To not tell my colleague this?

[RienDeRien]

More of a WWYD:
Bit of background - I started a new job last May, lovely people. One of the women who works there lives fairly close, and we have met up for coffee a few time out of work with our kids - she has a daughter aged 2. Her daughter is lovely, really well behaved.

The other day the kids and I went to the library, and saw my colleague's daughter there with her grandmother - who doesn't know me. We were there for about half an hour, as were they, and it that time all she did was shout at this child, told her off, and spoke to her in a really nasty way - I couldn't see that she was doing anything wrong - just normal 2yo stuff - picking up books etc 'Put those books down you stupid girl' etc etc. It was horrible, even the librarian commented.

I've just been to pick DD up from school, and saw the grandmother again yelling at the little girl.

I can't say anything can I - it's my colleagues mother in law. It's just the way she speaks to the child is so horrible.

I agree it's really hard to know what to do. But I'd want to know if somebody was speaking to my DD that way.
I do have grumpy days and am short with DD (21 months) but I honestly think I'd never call her a stupid girl. I can sometimes snap something along the lines of 'oh for heavens same hurry up/stop doing x'
But that's different to telling a child they are stupid. And it doesn't sound like this was a one off.

I agree with the poster(s) who suggested starting off with a generic question re how her DD gets on with GParents, and see how the conversation goes. You'll soon get the vibes if she doesn't want to have that conversation with you

You were there and you know the tone used. It was obviously bad if it caused you to come and post about it, and for the librarian to have said something. Calling someone a "stupid girl" is not necessarily abusive in itself, but combined with the delivery and circumstance it is.

If anyone spoke to my child in such a manner I would definitely want to know, regardless of who told me.

I think you need to decide what is more important - your relationship with your colleague or the wellbeing of the little girl. Please don't be a bystander.

I would want to know.

But I really don't envy you the job of telling her.

Shouting for nothing and calling my DS "stupid boy" would make me very angry, especially if it were just a matter of routine to the person taking 'care' of him.

Ghoul OP has now seen/ heard this GM shouting at the child on 2 separate occasions but you've said She didn't do anything dangerous or abusive and *the GM [is] about to get hit by a shit storm having not really don't anything wrong.

Constantly being shouted at and called stupid can do irreparable damage to a child's self esteem. As an occasional/ one-off we all shout but it's the regular drip drip drip that does it. "You stupid child" was my father's favourite expression. Despite having a degree yadayadayada in my head I am completely stupid. He died many years ago but his voice is still there in my head. It is abuse :(

I would tell her OP.

I'd tell her - and TBH I wouldn't worry too much about being "tactful".

A matter-of-fact "I've seen your MIL with your daughter a couple of times and I hate to say it and I'm not trying to cause trouble, but she's absolutely horrible to her" should do the trick.

Not sure if already been mentioned but does this colleague know that you know who the MIL is?

If not then you could claim ignorance and pretend you assumed it was a childminder?

Would be much easier to then have the convo on that basis.

You absolutely must say something though.

Poor little girl

Gladys - yes I have said that and I stand by it. GM sounds grumpy to me but nothing to justify the witch hunt on this thread.

Absolutely tell her.

It's a difficult one. I think I would have to say something but just in a passing conversation kind of way like "I saw your daughter with her Grandma the other day in the library and I think your MIL was a bit upset with her"

Don't make any accusations just mention you saw them and see if she says anything more.

hmmmmm i am not sure at all on this one

you don't know the colleague that well so that maybe that is the way she talks to her child too - i know not right at all imo but look at what others on this thread have said

i am sure most of us have experienced something like this where we wondered whether it was our place to do or say something and where there could be ramifications

i would prob say some pointed comment to the gm

I think I'd say something.

I certainly wouldn't want my child treated like that.

Agree with you Gladys.

This is emotional abusive and plain bullying of a 2 year old.

I find it very sad that some posters are defending this behaviour.

I would speak with your colleague and matter of factly tell her what you saw and that you are concerned.

It is then your colleague's call to decide what to do about it.

But I think you do need to stand up for that little girl.

Poor kid, she's only 2.

Mum will soon find out what's been going off at the little girl will soon be calling her mother stupid and it won't take Sherlock Holmes to work out where that's come from.

I would approach with caution and by stealth! A lot of the "Oh, I saw....... and she seemed a little stressed" suggestions would be my choice.

"I can't say anything can I"
I honestly can't see why not.

Um, look, I don't want to upset you, but if roles were reversed I'd want to know. We were in the library ... etc.

Do it.

It is a very difficult situation OP I agree. I think I would say something along the lines of "Did your mum mention that we bumped into them in the library the other day? Your mum seemed to be having a rough time and then the librarian made a comment about something your mum said to your DD" Then she will probably ask you what her mum said and you can tell her followed by "I guess she was a bit stressed, have to admit I was a bit taken aback though since your DD is so easy and well behaved, I wondered if your mum was struggling a bit" . And then leave it at that.

Tell her,please for the sake of the child. Please. If she has the information she can choose to do with it what she wishes. Please tell the mother.

Bloody difficult but I would take it like this " look this has been bothering me and I feel it it were me I would want to know...I saw your mil at the library and..."

Be prepared for the fall out to be huge though. She may be too ashamed to speak to you again if she decides to still use her as childcare. But you have rested your concience at least.

Poor little girl.

Film a few times on your phone as proof?

I think the person who suggested mentioning the grandma looking a bit stressed has it right.

i would say something. and also tell her how you've debated whether to and how awkward this is.

i also second trying to film the mil on your phone if you can.

It possibly could've been a few bad moments, and MIL could be a loving GM the rest of the time, but the whole thing is unacceptable to me. I would want to know if my MIL (or indeed mother) had called one of my DC "stupid". Neither would do it, because they are both lovely, but we would be having serious words if they did.

I think something has to be said.

I wouldn't go so far as to say the GM is emotionally abusive, but the fact that you have been worried about this little girl on at least two different occasions makes me feel that you should raise it with your colleague, in as tactful a way as possible. Ultimately, it's up to her to decide what to do, and chances are that her MIL will go on caring for her child. But I think you have to raise her awareness of it. Maybe try the childminder ploy, as suggested by another poster? Good luck...

Id say Ive seen your child out a few times now and the person she was with was horrible to her, shouting and calling her stupid, say it as it is but don't say who you thought the child was with.