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Original poster

to not know how to deal with my firstborn acquiring his first serious girlfriend

53 replies

longingforsomesleep · 23/01/2012 23:51

I know I'm being totally unreasonable so I don't know why I'm asking really or whether this is the best place to post. My eldest son, 17, went into the sixth form in September. Having been to an all boys school he has had little to do with girls. But his school admits girls in the sixth form. He's gone from being a fairly immature, lazy, x-box fixated, rather slobby boy to a well-groomed, motivated, young man with a girlfriend - seemingly overnight. And I'm still reeling.

He's only been going out with her for a week or two but it's really full on and he spends as much time as he can at her house. I haven't met her yet. A couple of weeks ago if he was going out somewhere he would have asked me if it was OK. Now, he tells me. On Saturday he announced that he was sleeping at her house .... in her bed. Much as I wanted to I didn't feel I could stop him. She sounds nice. She seems like a good influence (got him revising for his AS exams). He's happy. I want him to live a happy and fulfilled life. So why do I feel so absolutely awful. I want to cry every time I think about it. I just don't feel ready for this - I want my son back for a bit longer and I feel like I've lost him. I'm being melodramatic I know.

I also feel hurt that he's happy to keep going round to her house but doesn't seem to want to bring her back to ours.

Somebody tell me I'm being ridiculous and need to get a grip.

OP posts:
deliciousdevilwoman · 24/01/2012 12:09

I don't see the problem. He is caught up in the throes of first romance/lust-BUT the GF has a contraceptive implant and the OP's DH has frogmarched him down to the chemist to get condoms-quite right too!

He is spending time at the GF's house. Not doing it in some alleyway-yet! Why shouldn't he stay over if the GF's parents are cool with it? It doesn't mean that the OP has to agree to them sleeping together at HER house-at this early stage or ever, but at 17 he will have sex if he chooses and there is no point trying to thwart the relationship. That's when secrecy and risk taking behaviours can increase.
Sure, have the cautionary chat about not going "100mph", reinforce the condoms issue and ask to meet her in a casual and low key way. Above and beyond that, there is not much more that can or should be done without risk of alienation.
Good luck OP. I have 23 yr old DTS's and I remember all too candidly the time that gf's/sex raised its head!

ImperialBlether · 24/01/2012 13:06

I have to say I wish teenagers' parents weren't so happy about their boy/girlfriends staying over. It makes it so difficult to be the only one objecting.

I told my children that when they'd left home and had a boy/girlfriend who they brought home for the weekend, they could sleep in the same room. Until then, whilst they were at school, then it wasn't going to happen.

I don't know why people equate staying over with getting pregnant; there's no more likelihood of getting pregnant after 11pm than before, but if your child is in school and so is not independent, then it seems wrong to let them have short term partners stay the night.

ImperialBlether · 24/01/2012 13:08

To be perfectly honest, I think that when a girl's parents don't mind her casual boyfriend staying over, it's as good as them saying they don't mind if she gets pregnant. I wanted my son to have girlfriends whose parents did mind.

NomDePrune · 24/01/2012 13:29

Imperial I did mind. But all you are doing by 'banning' staying over is driving them to do it elsewhere, which is a bit 'head in the sand' - if it's happening it's not going to stop.
However, the OP's DS is in a very new relationship and I know that if my DD split up with her BF (whom we adore) I would feel differently about one night stands 'under my roof'
That's what halls of residence are for Wink

ImperialBlether · 24/01/2012 14:17

NomDePrune, I think it's one thing saying they can have a girlfriend in their room for the evening and another saying they can stay overnight, don't you think? I don't know whether I'm just being completely illogical, but there seemed something wrong to me in letting my son have his girlfriend to stay the night when they were both in school.

Hassled · 24/01/2012 14:23

I think this is far less about the GF and far more to do with him growing up, isn't it? And yes, your relationship will change and it is hard to adapt to - but once you've made that leap, it's just as good a relationship. It becomes a relationship of equals, and the dynamic shifts a bit.

My PFB lives in another city with his (lovely) GF - I still can't quite believe it. I can't get my head around my baby boy earning a living, apart from anything else. But then he'll email me or call out of the blue and I realise he's just the same boy.

So you're not being ridiculous, and you're not going to lose him - but your relationship is changing and you need to allow that to happen. Step back a bit and it will all work out well.

GetOrfMoiiLand · 24/01/2012 14:26

Vixen? Oh my lord, the mothers of sons.

He sounds like a lovely chap, you just need to let go a bit. He is 17, it is perfectly normal and healthy for him to want to sleep with his girlfriend.

MeltedChocolate · 24/01/2012 14:29

Your DS probably is sexually experienced too but you don't know it.

It is not uncommon for a girl ages 16/17 to have contraception. At least you know she is sensible!

MeltedChocolate · 24/01/2012 14:30

Oh, and...

"there, there, it'll all be alright" :o

tinkertitonk · 24/01/2012 16:12

If you love him let him go. The alternative is to become DH's mother which would be no fun for anybody, trust me on this. Google "castrating mother"; this bit of Freudianism is not BS.

NomDePrune · 24/01/2012 18:01

Imperial, I agree, but when the boy is older, in our case 19 and now at uni, and they have been together 18 months, the fact my DD is at school doesn't seem relevant, it's more a case of how sensible they are. So yes, your DS may be the same age as my DD but his GF is younger IYSWIM.
OP, I do think it's a bit early in the relationship, contraception aside.

Original poster
longingforsomesleep · 24/01/2012 19:01

Many thanks for all the replies. There are two issues - one my not wanting my boy to grow away from me. And I do know I'm being ridiculous but I can't help the way I feel. I've already prepared myself for him not wanting to go on holiday with us or wanting to have Xmas dinner at her house. I just have to grit my teeth and get over myself.

The other is them sleeping together. I'm not comfortable about it but he'll be 18 - an adult - in 6 months and I'm unsure of my ground. I'd love to tell him he has to wait a bit longer but I'm acutely conscious that my sister tried hard to control my nephew around the same age and he ended up moving 200 miles away, permanently, to escape her clutches. If I tell him he can't sleep with his gf I would have to stop him going to her house wouldn't I? He's not going to sit there with her when they're in her house on their own and say, 'no we mustn't, mum told me not to'. I just thought it might be better to try and manage something which is going to happen anyway. If I accept it then I can talk to him about it and make sure he's armed with condoms - I can't do that and tell him no at the same time. I really don't know what to think.

OP posts:
LadyMaryCrawley · 24/01/2012 19:13

He's learning to fly. It's hard, but the best thing you can do is make sure he knows you're there if he crash-lands. He WILL grow up... and you WILL have to deal with it...the tighter you squeeze, the harder they wriggle...

Hulababy · 24/01/2012 19:22

Don't be afraid to put a stop to him staying over at her house if you want to.
And don't be afraid to say no to her staying over at your house in his room either.

It doesn't mean they won''t have sex. They'll just have to be a but more imaginative about it.

But I met my first serious boyfriend around the same time as this. We met in lower sixth and started going out early February. That is now some 22y (almost) years later and he is now my DH. :) I was also already on the pill, but for issues with periods, not because of sex reasons.

However, neither of our parents allowed us to sleep over sharing each other's beds. It didn't stop us from having sex and it didn't mean we were putting ourselves at risk elsewhere. We just learnt to respect our parent's decisions - certainly didn't have any long term issues either. Mind you, don't think we'd have even thought of asking!

NormanTebbit · 24/01/2012 19:24

what Getorf said.

Implant = sensible young lady. She's obviously got brains and is studying hard so ambitious. Maybe she had had several sexual partners, why does it matter?They are taking the right precautions! I'd hate someone to be disparaging about my DDs just because they were sensible enough to get contraception.

Op - first love, do you remember that? Be happy for him Smile

NormanTebbit · 24/01/2012 19:26

But I also do not think it unreasonable for you not to want them to share a bed under your roof - it's your house, anyway.

ImperialBlether · 24/01/2012 19:45

I think they actually lose out on all that foreplay, when they sleep together too early. I remember that much more fondly than when I was actually having sex.

BackforGood · 24/01/2012 19:46

Just looking forward to the bit where ds morphs into a motivated young man who revises for exams and is willing to do some study ... Shock
Lower 6th you say ? (counts down the months) Grin

cantspel · 24/01/2012 20:06

I would rather my sons were having sex in their own home than on the back of a car seat or in a shop doorway and i would rather allow them to have girlfriends stop over than rush into leaving home and setting up house together just so they could have a regular sex life.

I haven't quite got to the stage where it is going to happen as my oldest is still a few months off his 16th birthday but it is going to happen one day.

Dozer · 24/01/2012 20:23

Agree with hulababy and had similar times at that age!

OP, Yanbu to want to meet her.

itspeanutbutterjellytime · 24/01/2012 20:38

I left home at 17 to get away from my controlling father. Whilst I'm sure you are nothing of the sort OP (you sound lovely), it might be pertinent to bear in mind this might not be his first sexual experience. He isn't far off 18 tbf!

The girl sounds really switched on and they should be aware that safe sex can be a great thing in a healthy relationship.

That said, I dread the day my DS flies the nest Sad

marriedinwhite · 24/01/2012 20:58

OP this is the easy bit. DS who is also 17 was dumped on new year's eve by the girlfriend of about three to four months. Her dad phoned me earlier in the day to tell me what would happen on his instructions because he and dw thought she was focussing too much on him than her mock gcse's. He broke down in tears on the car that afternoon.

Original poster
longingforsomesleep · 24/01/2012 21:31

Well I've just had what was shaping up to be a reasonably productive conversation with him - but...... I explained how anxious I was about him rushing into such a serious relationship. How most people went out with each other for a few weeks/months before sleeping together (yes, I could hear the 'hypocrite' voice in my head) and how I needed to meet this girl to reassure myself about her. There are 5 of us here and his gf just lives with her mum so it's much calmer and relaxed at her house - which I get. Nevertheless he said he would bring her over and we agreed some boundaries about school nights etc. And then I went and blew it at the point where I was saying that it might seem like interfering but I didn't want anything bad to happen to him ..... and I burst into tears. (I'm quite emotional at the moment as my mother died 2 months ago - that's my excuse). He gave me a hug before he beat a hasty retreat to his room. But I just know he's feeling that he wants to peel his clingy mum off him and strike out on his own .....

OP posts:
roughtyping · 24/01/2012 21:31

My DS is only 8 and this has nearly made me cry! Eek!

A bit :O at some of the attitudes about the girlfriend having an implant though. Sounds v sensible, one she doesn't have to think about much - a friend had one for ages and loved it. Why does it mean she 'might' be sleeping around by having contraception, but OK for the boy to have contraception? Makes me a bit :(

Anyway! Rant over. Off to pretend DS will have no girlfriends til he's moved out!!!!

roughtyping · 24/01/2012 21:32

Ah bless, he sounds like he's trying to be sensible! You've raised a good un :)

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