My bloody Father in Law

[JingleMum]

he's got me so annoyed tonight, i keep laughing because if i don't i'll cry!

he's a lovely man, good heart, but incredibly nosey and in your business... he always has been in the 11 years DH and i have been together.

long story short, we are buying a bigger place, we want to expand our family in the future and need a proper home. we are in a position financially to do so and are really looking forward to it.

FIL keeps getting me on my own (either in person or on the phone) and telling me we are rushing into it and that we should wait 6 months to see if house prices drop any more. i nod politely and say i understand where he's coming from, but we are cracking up from lack of space and feel it's definitely time to move on. he sighs....

anyway, we've found 4 places we like, they are within our budget and we are trying to decide which one we'd like to put an offer in for. he has taken it upon himself today to drive to these properties and inspect them, he has also took it upon himself to find other houses he finds more suitable and has phoned me tonight to tell me what he thinks... he dislikes the ones we have chosen for numerous reason (so many reasons i couldn't begin to list them but one of the reasons is the road is too narrow) he has given me a list of houses he feels we should view because he prefers the area they are in (way outside our budget but he told me they would probably drop the price by 40grand if they are in a rush to sell!!) he told me he was going to drive back to one of the houses we like tomorrow maybe knock so that he can see if it has as much potential as we feel it has.

i don't want to tell my husband about the telephone conversation tonight because i don't want him to kick off at his dad, then again he probably wouldn't as he's used to his doing doing things like this all the time.

would i be being unreasonable to say something to my FIL next time he brings this subject up, rather than tell my husbad to? or should i leave it alone and let him get on with it and carry on smiling through gritted teeth. i keep thinking life's too short to cause any tension?

It is one thing to be giving you his opinion of all these houses, it is quite another to say he will knock on the sellers door !!! If I was selling my house I would not want some random person I had never seen before just turning up. That is why most people use an estate agent, and appointments are usually booked through them. I would find it creepy and certainly not let him in. I think you need to put a stop to that right now. For the sake of the poor seller.

Why do you discuss your potential new house with numerous relatives? I've never done this apart from the first house I bought when I was living a couple of hundred miles away and my parents were even further away and I was single and in my mid 20s and a bit uncertain. An uncle helped me out with advice then. Otherwise it has just been husband and I getting on with it and telling relatives after we have had an offer accepted.
It doesn't matter if 101 relatives like your new house or not. Asking their advice is like buying a house by committee, you'd end up with something bland that no-one objects to. Don't let your relatives dictate your price budget either.
Exclude him, and all the other nosy buggers who aren't actually paying for your house.

I feel your pain - when we showed ILs the outside of a house we were thinking of putting an offer on (owners not in) - PIL started to say it was rotten and damp and started to peel the edges off the outside window sills to show us . I got embarrassed and said we'd better go - so he went back to the car and got a heavy torch out and started battering the bits that hadn't come off easily. We couldn't get him out of there quick enough (criminal damage?) ... btw it was a very old (very cheap) cottage so nothing that we didn't suspect was wrong with it...

That would really annoy me. Windows and windocills are easily replaceable provided you allow for replacing windows in the purchace price. I suspect younger people are happier about buying an imperfect house and renovating it than older ones who can't see beyond the current state. I'm more concerned about basic house structure, house location, room lay out and state of the roof, although the latter can be changed like the windows it's a hassle repairning rooves.
If someone came round and regularly moaned at my house I'd be asking them not to come again if they can't visit me without making nasty comments. Some of you have horrible relatives. Perhaps mine are nice because they are a long way away.

That would drive me insane, ignore, ignore, ignore. But, do look at a couple of houses just over your budget, we paid 55K under the asking price for ours, I think it was overpriced to start with but this could also be the case with properties you'd be interested in. When we got our last house valued to sell we got 4 agents in to give valuations, the difference between the highest and lowest valuation was 40K ! Also, if you do put an offer in on the house at the top of your list at the moment, start low, you can always up it, that'll leave you with more money to make any of the improvements you fil thinks it needs.

Smile and nod, smile and nod-and do your own thing. There is no need to discuss and justify. If you feel you have to do say something wait until you are under way with the buying process and say 'thank you for all your efforts but we decided on x'. Don't get drawn in-if he persists just say, mildly, 'we are all different, we liked x and I really don't want to discuss the reasons' and change the subject. 'If he really pushes it say ,mildly, I get really bored with the subject-lets talk about something else' and change the subject.
People can only discuss things if you let them get words in!

I totally agree with everyone who is saying stop telling him so much. We have had to stop telling mil anything because to do so invites oPinions and criticism. So now we say nothing and it has made a huge difference.

It is sad though in someways as there are some big things going on in our life at the minute that you would normally tell your family about but we jus can't as I can't risk any offensive opinions or "helpful suggestions".

My parents didn't see the outside of my house until after I'd had an offer accepted on it, and even then I was reluctant to take them to see it until it was properly 'mine'.

I can also remember viewing a flat with my exBF with his parents there - I made a very innocent comment about being impressed with the amount of storage space there was in the bedrooms and exMiL GRABBED me by the wrist, dragged me upstairs and started rattling the cupboard doors by the admittedly rather dated, but perfectly acceptable, handles saying 'Look at those handles, the doors don't even shut properly!'

I pointed out that if we did move in we'd be able to replace the handles or EVEN the entire doors without too much trouble, if we wanted to. The idea of not buying a flat because you didn't like a door handle! Honestly!

Am reminded of the Father Ted episode where another priest starts attacking the bookcase in Ted's living room saying 'Ah you could just talk that into coming down...it's shoddy, shoddy workmanship!'

You need to tell DH what's happened and then together stop giving him information to beat you over the head with. You know what he's like and you are giving him ammunition.

Feel your pain.

Everytime I see that moving house is one life's top stressful moments I wonder if everyone elses in-laws are as bad, glad to have it confirmed.

My FIL took my parents aside and passionately accused them of talking us into buying our wreck of a house and gave us two years.
The place is now stunning, 'worth more' to us both as a home and in terms of money and we've managed to have two kids and seven great years.

FIL when I asked him 'lightheartedly' a couple of years ago had no recollection of the conversation

again, thanks for all the replies. too many to individually reply to so i'll address what i can...

it's not me telling him ANYTHING, it's DH. bear in mind he doesn't say anywhere near as much to DH as he does to me. as i said in OP, he gets me on my own (when DH is not in the room, or he phones me when he knows DH won't be in)

yes, he does feel his opinion is wanted and needed as DH tells him everything, but as i've said before surely there's a line? i feel he crosses it by telling me what he feels we should do, and constantly listing negatives about every decision we have made so far in regards to house hunting.

we are asking a couple of relatives advice (including FIL) about extensions/house layout etc... not "do you like our house" "shall we buy this house" yet he insists on telling me what we should and shouldn't buy for stupid reasons.