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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect my special needs Son not to be abused and humiliated by his father?

60 replies

mumandthree3 · 27/01/2012 10:51

I'm worried sick. My ex physically and mentally abused me and my children while we were together. He carried on abusing the children once we separated during access visits. I stopped the children going.
My ex took me to court to get access again. He had supervised visits and he was the model father of course. He was granted unsupervised fortnightly visits. Now the abuse has started again.
I spoke to my Sons Social worker who was about as much use as a chocolate fireguard. I cant get a response from the solicitor despite several phone calls.
I know i'll be in contempt of the court order if I dont send them but my instincts say dont let them go. They are supposed to go tomorrow.
What shall I do?
Has anyone else experienced problems with an abusive ex?

OP posts:
worldgonecrazy · 27/01/2012 11:01

Can you get a different solicitor? Ask to speak to the social worker's line manager? Keep pushing, because you are definitely not being unreasonable. Sorry I can't be of much more help.

ObiWan · 27/01/2012 11:02

How old are the children? Are they old enough to speak up, or to have some say in whether or not they see their father?

Are they in physical danger if they see their father tomorrow? If so, and you have evidence of abuse, you could try the police I suppose.

If they are telling you what their father does, they will be able to make the case for not having to see him unsupervised. Try phoning social services and asking to speak to your social workers manager or supervisor.

Perhaps you could look into getting a different solicitor?

mumtosome · 27/01/2012 11:02

I would suggest that in light of SW lack of interest and inability to contact solicitor, you contact the police and report the alledged abuse. This will (hopefully) begin child protection procedures and therefore stop the kids from going at this point but keep you right at the same time.

Completely understand why you don't want to send them. Hope ot all works out and your children are ok. xx

BupcakesandCunting · 27/01/2012 11:03

YANBU

I think that you might get some more informed responses if you post this in Relationships too. The women there are fonts of knowledge.

Sorry, I have no other advice. :(

foglike · 27/01/2012 11:43

Why haven't you reported him to the police if he's been physically abusive to the children? (If you already have what did they do about it?)

Start a diary and start reporting him to the police if he does it again.

This is obviously difficult for you but you have to get proof if you have to go to court.

Original poster
mumandthree3 · 27/01/2012 12:44

Thank you for all your replies.
I have now heard back from the solicitor. She has advised that I will be breaching the court order if I do not send them. However as I feel there is a safety issue she suggests notifying ex of my decision and she will apply to the court for a variation of the order.
My youngest children are 6 and 8. The 8 year old has special needs.
Believe me, I have been very active in reporting the abuse. He has been arrested and cautioned. I do not feel that enough weight is given to his actions by the authorities (cafcas, social services, courts) in terms of what happens while he has the children for access visits. Will they wait until the worst happens? I live in fear of getting a visit by police to tell me the worst news. I'm not exagerating. My son who has special needs gets the brunt of the abuse as ex doesn't understand him, and cant cope with him. There is no excuse for abuse.
He's a real pig, but a charming, influencial one. Everyone gets sucked in by his lies.

OP posts:
keepingupwiththejoneses · 27/01/2012 12:53

Se if you can speak to you local CAFCAS, they should be involved as access was arranged through the court. I have been through this a long time ago.
I would think about getting a new solicitor. He can apply for an emergency order to suspend access until you can get a date for a hearing. I would also post on Legal and see if anyone there can help further. Do not let him or your solicitor guilt you into sending them. Good Luck.

WorraLiberty · 27/01/2012 13:07

What sort of abuse? Can you give an example?

Please try not to refer to your child as 'My special needs son' as that'll do no-one any good in the long run.

coraltoes · 27/01/2012 13:10

OP I have no advice, I just want to say this sounds tortuous for you. I hope you find a way to protect your boy.

MrSpoc · 27/01/2012 13:14

Op if everyone seems to be ignoring you, ie social services, police courts etc. Can i ask, what the ex is doing?

Is he actually abusing them because a 6 & 8 year old should be able to tell the authorities what is happening.

Remember alot of people acuse their ex's of abuse in order to stop contact.

runningwilde · 27/01/2012 13:14

How awful! I don't understand how he is allowed to have them?! Do you live in the UK?

Worra - I dont think it is up to you to tell the op how she should describe het son and she is simply stating he is her son and he had SN. Who are you making this a negative thing?

WorraLiberty · 27/01/2012 13:25

Read it properly running...I didn't 'tell' her anything.

However, imo it's not good to label anyone with a disability or any kind of condition before you've mentioned them as that can and does have a negative affect on a child growing up.

Original poster
mumandthree3 · 27/01/2012 13:29

Worra I think the description of physical and emotional abuse is enough. I can write a book on the abuse I and the children (4 in total) have suffered in the past. I was with him 8 years. However this post really relates to the immediate concerns of the contact tomorrow and later on.
I referred to my son as special needs as that is what he has, and it has a direct influence on the circumstances.

MrSpoc the children have told the authorities what he does. And yes I have been made to feel like I am one of the people that cry wolf. But medical and police records prove that I am not lying.

BTW I'm sorry I dont understand what some of the abreviations mean!

OP posts:
saintlyjimjams · 27/01/2012 13:33

Can your SW help (I don't know how much influence they have in this sort of case, sorry)? If she could but simply isn't you could tell her that you will hold her personally responsible if anything happens to your son. And put that in writing. That usually spurs social workers onto doing something ime.

Do you have proof of your ex's treatment of your son?

MrSpoc · 27/01/2012 13:35

Then somthing does not add up. I'm not calling you a liar but if there is evidance to prove the abuse, then why would any court grant him access?

If you have proof then i would put a complaint into the police and IPPC if you have too. I would not stop until the Ex is clearly out of your life.

Original poster
mumandthree3 · 27/01/2012 14:05

Mr Spoc I have complained to social services. Documents have been sent to court. I think the courts see it that the absent parent should see the children. which under normal circumstances I would agree with. They are trying to decide the best course of action and another CAFCAS report is due in March.

His solicitor based the case on the fact that 'it was in the past', which it was by the time the case got to court 8 months later! I have been fighting it for 20 months.

The court asked for the CAFCAS report and subsequently Core Childrens Services 'Assessed' him with the children in a supervised environment. I felt it to be a rediculous situation. Of course he didn't do anything while he was there being watched. My son did not cope well with the new environment and It was difficult to get him to go. Despite having discussed at length the problems I could foresee for my son, I was viewed as being unhelpful after arriving late as my son hid under the car. I had already been informed of the importance of arriving early. So once I got him out I brushed him down as best I could. I informed CCS of the situation. I was then critiscised by them for him being 'unkempt'. I have found that the various authorities have been biased against me.

What is IPPC?

OP posts:
MrSpoc · 27/01/2012 14:13

If his solicitor has based his argument as "it was in the past" and you know have proof it is still on going, then you have him banged to rights.

With egards to your son. Are the authoritires aware of his behaviour and how he acts, because him making you late due to his disability should not be an issue.

IPPC is the Independant police complaints. If you have proof of abuse and it is not being taken seriously, ask them to look into it.

Original poster
mumandthree3 · 27/01/2012 14:18

I see what you mean. It hasn't taken him long to revert back to the usual behaviour.

Yes they are aware of it. It really is as if they are more worried about meeting his rights than keeping the kids safe.

Thank you for your advice.

OP posts:
altinkum · 27/01/2012 14:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrSpoc · 27/01/2012 14:27

Op - can you at least enlighted us witrh regards to the abuse.

Altinkum has a point. Due to your relationship with your ex your view could be scewed. It would make sense why no other authoritive figure seems to be helping you.

Has he hit your children, left marks, had to take them to hospital due to his abuse etc.

Original poster
mumandthree3 · 27/01/2012 14:32

Altinkum I can assure you that I suffer no confusion as to what is factual. I don't want to post the actual abuse, its enough to know thats it physical and emotional.

What is YADNBU?

When I first posted I was seeking advice and am very grateful that people have taken the time to try to help.

OP posts:
MrSpoc · 27/01/2012 14:33

You Are Defo Not Being Unreasonable (YADNBU)

altinkum · 27/01/2012 14:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hiddenhome · 27/01/2012 14:38

I don't want to cause you undue worries, but be careful about stopping contact. My friend's ex was abusing his children and she went down this route of stopping contact. It went to court and she was villified for doing this and they ended up by seriously considering a transfer of residence. She had to be interviewed on several occasions by a psychiatrist. She totally believed she was doing the right thing, but, because they children were clean, fed and reasonably well looked after, she didn't have a leg to stand on and the court totally rejected her concerns. Mental/emotional abuse is so hard to prove that they honestly disregard it unless the child is suicidal or seriously self harming and disturbed - mothers are even blamed for these things as well Hmm

The courts are utterly determined to ensure that non resident parents have contact with their children and even sex offenders and spouse beaters are granted contact. Unless your children have been beaten to within an inch of their lives or poisoned, their father will be given a contact order and you're risking a lot by going against it.

My ExP mentally and emotionally abuses our son and there's very little I can do about it as he's clever and able to hide what he does. Thankfully, ds1 is now starting to see his father for what he is and, once they get to 13, they can pretty much decide on the contact pattern that they want.

Birdsgottafly · 27/01/2012 14:44

Op could you answer these, please and don't goon anyone's post whotells you of their experiences, it changes between Local Authorities and time scales. (Especially ignore things such as child abusers have to have contact)it's not my experience at all and is very unhelpful.

Were your children subject to a Child In Need, or Child Protection plan?

Who dictated the supervised access and was it conducted in a Centre by Family Support Workers?

Was there a parenting assessment done?

How mature are your children and are they saying that they don't want contact?

Did they have a Children's Guardian?