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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My bloody Father in Law

61 replies

JingleMum · 25/01/2012 22:23

he's got me so annoyed tonight, i keep laughing because if i don't i'll cry!

he's a lovely man, good heart, but incredibly nosey and in your business... he always has been in the 11 years DH and i have been together.

long story short, we are buying a bigger place, we want to expand our family in the future and need a proper home. we are in a position financially to do so and are really looking forward to it.

FIL keeps getting me on my own (either in person or on the phone) and telling me we are rushing into it and that we should wait 6 months to see if house prices drop any more. i nod politely and say i understand where he's coming from, but we are cracking up from lack of space and feel it's definitely time to move on. he sighs....

anyway, we've found 4 places we like, they are within our budget and we are trying to decide which one we'd like to put an offer in for. he has taken it upon himself today to drive to these properties and inspect them, he has also took it upon himself to find other houses he finds more suitable and has phoned me tonight to tell me what he thinks... he dislikes the ones we have chosen for numerous reason (so many reasons i couldn't begin to list them but one of the reasons is the road is too narrow) he has given me a list of houses he feels we should view because he prefers the area they are in (way outside our budget but he told me they would probably drop the price by 40grand if they are in a rush to sell!!) he told me he was going to drive back to one of the houses we like tomorrow maybe knock so that he can see if it has as much potential as we feel it has.

i don't want to tell my husband about the telephone conversation tonight because i don't want him to kick off at his dad, then again he probably wouldn't as he's used to his doing doing things like this all the time.

would i be being unreasonable to say something to my FIL next time he brings this subject up, rather than tell my husbad to? or should i leave it alone and let him get on with it and carry on smiling through gritted teeth. i keep thinking life's too short to cause any tension?

OP posts:
Rhubarbgarden · 25/01/2012 22:31

Smile and wave. And do your own thing. He sounds exactly like my Dad.

Original poster
JingleMum · 25/01/2012 22:35

rhubard - thanks for the reply. it's just getting to the point where my blood boils when he brings it up. if it was one of my parents i would have told them to but out a long time ago.

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 25/01/2012 22:37

He sounds a bit of a bully to me.

Doing all those things for something that has nothing to do with him is a bit weird, he might try to pass it off as doing it for you out of the goodness of his heart, but it's interfering on a grand scale.

I bet he's banking on you thinking he's gone to so much trouble that you'll give them some thought.

And to try and play you off against his DS, who he knows will give him short shrift, is very sly.

You have to say something or he'll be under the impression he's entitled to his opinion. Maybe see he listens to you before you tell your DH? But make sure you're not subtle about it, firm but polite, don't give him any reason to twist what you say into somthing encouraging him.

pictish · 25/01/2012 22:39

Smile and nod OP, smile and nod.
Then do whatever the hell suits you anyway.

Cut telephone conversations regarding the subject short....have a pot on the stove or something.

Can't believe he's going to have a look at your preferred house himself. Nosey old bugger eh?

Smile and nod.

troisgarcons · 25/01/2012 22:41

He's trying to be helpful

they would probably drop the price by 40grand if they are in a rush to sell!! he's also quite probably right there

Im not understanding the 'should I tell my husband' because you are in a partnership where everything gets discussed (Or I would hope you are)

smearedinfood · 25/01/2012 22:41

I'd tell your DP and speak to him together

pictish · 25/01/2012 22:41

I agree with agent too - he's VERY overbearing.

ReduceRecycleRegift · 25/01/2012 22:41

tell him you've found some other places you're more interested in and send him off to stalk these other houses that you actually have no interest in so you can get on with doing what you want

then STOP TELLING HIM SO MUCH!

Itsallgonetitsup · 25/01/2012 22:44

OMG! This would piss me off. Its such an awkward situation though cos you dont want to fal out with him in the long run.

Can you get caller display on your phone or just let the answer phone kick in (this is how I deal with my MIL -from hell). And then let you DH call himmback and deal with any fallout. Not the best approach - more of a bury your head scenario. Then just nod, ooh and ahhh but do what you want and live where you want.

Some people really struggle to let their kids grow up and actually live their life as independent adults. It may be us in 20 years - God forbid.

troisgarcons · 25/01/2012 22:45

It's kind of sweet he wants to help TBH

MildlyNarkyPuffin · 25/01/2012 22:46

STOP TELLING HIM SO MUCH!

TripleR speaks sense.

He's choosing to talk to you because his son wouldn't stand for it! Stop giving him all the details about your plans when you know he's so likely to interfere!

Original poster
JingleMum · 25/01/2012 22:46

thanks for replying everyone

agentzigzag i don't think he's bullying, i think he feels i'm the softer touch as he knows my husband would tell him to keep quiet. i do think you're right about being firm and polite.

troisgarcons have to disagree about dropping by 40 grand, surely no-one is in that much of a rush to sell?? no, not everything gets discussed between husband and i, and i don't want to tell him if it'll cause a load of hassle. remember, FIL keeps getting me on my own, it's like he doesn't want to tell DH exactly what he thinks, he wants me to tell him.

OP posts:
Original poster
JingleMum · 25/01/2012 22:47

to be fair, i didn't give him any of this info. DH did and then his father decided to call me on it.

OP posts:
PurplePidjin · 25/01/2012 22:48

Is he lonely and possibly bored? Is there some time consuming but not terribly important job he could do for you that would give him that ferling of being involved without you feeling like he's intefering - perhaps he could find out which tradespeople have a good reputation, or how long different school run routes take...

troisgarcons · 25/01/2012 22:50

troisgarcons have to disagree about dropping by 40 grand, surely no-one is in that much of a rush to sell??

Depends where you live and on the starting price. Would be reasonable here to drop 25-30.....so I assume 40 isnt ridiculous.

MildlyNarkyPuffin · 25/01/2012 22:50

Then I'd wait until your DH is in a good mood and tell him what's happened - if he keeps giving out info this will keep happening. Or when your FIL calls tell him he really needs to talk to your DH about that and you'll get your him to call him back later.

TheSkiingGardener · 25/01/2012 22:51

United front time. DON'T TELL HIM STUFF. Either of you. Tell your DH what he has done, laugh about it and then, if necessary, tell him you are buying a share in a commune.

LtEveDallas · 25/01/2012 22:51

Jingle, maybe your FIL does have a point re the £40K drop. My friend put his house on the Market about 6 mths ago for £245K. After 2 sales dropped out he was so desperate to sell (his was about to lose his dream house) that he sold 2 wks ago for £200K.

So, he could be right (but that doesn't excuse his interfering, that would drive me insane)

BandOMothers · 25/01/2012 22:55

Why have you told him which houses you're interested in? Confused I wouldn't tell someone who had these tendencies anything about my plans! I advise you to keep quiet about it all around him in future.

HeadfirstForHalos · 25/01/2012 22:56

You could keep him occupied by giving him details of a few houses you have no intention of buying, I bet you could find some corkers!

Then carry on as you were with the houses you do want and tell him nothing about them.

Original poster
JingleMum · 25/01/2012 22:56

thanks again everyone.

purplepidjin no, he's not bored, he's actually really busy which is why i'm so surprised that he's found the time to drive around to our potential new homes today. he's not lonely either, he has a wife and another child and lots of friends and family. i'd definitely understand more if he was lonely.

theskiinggardener hahahahaha!!!

OP posts:
Flisspaps · 25/01/2012 22:57

What smearedinfood said. Tell your DH, then you both tell your FIL to butt out, however good his intentions may be.

Original poster
JingleMum · 25/01/2012 22:57

for those asking why we gave him details of the houses we like, it was DH, i certainly never!

good idea headfirstforhalos

OP posts:
ReduceRecycleRegift · 25/01/2012 22:59

seriously, send him on a wild goose chase and leave him to it/have a giggle! find some gems down LOOOONG windy roads with no turning room etc, or some REALLY expensive places but tell him the EA said they'll take half and let him knock on their doors!

Heswall · 25/01/2012 23:03

I wish we had somebody looking out for us or advising us on these matters. I know friends are in a much better position than we are purely because they learn from their parents mistakes and were able to turn to them for advice.
Learning the hard way is very overrated in my opinion.