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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My bloody Father in Law

61 replies

JingleMum · 25/01/2012 22:23

he's got me so annoyed tonight, i keep laughing because if i don't i'll cry!

he's a lovely man, good heart, but incredibly nosey and in your business... he always has been in the 11 years DH and i have been together.

long story short, we are buying a bigger place, we want to expand our family in the future and need a proper home. we are in a position financially to do so and are really looking forward to it.

FIL keeps getting me on my own (either in person or on the phone) and telling me we are rushing into it and that we should wait 6 months to see if house prices drop any more. i nod politely and say i understand where he's coming from, but we are cracking up from lack of space and feel it's definitely time to move on. he sighs....

anyway, we've found 4 places we like, they are within our budget and we are trying to decide which one we'd like to put an offer in for. he has taken it upon himself today to drive to these properties and inspect them, he has also took it upon himself to find other houses he finds more suitable and has phoned me tonight to tell me what he thinks... he dislikes the ones we have chosen for numerous reason (so many reasons i couldn't begin to list them but one of the reasons is the road is too narrow) he has given me a list of houses he feels we should view because he prefers the area they are in (way outside our budget but he told me they would probably drop the price by 40grand if they are in a rush to sell!!) he told me he was going to drive back to one of the houses we like tomorrow maybe knock so that he can see if it has as much potential as we feel it has.

i don't want to tell my husband about the telephone conversation tonight because i don't want him to kick off at his dad, then again he probably wouldn't as he's used to his doing doing things like this all the time.

would i be being unreasonable to say something to my FIL next time he brings this subject up, rather than tell my husbad to? or should i leave it alone and let him get on with it and carry on smiling through gritted teeth. i keep thinking life's too short to cause any tension?

OP posts:

Original poster

JingleMum · 25/01/2012 23:11

heswall there's a line though, surely? before we made any final decision we would always consult FIL, we'd also consult my father and a couple of memebers of my family who buy and sell properties for a living and know alot more than my father and FIL put together. we are not excluding him or saying he can't have any say whatsoever, i honestly feel that whilst he may be trying to help he is sticking his nose too far in. i couldn't see any of my friends putting up with it, i feel like i let him do this too often.

OP posts:

skybluepearl · 25/01/2012 23:14

let him get one with it - hes probably enjoying all the research. you make your own decicions though and can just smile and nod with him.

skybluepearl · 25/01/2012 23:15

now is a good time to buy probably. imagine the market will be quite similar in 6 months.

Clickety45 · 25/01/2012 23:16

Be greatful that a/ he is still around b/ that he still cares...... but remember to not get bogged down in this rubbish!

Miette · 25/01/2012 23:17

When we told my parents we had put in an offer on our current home. they drove over to it without us knowing and knocked on our neighbour's door and asked them questions. I was really cross. We were not 18 years old, we were 31 and had been married 2 years. If they had been contributing towards it that would be different. I would have had to suck it up, but they were just interfering. (Many other examples of my mum's bonkers interfering behaviour.) I like the wild goose chase idea. You could tell him about some hovels and some mansions. Best to keep the real ones to yourself until you move in i have found.

Original poster

JingleMum · 25/01/2012 23:22

what's annoying me the most is the one we really like is the one he is trying to put me off, he keeps listing the negatives (which we are more than aware of and to be honest they are nothing worth worrying too much over) he's raining on my parade! he keeps going on about it to me, if he feels strongly he won't let it drop.

miette i would put alot of money on it that my FIL did that today. it baffles me.

OP posts:

anonacfr · 25/01/2012 23:28

Sounds oh so familiar.... For all those who think he's being sweet and helpful, if he's anything like my SIL's FIL if you buy one the places he didn't like every single time he visits you he will make negative comments.

They (DH's sister and her husband) were looking for a place to buy. Her FIL hijacked the whole project as apparently he knew about property (whatever that means- I guess he watches Location, Location, Location).
They went against his 'expert' advice and he got really cross. Then they didn't re-design the bathroom the way he suggested and he got even crosser. Now every time he visits he makes snide comments about the house and all that's wrong with it. Apparently he finds something new to criticise every time.

eaglewings · 25/01/2012 23:29

Agree you need to put him off the scent, then keep quiet

It will be your home not his, you and Dh decide.

Repeat the phrase, thank you for your concern.

Then tell him the right address just before you move in

anonacfr · 25/01/2012 23:34

Just read your last post. You poor thing.

If you like the place just make an offer now. Don't tell him until you know if it's been accepted and then ignore his comments.

Think of the bigger picture. You want a place where you can see yourself raising your kids. It doesnt matter if there some issues as long as you love the house and you are prepared to invest time in it.

Original poster

JingleMum · 25/01/2012 23:37

i guess i could deal with him driving around and having a look at the ones we are interested in, that's fine. it's the constant negatives about the one we like most, and he also informed me that DH's brother said the area we are looking in "is a bit rough" how the fuck DH's brother would know this is beyond me as he still lives at home and has no friends who live in the area. it's a fairly affluent area with fantastic schools and nice people (we live nearby already but in a much smaller place) even though i know this, them saying things like this is putting doubts in my mind.

OP posts:

BettyBedlam · 25/01/2012 23:38

He sounds a nightmare (though I agree with him that house prices will drop soon and you will get a bigger upgrade for your money then).

Original poster

JingleMum · 25/01/2012 23:38

anonacfr thanks so much, i know what you're saying is right.

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Original poster

JingleMum · 25/01/2012 23:41

bettybedlam really, you think they'll drop further? that would be fantastic, but the thing is since we had our baby we have no room and we feel claustrophbic. it's making our relationship suffer, we are not happy were we are due to severe lack of space. i think it needs to be sooner rather than later and i don't think FIL gets that, even though he's been told plenty of times.

OP posts:

anonacfr · 25/01/2012 23:51

Depending on your budget I wouldn't wait.

There are neveer any garantees re house prices and there's the risk that you'll miss out on a house you really like. A few years down the line you might look back and think for the sake of £££ you settled for the lesser home.

I think buying a home (as opposed to a house) is an emotional purchase. You can always find cheaper but you it's rare to find a place you'll like coming home to every night, have family Christmases in, see your DCs grow up in etc.

It sounds like you know the area, you've done research re schools etc.

Trust your own judgement!

BettyBedlam · 25/01/2012 23:52

I would have thought so. It's not exactly a good economic climate out there [bhmm]

CheshireDing · 26/01/2012 00:05

Nobody knows for definite what is going to happen with the current housing market. Yes there are some good deals out there and if you want to move now, can afford to, are happy with the price and will stay put in the new house for a good few years then you migt as well by now.

We have just bought for £50,000 less than the sellers paid but by the same token we have reduced our house a little to sell it - whereas in "the old days" we would not have needed to do that, but at the same time we would not have been able to afford the new house in "the old days".

FIL should butt out because he could hinder potential negotiations, your DH needs to learn to keep information to himself in future . I think FIL is getting you to one side because he knows you are too polite. MIL does this with me when she knows she has done wrong (such as getting me alone to see say she has done our ironing - she has never stayed over at our house since!).

If you like it and have done your research put an offer in, if you are happy it's nothing to do with him. Nosey old bugger

Original poster

JingleMum · 26/01/2012 00:07

anonacfr your last post really spoke to me. you're so right in what you're saying. thank you.

OP posts:

Original poster

JingleMum · 26/01/2012 00:10

cheshireding thanks for your post. i think you are definitely right about him thinking i'm too polite, i just don't want it to get to the point where i become a walkover IYSWIM.

OP posts:

MerryMarigold · 26/01/2012 00:13

Look at some out of budget ones. My parents dropped their price by 20% . OK, not many people are such mugs, but some are especially if they're in their late 60's.

WeShouldOpenABar · 26/01/2012 00:51

I thought it was too much to offer 40k less then asking but my mother convinced me otherwise, we compromised on 30k reduction, if you dont ask you wont get

foglike · 26/01/2012 03:52

If you don't find him controlling then he probably isn't so play that part by ear and just nod and make small talk about it...but do tell your DH.

How old is your FIL anyway? Is he really old or just old to you?

NinkyNonker · 26/01/2012 08:07

If you're not planning on moving on it isn't the end of the world if prices dip a little. We only got a £15k drop on the place we're buying, which is about 8%...average for our area as it turns out. But it was a good price to begin with and offers the potential we want and the space we need, so hopefully no need to move again.

Your fil sounds like he wants to help, but also like he doesn't respect you as adults. I suspect whichever place was your favourite would coincidentally be his least favourite!

diddl · 26/01/2012 08:32

In your OP you put that he is a lovely man with a good heart.

If your husband gives him all these details, perhaps he thinks that his help/advice is wanted/needed?

FlangelinaBallerina · 26/01/2012 08:38

OP, not to comment on his behaviour particularly, but as others have said, he might be right about sellers being willing to price drop. There are lots of reasons why someone might be desperate for a sale- they're moving away for work, they're selling a dead relative's home and need some money quickly themself, they're divorcing. Just something to bear in mind, and doesn't necessarily mean you should look at the dearer houses either. But it means the ones you're looking at might end up being a bit cheaper than you think. Obviously depends a lot on area and other factors too.

AvengingGerbil · 26/01/2012 09:12

we are not excluding him or saying he can't have any say whatsoever

Jingle, why aren't you? Unless he's paying for the house, why should he have a say on your purchase?

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