To not tell my colleague this?

[RienDeRien]

More of a WWYD:
Bit of background - I started a new job last May, lovely people. One of the women who works there lives fairly close, and we have met up for coffee a few time out of work with our kids - she has a daughter aged 2. Her daughter is lovely, really well behaved.

The other day the kids and I went to the library, and saw my colleague's daughter there with her grandmother - who doesn't know me. We were there for about half an hour, as were they, and it that time all she did was shout at this child, told her off, and spoke to her in a really nasty way - I couldn't see that she was doing anything wrong - just normal 2yo stuff - picking up books etc 'Put those books down you stupid girl' etc etc. It was horrible, even the librarian commented.

I've just been to pick DD up from school, and saw the grandmother again yelling at the little girl.

I can't say anything can I - it's my colleagues mother in law. It's just the way she speaks to the child is so horrible.

She may have some idea already. Maybe you could just ask how her daughter gets on with her grandparents and use that as an opening? But if she doesn't know, surely she would want to know and apart from an uncomfortable conversation, I don't see why you would not want to tell her.

Ghoul, read the post again - I think it was the "you stupid girl" and similar nasty comments (to a 2 year old!) that were the issue, not just that she was telling her to be quiet. OP says it was so bad even the librarian commented! And if the problem was noise, then why was the GM yelling at the girl?

Can't you say something along the lines of 'your MIL seemed really stressed with your DD when I saw them' and see where the conversation leads. If you get 'back off' vibes then you've said nothing dreadful, and if she's open to listening, you can elaborate?

I dont think Id say anything. Like what Ghoul said if you were to see me and DS1 for say 10 mins one one day you'd think "WTF that poor kid hasnt done anything wrong really" but for the 4 fucking hours beforehand hes been a tool and broken one of my friends sons toys, thrown his brothers teddy in the road, kicked the dog, thrown his dinner on the floor because the beans were touching the mash, had a screaming fit because I dared to give him a broken biscuit etc etc

If this is a regular occurance it really wont be long before the girl grasses the MIL up herself, either by saying something or just by how she acts. It will be far easier for the mum to tackle the MIL if that happens than saying "oh someone who doesnt really know me that well told me she saw you shout at DD the other day".

I've read the OP several times. The "stupid girl" comment is the worst part of the GM's behaviour. We don't know what that was in response to and I really think it's not that bad. I hear people saying much worse to their kids all the time. Different if OP saw the GM everyday and she was always yelling such comments but in the context of a one off I really wouldn't go running to mummy.

But the OP has seen this on more than one occassion....and if it is repeated behavior then I cant see the 2 year old telling her mum, she may think this is the norm and she is stupid!

Totally unacceptable!

X-posts Gribble but I agree with you.

christ if "stupid girl" is considered to be that bad I had better hand myself in to the police

I don't think I would tell her. Not because I think GM was behaving ok, but because if your friend take offense (or perhaps is embarassed) it could make your work life really difficult.

Mind you the worst I call DS1 is silly boy", guess stupid does sound a bit harsh if Im honest

'Stupid girl' is bad, Gribble. Not calling you a bad mother. But the way we talk to our kids, that becomes their internal voice later - call them stupid often enough and they'll believe it.

This is why I posted - because I can't work out what to do for the best!
She's never even mentioned her mother in law before, so I have no idea what their relationship is like. Part of me wonders if mother in law is 'lumbered' with childcare. If I do speak to her, however I start it will be difficult as she has never ventured any personal information before. . .

Gribble - Calling a child a stupid girl is not very nice especially if done frequently. BUT I think it's really OTT to say this is a reason to warn a mum about what her mil is doing with the child. It's stirring up a hornet's nest on very, very little evidence of wrongdoing. I don't think silly boy is quite the same. Kids often are silly.

I wouldn't say anything

If it back fires you've still got to work with her

I would however make a pointed comment to the grandma

That's a fair point Gumby. If OP really wants to tackle this a quiet word with the GM (if she sees similar behaviour again) might be a better place to start.

I'd want to know. I'd be extremely grateful that you put my child's wellbeing above your own sense of social comfort. And I think you can word it sensitively.

I think apart from one or two people near enough everyone on this thread has said that they would want to know, so I think your colleague would probably feel the same, I would definitely want to know myself. I would never speak to my child like that so I certainly wouldn't want anyone else to do so.

and no I don't think that the OP should speak to the grandmother, it isn't her place to do so and could make the situation a lot worse.

Well if she's calling her 2yr old grandchild "stupid", and shouting at her in front of strangers and her local community, I can't imagine what goes on at home, with no one around, is better, and most probably worse.

Maybe she was having an off day, I still don't think yelling and calling a 2yr old "stupid", is acceptable.

I don't envy your job OP, but I think you have to say smthng. If it were my child, no matter who the childminder was, I would want to know. I think you are doing the child a disservice if you say nothing.

I actually feel sorry for the GM. She's about to get hit by a shit storm having not really don't anything wrong. I predict this is not going to end well if OP raises it with her colleague.

done not don't

But I do agree, I think you have to speak to the mother. Inappropriate to speak to the GM. as a mother, I would want you to speak to me.

I think that she should be told, it can be done tactfully, ie I saw x,y and z, obviously I wasnt there beforehand, so dont know what had provoked it, but thought that in your posiotion I would want to know in case it wasnt a frustrated one off.

ALso, its a bit of a generalisation, but I think that the word 'stupid' isnt seen as negatively by some older people as it tends to be by people who are the age to be parents of smalll children now.

Of course we'd all want to know, but as OP says she isn't a good friend, and she needs to think about whether it would have an impact on work life, if her colleague takes it badly.

You could say it in a casual manner, such as 'Granny seemed to be having a tough time with your DD the other day'

Shouting and calling a toddler stupid is abusive IMO.

I would have to tell her.

I would be beyond livid if my mum or mil did that to my toddler.