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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Tell me IANBU. I feel like a real meanie :(

52 replies

catinboots · 26/01/2012 09:30

DH usually goes snowboarding every year with his friend. He looks forward to it all year and he never really does anything for himself or spends money. He works hard.

This year we talked about the possibility of me and DS1 (12) going as well. My job doesn?t allow me to take holiday out of school holidays, so when we looked at the prices we realised we wouldn?t be able to afford it. DH suggested just taking DS with him but his school doesn?t allow holidays in term time either (and is quite strict about it).

We agreed that DH would just go with friend as normal. Yesterday DH announced that friend is bringing his GF and her two DSs (which she is taking out of school). I am friends with GF and her DSs are friends with my DS (different school).

I said to DH it would be unfair on our DS1 for him to go snowboarding with friend, his GF and her DSs. DH said well we won?t bend the rules will we? (meaning me)! I said it?s not fair that he sees friend?s GF?s DSs being rewarded for breaking the rules. DH said well DSs reward will be he does well at school!! I know DH thinks I'm being uptight re school rules.

I said it?s not a good message for DS that he gets left out just because we stick to the school rules re holidays.

DH agreed not to go and he has been fine about it. But now I feel like the bad guy. Especially because he hasn't even got the ump...

AIBU??

OP posts:

AtYourCervix · 26/01/2012 09:33

can you not tell school the trip will be educational and let DS go?
also DH has probably not got the ump because secretly he doesn't want to go on holiday with someone elses family and needed an excuse not to.

sharenicely · 26/01/2012 09:35

What is your ds going to look back on in years to come? The week he spent in school or his amazing family skiing holiday.
Life is about making memories and you will be making a bucketload by going skiing.
yabu

wannaBe · 26/01/2012 09:39

I think yabu for not wanting dh to go, and your reasons are wrong.

"I said it?s not a good message for DS that he gets left out just because we stick to the school rules re holidays." I disagree, the message you are giving your ds is that school and his education is important.

it's not punishing your ds fgs some people get to do things he doesn't, that's life.

ObiWan · 26/01/2012 09:43

I'd definitely let your son go, even if you have to send them off without you.

The worst the school can do is fine you. Your son will not have his education destroyed by going on holiday for a week.

If you really don't want your son to go, I can't for the life of me see why you'd ask your husband to pull out - I'm sure your son wil cope with the fact that he can go away another time. What his friends are doing is neither here nor there.

Original poster

catinboots · 26/01/2012 09:43

I know that wannabe.

But do you think it's fair on DS to see his dad going off on a skiing holiday with someone elses DCs (similar age), when he can't go?

OP posts:

Kayano · 26/01/2012 09:43

I sort of think meanie sorry. He'll have some hard years coming up soon and he is at an age where he would keep those memories for life.

I went on hol at that age term time and it was awesome.

MJinBlack · 26/01/2012 09:46

Let DS go

ShirleyForAllSeasons · 26/01/2012 09:46

This will be the last year that you will realistically be able to pull him out of school for a week - I truly would have let him go.

Sorry!

aldiwhore · 26/01/2012 09:46

I think YABU to disallow your DH to go on this trip because his friend doesn't share your values.

YANBU to not wish to attend though, although I'm kinda with your DH's friend regarding holidays like this to be a fantastic experience, however if that is something you can't reconcile yourself with, that is your absolute right. You have the moral highground.

Your DS is not being punished. If he doesn't go he doesn't go, simple as that. Your DH should not guilt trip you. Your friend's DS is not being rewarded for truancy either. Its simply different strokes for different folks.

Is there absolutely no way you can all go during the school holidays?

spottyscarf · 26/01/2012 09:48

YANBU I can see your point, it won't be nice for DS to know your DH is on holiday with kids he knows. More to the point, won't your DH feel weird tagging along on what has now become a family holiday?

I think the best thing is for your DH not to go and use the money and his annual leave time towards a family holiday for all of you. But then I am uptight about school holiday rules too!

spottyscarf · 26/01/2012 09:48

I think the best thing is for your DH not to go and use the money and his annual leave time towards a family holiday for all of you. But then I am uptight about school holiday rules too!

newbiedoobiedoo · 26/01/2012 09:49

Sorry but I think you're being a bit of a meanie! :(
I would let them both go! It's one week out of his entire educational career!

duckdodgers · 26/01/2012 09:50

But do you think it's fair on DS to see his dad going off on a skiing holiday with someone elses DCs (similar age), when he can't go?

Well where does it say life has to be "fair"? The only reason he cant go is because you are not prepared to pull your DS out of school for a week (and that is your right of course) - so I dont see why your DH has to miss out! As for him not being bothered either he doesnt want to go anyway or doesnt want a fight with you about it.

wannaBe · 26/01/2012 09:53

You were happy to let your dh go. The fact that other children are going shouldn't change that.

OrmIrian · 26/01/2012 09:54

I think you are right. He's in secondary school and whilst I can see that it might not matter so much in primary my experience of secondary (especially after yr 7 which is a sort of settling-in year) is that everything counts! It's such a short time until they are embroiled in GCSEs. Whether your DH should ot should not go is debatable - I guess that depends on how it would affect your son.

WilsonFrickett · 26/01/2012 09:57

I think you are being a meanie - and I completely agree with you on term time holidays. But I really don't see why you have to punish your DH for your principles. I think this is about you looking like the bad guy -
'Dad, why can't I go on holiday if child X is going?'
'Because your mother says you can't have time off during term time'

If you believe in your principle then you have to suck it up sometimes. DH should go.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 26/01/2012 09:57

I think you're being very unreasonable. The friend's domestic arrangements are nothing to do with your family. It would be a better example to set your son that different families do different things, you do it THIS way...

I feel sorry for your DH. DCs shouldn't be the overriding consideration of everything and certainly not from the circumstances you've given.

Ghoulwithadragontattoo · 26/01/2012 09:57

YANBU - Obviously you have no control over what the other family do but for your son to see his Dad going along with them sends a confusing mixed message. I will seem like he is getting a rough deal because you rightly follow the rules. I reckon your DH is happy to pull out as now this is another family's holiday and not the mates trip he'd planned. To be fair it sounds like your DH understands and respects your point of view even if he might have made a different decision if solely down to him which I think shows him and your relationship in a good light.

coraltoes · 26/01/2012 09:58

What's all this "let your DS go" crap?! The op has it right. Rules are rules, school is school. There are loads of holiday weeks, just because they are priced out during holiday time does not mean it is right to go during term time!

It sends all sorts of conflicting messages to kids when parents bend school rules.

coraltoes · 26/01/2012 09:58

I do think your DH should go though. Why would your DS even need to know the other kids were there??

fedupofnamechanging · 26/01/2012 10:00

I think that if your dh gave the holiday a miss this year, then you could put aside the money and next year you will all be able to go (during the holidays).

I think a holiday with his mate is one thing, but it has now turned into a family holiday with your dh tagging along. That alters the kind of holiday your dh would be having. I wouldn't fancy that much if I was him - that's probably why he isn't upset.

Stop feeling guilty - you got the best result imo and you could all go next year.

olgaga · 26/01/2012 10:01

I don't think YABU. I know the temptation is great because of the cost, but your son has the rest of his life to go skiing. It's not easy to replace a week's learning, particularly at secondary school.

I also think the fact that some people bend the rules is irrelevant. Every one of us would like to have a cheaper holiday, but most people are happy to put their children's education first as it is far more important.

It's not fair for any children to see others going on holiday in term time - which is exactly why the school shouldn't allow it for anything other than urgent family reasons.

Your DH should be annoyed with his friend, not with you. After all, it's his friend who has turned this regular arrangement with his friend into a situation where he is tagging along on another family's holiday.

Stick to your guns - you are doing the right thing by your son and it's not your fault your friends have made it complicated.

CailinDana · 26/01/2012 10:03

As a teacher I would never have a problem with a child being out for one week in their whole school career to go on a special holiday. From talking to other teachers I think most of us feel that way. It's a pain in the arse if you have help the child catch up when they come back of course, but that happens anyway if they're sick. It's different of course if parents take the piss, but if a child generally has good attendance then I can't see the harm. There's more to life than school.

toddlerama · 26/01/2012 10:07

If you think you are doing the right thing by your DS by making him stay in school, it makes not a jot of difference whether your friends follow suit or not. You will be able to say to DS that this is the best decision for him and no amount of others being allowed will change that.

If you feel a bit sheepish about him missing out, maybe it's because he IS missing out. It's only a few days, you will make sure he catches up. He wont do anything life changing in school that week, honest.

olgaga · 26/01/2012 10:08

It's a pain in the arse if you have help the child catch up when they come back of course, but that happens anyway if they're sick.

Sickness absence is unavoidable, and there will always be a certain amount every year. That's why it's wrong, in my opinion, to take additional absence which can be avoided. Catching up is a "pain in the arse" for the child as well as the teacher!

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