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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

or is my DB?

83 replies

littlemissstan · 25/01/2012 15:05

Hello - I'm new so please be gentle - though am genuinely interested in what you have to say, as I really can't work this one out.

I got engaged this weekend (yay!) and have never wanted to have an engagement that lasted years and years. Though, need to save too, so was vaguely looking at April/May next year.

My DB is getting married next July, having got engaged over a year ago. I rang him and asked how he felt about me potentially having a wedding before his. He said he didn't really care. But it now turns out he's been to the rest of the family crying how unreasonable I am, I have now been accused of trying to upstage him, to have my wedding overshadow his. This is nowhere near what I was trying to do, but just wanted a spring wedding not too far away...

Am I just being totally selfish and U? The weddings would be 2 months apart, I would not have it like the week before or anything. They would be very different in tone, location. Yes, some family will attend two weddings in the space of a few months, but it is hardly as if they are going to turn round and say they're only coming to one! He also told me that his fiancee might want to move theirs to the winter anyway - so am I then meant to put all my plans on hold and wait some more?

Friends say he's just being precious, but I can sort of see where he's coming from. Though he has always always got his own way and been left alone and not made to do anything he doesn't want to as the precious baby (I'm the oldest) and I sort of feel that this is the same thing...

Argh! Any advice?

OP posts:

Ilovedaintynuts · 25/01/2012 15:09

My first thoughts were that YANBU but from your last paragraph I think you might just be meaning to piss on his chips and take the shine off the day.

I also think it is a bit rude to decide to get married 2 months before an already planned wedding.

I honestly would have been pissed of if my sister had got engaged after me and then booked a wedding two months before mine.

Ilovedaintynuts · 25/01/2012 15:11

Also your brother has been CRYING to other family?
Really? Slight overreaction comes to mind.

tabulahrasa · 25/01/2012 15:13

I wouldn't do it more from the point of view that going to a wedding costs a fair bit and two within two months for close family members is a large expense

Chubfuddler · 25/01/2012 15:13

People need to get over themselves about weddings. The idea that you cannot get married before him is absurd. Just ignore.

IloveJudgeJudy · 25/01/2012 15:13

I think YABU. He has already been engaged and arranged his wedding. You then come along, get engaged and decide to get married within 8 weeks of his, and before his. It does seem like you are trying to take the shine off his do.

My DB2 waited until the year after DB1s wedding for this very reason - so as not to upset anyone. I think this is what you should do.

HippoPottyMouth · 25/01/2012 15:13

could you do september instead? seems a bit more polite

TopazMortmain · 25/01/2012 15:14

Why is everyone not just happy to have another wedding in the family?He is being horribly precious IMO...

NinkyNonker · 25/01/2012 15:15

Yanbu. How ridiculous.

blondie80 · 25/01/2012 15:18

This happened to my friend with her husband to be's dbro and fiancee booking their wedding for 4 week before said friends already booked day.

I thought it was unreasonable of them to do so then.

You aren't being totally selfish, but really why not wait until the next spring?

SetFiretotheRain · 25/01/2012 15:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Geordieminx · 25/01/2012 15:20

I can kinda see where he is coming from.

I have 2 friends, one getting married soon, been planning wedding for 3 years, other friend got engaged at new year and has booked her (much more extravagant) wedding for 3 weeks later. A lot of the same people will be attending and I kinda feel sorry for friend 1 as everyone is now concentrating on friend 2's hen/wedding. Although tbh friend 2 is lovely and probably hasn't realised.

Agree September would be more gracious

NewYearsRevolution · 25/01/2012 15:20

YANBU. I do not understand the modern 'me me me' obsession with weddings. They are about two people pledging to spend the rest of their lives together, but so many people seem to treat them as a reason to be the centre of attention for months on end.

The only thing I would say is that weddings can be quite expensive. Can family and any shared friends cope with the expense so close together?

NinkyNonker · 25/01/2012 15:20

2 months, not 2 days! Jeeeez. How long a gap is deemed acceptable then?

snuffaluffagus · 25/01/2012 15:21

YABU. I'd have been a bit put out by this too to be honest. Two months is really no time at all.. how about you have a nice autumn wedding instead?

I got engaged just after a friend but made sure my wedding was at least 6 weeks after theirs, even though I really wanted to get married a bit before.. it's just manners.. and that was a friend, not my brother!

Original poster

littlemissstan · 25/01/2012 15:22

Thanks everyone - I knew this was a bit of a divided issue! I can totally see the reasons behind both responses, which is why it's so hard.

I really don't want to upstage him - included the last paragraph really to show why I think my DM is backing him on this one - he's staying with her at the mo for some training course and yes, genuinely cried to her about it last night...

Thank you all for your thoughts - looks like I've got some proper thinking to do!

OP posts:

tardisjumper · 25/01/2012 15:24

If he wanted to make sure he got married first he shoudl have got married sooner.

Looking at the dates it seems ther could be 3 years between getting engaged and the wedding. Are people supposed to not get married for a 3 year period? Thats VU.

I also understand what it is like to be portrayed as the big bad older sister.

Chubfuddler · 25/01/2012 15:25

Would he be on any less of a pet if your wedding was two months after instead if before? Or does he think 2013 is "their" year? I suspect the latter .....

Chubfuddler · 25/01/2012 15:26

What tarsus said basically. No reason why you can't crack on with married life just because he is taking so long about it.

NinkyNonker · 25/01/2012 15:27

This is what happens when people have crazy long engagements. 2 whole months. How much of the year does he own then? Just pull it forward a month.

PopcornMouse · 25/01/2012 15:30

YANBU. Getting married first will not make his day any less special (and if it does, I think he needs to think about his motivations for getting wed?!!)

The same thing happened to me, only I was the long-term engaged person and it was a family member that got engaged and rushed to plan a wedding before ours. It made no difference to mine and DH's day at all.

TimothyClaypoleLover · 25/01/2012 15:35

TBH I think YABU to get married 2 months before him. I know everyone gets far too precious about weddings etc etc but if you were my sister I would have been a bit pissed if you had done this to me. Not to mention the fact that weddings are expensive affairs for family and friends to attend and presumably there will be a lot of the same people at both your weddings.

Maybe your DB didn't care initially but when he mentioned it to his fiance she got upset about their thunder being stolen. In any event I think you need to sit down with them and explain there is no malice and be prepared have your wedding later. Obviously if they move theirs to winter it is not an issue but I think you definitely need to have a discussion with them to stop any potential family fueds.

TimothyClaypoleLover · 25/01/2012 15:37

Also, from your last paragraph OP it could be interpreted that there is some long running sibling rivalry which might only fuel the situation.

Original poster

littlemissstan · 25/01/2012 15:47

Tbh, I will probably back down and move to September - just wanted for once for people to not pander (sp?) immediately to all his demands. Which, as a couple of people have pointed out, is probably a lot to do with a heap of boring childhood stuff... It has just made me cross that he has got my Mum's DP to call me and tell me off like we are not both grown adults!

Thanks again chaps!

OP posts:

RubyLovesMayMay · 25/01/2012 15:54

Whats all this shite about upstaging him??

You want to commit to your partner and get married, as does your brother, does it really matter who does it first?

Does his wedding hold more value becasue he arranged it before yours or is there something Im missing.

Is he worried everyone is going to forget he exists or something.

OP, your marriage, your wedding do what the hell you want.

If you keep re-arranging your life to fit around your brother, where will it end?

What if you want to start a family, will he expect you to hold that off until he has started one? (either of you havent already got children)

How old is he?

NewYearsRevolution · 25/01/2012 15:55

So call him out on that point OP!

Call him up and say that it upset you that he told you it was fine and then complained to your family, making you look bad. Ask him to tell you things to your face.

Horribly difficult, but may be important if you want to lay some childhood demons to rest?

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