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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not know how to deal with my firstborn acquiring his first serious girlfriend

53 replies

longingforsomesleep · 23/01/2012 23:51

I know I'm being totally unreasonable so I don't know why I'm asking really or whether this is the best place to post. My eldest son, 17, went into the sixth form in September. Having been to an all boys school he has had little to do with girls. But his school admits girls in the sixth form. He's gone from being a fairly immature, lazy, x-box fixated, rather slobby boy to a well-groomed, motivated, young man with a girlfriend - seemingly overnight. And I'm still reeling.

He's only been going out with her for a week or two but it's really full on and he spends as much time as he can at her house. I haven't met her yet. A couple of weeks ago if he was going out somewhere he would have asked me if it was OK. Now, he tells me. On Saturday he announced that he was sleeping at her house .... in her bed. Much as I wanted to I didn't feel I could stop him. She sounds nice. She seems like a good influence (got him revising for his AS exams). He's happy. I want him to live a happy and fulfilled life. So why do I feel so absolutely awful. I want to cry every time I think about it. I just don't feel ready for this - I want my son back for a bit longer and I feel like I've lost him. I'm being melodramatic I know.

I also feel hurt that he's happy to keep going round to her house but doesn't seem to want to bring her back to ours.

Somebody tell me I'm being ridiculous and need to get a grip.

OP posts:
SmethwickBelle · 23/01/2012 23:59

He sounds like a lovely bloke, studying, well presented, independent and has social skills sufficient to make some girl go all weak at the knees (not that you want to dwell on that bit maybe). And he's HAPPY! Successful parenting! You did that!

Maybe focus on how proud you are - it's probably the sudden change that's upsetting you not that he's round hers specifically. Mine are still small but I dream about them being decent blokes like your son one day Grin

mojitomania · 24/01/2012 00:16

Oh OP. I have a DS and whilst he's only 14 I feel for you as this will be me in a few years (I'd like to think 25 but hey)

Apparently boys leave for a while, they love their mums dearly but they do litterally fly the nest. Think of it as natural progression (sob sob).

SaggyOldClothCatPuss · 24/01/2012 00:21

Im looking forward to DD15 discovering girls! He is still in the smelly, lazy belligerent stage!

WorraLiberty · 24/01/2012 00:22

It's totally natural that he'd want to fly the nest a bit at this age.

However, the sound as though they're rushing into things a bit fast.

I'd make sure he has access to condoms...in case either of them forget to buy them if they do decide to have sex.

fortyplus · 24/01/2012 00:25

He's probably been seeing her for ages but only admitted it to his mum a couple of weeks ago! Grin

BluddyMoFo · 24/01/2012 00:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
longingforsomesleep · 24/01/2012 00:35

Well he's been seeing her since before Xmas but things seemed to take off a week or two ago. I think they're rushing it in sleeping together but let's face it, I can't really stop him can I. I might be able to stop him spending the night, but not going round to her's after school for example while her mum's at work. He has stayed over there before but with friends and they've all slept downstairs (I'm starting to feel a bit stupid as I type this....). I did the condom speech and he said, 'I know, I know - anyway, she's got a chip in her arm so she's not going to get pregnant'. Of course I then embarked on the 'so how many sexual partners has she had ....' speech and the dangers of stds. DH took him out to the chemist the next morning and made HIM buy some condoms.

I only have boys. Is it normal for 16/17 year old girls to have contraceptive implants or whatever they are (didn't have such things in my day....). It means she's a sensible young lady doesn't it? Not some vixen who's got her claws into my baby?

OP posts:
fortyplus · 24/01/2012 00:57

Yuk to implants... My GP said she wouldn't give one to her dog Grin

It does seem as though the gf is sexually experienced.

Just as long as this isn't because she suffers from low self esteem and craves affection then everything will be fine. Hopefully she's happy and well adjusted.

It's not the time to get on your moral high horse, tempting though it may be. I suspect that the condom purchase may be too late though - if he has an sti he will have contracted it beforehand. Chlamydia is most common but routinely tested for in schools.

WinterIsComing · 24/01/2012 01:06

Oh thank fuck, I thought this was Pagwatch. Her DS1 is firmly earmarked for my DD (11 - perfect age gap)

Grin at vixen and claws and baby. You are excellent comedy- MIL material already and should start shopping around for a funereal outfit for the wedding Wink

Heleninahandcart · 24/01/2012 01:14

longing I feel for you. I also have a slightly older DS and I know this day will come soon. I will also be irrational about it, convinced she's a vixen because she has taken care of the contraception and not good enough for my golden boy. He's only just begun to come back from the teen wilderness as my DS and I was thinking great, I get a year before he goes to University.

As long as you don't insist on rightfully poking your nose in taking them both a cup of tea in the mornings, YANBU Grin

WorraLiberty · 24/01/2012 01:19

I don't know if it's normal for girls to have implants as I only have boys too (eldest just turned 20)

But I'd say it's pretty sensible of her.

I mean most of us wouldn't turn a hair if a 17yr old girl was on the pill, so why not an implant? At least there's nothing to forget to take.

My ex SIL used to work in a Doctor's surgery so she got me a huge pack of about 50 condoms and I gave them to my eldest when he had a steady GF.

I promised him I would never count how many he had left Grin

KatAndKit · 24/01/2012 08:38

It is fairly normal for younger women to be offered long acting methods of contraception. they are the age group most likely to mess up with the pill so a method with less user failure does make sense.
Doesn't mean that both parties should not be using condoms to protect against infections though. I think whatever other method of contraception is being used, condoms should be used anyway for all under 18s.

OnlyANinja · 24/01/2012 08:43

Get a grip, you haven't lost him - you are and always will be his mum.

Better?

DoesNotGiveAFig · 24/01/2012 08:44

Hey, don't be thinking the gf has been putting it about just because she has an implant! I was on the pill from 14 for bad skin and periods!

She's a sensible girl, he should also use condoms though just to be sure in case she's lying to him about it.

Jajas · 24/01/2012 08:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

QueenOfMuppets · 24/01/2012 08:53

She might just be a 'nice girl' who decided to take precautions because she's met a very lovely and well brought up lad who she's serious about; having an implant doesn't make her a vixen, probably just a very sensible young lady!! A good idea to get him condoms too though!

As someone on the other side of this (MIL will never see me as good enough for DH, no matter what I do!), it's important to tread gently so you don't end up alienating your son. You'll be much more likely to get to meet her and get to know her if you try to work on the assumption that you've brought your son up to have great taste and that she's a lovely girl who is having a great influence on him! Easier said than done but probably quite important to try your best; otherwise you may push him away....

will second Ninja, nothing can change the fact that you're his mum :)

LaVitaBellissima · 24/01/2012 08:54

I think you should invite her round for dinner, you might be surprised and really like her Smile

Merrylegs · 24/01/2012 09:04

It's great that you have had such a frank talk with him about contraception etc and it's great that he has a lovely gf and is happy at school - but I actually think you can absolutely say 'I don't want you spending the night there.'

Sure he may be 17 but you are still the parent and I think it's important for teenagers to feel accountable to someone.

Why make it easy for them? A teenage pregnancy would be a disaster for the girl. I am rather Hmm that her parents are OK with her having a boyfriend sleep over tbh.

When DS wanted his gf to sleep over I said no. For lots of reasons. Younger siblings in the house being a main factor. His gf's dad rang to talk about it and when I said 'no, I'm not happy with it' the dad was very relieved and said 'thank you for saying no. I didn't know how to.'

Right. Hmm

I would get to know the gf a bit first before you start strewing rose petals and strawberries on the conjugal bed. Sometimes wrong choices are made because the opportunity was too easy and no one cared enough to say otherwise. I would echo what fortyplus said actually about emotion and self esteem. She is not your daughter, but if her parents are making it so easy for her to sleep with a boy, I would worry about that - especially as you say it has only been a few weeks.

PassMeTheHobnobs · 24/01/2012 09:28

Just to offer a different perspective...her mum could have made her get some kind of contraception because she's paranoid about her DD getting pregnant. My mother marched me to the family planning clinic and got me on the pill the second I turned 16 (and came to every appointment afterwards to make sure I kept repeating the prescription). I wasn't having sex then, and didn't for another few years. My then boyfriend (now DH) started seeing each other when we were 17. We didn't have sex fornearly 2 years but we often shared a bed before then - partly it was practical (it was that or one of us on the floor/sofa) but mostly because it was nice. Could he be spending so much time there because it's easier for him to get to hers? DH always came to my house because he had a car and could drive round, I would've had to walk to his. Also, my parents and siblings often took the piss out of people I brought home to meet them, so when I met DH, I was worried to bring him home. Maybe your son is worried about you meeting her? Could you extend an invitation for her to come for a meal at your house and tell your son you'd like to meet her? Maybe that's what he's holding out for. Maybe they are sleeping together, maybe they aren't, but at least they are both being sensible about it!

Now, with my mum hat firmly on...I hope my son doesn't have a girlfriend at 17. And he's definitely not having sex until I consider myself old enough to be a grandmother. I've told him (he's 5 months old) :D

PastGrace · 24/01/2012 09:49

My mum was telling me the other day that before my DSis was born my mum was hoping she would have little boys because she would spend her whole life worrying about the day her little girl got pregnant. She had two daughters, and said "what was I THINKING? It must be much more stressful to be a parent to boys. How do you do it?". So YANBU to worry!

I was DP's first serious girlfriend (first year at uni, so his mum had a double whammy of him leaving home and then getting a girlfriend). He didn't call her as often as he always should have (although I did nag) but he was always chatting about his family and what was happening at home, so don't worry about feeling a bit left behind.

You do need to get a grip though - like it or not the time has come for your boy to start growing up. Mention to your DS that you would like to meet her - he'll probably be really proud of her and want to introduce her but is too shy to say.

NomDePrune · 24/01/2012 10:25

YANBU. I have a DD of 18, on her 2nd serious BF, and on the pill, and I think it's odd that you haven't even had a glimpse - why would that be? Does your DS think you'd insist on afternoon tea in the drawing room and some chitchat about her past parents? Do other friends of his come over?
As you seem to be able to talk to him, why not try 'I don't mind who you're sleeping with, I just need to check they aren't ginger covered in warts' Wink

crypes · 24/01/2012 10:40

i agree with NomDePrune , Praps he's getting some uncomfortable vibes off you, try and have a laugh and joke and remember when you were that age. My Dh and i always say that regarding our teenagers, you have to think back when you were that age and what you wanted your mum to know and what you didnt.

pilates · 24/01/2012 11:15

I would want to meet her tbh. Why don't you invite her round for a Sunday roast? Having said that, I think it's quite normal for a boy to spend more time at a girlfriend's house than the other way round.

NomDePrune · 24/01/2012 11:51

Ah Pilates it's not that simple, teenagers will gravitate to wherever there is the least supervision, or where they can get away with whatever it is they want to do. In this case it is not the OP's house but the GF's house.
Inviting her for a family meal is probably the most obvious for you but least likely to appeal to them - you just want to engineer bumping into them. Also, get her address and mobile number BEFORE you need it...

cubbie · 24/01/2012 12:04

YANBU

I have 2 ds, age 3 and nearly 5, and I DREAD this!
In fact, last night, was worrying myself daft about teenage boys and gangs/knives/drugs/drink etc etc. Comes with the territory i think.

I just wouldn't want mine to get up to anything remotely like I did!!!!!