Tell me IANBU. I feel like a real meanie :(

[catinboots]

DH usually goes snowboarding every year with his friend. He looks forward to it all year and he never really does anything for himself or spends money. He works hard.

This year we talked about the possibility of me and DS1 (12) going as well. My job doesn?t allow me to take holiday out of school holidays, so when we looked at the prices we realised we wouldn?t be able to afford it. DH suggested just taking DS with him but his school doesn?t allow holidays in term time either (and is quite strict about it).

We agreed that DH would just go with friend as normal. Yesterday DH announced that friend is bringing his GF and her two DSs (which she is taking out of school). I am friends with GF and her DSs are friends with my DS (different school).

I said to DH it would be unfair on our DS1 for him to go snowboarding with friend, his GF and her DSs. DH said well we won?t bend the rules will we? (meaning me)! I said it?s not fair that he sees friend?s GF?s DSs being rewarded for breaking the rules. DH said well DSs reward will be he does well at school!! I know DH thinks I'm being uptight re school rules.

I said it?s not a good message for DS that he gets left out just because we stick to the school rules re holidays.

DH agreed not to go and he has been fine about it. But now I feel like the bad guy. Especially because he hasn't even got the ump...

AIBU??

Schools have to present a "zero tolerance" attitude to children being out in term time because otherwise there will always inevitably be the few parents who take their children out every term. OFSTED are very strict with attendance targets too. However, most teachers would admit that a child missing a week once in a few years makes absolutely no difference to their education. Having had a child miss weeks for chemotherapy and then attending that child's funeral, I'm quite happy to wave a child off for a holiday.

Let them both go and you can enjoy a week of peace after work! I used to feel very strongly about taking my kids out of school during term time - I still have not done it yet, they are 7 and 5 - as I, as a previous poster said, thought it gave the wrong message to the children. However, the recent teacher strike made me think what kind of message is that giving to the children - imposing a day off during term time?!! So I feel less strongly about it now, how dare they do it and then complain when we want to. Yeah I know it was only a day but it's the principle and the message. So send them both and they will love you for it and make sure you get to go somewhere equally as good when you are not working!

Personally I would let Ds go. But if you won't, I certainly wouldn't stop your husband.

I think if your dc goes to school and works hard, he'll be able to go anywhere he wants when he finishes school surely? And he'll make memories wherever he is.
It does grate on me that the price of holidays is so high during out of term times, but that's something you can't change.
My dc is not even at school yet, but I am adamant we will not be taking dc out of school to go on holidays (especially secondary).
YANBU imo, and your money will be better saved going towards a family holiday that you can ALL ENJOY later in the year.

YOU ARE A MEANIE FROM MEANIE TOWN

If he makes up the work, it really doesn't matter.

I will never ever agree that children should never miss school ever.

He's only twelve. It will take one morning for you to catch him up with missed work.

Have you asked the school if he can have the time off? If they say yes then let him go, surely it's worth a try.

YANBU and I think you and your dh have done the right thing.

There is no need to ask the school because your ds will not now be missing out on anything as dh isn't going. He will benefit from you all being able to spend time together in the holidays.

I would massively big up your dh's ego though by telling him how pleased you are that he has agreed to stay at home without complaining about it. I'm sure he will appreciate that his descison is appreciated.

Yeah that'll really help them both get over missing a fantastic week in the snow with their mates for no good reason.

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

It depends on whether you think the fact that it is term time and that one member of the family couldn't go anyway is a good reason or not.

Personally, I think that is a very good reason.

Each to their own.

But it sounds like he goes alone every year, rarely spends on anything else and the OP herself says he deserves it. So the only difference this year is that the friend is taking his family...DH and I don't holiday separately but this family obviously do, happily.

The school said they have a zero tolerance policy for holidays in term time. I personally agree with anyone who has said that missing school won't hurt him. I know it won't affect him in the long run and he can catch up easily.

I just don't want to piss the school off (strict grammar, had to fight to get in on appeal, DS is not exactley a model student)

By that I mean DS likes to clown around and has had a few detentions and been on report once

What does it matter if you piss the school off? Are you afraid they might try to suspend/expel your son at a later stage?

YANBU.

I agree with him giving the holiday a miss this year and all doing it next year. I'd have thought dh would feel a bit out on a limb if the other chap is bringing gf and dc. The fact that he has agreed and not in a sulky way may mean that he realises this too.

So because of your fear of authority, your ds and dh suffer?

It is a week. A week!

Be honest with the school. He probably does German or French or something? Write them a letter about how you are going to an un-touristy ski resort as this would give him the chance to practice the language, and state you're taking a laptop so they can email work home?

They aren't going to say or do anything about it.

Well I reckon you and DH should go and leave DS at home with family/friends! Cos I am meaner

I can guarantee that in his late teenage years and early twenties your son will be having all sorts of holidays while you stay at home! Mine certainly seem to. So don't worry about things being unfair for him now.

i think it would be quite peculiar for your DH to go with someone else's family. i think the previous poster is right, he doesn't really want to go either.

I don't understand why after initially agreeing to your DH going alone, you've now backtracked because you and DS can't go?

If you want to stick by the rules (and that is your right) then do so, but don't punish your DH in the process. Let him go on the skiing trip and save up so that you can all go away next year.

share - I don't fear authority! Abiding by the rules doesn't mean you fear authority

Reindeer - I'm not punishing DH. I just think it would upset DS if his dad were to go on a skiing trip woth someone elses kids! At no point have I mentioned punishing him...

*with

DH agreed not to go and he has been fine about it...he hasn't even got the ump...

Just thought I'd reproduce this, because some posters seem to have got the wrong end of the stick, thinking OP is being mean.

The fact is, DH is missing out on his anticipated snowboarding break with his mate because his mate, not the OP or even the DH, decided to turn it into a family holiday this year.

OP I repeat I doubt your DH is bothered anyway - who wants to go on holiday with someone else's family? As others have said, the money you save will give you all a better holiday together later in the year.

I don't think you are being a meanie

You're right

Have another holiday, as a family, some other time.