Husband secretely takes day off

[katieks]

This morning I discovered that I had forgotten the kids bag when I dropped them off at childminders so drove home to get it. When I got home, my husband was in shorts, curtains drawn playing Playstation in the lounge. I asked why he was dressed like that and he said he had taken the day off. He never told me that he was going to take the day off. Until I had left for work, everything had been run the usual way and I expected he was going to work (I leave earlier than him). He also had to rearrange a delivery from a couple of days back and had rearranged it for today so he obviously had planned it before-hand.

He doesn't think it's a big deal - I do and was quite upset driving back to work. When I got back this evening I asked if he had done this before and he said no. I just think it's awful that he didn't even tell me. What do you all think?

Mellymook's and Dustinthewind's posts are really perceptive, I think.

You don't 'give up' your life just because you have a partner and have children. I think that some parents focus too much on the childrens' wants/needs to the exclusion of their own wellbeing and I don't think it's healthy at all.

For me the biggest issue in this OP's thread is that her husband felt the need to lie/not disclose his day off. He should have been able to mention it in conversation without fear of pressure being applied. The same for OP, of course. Adults need downtime and if that means that children miss an activity once in a while or extra toy, so be it.

bloody hell, pages and pages and no op yet.

hope your chat went ok op.

Stealth I couldnt enjoy a secret dayoff knowing DH was driving out of his way to take the DCs to nursery, and dashing out of work, letting people down to pick them up when he didnt have to. It would ruin my secret day.

Thing is Stealth, I can't see anywhere on this thread where the OP has said that she had to go out of her way because of this. Often it is more convenient (and uses less fuel) for the person who is going out anyway to do the school/childminder drop off because it is on the way and already planned into the schedule.

Nor can I see where she said she had to dash around or let people down. The only thing really was having left their bag behind and going back for it - which really wasn't her husband's fault. Apart from that it looks like his day off didn't change her day at all - so not really a huge deal?

Of course it changed her day...she found out he was a sneaky sod

Totally agree with AF - its the sneakiness that would piss me off.
Everyone is entitled to time to themselves though.
I think the grind of work/young DC can be overwhelming and its easy for resentment to build up over "who has more time off"-hence the sneakiness.

Best thing we ever did was to enable each other to have our own time.
Sat mornings he would do whatever he liked run/swim etc while I did chores and had DC. Then we had a nice lunch together and then he cleared up lunch things,washed car,did gardening,bins etc with DC while I went off to friends,for Coffee,mooching around shops in peace,gym etc whatever I felt like doing. Sundays were spent together- if it was nice out for the day or roast dinner .
Chores divided equally and specifically to avoid arguments .
Now I hand a list of chores to teenagers

Northernwreck - Why do these men/boys behave like children, and then act offended when women treat them as such? what a good point, so many threads on relationship section could do with this point being made!

DH has taken days off work when I'm at work and DS is at nursery, and as he's cycling mad, has gone out for a long ride (4 or so hours) but also if he has things he needs to get done, he's done them on his days. Running the household isn't the OP's "job" and he shouldn't "be given a to do list" - there should be a 'to do' list for the household, he is jointly responsible for getting them done, either on days off, or evenings/weekends. He's not another child to be organised by the OP, but if his lesuire time only is availlable at the cost of the OPs, then it's not acceptable.

I would be super suspicious if I found out DH took a day off and didn't tell me, because it would be out of character for him to be selfish. I would assume there was something he wanted to do that he didn't want me to know about.

Also agree with stealth, while I drop DS at nursery on my work days and then rush to the train station, when DH has a day off, he often will take DS so I can get on an earlier train, or at least get DS dressed so I can leave a little earlier, meaning that I get in to to work earlier, can leave earlier and we can have a nicer evening together. It takes 15 minutes out of his "free day" but makes a big improvement to our family life. But then my DH is kind.

Sarah thats broadly how we arrange our time too and it really is essential to have time to yourselves. The thing that would get to me isn't having the time off it's the lying about it, or if not an outright lie, not actually saying you are going to have a day off work.

Exactly what LydiaWickham says.

I have no beef with the DH having some time to himself, but it needs to be fair.

We try to apportion me time in our house, so because I have Friday off, DH has gym time on Sat morning and has had a few more weekends than me. It is fair on DH, me and DS.

As the DH didn't tell her the OP would have had no opportunity to get her return favour time off becuase he hadn't told her about it, plus if he had taken DCs to CMs then she could have got in to work earlier and they could have had more time together in the evening.

I couldn't do it because I'd feel too guilty. But I'd be pissed off if DH did, only because he could let himself do so without feeling a similar guilt!

With that in mind YaBU, I'd love a day off, and if in orer to a achieve it I had to not disclose it all the better for me. Guilty pleasure!

The most I have been able to do is extend my half day to encompass lunch.

One day, I really will take the whole day, when kids are at nursery and go to a day spa or something.

there's always a 'to do' list in running a home, and ALWAYS more than can be done... sometimes, just sometimes, an individual needs a day off from the 'to do' list.

if my dh knows i've had a day off then i would feel far far too guilty if he came back to find no extra housework done and nothing ticked of 'the list'. he wouldn't bother, but i'd feel like a lazy slattern.

it's a sad life when being on your back with flu in bed (or sneaking a day off that nobody knows about) is the only chance you genuinely get to be 'off'.

I don't lie, and I have no time for people with a casual relationship with the truth.

And I do judge them, because they are untrustworthy and stand for nothing.

Worthless, in other words.

Having alone time is not at issue here.

What is at issue us effectively stealing your alone time from your partner's bank of alone time by lying.

I'm amazed by the lack of conscience of people who can only enjoy time off if their spouse doesn't know about it.

You know about it - either it's a fair request, in which case make it, or it's an unfair request, in which case go to fucking work and stop bleating about your entitlement to be 14 again.

We work shifts around childcare so have many days off whilst the other is at work.I think a balance between helping the partner who has work get out of the door on time,doing some household chores and having abit of leisure time is the way forward. I do stuff then have a watch of the tv,coffee with friends or mn and dh will play ps or surf the net.To me when he is off and im at work it means i get the luxury of a shower or time to do my make up whilst he makes my lunch and sees to the children.The op's husband could have taken the dc to the minders and give her a precious few moments to get ready for work and then had his me time whilst maybe getting a bit of tea ready.Surely.

Coming home to find DH having a selfish day off? I would have burst out crying

good god!

and women want to be taken seriously LOL, can you imagine a man bursting out crying if their OH took time off without mentioning it

LOL again

I used to often take a day off while ds was at nursery. I never felt guilty about it, as it kept me (relatively) sane.

I run our little houshold alone, and tbh I don't think I really have a "to do list". I do the things that need doing, like laundry,shopping and washing up because we need clean clothes, and to eat etc.
If I shared my home with another adult I would expect them to do these things to without the need of any kind of list of having to tell them what to do.It's obvious what needs doing: no food- go shopping. Child is hungry? Feed them!

It's like LydiaWickam say-her DH does the things he need to get done.
If a woman feels that her DH will only pitch in with running the house if she is continually reminding him of the things that need doing, who's fault is that?

This is not about people with kids not being able to have their own time, it's about lying and sneaking around for fear of being told what do!

but I think people read into this what they want to. We don't know that he lied. We know that he didn't tell his dw at the time, but we don't know that he didn't intend to, the delivery would have been there after all when op got home. So I think that to accuse him of being deceitful off the back of his being at home when op got home is just coming to the conclusion you want..

Fwiw I would be a bit if my dh took a day off and didn't tell me, but then I remember answering a phone at work one day and telling a colleague's wife that he had a day off that day and she'd had no idea, and the speculation that followed in the office afterward... But I think dh wouldn't need to not tell me he was having a day off - he would just mention he was, for whatever reason.

But I think we need to be really careful about this whole "lying by omission/tell dh everything" attitude. After all where do you draw the line with that? If I go to the supermarket and buy myself a huuuge bar of chocolate and bring it home and eat it all to myself while dh is at work and ds is at school, hide the wrapper in the bin so nobody ever knows am I a deceitful lier?

If I go to a friend's house for coffee after the school run, or to the shops, or bump into a friend and we head out together when actually dh is used to the fact I usually come home after the school run, and I don't run it past him first am I being deceitful?

Because really, isn't it the same? If your partner expects you to be somewhere at a certain time and you change your plans without informing them, regardless of the fact that your change of plan doesn't actually impact on them, don't they still have the right to think you are lying and deceitful? Why is there a difference between taking a day off work without telling your partner and going for a coffee without telling them? The truth is that there isn't. Yet no-one would say that it was deceitful to have gone to a friend's house rather than straight home in order to carry out my sahmly duties, and yet people think it is if the person stays home rather than going to their paid job..

But it's no different really.

it sounds to me like he has been really stressed at work (clue is in the working long hours!) and he really needed time to himself, doing the boy thing (gaming) without any distractions; telling the op he had the day off must have felt like a burden.

My dh is working away at the moment (for the past 5 weeks) Monday to Friday and this is going to continue for the next 3 months. He wanted to meet up with his oldest friend this afternoon to watch a football match - which I have given my full blessing to even though it means that myself and his 2 ds do not see him for another afternoon as I know that he needs this time to relax after a very stressful week. I do not begrudge him this as I know that this few hours will be a lot more beneficial to us all as he will have been able to fully unwind and it will make the rest of our time together more relaxed and not as stressed.

At the end of the day aren't relationships about give and take - we are not all the same and some people need to have this time in order to function fully with life!

I took a 'lazy day off' and the night before i actually set the alarm at the usual time. . Not because i wanted to deceipt dh but to make myself happier in the morning. I 'pretend' to myself that i'm working next day. Does anyone else do this or i'm totally bizare?

I 'm more [sock] @ the comments about the e-mail password. Noway i'm letting anyone having my password. And i've got nothing to hide. I've just checked my mails, they were from Tesco and Monarch Airlines.

sock??

why are you shocked at the passwords? My dh doesn't know mine; I know his as I was the one to set up his email accounts etc (unless it involves an xbox controller then he doesn't know how to do anything IT wise )

I don't think it's shocking to know someone's passwords.

I think it's shocking to think you are entitled to know them.

There is a difference.

cricket I don't know how to explain it really. I just want some space and privacy. And am happy to give that to others too.