gave my mum some tea and set out biscuits because she wouldn't talk at all. She didn't move she just sat there.
Dh took Ds next door for a play date. As soon as he was gone my mum went on a massive rant at me which got really personal and insulting. My dad just sat, and said nothing. Dh came back to find my mum yelling the place down about how horrid and un-feeling I was and a lazy mother and so forth. Dh said they should leave and after 4 attempts they left, and Dh was stuck with me while I cried all over him.

Dh doesn't think we should let them into our home again until my mum says sorry. My sil came round this morning and when we told her what happened she told us how horrid we were not letting her in again. Dh is still holding strong, but I am really not sure what to do.
Perspective would be nice please. :)

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 29/01/2012 20:03

Possibly she felt that thanks and flowers were not enough. I'm not saying she's right for one moment as I would hope any one of us would do the same for our daughters and not expect a bean - plus she insisted on doing it when she didn't need to - but the behaviour sounds to me like someone who was expecting a big fat expensive thank-you and then turned miffy when she "only" got flowers.

I just throw that thought in for what it's worth, but as I say, it doesn't reflect any better on the old witch your mother.

LunaticFringe · 29/01/2012 20:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SecretMinceRinser · 29/01/2012 20:43

Well on the one hand they did quite a bit of care of your children for 2 weeks so can't be all bad in my book. Neither my parents or inlaws would do that for us. The inlaws moaned enough about having dd for a day when I was in hospital having ds. Did your parents offer to have the children or did they feel they had no choice?
However they feel towards you and your dh there is no excuse on the planet for your mil to be taking it out on your ds and upsetting him. I would certainly be making it clear that they will not be welcome in the house again until they have apologised to your ds.

thepeoplesprincess · 29/01/2012 20:58

Um, YABU. She sounds emotionally abusive, both to you and your children.

Would you have been physically capable of getting up and walking out?

olgaga · 29/01/2012 21:37

I've had to read your post a few times to make sure I'm not missing something. Have to say, she sounds quite unhinged to me! What on earth is her problem? I am really shocked that any mum could be giving their daughter such a hard time right after major surgery. Not sure in these circumstances why on earth your SIL wouldn't support you and your DH either!

Try to forget it, concentrate on yourself and your family for now. You have been through a terrible ordeal, you need to rest and recover. At least your DH sounds supportive.

I think your mum has a lot of thinking to do. Leave her to it and call in all the help from friends that you can. You really don't need her kind of "help".

Really quite amazing!

FetchezLaVache · 29/01/2012 22:15

SMR: she had alternative childcare lined up, but her mother basically stepped in and said she really really wanted to look after them instead, so OP let her.

TheFogsGettingThicker · 29/01/2012 22:34

I am livid on your behalf.Angry

If that had been me and that little scenario had taken place, I would never let her in my house again. I wouldn't even speak to her until she had apologised.

And your dad, sitting there saying nothing. I'd need an explanation from him too.
It does sound like she was expecting more kudos for helping out, but I don't see anything wrong with what you did. Especially as she insisted.

I am glad your DH intervened on your behalf.

CardyMow · 29/01/2012 22:40

I agree with Fabby. (VERY unusual). And all the other posters who are saying that you do NOT have to put up with beingtreated like this out of some sense of 'duty'. Just because she is your mother, it doesn't mean that she hasn't behaved awfully towards you at a time she KNEW you were vulnerable. I wouldn't be letting her back in either.

gardenplants · 29/01/2012 22:44

She has the hallmarks of an abuser IMO. The worst thing is that she waited til your DH had left, waited til you were alone, vulnerable, in pain and unable to fight back and abused you.

Tryharder · 29/01/2012 22:44

Why don't you ask out outright what her problem is?

SecretMinceRinser · 29/01/2012 22:47

Oh right must have missed that bit Blush
Has your mum behaved like this before op? I assume not if you were happy to leave your kids in her care!
What did your mum say when you (I assume) pointed out that it was her that wanted to take the children and she wanted them for longer than she ended up having them? Surely there would be no answer to that!
And what led up to her attack on you or did she just start calling you lazy etc without prompting?
It seems like she has behaved very strangely and unpredictably - is it possible she is in some way unwell?

Lueji · 29/01/2012 22:47

What a selfish and self-centred bitch!

Your OH is right.

In fact, distance yourself as much as possible from her, or you'll end up as my own mother in relation to herself.

PomBearAtTheGatesOfDoom · 29/01/2012 22:48

"fuck off you cow" is a complete sentence OP - use it next time she attempts to contact you, if you can bring yourself to even speak to her. I wouldn't. Shout it through a locked door and then forget she's there.
I hope you feel better soon and your recovery from your section goes well now.

LovesBeingWearingSkinnyJeans · 29/01/2012 22:49

Did most of it compare you to when she had a csection? She sounds to me like she feels you were over tge top with hospital stay and sitting down when she came round. Not saying you were just wondering if she thinks you could/should be doing more because she could?

bushymcbush · 29/01/2012 23:02

She's not normal. My dad and step-mum (not even my real mum, only my step-mum who I have known since I was 27) have cheerfully cancelled a 6week trip to the other side of the world just because I am having a high risk pg and might (note 'might') give birth prematurely (before they were due to be back). I said to them today, 'What if the baby is born at full term?' and they said it didn't matter one little bit. And they mean it. And when I do give birth, I can guarantee that they will be over every day, on an 80 mile round trip, helping look after my older dc, walking the dog, cooking meals, etc etc and will not complain once.

That is normal parent behaviour.

Your dh does sound lovely btw.

Lueji · 29/01/2012 23:29

or you'll end up as my own mother in relation to herself.

Sorry, I meant, my own mother in relation to her mother (my gran).

Blush
Ghoulwithadragontattoo · 29/01/2012 23:43

Did you thank her for the help she gave while you were in hospital? She is obviously way out of order talking to you like that in your own home but it does sound as though she feels taken for granted and has finally snapped.

MildlyNarkyPuffin · 29/01/2012 23:54

I'm reall sorry that you've had to deal with this at such a vunerable time.

It is so lovely to hear about a good, supportive DH. He is absolutely right. Her behaviour was indefensible and until she apologises - and your father explains why he sat there and said nothing - she shouldn't visit.

You've got enough on your plate without this kind of crap to deal with.

MildlyNarkyPuffin · 30/01/2012 00:00

Ghoul, the OP has said that:

They never asked her to babysit and had alternative arrangements sorted.

The mother phoned just before the OP went to hospital and pushed to do the babysitting herself instead, offering to do more hours which they declined.

The OP and her DH said thank you and bought her flowers.

Ghoulwithadragontattoo · 30/01/2012 00:06

I know and it does sound bad behaviour on mum's part. But it's possible mum ended up taking on more than she'd intended or there is something else at the root of what does sound uncharacteristic behaviour.

OP - Would you feel happier just saying you don't want to see your mum again or is it worth trying to talk to her to get to the bottom of why she is suddenly behaving like this? You don't have to do it now while you're recovering and have 3 DCs to look after but I would be reluctant to cut my mum off on the back of a single incident when she was under stress.

Kewcumber · 30/01/2012 00:16

I was taken into hospital as an emergency a few years ago and kept in for a week - single parents with 3 year old DS.

My mum had him to live with her for the week, got up and took him to nursery every day, picked him up, brought him to see me i hospital every afternoon navigating London traffic to a hospital with a specialist unit that she didn't know how to get to. She is on her own (divorced) and was 70 at the time, diabetic, arthritic and in remission from cancer.

Then did it all again last year when a similar thing happened aged 72. I hope I would do the same for DS and a thank you and a bunch of flowers would more than suffice (I bought my mum some mugs Blush)

Of course my mum is particularly fab but yours sounds from what I've read so far particularly shit.

But she won;t apologise because she doesn't understand what the problem is.

LAbaby · 30/01/2012 01:16

Your mum doesn't sound like the kind of person I'd want around my children. So I understand where you r DH is coming from.

Boomerwang · 30/01/2012 01:38

I agree with the posters who say leave it for a while until you are fighting fit again, and then talk to your parents about it. Find out what was going on in their heads for your mother to talk to you and behave like that. Sounds to me like your father was just following your mother and didn't necessarily feel the same way.

Obviously MN can only form opinions based on what is presented in the OP, and it does sound like a horrifying situation and your parents do sound completely unreasonable and offensive, but I get the feeling you don't really wish to cut ties with your parents so I would take the opportunity at a future date to do a bit of air clearing. I would do this in a neutral location, not at your place.

You will decide whether the situation is resolvable after a calm discussion.

esselle · 30/01/2012 02:35

I am so sorry that you have been through this. Your Mum sounds like a rude self centred bitch! A big hooray to your lovely DH!

I would whole heartedly agree with your Dhs actions and not allow her back in the house until you get a full and genuine apology.

You have more than enough on your plate at the moment without dealing with all this shit too.

When my DD was 10 months old I got really sick and ended up in hospital for 8 weeks. My Mum flew over from Australia for 9 weeks to look after DD. At the same time my MIL reduced her working hours to part time to help out also. She was driving up to London a couple of times a week from Winchester. I can't imagine how we could have coped without them.

Thumbwitch · 30/01/2012 02:52

Your DH is fab. Your mother has behaved like a complete bitch and you should indeed demand an apology for treating you so appallingly given the condition you are in at the moment.
So fucking what if she felt a bit "put upon" - she has only herself to blame. And it is no way the behaviour of a reasonable adult to come round to your daughter's house, sit there without saying a word, ignore your grandson, and then proceed to verbally beat seven bells out of said daughter! That is insanely selfish behaviour.

Fuck her. Don't even phone her until you are ready to, and when you do, FFS do NOT apologise. YOU have done nothing wrong here, she has behaved abysmally.

I hope your MIL is nicer than your own mum. :(

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