Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

or is my DB?

83 replies

littlemissstan · 25/01/2012 15:05

Hello - I'm new so please be gentle - though am genuinely interested in what you have to say, as I really can't work this one out.

I got engaged this weekend (yay!) and have never wanted to have an engagement that lasted years and years. Though, need to save too, so was vaguely looking at April/May next year.

My DB is getting married next July, having got engaged over a year ago. I rang him and asked how he felt about me potentially having a wedding before his. He said he didn't really care. But it now turns out he's been to the rest of the family crying how unreasonable I am, I have now been accused of trying to upstage him, to have my wedding overshadow his. This is nowhere near what I was trying to do, but just wanted a spring wedding not too far away...

Am I just being totally selfish and U? The weddings would be 2 months apart, I would not have it like the week before or anything. They would be very different in tone, location. Yes, some family will attend two weddings in the space of a few months, but it is hardly as if they are going to turn round and say they're only coming to one! He also told me that his fiancee might want to move theirs to the winter anyway - so am I then meant to put all my plans on hold and wait some more?

Friends say he's just being precious, but I can sort of see where he's coming from. Though he has always always got his own way and been left alone and not made to do anything he doesn't want to as the precious baby (I'm the oldest) and I sort of feel that this is the same thing...

Argh! Any advice?

OP posts:
Ample · 25/01/2012 15:58

I'm not surprised at all that he gets his own way if this is how he behaves. He's acting like a bit of a girl and needs to grow a pair quite frankly.

I could understand if it was a sister (I mean that as two daughters being two brides from one family). I don't think you would be stealing his thunder but I don't think it's worth falling out over either.

At least you can be the bigger person Grin. Oh and I wouldn't call it 'backing down' as such.. think of it as having more time to make it even better!

TimothyClaypoleLover · 25/01/2012 15:59

His wedding does not hold more value because he arranged it first BUT given there are obviously family issues it may look to the rest of the family/outsiders that OP is trying to muscle in even though she is not. And as OP knew when DB was getting married it isn't the same as someone just accidentally getting in before him. Far better to wait until he has got married and then there will not be any issues.

RubyLovesMayMay · 25/01/2012 15:59

x-posts OP

Thats where you and me differ

You've played right into his hand (not that its some kind of competition or anytihng)

Be prepared to be doing this your whole life (if you havent been already)

Your Mum is enabling his strops and you have to go along with it

What does your fiance have to say about all of this?

I think your brothers being pathetic in all honesty.

He's basically telling you when you can and cant get married

(sorry I'll calm down now Grin)

dippywhentired · 25/01/2012 16:01

What happens if you move it to September and they then decide to move theirs to the winter? You will be back to square one. I'd tell him now that you will move yours to September but you won't be wanting to wait any longer so if they change theirs, then tough!

cakeismysaviour · 25/01/2012 16:02

And this is why I just don't 'get' the wedding thing.

Marriage yes, weddings Hmm

puts off planning own wedding yet again

Lancelottie · 25/01/2012 16:03

Um, just get married this spring instead? That should give him time to get over it.

dippywhentired · 25/01/2012 16:04

Oh, and yes he is being precious.

RubyLovesMayMay · 25/01/2012 16:05

Ample not all girls have that mentality though about weddings.

Some of us dont give a shit what people think Grin

Some of us love our siblings and would be happy for them if they were in a relationship that was happy enough that they wanted to get married.

Theres two thing that really piss me off:

1)Adults acting like spoilt brats to get their own way

  1. Being told what I can and cant do, when as an adult you can do what you want.

Think Im projecting a little bit, lets blame the pregnancy hormones.

giveyourselfashiny · 25/01/2012 16:06

So when are you allowed to get married then? Hibu

MrMeaner · 25/01/2012 16:08

If he's genuinely crying about something like this, then I'm not sure he's got it in him to cope with marriage full stop...
Excused slightly if he's 18 or younger...

Flimflammery · 25/01/2012 16:09

Just to keep the peace why not have yours a little earlier, say in March? Then it doesn't overshadow his. I don't understand all this planning a wedding for 18 months stuff. We got married with 6 weeks notice (so that BIL could attend as he was about to be posted abroad).

cakeismysaviour · 25/01/2012 16:11

Flim - I think its because some venues, dressmakers, djs etc need a gazillion months notice to be ready/available for a wedding. Hmm

QuintessentiallyShallow · 25/01/2012 16:13

Get married this spring instead, I agree, just make it a much smaller do. Weddings dont have to be big and expensive.

doggydaft · 25/01/2012 16:14

My SIL booked her (big giant) wedding for 4 weeks before mine. Her reasoning being that "she had been engaged longer" Biscuit

Lots of overseas family only came to her wedding as it was first and they couldn't afford to travel twice. I was not best pleased to be honest but just had to suck it up.

I appreciate you are not doing this for spiteful reasons but your DB obviously doesn't feel that, only you can decide if its worth the bad feeling it might cause.

3rdnparty · 25/01/2012 16:18

I think the length of time between engagements and weddings sounds really really long.(however i am v impatient and we married 7-8 weeks after having decided and it was fab as would have always had a fairly simple do.....)

... if yours is going to be very different in style and his is planned to be a big fancy affair why wait until next apr? why not go for something much simpler this year or months after/before if there are specific things you want that need booking so far in advance......... 2months is a bit close together for your guests if lots going to be the same..

re him crying to mum [bhmm]

cakeismysaviour · 25/01/2012 16:20

Ahh now doggydaft, I can understand you being upset about that.

Its the "oh no nobody else can have a wedding close to mine, all the attention has to be on ME" brigade that I really don't understand. Hmm

RubyLovesMayMay · 25/01/2012 16:22

But the fact is that OP shouldn't have to keep the peace, she doesn't have to base her wedding plans around someone else. Doesnt say much about me but I just would not be told what to do by anyone

Have the wedding you want when you want

ChaoticAngel · 25/01/2012 16:22

YANBU Your brother is being precious and acting like a spoilt brat. I'd be tempted to ask if he expects you to not have DC until he has, if you don't already have them.

LovesBeingWearingSkinnyJeans · 25/01/2012 16:24

Yanbu

I got engaged after my little bro and got married before him, two cousins of mine who are brothers got married two weeks apart.

He's a big baby especially as his date isn't even set in stone. You went over and above asking if he minded and he said he didn't. My guess is this isn't going to be tge only family drama about his wedding.

Original poster
littlemissstan · 25/01/2012 16:25

He is 26, and soon to be stepfather to an 8 year old... I love him dearly but my family has always protected him and coddled him (something to do with him only being 2 when my parents separated, I seemed to be thought more able to 'cope' at the age of 5, a pattern which has continued til now)

I am usually firmly in the 'anything for an easy life' camp, but I would like people to think that maybe I deserve to have the day I would like too. My fiance is trying to mediate - he's had DM's partner on the phone to him too - so is stuck too!

We have discussed having it even earlier, which seemed like a good compromise to me, but it seems that anything before his would cause runctions...

OP posts:
BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 25/01/2012 16:26

He actually cried to you mum about it. Jeez, he needs to grow a pair!!

My bro got married 5 weeks after me....neither of us cared less.

Get married when you want, it's your and your DP's day!

Original poster
littlemissstan · 25/01/2012 16:27

Oh, and to Ruby - my first ever Thanks for sticking up for me so nicely!

OP posts:
diddl · 25/01/2012 16:28

TBH if I´d just got engaged I´d be looking at getting married this year.

I had an 18 month engagement due to studying.

But ideally, after getting engaged in the Jan, I would have married in Spring of the same year.

diddl · 25/01/2012 16:29

Congratulations btw.

cakeismysaviour · 25/01/2012 16:30

Well OP, he hasn't even got a set date so just tell him that you are not prepared to hang around waiting for him to finish his tantrum and set the date. Therefore, you are setting your date for next spring and if he feels that his wedding cannot possibly be close to yours then he can move his to the winter.

He is a prat. Hmm