To not tell my colleague this?

[RienDeRien]

More of a WWYD:
Bit of background - I started a new job last May, lovely people. One of the women who works there lives fairly close, and we have met up for coffee a few time out of work with our kids - she has a daughter aged 2. Her daughter is lovely, really well behaved.

The other day the kids and I went to the library, and saw my colleague's daughter there with her grandmother - who doesn't know me. We were there for about half an hour, as were they, and it that time all she did was shout at this child, told her off, and spoke to her in a really nasty way - I couldn't see that she was doing anything wrong - just normal 2yo stuff - picking up books etc 'Put those books down you stupid girl' etc etc. It was horrible, even the librarian commented.

I've just been to pick DD up from school, and saw the grandmother again yelling at the little girl.

I can't say anything can I - it's my colleagues mother in law. It's just the way she speaks to the child is so horrible.

If it were me I'd have to say something. Sorry.

Please tell her. I don't understand your hesitation tbh - if it was your 2 year old being yelled at by your mother in law you'd want to know wouldn't you?

I would want to know. Awful position for you to be in but I would want you to tell me.

you have to say something

I think you must say something. You'll need to be tactful, but there must be some way you can let your colleague know. If it was your DC, you'd want to know wouldn't you?

You could bring it up next time you see her in a sutble way? Eg "how's your mum now, she seem a bit stressed when I saw her..." and take it from there

Yeah, I would say something to be honest....if she looks after her little girl a lot it could really affect her, it's not nice calling anyone stupid and if she says it enough that poor kid will start to think she is :(

You sound like you have become quite good friends so just gently mention that your saw her mil and was quite shocked by the way she spoke to her dd.

I'd tell her if it were me

You do need to tell her. You'd want to know if it were your daughter wouldn't you?

(and what a horrible old cow the grandma sounds).

If it was the other way round, would you want to know? I would!

You need to say something, otherwise who are you trying to protect?

That's the point - we've had coffee a few times but we're not anywhere near what I would call 'good friends' - she's very reticent about everything and we only ever talk about work or kids - nothing else.
If we were good friends I would have no hesitation, but I do feel like I barely know her.
Totally understand where you're coming from in saying I should tell her.

I would tell her and if my MIL were doing this to my DS (no chance, she takes no interest in him) I would want to know.

I don't think I'd say anything. Other people might think I tell my kids off too much if they caught me on a bad half hour. Who knows what the gran had had to put up with that day and 2 year can sometimes be very fraying on the nerves especially if you don't have them around all the time.

Yes I would have to tell her but I don't envy you. I would probably start with something like 'is everything ok with you mil'

I would say something because as a mother I would want to know myself. I had to tell a friend that I saw her DD out with her CM and chatted to her (the DD) for 10 min wondering who was with her. The CM was having a coffee with friends and hadn't noticed she had wandered off.

It was awkward but ultimately if I didn't say something and something had happened to the child I would have it on my conscience always. I just stuck with the facts and said I thought she should be aware. It wasn't a "close" friend which made it a bit harder but she was glad to be in the know

I would tell her, and I'd most certainly want to know if someone was speaking to my child like that.

There's no doubt it will be an uncomfortable conversation but could you perhaps remark that the librarian commented to you about it and address it that way?

What's the worst that can happen?

I would have to bring it up somehow. Could you initiate a converstion about the difficulty of childcare or something

I think that in situations like this, you have to ask yourself, what if it was YOUR child? What would you want if it was your child. If you would want to know if your child was being constantly yelled at and called stupid, then you should tell someone. If you wouldn't want to know, then keep quiet. (although I can't imagine anyone saying they didn't want to know!). I just believe that you should act how you would wish others would act towards you.

Tell her, tactfully (but not too tactfully-she needs to know the full impact of it).
My sister did this when she realised at school drop-off that an acquaintance's nanny was leaving the 2 younger children (both under 3) in an unlocked car for over 15 minutes to take the older one into school. The car was parked on a busy road in Central London. Very hard, as predictably the nanNy lost her job, but it was the right thing to do. The woman was grateful she had been told.

Please tell her, poor little girl :-(

ohhh that is difficult. TBH I would want to know and I think if you tell her sympathetically then she shoudl be OK. Only you know what it was like / how bad. All parents have bad days and get cross with their children sometimes, but firstly its her nanny and secondly if she is like that in public, lord only knows what she is like with the little dot behind closed doors.

Do you know anyone else who knows her - could they tell her on your behalf? I think you are going to have to do it tbh. But then what happens if you tell her and then the nanna still has her? That might affect your relationship at work..... But unfortuantly you are involved now, as you seen like a nice person, so I dont think you can just ignore this. If she seems like a good mum and you have been with her with her daughter, then she will understand your concern

I must be reading a different OP to everyone else. Grandma sounds like she was cheesed off but perhaps she was worried little girl would make too much noise in library (times have changed but you did used to be very quiet in library when GM was a mum). She does sound rather short with GC but do you really think this should be reported to the mum?? She didn't do anything dangerous or abusive. We all have bad days.

Also could damage your working relationship with colleague. I wouldn't be impressed if someone criticised my mum or mil for the way she cared with her grandchild just because she got a bit shirty with her. I would leap to mum / mil's defence I think.